A
male
age
30-35,
*hostChild
writes:I'm unsure if this would be the place for help on this matter as it's more about friends and living situations, but I thought I would give it a go.For about six months now, I've been living with a really close female friend of mine. I'll point out now that we've never had any romantic interest in one another, we've never explored that option at all. In fact I once dated her best friend a few years ago, but it didn't work out. Fortunately, we're all good friends now and nothing more than that.Anywho. My housemate, let's call her Lisa, has recently gone through a rough breakup with her now ex-boyfriend, let's call him Sam. Thing is, Lisa is now a complete wreck and has been a wreck for a while now. For three months. I come home from work every night, and virtually each night I spend having heart-to-heart talks with her and consoling her whilst she cries over him. I was understanding at first, but now she just seems not be able, or wanting to, move on. Myself, our mutural friends and her family have spent hours upon hours with her trying to console her.For the last few weeks, she's been somewhat moving on in her own way. By having meaningless casual sex with strangers every night. Pretty much every night I spend in my room (which is underneath her room) and I get the joy of listening to her bed shake. She's also aware that I can hear this as well. I got used to it when Sam would spend the odd weekend over, but now ridiculous and makes me uncomfortable.She has also quit her job as a bartender as Sam regularly hangs out as her bar/near her bar, and she apparently couldn't stand the idea of having to see him all the time.Since her income has stopped, she hasn't contributed towards the rent or utilities for about two weeks now. I've been paying for everything while she gives me I.O.Us.Another thing that makes this whole situation awkward is that I've been friends with Sam for a long time as well. He's the bass player in my band, and has been since before him and Lisa began dating. So we still see each other for band practice quite regularly. Lisa has asked me to stop hanging out with him or to find a new bass player as she thinks this means I am playing favourites. I've explained to her that I'm not, but she just won't listen.Usually, she is a very balanced, smart and friendly person to be around. But this breakup has just crushed her. I want to help her move on, and I've been trying hard to help her move on. The other night, I had a very promising date at home with a girl I've been seeing recently. Lisa came home early and interrupted dinner, then proceeded to burst into tears because she found out that Sam had started dating someone else. Effectively ruining and ending my date whilst I attempted to console her.She is very much crushed, and I've tried to get her family to help her out, but they've not been able to do much thus far.It's now getting to the point that I'm coming up with excuses not to go home. I'm working loads of overtime, hanging out with other friends more because I know when I go home, I have to deal with more crying of how Sam left her... three months ago.I have even started considering asking her to find a new place to live. She has not contributed to rent in a long time and she's been making my life very uncomfortable for a while, yet I know that makes me a bad friend.I want to help her, but at a certain point, she's dragging me down with her. What do I do? How can I fix things without crushing her more and ruining the friendship?
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reader, C. Grant  +, writes (6 April 2012):
 It's intensely difficult to deal with friends and their issues. Of course you want to be there for her, of course you want to help her move on. And good guys can get really messed up in the process, which is very much what you've described.
I didn't quite get how you and Lisa ended up sharing a place, and I don't know what ground rules you set. But the fact is that you're feeling dispossed from your home: you don't care to be there while Lisa is either working out her issues with random hook-ups or is interfering with you bringing home dates. All the while she isn't paying her share.
So what do you do? Frankly, I'd worry less about being her counsellor and more about being her landlord. She's been beside herself for three months. It's one thing for girlfriends to listen to her for that long, quite another for you to carry the expenses and to effectively be rendered homeless.
Set her straight. She pays or she goes. Look friend, you've given her ample time. From this point on you're simply being used. Friendship goes two ways. It's all been one way for the last three months, and that's more than enough.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2012): First of all she just has to get it ALL out of her system even if that means listening to her go on & on every night.
She won't/can't move on till she got every single little thing off of her mind.
As for the whole living situation you need to have a chat with her.
Explain that you know she is heart broken but pretty soon she'll be heart broken & homeless if she can't pay her way.
I know it sounds silly but she might not realise what she's doing because she's so grief stricken for the end of her relationship she can't see clearly.
She may need shocked out of it.
Remember though she is fragile!!
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