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I am due to fly out to see my bf but he has just dumped me! I am distraught!

Tagged as: Breaking up, Faded love, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 December 2011) 13 Answers - (Newest, 21 December 2011)
A female United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:

Ok so its less than a week before Xmas. I am due to fly out to be with my boyfriend tomorrow (6 year relationship) and he has just told me, out the blue, that he doesn't feel the same way about me any more... and he told me by email. I am totally distraught. I don't know whether to get on the plane or not - try and save the relationship or not? I have tried calling - at first he just would not pick up the phone. When he did he claimed I must have seen it coming. Errrr no. I cannot eat, sleep or function without trying to make him see - he says I should let him go. I love this man so much and we had a life together mapped out. I have changed many important decisions over the last 6 years to make this relationship work. As for xmas I had cancelled all family engagements as I was not going to be around. I am having a job holding myself together.

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A female reader, Honeygirl South Africa +, writes (21 December 2011):

Honeygirl agony auntDon't go, but he does owe you an explanation as to why he dumped you.

Dumping by email is a coward's way - he must tell you face to face.

I suspect that your bf has gotten involved with someone else and if you arrived, well that would just prove to his new love of his life that he was a liar and a cheat??

Hun, there is definitely more to this than meets the eye!

And really, it is cruel to do this so close to Christmas and just before you are due to fly out to see him...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011):

So sorry about this. Leave him be, don't try to save the relationship because he's already long gone so there's nothing left to save, you were just the last one to be informed about it.

I'm sorry it happened this way but he sounds like a coward. After 6 years together and your sacrifices he at least owed you a face to face conversation. That's called treating people with respect even if you are delivering bad news to them. Instead he's too afraid that's why he breaks up by email so he doesn't have to get personally involved in ending his relationship, and he gives the "you must have seen it coming" nonsense to deflect responsibility from himself. Yeah right, he's saying that YOU are responsible for not knowing you were about to break up! What a piece of work.

I know you've invested a lot of yourself into this relationship, but realize it's gone. Don't put anymore effort into it, don't bother. That doesn't mean that the last 6 years was a waste, I'm sure you had some good times and you will learn and grow from this experience so your next relationship will be better.

So no I don't think you should try to save your relationship. But at the same time I don't think you should let him off the hook either as far as him taking responsibility for ending things in a dignified way and at least owing you an explanation. You should definitely call him on the phone and at least ask him why the break up. No he doesn't have to justify breaking up with you and you shouldn't argue against him or shoot down his reasons for wanting to break up - people are entitled to break up for whatever reason they want, it's not an entitlement to have someone stay with you. and you shouldn't have to argue with someone that they should stay with you, that's absurd. But he does owe you an explanation of how this turn of events happened, because you were making plans for yourself based on him. He should not just quietly duck out without a word as if you dont' know each other.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011):

Hugs. I think it's not a good idea to go there. He may have someone else and that could be very painful for you to find out. I would try to get more closure though- he owes you that after 6 years, breaking up in an email is inexcusable, but maybe it would have been worse in person. Spend christmas with your family and friends. Get your money back for the flight or use it at some other time. I'm so sorry for your pain. Take care.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (20 December 2011):

chigirl agony auntDon't go! Or if you go, book yourself a nice hotel or travel somewhere nearby and have a nice Christmas vacation, rather than see him!

You'll regret wasting not only so many opportunities in life on this man, but also your Christmas break on him. So plan something in a hurry with family, or take a vacation to yourself, ALONE, or maybe bring a friend if anyone are available.

But DITCH going to your ex. He dumped you by mail out of nowhere and right before Christmas, that qualifies as a jerk, and you really didn't deserve that. But that's on him, that's HIS LOSS and for him to regret. Don't try to safe this relationship, because if there was a chance of talking to him he'd have already talked to you rather than e-mail you and then not answer your call or even bother calling you himself.

I am so sorry for your heartache, I know perfectly well what it's like to be dumped right before Christmas! Been there! It really sucks, because you need to re-plan everything, and with all the pressure that already lies on Christmas celebrations these things make it even harder.

Try to remember that Christmas is a season to ENJOY, and enjoy what you do have, not what you don't have, or what you miss, or wish you had. Use what you have to make your Christmas a nice one, even though you just got dumped. Do what YOU want to do now. Don't do what you think the relationship needs, because you're fighting the battle alone, and that way it never works out.

As someone who just got dropped last night herself, although not as long a relationship as yours but it still hurts... Try to enjoy yourself and don't think about him. He's not worth it, don't waste your time thinking of him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011):

a good point has been made here. do you know just what you will be greeted with? where else would you be able to stay? i would stay home.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011):

I am assuming its a long-distance thing you had going ? So unless he flew to see you he couldn't tell you ace to face.

However it doesn't excuse the timing, knowing you had planned to be with him together,for Xmas,paying out for tickets etc.he should have let you know ages ago. Once the dusts settled you may look back and see clues to his change of heart. Not that it will help.

Do not go out to him,why hurt yourself more, stay home with your family and friends around you, that's what you need now. Not him. Its clearly over and by the sounds of it your well rid of him.

Good luck xx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011):

Thank you everyone for your replies the consensus seems to be not to fly out to him. It was not an LDR for six years. he emigrated as he had planned to do after 3 years together and then I changed some of my plans to ensure I could move out eventually too. This was supposed to be the start of that. I feel like such a fool for fitting my entire life around him only for him to dump me at a time to 'suit' him.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011):

I think you should go to the plane and see him. Even if you accept this break up, i think you still need to go and talk face to face.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (20 December 2011):

So_Very_Confused agony auntOUCH. I am so sorry he was such a schmuck. To end it right before the holidays and by email... I hate him.

I would NOT get on the plane and go to him... change the ticket and go on a vacation. If not now, later.

What a shock to you. He's done. He also was so cruel about it that even if you could save it why would you want to be with a man that can be so cruel?

As for the family... there are still a few days call them and see if you can be added back in to the plans... I am sure it will better for you to be with family (and in lieu of family there must be some friends you can be with)

Why was this an LDR for six years???

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (20 December 2011):

mystiquek agony auntOh sweetie..I am so terribly sorry for what you are going through..and right before Christmas of all times! I will just second the thoughts of the other aunts...your boyfriend was very cruel and thoughtless to act in such a way, but the fact is..he did. You've had the wind knocked out of your sails and you are hurting. Of course its natural to want to go running after him to talk to him..but DON'T! He indeed picked a horrible, selfish and cowardly way to tell you things are over, but you need to step back and try to look at things with as little emotion as you can. He told you its over, and don't come out there. He doesn't want to see you. So sweetie..don't go. It won't make you feel better, it could make things even worse, and what if he even would refuse to see you?? WHY put yourself through anymore than what you are already dealing with? Take a deep breath...cry....and then call up your family, your friends, anyone that you know will lift your spirits, and spend time with them. Do not let him ruin your holidays. Put all of this on the back shelf until the new year, and then if you still feel you want to see him, then maybe you could talk to him then. I've had a man treat me this way, and I closed the door on him (emotionally). You deserve far better than what he has done. Remember that when you're feeling sad. You deserve better. Please take care of yourself and you hang in there! *HUGS*

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011):

Pay the extra fifty dollars and take yourself to Hawaii instead, you might meet someone new on accident. You could go there and see him one more time and do the breakup in person and most likely see the other women ans him together cause most likely that is what's happening and he didn't want to man up with the complete truth.......

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A female reader, PerhapsNot United States +, writes (20 December 2011):

PerhapsNot agony auntThere is nothing to save; I'm sure you're old and wise enough to know this. He no longer loves you and he wants you to let him go. There is no guess work here since he has literally spelled it out for you. You would be a complete fool to waste money on a flight to see a man, who no longer wants you. Do you want to kiss the door, or be rejected a second time on Christmas of all days? Tell your family that plans have changed and that you're coming home for X-Mas.

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A female reader, thinkb4 Papua New Guinea +, writes (20 December 2011):

He has ended it in a very cruel way. He could have picked a better time too. If you do fly out have you got anywhere to stay if he denies you access? If not I would think carefully. It may be he has got someone else and he wont say it. You need to make sure you know exactly what you are going to if you get on that plane.

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