A
male
age
30-35,
Sad single Dad
writes:I am a single Dad with my daughter called Kelly who is almost ten years old her birthday is at the end of april.The reason I am single Dad is because I was widowed when my wife and kelly's mum Sara was killed in a really bad motorway accident when the car she was driving suffered a blowout it killed Sara instantly.Kelly had just turned three years old when that happened and ever since then I have been bringing up Kelly as a lone parent well I have always tried to do my very best for Kelly but it is very hard I cant help thinking sometimes that it would have been so much easier if Sara had ended up as the widow rather than me.I have to admit my question is about Kelly Because this weekend I discovered that she was engaged in behaviour which I find really upsetting and shocking for a girl of her age.It was saturday and I was spring cleaning out in the garden shed and the garage and Kelly was upstairs supposedly playing Xbox 360 with her class friend Jo who lives in the next street with her parents and her older brother Scott.I had come inside to make myself some lunch and I thought I would offer the girls something to eat so I started towards the stairs and when I reached the bottom of them I was suddenly aware that I could hear a hell of lot of noise for two girls playing games on the Xbox so I stopped and listened and could hear what sounded like the girl bouncing on the furniture and laughing and giggling I started to climb the stairs and as I did so the noises got louder and clearer I could now hear what sounded like heavy breathing and panting and the odd bit of moaning and hushed voices it was now that I noticed that the furniture noise was actually Kelly's bed creaking and moving.I suddenly realised what was going on here Kelly wasnt in her room with Jo at all Oh No Kelly was alone in her room with some boy and by the noise they were making they were having sex right now I burst into her room to find that Kelly was completely naked and on top of Jo's older brother Scott who was as equally as naked as Kelly was.I didnt want to believe my own eyes as I was seeing my preteen daughter having full blown sex with her classmate's Jo's fifteen year old brother.I grabbed Scott and his pile of clothes and I threw them both out of my frontdoor and then I went to confront Kelly who was still upstairs semi naked I couldnt help myself I started to shout at her as I lost my temper and it rapidly descented it a full on shouting match between us I demanded to know how long it had been going on between them and Kelly told me that she and Scott had been having regular sex for almost six months now well the arguements got worse and worse until we had massive row I said to Kelly that she wasnt going to be having sex anymore as she was far too young to be having a full sexual relationship yet and Kelly replied that she was talking to me anymore and as a passing shot at me Kelly said you can try to keep me and Scott apart but it will never work as we live so close to each other and because I am such good friends with Scott's family.We havent talked since then and then this morning Kelly had got up got washed and dressed and fed and had left for Jo's house before I woke at 7 am.Iam at my wits end I dont know what to do for the best now because I dont want others finding out Kelly is already having sex because I am really worried that social services will find out and that I will find myself accused of abusing or encouraging Kelly and that the Social workers will remove Kelly from my care and take her into a care home.The thing is I overheard Kelly talking with Jo on her mobile last night and she was saying to Jo that she had no intention of stopping having sex with Scott or anyone else I heard her admit to Jo that she was already totally hooked on sex after less than six months Kelly told Jo that she cant go without sex for more than couple of days in row because she gets really really bad tempered and frustrated.I know I cant let Kelly carry on the same way but I dont know what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2008): i think first you should have a talk with scott and his parents and telling them this shouldn't be happining and all that stuff. next i think you should (secretly) search all of the problems that could accure when people have it at her age, like dessies, and also tell her all the pain and suffer it would be to remove the desies and if she keeps having it, she would get one of the dessieses. next, you should calm your anger a little. have a friend pretend they are your daughter and think ahead what you should do. and lastly you should try to spend more father daughter time with her. take her to places she loves such as her favorite resteront, amusment park, etc. she will #1 open up to you more, #2 realize that you care about her safty, and #3 you will also have a better eye on her actions. hope this helps.
A
female
reader, SouthernBelle  +, writes (27 February 2008):
 I also agree that the post doesn't seem truthful. If a father was allowing his daughters friend to come over, even with him working in the yard you don't just leave two nine year olds unattended in the house, and you would think that the girls father would have known the differance in allowing a nine year old girl into his house or a fifteen year old boy. How often do you hear of a nine year old girl, almost ten, "totally hooked on sex" and not being able to go a few days without having sex? How many adults can only go two or three days without having sex?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): its not good but the fact is she's been having sex for 6 months so she's definitely sexually active and that isn't going to go away now. Once she's experienced sex and orgasms she's going to keep wanting them but you don't want any boys involved. I'd say you should talk to her and buy her a vibrator so at least she doesn't come to any harm and she can satisfy herself safely as often as she wants.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 February 2008):
 This post just doesn't ring true to me either, the writing style seems like a young girl's, and the father's responses certainly aren't very believable. And the phrase "totally hooked on sex"????? Forgive me if I'm wrong but I agree with Leanna.
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A
female
reader, liltinky24 +, writes (25 February 2008):
Hello,
dont worry there is a solution,
this is a delicate issue that needs to be handled carefully, have you tried calmly talking to your daughter. Possibly, i know it is hard but ask her whether she is using protection because that is something that is quite serious.Then bring up her age and explain to her that she cant do this.
At the smae time, you cannot do this alon so you need to confidentialy have a chat with scott's parents. they need to know too, and could possibly have some suggestions to what to do.
as to what you heard on the phone, it sounds like she hasnt got the full info, so give her some leaflets and help her.
best of luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): Hey 'Leanna' what makes you say this post isn't real? Did you get a funny vibe off it or something ..? I'm one of the anons who answered it earlier
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): First priority is to get some psychological help. Through no fault of your own, you have raised kelly all by yourself and she is lucky to hve you as a fathere, what's messed her up is the bereavement of losing her mum. No 10 year old that is addicted to sex is in a healthy place, she needs mental help, fast, to prevent herself from further abuse from this scum who should be tortured, then locked up for taking advantage of a 10 year old girl who is deeply vunerable emotionally also, as others said, next most important priority is to get this guy dealt with as he is most definitely a threat to other children, it just makes me feel queasy thinking about this guy. kelly must get psychological help though, ideally from a woman and most definitely contact social services tell them the situation and get in touch the police as well as talking to the boys parents. It's just times like these when you realise how vital this site really is, praying that it all works out dont panic, be strong do all and just take care xxxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): Hi Hunny
My heart goes out to you ive got a link that may help you abithttp://fatherhood.about.com/od/agesandstages/a/talkingaboutsex_3.htm
You need to go and speak with this boys parents pronto and if it causes arguments with kelly then so be it!
ALSO A LINK FOR BEREAVMENT IN CHILDHOOD!!http://www.bmj.com/cgi/content/full/316/7135/931
You have done an amazing job and have to work and support her hunny if you need a chat message me for a little support this boys parents need to no hunny TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU AND DONT GIVE UP WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): Good God!! Personally I'd like to give the little sh*t a good whipping but I don't suppose that is going to be possible!!!! He is bang out of order and he fully well knows it, unless he has got learning difficulties or something!I'm so sorry to hear about your wife. I am a single parent myself (of two girls now almost grown up) and have been for the last 10 years (violent ex husband) so I know what it is like trying to be Mum and Dad and do the best thing for them.I can kind if imagine how you must be feeling right now. Stay strong and keep a cool head and talk to friends for help and try and enlist a sensible female friend or relative who is old enough to be wise but young enough to relate to your daughter, to talk with her and support her. She may be looking to this boy to compensate for some emotional gap in herself and I do feel for her. However, she needs to know that although you empathise and understand, there are also boundaries and it is your job as her Father to protect and guide her so don't let her, or her friends or this ghastly little boy, manipulate you otherwise!!! Children can be bloody hard work.If I may, I would also strongly suggest that she talks to a family counsellor, ot therapist?? If possible ..Your daughter needs to understand the implications of all this and she is old enough to do so. Children can be quite clear in their thinking and she may well have a high emotional intelligence??Social services as far as I can see, have no grounds to remove her from your home but perhaps they should pay a visit to the parents of Scott?! As long as you demonstrate that you are in control of the situation, this should be fine. Sex can be a very relaxing thing, in fact some of the times I have felt the most truly relaxed and able to be totally distracted from problems has been when I have been having sex with my current partner (I am a 40 yr old woman and I know so many women who have said this) but she is a child and this is inappropriate for her. A counsellor will be able to explore WHY she is angry and needs an outlet. In the meantime, is there a high energy sport she could do to get her frustrations out of her system?? Could you take her away with your own family on a fun holiday over Easter, is that possible? To change her scene and get her doing something different? Although she might resist at first she may enjoy it once you get there. She has clearly latched onto this boy and needs to be 'unlatched' and fast!!!I'm no expert on these issues and I see that you have got some really helpful answers below however I would say, surely the family of Scott should be intervening and stopping him from seeing her - where is their responsibility in all of this. He knows FULL WELL that he should NOT be having sex with such a young girl. Your heart must feel broken right now and I am genuinely so sorry and I hope you get the right support to sort this out. Talk to her and try to bring her to a place of real understanding - this won't happen overnight but get advice and find a way of talking to her that does not inflame her but that equally keeps you in control as parent. Let her go away and digest stuff in bite size chunks if necessary and she may filter it all out in her own head. Keep an eye on her but give her space as well (not space to go off with him but space to just 'be' in her own home whilst you are around) and make sure she knows she is loved by you and your family and friends. You can always email back this site again if you want continued support here as I am sure people would be happy to help. I came to this site a few weeks ago, very upset with a problem that has now resolved and I have found there are some good souls willing to take their time to think about and answer a whole range of problems. It's heartening and it cheers you up! Take care xx
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A
female
reader, Leanna +, writes (25 February 2008):
 I'm willing to bet my life on this post not being real.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): Have you spoken to Scotts parents? Or even Scott himself?? I think you should do both - preferably at the same time and tell them that if it does not stop you will be forced to obtain formal intervention. My periods started when I was 10 years old - and sexual feelings can start this early. You must protect your daughter. Failing this she needs professional help from a female counsellor - maybe you should both go together. There could be residual feelings, unmet emotional needs etc coming out here from the absence of her mother. I am certainly no expert but its not a situation you can just let go.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): I think that you should definitely consider all the things everyone else has said, but one thing I noticed is that most of the suggestions (while are for your daughter's own good) would probably make her angry (in the case of reporting the guy to the police) to scared or uncomfortable (as in having police talk to her).
Now I'm by no means saying you shouldn't do those ideas, but let me suggest something different. Maybe you should try talking to her (as calmly as possible) about the entire thing. Act as if she can convince you that she is right, and see what she thinks about it. Tell her to tell you why she thinks what she did was right, and so forth. This should give you much more insight on whats going on in her mind, as I dont think she did it purely out of rebellion. So, basically, find out where her views are wrong, through her eyes, so that you can convince her that she is wrong. Cause regardless of any methods of force (i.e. not allowing her to see the guy, or go out with friends, or whatever) you'll need to bring her to see that she is/was wrong and why.
That being said, I would definitely recommend reporting the guy to the police, as well as confronting his family to make sure they're aware of exactly what has been going on. As far as doing this before or after talking to her, i wouldn't be able to say.
And lastly I want to say good luck, with whichever idea you try.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): hi, i think that scotts family should be informed (if they don't already know) it dosen't matter how close you are with the family your daughter is your main concern. kelly should either sit with a female relative that she is most close to and talk to her about it and/or go to a female docter and get her to tell her all the precautions and find out if they use protection and if they dont she should be warned how easily she can get aids etc. if your daughter cannot go without sex for at least a week you should definately consult a docter about your daughters outragous behaviour. also don't have rows or not talk to her as this could also be a result of loosing her mother at a very young age, and not having a mother figure around her, maybe a bit of councelling would be good for her, maybe shes going through a rough time at the moment and needs to occupy her mind and sex is her only option. if the social services do find out about your daughter having underage sex they can and will take her into their care and then she will be sorry so just remind her about that and she will have no parents around her. even if she cuts the sex down to maybe twice a month its not as bad and when shes not getting it as regular as she has been she will get fed up of it and give it up until a more suitable age. take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): Hi, Firstly I would like to thank you for providing all of the information in this story, it must be a difficult one to share and just goes to show how lone fathers as parents can do just as well as lone mothers.
Now, the young lad, Scott needs punishing, his parents knowing what he has being doing may be enough but personally I would report him to the police.
I would like to agree that social services will not see you as an unfit father as you were blissfully unaware of what your daughter was up to, it WILL look bad however if you now no what is going on and take no further action.
You daughter also needs some kind of consequence - just goes to show it is never too early to have 'the talk' with our kids. I would imagine she has not even started her periods yet so at least the danger of pregnancy is limited but she needs to understand the reasons that sexual activity is illegal at her age. It may be an idea to see if the police can speak to your daughter, just because thats the scariest option and they will beable to explain exactly why the law prohibits these activities and the legal action that can and should take place on Scott.
It may also be wise to arrange for her to go to the doctor and make sure not internal damage has been done, this is what they would do if a girl of her age had been raped because damage can be caused, again a reason why it shouldnt be done before our bodies have matured.This will be very embarrassing for a girl of her age and may be enough for her to think about whether she made the right choices.
The best thing you can do is share what is going on with close friends and family as then there will be more people keeping a close eye on her if she starts sneaking around. Also if there is a nan or aunt that could speak to her as a woman then please encourage this. She is going to rebel and probably call you everything under the sun because she thinks having sex makes her grown up - infact her reactions show exactly how immature she is!
Finally, I wish that you can be strong and bare in mind that she is just a little girl, still a baby trying to make it in a grown up world. Who knows what effect losing her mother had on her and perhaps having lack of female role models in her life makes a difference. Still that is no excuse to go soft on her, she needs to be scared into taking care of herself.
Please keep me updated, can PM me if you like, Im here to send you hugs and support where you need it. Stay strong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): i know your daughter's young and shouldnt be having sex. maybe take her to doctors and ask the doctor to explain the risk of having sex. i would put her on the pill . has she got a auntie or older girl realtive to talk to
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A
male
reader, Namatjira +, writes (25 February 2008):
Hi,
You have a major problem, several in fact.
1) Scott is clearly a problem - not just for Kelly but also for other young girls. While a certain amount of exploration can be common among youngsters, it is clearly not to this extent. You need to talk to a solicitor and I would also suggest a counsellor or psychologist and then when you have had some specific advice talk with Scott's parents. You have two goals here, one is to protect your daughter and the other is to protect other young girls.
2) Your daughter is trying to be the boss in your relationship and appears to have forgotten that you are the adult and she is the child. Try not to get drawn into a row, you can never "win" a row and all that happens is that the bad feeling spreads. Again the people I have suggested above may be able to give you some specific advice and teach you some skills that might help.
Do not be overly concerned about the Social Services as long as you can demonstrate that you are acting as a responsible parent it should not present a problem. However the solicitor can advise you better on this.
It will be hard to stop your daughter having sex and really the only way is through education but a lot will depend on any underlying issues she may have. Because you do live close to Scott, you may want to consider moving away (a bit drastic I know) but again seek advice from someone who can help you understand your daughter and how to change her behaviour.
Lastly, at the end of the day we can show our children the way but it is up to them to take it. If after you have tried everything, do not give up, just keep trying, but accept that she will make her own decisions and the older she gets the less influence you will have on them. At her current age it should be possible to change her behaviour.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): Holy crap call the cops on the neighbor boy... NOW! that's not right and certainly illegal. A girl that young shouldn't even know about sex much less be having it.
Talk to your daughter about what's going on after you make sure that boy is in jail. It seems important for you to be the one to talk to her because your the parent and it seems logical that she should look to her parent for guidance.
I'm really sorry this is happening to you but get ahold of yourself and do what morally and legally right.
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A
male
reader, leonard j. Douglas +, writes (25 February 2008):
Why don't you have a loving caring female friend sit down with your daughter,but you could be apart of the discussion,yet it would be much better if it were only woman to woman That is how I would handle it, be sure that your Friend is willing and up to the task. You'll need to be oosing with kindness,and don't let your anger over-ride your common sense.
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