A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My ex girlfriend doesn't speak to me anymore and it still haunts me. Her and I were the best of friends before we ever got together. We did everything together and were in a relationship for roughly three years when we split up. We are both women, by the way. In case that was accidentally overlooked.She is the one who left me, and it nearly wrecked me. It caught me so much by surprise. It wound up being because she met a man that she left me for. She had not been with a man since she was a teenager, so I never saw it coming. I was blindsided and absolutely devastated. I lost my best friend at the same time as losing the love of my life. Or what I thought was the love of my life at the time. There were times I was so upset I thought about checking myself into a psych unit because I felt so depressed. It was the worst breakup I've ever been through in my entire life, because I lost my friend above all else and I had never experienced that before.We did not speak for a couple of months after the breakup, but slowly began talking again and became friends after a healing process had begun. She was my best friend beforehand and I didn't want to lose her entirely from my life. I got to a much better and healthier place and accepted the ending of the relationship when we began talking again. It felt really nice to have her back in my life in some capacity. I had had a hole in my life from her absence. Fast forward to about three months after our breakup and I meet an amazing woman while out of town visiting a friend. We connect and everything just feels right. After about four months of dating, I moved States to be with her. At this point in time, my ex and I are still civil and speak to each other on a fairly regular basis. When I break the news to her that I'm moving, she says she is happy for me. But the next time I try to contact her, I never hear anything back. That was back in mid-august, over 2 months ago.I have tried to reach out to her on a handful of occasions and ask her why she cut contact. I know she is still with the guy she left me for, so I don't understand. I know a lot of people will say it is probably for the best that we don't speak, but that's not how I operate. I am still civil with many of my ex's from my past and we are perfectly capable of being purely platonic friends. Some of them are my best friends. And my current girlfriend is perfectly okay with this because she trusts me. In fact, she is civil with a couple of her ex's also. I just find it emotionally much easier to be civil after a breakup up then to completely remove them from my life like they never existed at all. That feels so unnatural to me. I tried to reach out to her a couple of days ago again, to just see if she would speak to me, but she ignored my text. At this point I'm just going to leave her alone. But I don't understand why she did this. It still really hurts me. There are so many times that I just want to tell her about my accomplishments or the things that I am doing in my life that I feel like she would be proud about as my friend. Because she was my friend for so many years before we ever got together. But I know that I can't. And I feel like there's a permanent hole in my life from that. It has nothing to do with romantic feelings and everything to do with just missing my friend.Any advice as to why she cut contact and how to heal from these types of losses in your life? Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2018): What I think is that you want to be told she isn't over you and is upset you have moved on (reading between the lines). I bet she also knows you have met this 'amazing woman' three months after you split from her. Sorry but I don't buy that if you loved her and was so devastated you would have moved on so quickly. In fact I don't think you have, you just want to think you have.
You are bothered she has moved on and you want some control in her life, I am guessing you was the dominant one. Sorry but I was in the armed forces and I met someone very similar to what you write, a trail of exes and a desire to want to be friends with all.
Just be honest with yourself here and what really bothers you
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 November 2018):
 Holy crap! You're with someone new! I wonder how she would feel if she knew that your thoughts have coalesced around an ex? That's not fair to your current relationship.
Once a relationship has a sexual/romantic element to it, it simply CANNOT be platonic ever again. A truly platonic relationship is one in which romantic feelings have NEVER had a play in it. Can you still be friends after a breakup? That's between you, your ex, and your current relationship. To be honest, it's healthier for you that you and your ex are no longer in each other's life, because you are not over her. You're lying to yourself if you think that all you are about with her is the friendship you had before the romance, because all of those complicated feelings are entrenched permanently in that era of your life.
Will you ever connect again? Sure I think so. But you should be all about the present and the future, NOT the past. You've moved here to the States! You're on a new adventure, a new page in your life! That's exciting! Let the past go, with the past pain, the past good and bad memories, let it go!
You can't go on having holes in your heart and expect to NOT mistreat anyone you're currently with. Let me say that another way: You WILL hurt people in the state you're going in. How can you move on and give your whole heart to someone if you keep pining for a past relationship? You will short-change anyone you're with. You'll be forced to lie to them about how much you were in love with this ex. You'll downplay your relationship, except if you're being honest with yourself, if your ex came to you, having broken up with her boyfriend, her heart in her hand, and declaring that she missed you body and soul and couldn't live another day without you, you'd drop whoever you were with. Oh, you'd pretend to hesitate going for it, but truth is, you're not over her and you NEED to be.
Don't leave a trail of pain. Let this woman go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2018): This is the time for you to let this former friend go.
And be happy about letting her go.
You changed the criteria from girlfriend to lover/ girlfriend at one stage and that is where she is letting you rest.
In the past.
Now that she knows you have moved on emotionally and physically she no longer worries about your safety and she feels you can create your own future independently from her.
She wants to let the past lie in the past and she is no longer in your circle of friends or your satellite.
She expects you to graciously understand that your paths crossed once and then divided again.
Respect her wishes and cease looking towards her for friendship as you already have a wealth of friends.
You are your own unique person and your friends understand you.
Occassionally in life we have to let go of former very strong friendships and although it can be very difficult at first, it is something that no longer bothers you if you continue to move along your own pathway in life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 November 2018):
 It's pretty simple OP, you need to respect that SHE doesn't WANT to be friends with you.
Maybe you should try and separate romance and friendships in the future, so you don't lose a friend AND a lover.
For some hanging on to the past (like you) is how they cope with life, for others (like your ex) leaving the past in the past is how they cope. Maybe she doesn't want a constant reminder that she for a time dated women, or maybe her PARTNER don't.
How do you "heal" from it? You ACCEPT that not everyone works like you do. That she needs NO CONTACT and that all you CAN do is respect that and let her go. Being your ex doesn't mean she OWES you contact.
Also once a friendship turns romantic you can't really (no matter how much you want to believe it) turn it back into a friendship. Because ONE of the people involved will still carry romantic feelings, old relationship grudges, there is just too much "baggage" to make it a healthy friendship. (for most).
So accept that SHE has chosen a DIFFERENT path than you and that she wants no contact. when she broke up with you she revoked your all-access pass. Accept it.
Find someone else to share all your news, accomplishments and woes with. It's not her job or privilege any more.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2018): Just because you don't mind hanging-on to your exes doesn't mean they have to hang-on to you. She knew how devastated you were when you broke-up; and maintained contact for your sake.
Now that you've moved-away; she can now concentrate on her relationship, as should you.
Get over her. She has tried to leave you before; but you insisted that she stays in your life. Do you realize what you're saying when you say "that's not how you operate?" Well they don't have to play by your rules! If they prefer to move on, they have every right to do so. Like it or not.
Maybe it's fine with you to have a collection of your exes as friends; but most people prefer to close some chapters in their lives, and begin new ones. That's not something you get to decide for them. It's a matter of choice. You have your free-will, and she has hers.
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