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I am a sex addict and I need help!

Tagged as: Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 January 2012) 7 Answers - (Newest, 30 January 2012)
A male Canada age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Hello.

My name's Anon and I'm a sex addict. In the past I'd always been skeptical about the existence of sex addiction as a medical condition, in contrast to addictions to alcohol, drugs or gambling, but now believe it to be true and accept that I am one.

I'm 31 now and got married a year ago. I had been with my wife a year before we wed. Before her I had never had a relationship, and my experience with women amounted to a handful of drunken one night stands and rather a lot of visits to prostitutes.

I was never really aware of, or maybe didn't allow myself to dwell too much, on the fact my body count was becoming pretty astronomical as I chalked up the hookers during my 20s. Within a few months of meeting my now wife I was in love and deeply regretted my past behaviour. I've never told her about it (well, I admitted to losing my virginity to a prostitute but didn't go into it any further).

She was ok about it and for a while things were fine. The last time I slept with a hooker was a month before meeting my partner, so I'd been 'clean' for a little over 2 years, until last week. In a moment of madness I went back to one of my old haunts, and came out a very short while later with my marriage vows in tatters.

I feel very guilty now, and don't know whether I should tell her or bear the guilt of my cheating alone. I know I can never take back what I did during those stupid few minutes, for the rest of our lives. I think I need some sort of help, because I can't even go to fuel up the car without feeling overwhelmingly tempted to buy porn mags.

I want to avoid sex with my wife until I've had an HIV test, but I've been told you have to wait 3 months and she's bound to notice something's wrong if I don't approach her, or turn her down repeatedly, for such a long time! Don't know what to do...

View related questions: drugs, drunk, escort, gambling, hiv , my ex, one night stand, porn, prostitute, sex addict

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2012):

well this is a marriage problem not just your own problem, so your wife needs to know about this.

She deserves to know who she's dealing with, so she can make choices for herself. If you're concealing information about yourself because revealing it might make your wife leave you, then you're caring more about yourself than your wife, which is no basis for a marriage to begin with because it's rooted in selfishness and dishonesty.

if you really have an addiction, you're going to be struggling for a long time to overcome it, maybe for the rest of your life. It's a very lonely struggle if you're doing it alone and in secret. Secrecy will actually make it more likely that you'll slide backwards or be unable to move forwards, because when no one else knows especially your wife, there's no accountability so it gives you a free pass to do it again.

That's why if you really are serious about protecting your marriage, you have to tell your wife about this, the full extent. You've already lied to her about your past so you've already withheld information about yourself from her. it's harder to come clean now about your infidelity without also revealing your past history which you've hidden from her. So the lies are building up one on top of the other, don't you see? the longer it goes on and the more you've built your marriage on lies, the harder it will be to stop and become honest again. But eventually the truth may come out and not of your own design or willingness but when you can no longer carry the weight of the lies and she finds out on her own. then everything will come crashing down completely out of your control and that will be far worse and the damage done will be more extensive and deep, than if you had been honest right from the start.

Therefore you should start telling the truth now. if she decides to stand by you, then you're a very lucky man and the chances that you will get your life and marriage on track are much better than if you hide this and try to deal with it in secret. If you get honest but she can't handle the truth and leaves you, well I'm sorry for your loss but if that happens then that is the way it has to be because it means all the more that this secret should not have been kept from her because of what a a lie it would have made out of your marriage.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2012):

In my opinion I agree with

Most everyone else; that you are just Feeling restricted to only one woman, and that you can't just sleep with anyone anymore. But either way I say, " Good Luck Man!"

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012):

I am the OP. Thanks for your replies.

To the poster who said I cheated because of feeling restricted by marriage to one women, that's not true. If I still felt the desire to play the field I never would've proposed to my wife in the first place. I was only too happy to give up my 'manwhore' ways.

The reason I did it is because of the thrill of the situation. That's what has always drawn me to brothels, and when the urge kicked in I felt the same old compulsion, like I was being controlled by and in the grip of something, my mind was saying no but my feet marched me on robot-like to my destination. I'm going to explore counselling, but believe the solution will involve forward planning in order to avoid situations which provide the opportunity for temptation, for example, by withdrawing whatever money I need before going into town, and not taking my bank cards with me.

I do think I've learned a lesson from this, but know that from now on only second best is possible with regard to my fidelity record in marriage. You only get a clean slate once :-( Thank you all for your help.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (28 January 2012):

Danielepew agony auntI am under the impression that you were feeling that your marriage somehow restricted you to only one woman, as opposed to before that, when you could sleep with "any". I feel that is why you slept with this other woman. No sex addiction.

You are now facing the consequences of having slept with someone else. For the sake of not giving your wife a disease (should you have any), try saying that you have a pain down there, or that you just don't feel like it, whatever, and think long and hard whether you want to stay married or not. If that is what you want, then you must not sleep with another woman.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012):

Find yourself a counselor first.

Then, tell your wife you are going, make sure she knows it is nothing to do with her, but that it is serious and you realize it is serious.

If you don't have this under control, you could kill her as well as yourself...and any children you have.

I've sat in the room while children with HIV died, and it ain't pretty...worse than the adults...and nothing is worse than watching your own die.

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A female reader, LovelyLemon United States +, writes (27 January 2012):

LovelyLemon agony auntIn my opinion, this doesn't really sound like an issue of sex addiction, but maybe it is. Only your doctor/psychologist can say. I think that you temporarily lost your self control. The one night stands and hookers of your twenties seem to have been nothing more than a sexual outlet during a period of not being able to form meaningful relationships.

Dishonesty will get you nowhere, dear, so I strongly advise that you tell your wife. Think about WHY you cheated on your wife, other than addiction. Is there something that thrills you about having sex with strangers? Do you like emotionally distant sex as opposed to sex that involves emotional investment?

This is a very serious marital issue, but if you are honest and seek help along with your wife, there is possibility of resolution. This, of course, depends on her response. Do not act like a victim when you tell her, be humble, tell her you were wrong.

I really hope that you can save your marriage, and I hope that you can resolve any internal issues that you are having. Remember that tomorrow is a new day.

Much love and Best wishes

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A female reader, fi_the_tree United Kingdom +, writes (27 January 2012):

fi_the_tree agony auntI think you need to come clean with your wife. Tell her you think you have a problem and that you want help. Yes she'll probably be very angry, but hopefully she'll want to help.

Bear in mind that if she wants to come along to therapy with you, she'll hear about all the prostitutes you slept with in your 20's, which she may be uncomfortable with hearing.

Be strong and be honest. If she loves you (which i'm sure she does) she'll want to help.

Good luck :)

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