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I always seek validation, but I shouldn't really need it!

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 December 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 14 December 2017)
A female age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Why do I attract these men or better yet these people in my life? Hello aunts I am turning 32 next month and I am at a dead end with men . I have stoped daring and having sex for the last year an a half but I don’t jnow why I attract men that are negligent- self centered - and careless. I’m nice sometimes too nice and I’m a people pleaser - I always need validation but I don’t understand why this is happening. Even IIm friendships I have befriended women that are liars backstabbers and don’t care about anythjng but themselves- what is it about me? I know I’m insecure but who isn’t ? I have this thing and I know it sounds silly but I always try to win men - it terrifies me to be alone and I am alone ironically - I can’t stop wanting them even though I haven’t dated . These men and people use my niceness and lack of confidence against me - how Can I stop

What am I doing? Am I being to nice ? Am I jot setting boundaries ?

I don’t get it - I seek validation - I was never good enough for my mother she would always compare me - I have two degrees - I have all this hair and makeup and pretty things on the outside but on the inside I’m a mess

I want attention and validation and I never truly got those from her

Please let me know how I can stop attracting these men like her I guess?

View related questions: confidence, insecure, liar

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (14 December 2017):

When you're constantly down on yourself, you lower your standards for the company you keep.

You want people to use you and abuse you; so you play being the nice passive-woman people take advantage of. Recreating the atmosphere of drama and contention you remember from childhood. You think you can bribe people into liking you and you kill them with kindness; until they play you like a fool.

How was grade-school and high school? Pretty much the same? You usually start forming these patterns early on in life; and they're pretty much perfected by the time you're in your late 20's. You walk around thin-skinned and victimized. You don't stand-up for yourself, and you always blame your mother.

The women you claim are back-stabbers and liars were your choice in friends. People like that usually raise a lot of red-flags and you usually get enough forewarning to cut loose and run. You wait for the drama. That's why it seems it's always happening. You don't seem to know your cue when it's time to cut ties. You don't meet the best types of people in pubs and clubs. Bar-flies and clubbers are usually trouble-makers. If you catch wind that they're gossips; then don't share your business. Keep it to yourself!

If you meet a guy online and his personality doesn't match the profile he wrote; and he seems like a real dick. Don't give him the time of day. Kick his ass to the curb before he can do real damage. Don't stand and wait for a ton of bricks to fall on you; so you can blame your mother.

You seem to seek low caliber people; because it makes you feel better than they are. You seem to wallow in drama and self-pity. Your mother may have had some narcissistic tendencies; but sometimes parents see your potential and push too hard. Note, you have two degrees. It was to show your mother how intelligent you are. She may have been a little jealous; because you have better options and opportunities than she may have had.

Most people out-grow their turbulent childhoods. You chose to believe whatever your mother says; only you yourself weren't too happy being you. So you punish yourself by associating with men of bad character, and mean women; to confirm that you're too nice and everybody is picking on you.

Most of your troubles are self-inflicted. You see they're rotten to the core; and you think you can rescue them with kindness. They'll be ever-grateful. You'll do whatever they ask, just to hear them say how nice you are.

I guess if you run with a rough crowd, you're likely to get burned!

You're over 30 years old, it's time to grow out of your childhood; and to stop resenting your mother. She can't hurt you anymore. You're a grown-woman.

If you're a glutton for punishment, you repeatedly go back to your mother to get another fix of degradation and criticism. All you have to do is tell her it's not true. You know yourself, what you are capable of, and you know your own strengths and weaknesses. You're with yourself 24/7; you know when your mother is way off the mark about you. All your mother can do is toss words; it's up to you how you take them, my dear! If it's not good enough for her, too bad. You're all grown-up know. Her words and opinions don't carry the weight they had when you were 10! You can now correct her when she makes a mistake about you.

Often, it isn't even as bad as many people make their parents out to be. As children, some children just despise discipline. They don't like being challenged by their parents to do well in school. Being reminded to keep practicing to perfect their talents, and to being pushed to show more ambition. It's a battle when it comes down to asking their offspring to behave themselves and be obedient. They're met with back-talk and rebellion. So being human, parents sometimes get angry and pick a bad choice of words. When they know you can do better, and you're just lazy. That doesn't justify a pat on the back, nor abuse!

Being good parents is taken all negatively these days; and it gets twisted into or confused with bullying. Parents have authority. They set rules, and it's not anything goes under their roof! What are you to do with a stubborn or lazy kid?

With some people, no matter what their parents say; they're being mean and abusive. Your mother doesn't get to defend herself here. Rebellious or lazy teenagers will make you think their parents were Nazis and the boogeyman on steroids. They develop such hatred for their parents; they can't see their own faults, and the reason their parents have to be hard on them.

I recommend you might get some therapy. Don't get too dependent on it. You don't need a place only to vent how bad people are to you; you have to find a way to outgrow your mother, and move on. You need to stop allowing people to run-over you; just so you can say how mean everyone is to you. They'll do it, if you always give them permission to.

It's likely to happen repeatedly; if you don't raise your standards and criteria for the men you choose to date, and the women you call friends.

If you see drama coming, turn and go the other way. If you see a guy is a shithead, leave at the first sign of trouble. Don't stick around for the sideshow. Just get the hell out of there! If you repeat it over and over; it's a self-destructive pattern, because you don't like yourself. Men are not rescue dogs; you don't take them in and fix them.

Kindness isn't always returned with kindness, and it isn't always appreciated. Rotten people don't appreciate kindness; they see it as weakness.

Seek help, sweetheart.

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A female reader, CassieMosswing United Kingdom +, writes (14 December 2017):

CassieMosswing agony auntI really think your better off not seeking for a man. You know better than that and you know you keep going to one bad relationship to another. Denizen is right, you haven't learned from any of your mistakes of the men you been with. When you say you haven't dated what do you mean by that? You mean you been with men but never dated them? I don't understand? You seeking validation everything a woman looks for in a man will only make you disappointed in the end of you working hard to find a man you can actually have a relationship with. Watched pot that never boils. The only importance is finding validation in yourself not from others.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2017):

I agree you would benefit from therapy. Immensely.

I also agree that you are responsible for the people you let into your life (I wouldn't use the word "fault", since fault implies "guilt" and guilt is demotivating).

When something is your responsibility you have the power to change it. Things are not just happening to you. You are not a victim. Putting yourself in that position is blocking you.

Work on your self-confidence and try to bring to light HOW you actually operate, what your thoughts and feelings are, why you need to please... you will probably find out that a lot of patterns you use had been formed in your childhood. It could be anything. One of the things being demanding parents (strict, absent, detached...). My point being that you were (probably) not born that way, you were RAISED that way.

It's normal that you chose (and are attracted to, I wouldn't say that you only attract) needy people and enter unhealthy (codependant?) relationships. Their need is (supposedly) your guarantee that they won't leave you. Which is a trap.

Work on yourself. Become aware of your THOUGHTS. Thoughts lead to emotions (stress, fear...). Understand what scares you when you think about being alone. A healthy couple is made of two healthy adults. Two wrongs can't make a right.

Seek help.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (13 December 2017):

N91 agony auntI think therapy would be a good idea for you to get the root cause for why you're feeling this way.

The majority of people may have insecurities but the difference between you and them is they know how to deal with them, whereas for you for some reason it makes you put effort into toxic relationships. But at the end of the day YOU are the person choosing these people. You should be able to spot these tendencies in people if you see them exhibited over and over again.

I think you need to use your energy elsewhere, join a club or find new hobbies where you can meet likemind people where there may be increased chances of positive relationships.

Get help from a qualified source, get to the bottom of why you need this validation and get something in place where you can work on it or you're going to be in an endless cycle and many more years of loneliness.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom +, writes (13 December 2017):

Denizen agony auntYou spent most of your post telling us it isn't really your fault. That isn't true. It is your fault. You befriend people for the wrong reasons. You also haven't learned to recognise men who are, to quote you: 'Negligent- self centred - and careless.' Then you say you are nice.

You aren't nice, you are a pushover. Life is trying to teach you a lesson which you continually refuse to learn.

I'm not going easy on you. I'm not sugaring the pill.

What you have to understand is that you build strength from the inside. You do this by building your own life, your own interests. You won't be terrified to be alone. Being alone isn't being lonely.

You say you are: 'Insecure, who isn't'. Well that is the kind of cop-out phrase that you tell yourself to let yourself off the hook.

Come on lady. Time to get it together. You can do it.

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