A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I split up with my boyfriend earlier this year. I was with him for two years and I always suspected he was biopolar or had a personality disorder. He also has issues with alcohol and a temptation for other things too. And i suspect he wasn't always faithful.Our relationship was an absolute car crash. He was abusive both physically and emotionally and I made far too many excuses for him- way too many. And I put myself in situations where he had complete control over me which was dangerous and stupid. He was emotionally unavailable and I was never going to be able to change that. Although I have it a good go. Despite all this I loved him a lot and when he was in a good place he was amazing, he was trying to get a grip,of his problems and we tried to make a future for ourselves. Or relationship ended when he stood me up for our valentines trip away. We'd been having problems as he was emotionally all over the place and always inconsistent. I never knew what type of mood he'd be in and the wind could change very quickly! Then three weeks after that I bumped into him in a place we always used to go (daily! And where he knew he would find me) with his new girlfriend. He was there to rub my face in it. It was blatant and excruciatingly painful.My path crosses with my ex now about once a month as I think he has moved away and is living with his new lady friend. He is very angry and very aggressive towards me when I pass him and as I bump into him when I least expect it its throws me somewhat. He firmly believes everything is my fault. He's always been great at projection!I've made huge head ways in putting my life back together. I'm learning to tell people what I've been through, to not be ashamed and to hide it. I've increased my social life, changed jobs, and found new hobbies. It still really hurts though and i take 10 steps backwards especially when I see my ex who behaves like his whole world is glorious. It's feels like there is a chain somewhere that I can't shake off and it's not been so easy to just move on and forget. There's still a lot of unanswered questions and hurt.Any advice out there?I should also mention that my ex is currently serving an 18 month suspended sentence for assault against me whilst on holiday last year and subsequently a restraining order was issued to keep him away from me. Helps to put some of the above into context.
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (19 July 2016):
 We all try and figure out what the other person was thinking and thus... allow them to suck the life out of us in the process. I agree there probably isn't much thought at ALL behind his behavior other than him feeling entitled to "punish" you for rejecting him. My guess is, you aren't the first.
He has done it before... and will do it again to someone else.
And as bad as I feel for his new chick... my guess is when SHE dumps him he will go after her for a while, though he might still try and reach out to you.
He doesn't seem to understand that the reason women leave him, is HIM.
But yes, it's time to focus on YOU, your future, your life. Screw him...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you :)I've got a journal of how I've felt about things since last summer and I've sought the support of a counsellor, life coach, hypnotherapist and even a clairvoyant! I've had a lot of support as I realise this idiot has reaked havoc through my life so I'm trying to pick up the pieces. My life will never be as it was before but it is good- just different, I try not toothpick of my waste of space ex cruising through life always seeming to come away from things unscathed and living the life of Riley.I now don't answer phone numbers I don't recognise, all my social media is private, I've changed jobs, and apart from moving and changing my phone number I feel that I've made quite a bit of headway in being protected. Hopefully the police will be able to offer some advice as to if I can do anything to make things a bit better.I really do hope there is a day though when all of this seems like a very distant memory rather than the living nightmare it has been. I struggle to try and understand the thinking behind my ex's behaviour even though I know there is none really.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 July 2016):
Good for you for TAKING back your power, OP!
I know that the Police not always know what to do in these cases, but in YOUR case there is precedence. HE was given a restraining order before because of his behavior. So it's NOT like there isn't ALREADY a paper trail of his behavior.
I had a stalker years ago, and when I called the Police, they first brushed it off telling me he was an "ADMIRER", but I didn't give up. I was lucky enough that he left SEVERAL messages on my answering machine once which was VERY creepy and the next officer I talked to listen to it, found the guy and read him the riot act. Now, he was NEVER charged (back then stalking wasn't considered a crime unless they threaten your life) but he WAS given a restraining order and he WAS evicted from the apartment he has rented across from me (not because of what he did, but because he hadn't paid his bills). So don't GIVE up.
I would also consider calling a domestic violence hot-line for further advice. Even if you are NO LONGER dating him, he is still actively trying to insinuate himself in your life.
Keeping a journal is always good.
If he had a key to your place, access to your bank account, Facebook, phone whatever... MAKE sure you change passwords/PIN numbers and consider getting a new number.
If he shows up at your house, NEVER let him in. CALL the Police. Even if he claims he wants to talk or explain or apologize... DO NOT let him in.
But do yourself a favor and google woman's shelters in your area and see if they have a counselor you can talk to.
As for the new GF.... it's HER choice to be with him, just like it was yours to be with him before her. She might be starting to realize that YOU are not the "crazy lady" he has described to her, but rather HE is the crazy one and she might not feel up to leaving him, yet. Though no matter how SAD you feel for her, it's HER choice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen I saw him at the weekend I successfully ignored him but I feel terrible for the girlfriend- she looked withdrawn and a bit of a mess. I looked like that when I was with him.
I have been keeping a log of everything and I took your advice (and that of the friend I was with at the weekend) and contacted the police today with all of the details of what's been going on. I'm sceptical that they'll be able to do anything. I've found police powers to be very limited when it comes to domestic abuse and anything surrounding it.
My ex though doesn't have much respect for rules and thinks he's superior to most people. He's very shrewd. So we'll see what happens next....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 July 2016):
Are you keeping a journal with time/date/event?
If not, I think you should, because he IS harassing you and THAT needs to stop. IF you have to, get that restraining order renewed.
As for him stalking you (and yes that is what he did when he showed up at the same place as you with his GF) you need to IGNORE IGNORE or even change venue. Don't LET him see that his behavior hurts you, because he is a sick sack of shit who enjoys that. So sit with your back to him if possible and pretend he isn't there. Honestly though? I's feel sorry for his new GF. Because he doesn't CARE about her, she is just someone to use.
As for him yelling at you out of his window.. WTF? He really is a nutter isn't he? He can send you an INVITE to his wedding, but that doesn't mean you have to acknowledge it at ALL.
But MAKE sure you journal his behavior. Even film it with your cell phone of he is threatening, like revving the car engine while following you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for taking the time to post a reply. I really appreciate it.
I think what I struggle with the most is the nastiness and the lack of consideration but you're right my ex has a lot of narcassistic qualities.
For example after I posted this question yesterday I happened to pass my ex whilst I was walking down the road with a friend. My ex overheard where we were off too and within 15 mins he appeared in the bar we were in with his new girlfriend. He proceeded to repeatedly kiss her in front of me and make a big show of things. It's as if he just wants to make sure he can stick the knife in as deep as possible.
When he drives past me he winds down the window and angrily shouts things like "I'M GOING TO INVITE YOU TO MY WEDDING!!"
Or he will see me walking down the road do a quick u-turn and will then follow me down the road revving the engine of his sports car.
It's really difficult to avoid and unpredictable. It's very challenging.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 July 2016):
I think you dodged a cannonball when you dumped this guy! There IS a silver lining here. YOU are OUT of a rotten, unhealthy, toxic relationship with one MESSED up man.
Now if you two still move in the same geographical area, it's going to be hard avoiding him totally, but YOU need to accept that YOU didn't make him a nutter with issues, and the LONGER you "let" him project his issues onto you, the longer he will MESS with your life. OR as one of out aunties say it... STOP letting him live rent free in your head!
Time to toss him out. Time to accept that YOU picked a bad one in him and that you stayed longer than you "should" have... And then you STOP beating yourself up over that.
As for him? He will NEVER have a healthy relationship, narcissists (I think he is one) like him don't change because they THINK they are perfect, that it's ALWAYS other people's fault. But seriously? It's time for you to say :" F him! He is a piece of crap and I am SO much better off now!" ACCEPT that you will never get those questions answered by him. YOUR "closure" will HAVE to come from within.
And then LEARN from this experience. What to notice of red flags, what to avoid. YOU can do it.
Chin up and be thankful that you DID end it and walk away.
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