A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is a long one, and I hope I wont be judged, because I would never tell anyone this. I feel like a despicable human being. You guys are my only hope! My husband and I have been having a six year fertility struggle, mostly male factor. It seriously has messed up my head. It has turned me into something I never thought Id be. I have not been a gracious loser. Last year, I hit an all time low. My husband found the situation easier to accept, and I understand now with help from therapy that perhaps it is easier for men to accept than women, but it was so difficult for me and his attitude really angered me at the time. It felt like I was on my own, like he wasnt in it with me. I started behaving which in ways I know now is unhealthy and irrational. I was so jealous of pregnant women and even felt hatred towards them. I even found myself wanting to glare at babies sometimes! And one night, when I was drinking heavily, I did something unforgiveable. In my drunken, desperate state, I thought if I could seduce any other man, I might get pregnant. I found a guy in a club who I knew was attracted to me, danced with him seductively and I thought, even though he repulsed me, this could be my chance to get pregnant, this is Gods way of challenging me to see how much I want a child, if I do this, i will get pregnant. Totally nuts, I know. He wanted to sleep with me and I remember thinking "this is my chance to get pregnant" so I began kissing him, but then pulled away. I couldnt go through with it. I saw my husbands face in my head and burst into tears. I threw up I was so disgusted at myself. What the hell was I playing at? What on earth had I become? Desperation had driven me to become an embittered, jealous cheat and I went home to my husband, feeling so ashamed. I knew I needed help. My husband was all I had. I love him so much but I just wanted a baby so badly that I would of betrayed him to get one. I knew I wasnt thinking logicaly, and I wasnt in my right mind. That week, I admitted myself for observation in a mental rehabilitation programme, and organised weekly counselling sessions, all which I had refused before when my husband suggested it, because I knew I couldnt go on like this. I am also on the waitlist for other CBT therapy too. It has really helped, as CBT has helped me think rationally, and I no longer feel jealous of pregnant people, as therapy has taught me to accept my situation and understand that it is not their fault. My therapist helped me see that I totally lost sight of everything else in my life, including my morals. I have since worked to get it back on track. My husband is so proud of me, as I have actually learned to be happy for other people now, and I dont feel like crying all day anymore. He is so glad I started therapy. I am now, however, really struggling with guilt over what I was about to do to my husband. Only now do I see how he has supported me all along. Should I tell him what I almost did? I know he will be hurt, but he understands I was mentally ill at the time. Is it the right thing to do, or should I leave it in the past and be glad I didnt go though with it? All thoughts and opinions welcome.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2015): Therapy has been a big help to you, but you are still struggling with guilt due to this episode. If you just try to ignore it, it will continue to surface in the future and affect your relationship with your husband. Tell your therapist how much it is bothering you and ask him to help you get rid of that guilt forever.
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack  +, writes (20 August 2015):
No. Don't tell him. You came to your senses. The only person who might feel better if you tell him is YOU. It will devastate him. Honestly I think telling him would be selfish. I would keep it to yourself and keep yourself out of situations like that in the future.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2015): Is your husband tbe type of man who would enjoy a full confession or would he prefer it if you just said " I was so off my head with grief that i seriously nearly thought of pulling another guy." Hubby pauses for one or two seconds and then says "i nearly thought of shagging a coupla loose women myself but just the thought of an std stopped me..and because you'd divorce me ..and yell at me that i'd waste my seeds on any ol tart!" But would it help you to clear the air like this.Perhaps the occassional mona lisa smile would do .followed by a come hither look and guesture..Who cares about a nearly-did, it just not that important.
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A
female
reader, chipmunk37 +, writes (20 August 2015):
 Tell him what? You briefly thought about using another man to get pregnant but the thought was so horrible for you you physically threw up. Yes you feel wasteful for even thinking it but you didn't do it. We have all had those moments where we are at our worst, have suck rock bottom and it seems the devil is on our shoulders whispering something awful in our ear and for a brief instant we consider it. But then the angel on our other shoulder intervenes. You knew you were confused and suffering mentally when you thought to do that and even then you resisted it. You should be proud of the strength of your moral compass. Put it in the past and move on with your head held high that you had the strength to resist when you were at your weakest.
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