A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Can't Let goI am a 37 year old male with a 26 year girlfriend. We have been in a relationship for 1.5 years. Before I met my girlfriend I had 3 girlfriends. They were all virgins and I lost my virginity after the first girlfriend at 27. (A late bloomer). My last relationship was 4 years prior to this girl. I tend to take relationships seriously. I met my current girlfriend at work and asked her out after I bumped into her at the gym one day. One morning after a work-out at the gym,she invited me to her place. We were getting along nicely and I was softly caressing her arms, skin and hair and then she asked me to kiss me. I kissed her. She got turned on very quickly and asked me to go in the bedroom with her for sex. I said "no" nicely considering the fact that we work together and something this quick may complicate things at work. She was happy to have unprotected sex, which really concerned me. I asked her of her sexual past and she told me that she broke up with her boyfriend a year ago and had unprotected sex with a guy from a chatroom six months after her break up. She was in the chatroom with him using the web cam etc for 3 months before they had sex at her place. You know what happens with web cams.Two days later she invited herself to my place to cook dinner for the two of us. During those two days all I kept thinking about was having sex with her. We did have sex (unprotected sex). This was my first time without protection). She re-assured we she was on the pill and that she was tested and was clear and that latex really irritates her during sex etc. After three months into our relationship, I fell deeply in love with her (probably earlier on).This is when I started really questioning her and judging her etc. My heart was involved deeply and more so than ever before. I judged her on her one night stand. How could she invite a stranger to her house and be intimate with him. She broke it off with him after 3 separate rounds of sex. She felt that he was interested only for the sex.I feel sick to my stomach when I think of another guy ejaculating inside her. I know he thought of her as a cheap slut and probably treated her like one. Her previous boyfriend does not enter my mind because she was in a loving relationship with him. It's the one night stand that bothers me. It bothers me that she offered sex to me so quickly too. This is the best loving relationship I've been in but the details of her one night stand and our early beginnings bother me. I know she would have slept with more guys until someone loved her and be tested again and again. It hurts me the way I feel about her sometimes.We love each other so much and I cannot talk to her about it anymore because it brings up a lot of hurt for both of us and know it me that needs to move on and I don;t know how. Please help me with good advice if you have been throug something similar or just good advice. I do my head in sometimes.
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at work, broke up, chat room, cheap, lost my virginity, move on, one night stand, sexual past, the pill, unprotected sex Reply to this Question |
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male
reader, Yos  + ♥, writes (27 October 2009):
 I've had a similar experience. As the previous poster said: unless someone has been in this situation it is hard for them to empathise. Also, the experience is very different for men and women: we can each get jealous of our partner's pasts, but it's in different ways. This makes it hard to communicate about and resolve, since whilst your gf may be sympathetic, she won't really understand what's going on or why it hurts you so much. Likewise you will be struggling to understand her behaviour.
What you are going through is common, it comes up here a lot. The way you are talking about is very normal too. You are over-focussing on specific details that don't mean much, and clearly obsessing over this in your head over and over. That obsessing is only making things worse, and also causing you a lot of pain. In the long run this could cause you to destroy your relationship, which would be a great shame since you are in love.
The reality is that the chance of you finding someone else that doesn't have something sexual in her past that you don't like is almost zero. This is your hangup and breaking up because of it would be your loss. If you don't manage to overcome it now, it can follow you into the next relationship, and the next...
As for how to deal with this. I have posted help a lot in the past. Please take a look at my post history. If you have any additional questions please write here, or send me a pm
Good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for taking the time to read my story. This is agony for me. I find it very hard when I alays attach sex to intimacy. My girlfriend doesn't or didn't after her break up. She has admitted things and details that I wouldn't reveal in a new relationship very early on. These things do need time.
I am not immature or have a issues around sex. I just haven't been in love with someone this much and I want to make sure this is the real deal.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2009): Look up retroactive jealousy. that is what you are dealing with.
And don't listen to advice from anyone who hasn't ever felt it themselves. THEIR ADVICE WILL NOT HELP.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2009): You have some serious issues around sex! Just because she had a single one night stand, it does not make her any less than any other women. You say that the guy she had a one night stand thought of her as a cheap slut and treated her like one??? This is a misconception from your own insecure mind.
If you don't get over this issue she'll get fed up of your immaturity. Someone of your older age should not be acting so childish. Get over it, or she'll end up resenting you and move on to find a better and more accepting guy who is right for her.
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A
female
reader, OhPinkyGirl  +, writes (25 October 2009):
 I haven't been in a relationship like this before but speaking from a girls point of view, it sounds like your girlfriend is very insecure. She seems to be taking sex as a way of finding herself beautiful. You just gotta make her realize how beautiful she is. I had a psychology class where it talks about women who tends to have sex a lot because it fills a void. I really do think it is insecurity problems though because having sex probably to her means that the guy thinks she's pretty and wanted. I know that you guys are together now, but she just want to feel pretty I'm sure. She's not cheating on you or anything right? So if not it just probably mean she's found someone who makes her feel pretty and loved. I hope that helped.
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