A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone. This has been troubling me a lot these past couple of days and I am seeking advice on how to deal with it. I am stressing myself out about my boyfriend cheating. I have no reason to believe he is, he is never defensive of his phone (I don't go through it anyways because I trust him, but when I innocently reach for it he doesn't care), I even have his facebook password (he knows I do, I've known it for years but I don't go on it either). I am driving myself crazy being paranoid. I haven't said anything to him because I know I would sound like a psycho asking him if he's cheating when he clearly isn't. He's a great boyfriend, treats me so well, and our sex life is awesome. We were "friends with benefits" for 2 years before we started dating in February and he had gone behind my back with other girls but we weren't in a relationship so technically it wasn't cheating, although it was wrong. I have gotten over those incidents and forgiven him, and he has slowly earned my full trust. When he goes out without me, I feel fine, I don't worry that he's out cheating. So what the heck is wrong with me ?! Why is this thought suddenly consuming me ?! Thanks for your guys' input.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): "he had gone behind my back with other girls but we weren't in a relationship so technically it wasn't cheating"
Technically if BS, he "went behind your back"
"although it was wrong."
So, it was wrong, no technical about it.
"I have gotten over those incidents and forgiven him, and he has slowly earned my full trust."
You may have forgiven him, but you didn't forgive yourself for being taken in.
You haven't gotten over it, and you don't trust him, with good reason.
"When he goes out without me, I feel fine, I don't worry that he's out cheating."
Yes, you do, you just posted that you do, and you are denying your own feelings.
"So what the heck is wrong with me ?! Why is this thought suddenly consuming me ?!"
Nothing is wrong with you, you are normal, and in a relationship with someone that you don't trust. Move on to a relationship with someone that you do trust.
Be good to yourself.
A
female
reader, zebralove +, writes (8 June 2011):
 Maybe you should just tell him how you feel, he should be understanding, but don't acuse him of doing something when he didn't because that might get him angry. Just tell him that you worrie sometimes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): It isn't exactly a new relationship because you were having sex with him for 2 years before you started an exclusive relationship. So you have history with him. And a part of that history is that he went behind your back and had sex with other women. You brush it aside and say it is all OK now but somewhere deep down it must worry you that he might do it again! That is a perfectly valid concern, totally understandable.
Because you were 'only' his FWB you felt you had to sweep his behaviour under the carpet. But if you both made a deal that you would only be in a FWB relationship with each other. Or you promised to tell the other if you started sleeping with anyone else. And he broke his promise and had sex with others behind your back. That is a huge, huge breach of trust, FWB or not!
You have forgiven him, which is great. But that doesn't mean you won't worry about it happening again. You know he is not doing it now. But what of the future? The deeper your feelings become for him, the more you will have to lose, so the more you will worry. It is not being paranoid or psycho. It is protecting what is yours and perfectly reasonable, given his past actions.
Talk to him and explain how you feel. He did the things that have made you feel the way you do. His actions placed these doubts in your mind. So explain to him how you feel and ask for his reassurance. It takes a long time to rebuild trust and it is an issue he must take responsibility for and help you to overcome.
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