A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been part of a Polyamourus relationship for 5 months now, my girlfriend is married to my best friend and I love her very much. Her husband is completely understanding as he has a girlfriend of his own, and we do nothing that he doesn't know about. we are a very trusting and open trio and all get along great. However, My girlfriend had a mis-carridge before I came along, and was told that she couldn't have children for about a year. I was made aware of this when we first started dating, as I have a slight fear of children due to a bad previous relationship. I think the we all knew deep down that our relationship wasn't going to be permanent as I was was looking at moving away to the city for a career, and her and her husband were family planning, But we stay positive and enjoy it while we can. But now my biggest fear has arisen, she has fell pregnant unexpectedly. I am overfilled with joy for them both as they have been trying for a long time, but I also feel as though my world has collapsed. Is this time to step aside and let them finaly bring up a family? I love her very much and can't imagine leaving her. however, if I tell her that i'm uncomfortable with the whole pregnancy,and don't think i can stay, i'm worried that this will seriously upset her and cause harm to the baby. I dont know what to do.
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female
reader, deejuliet  +, writes (23 October 2008):
 Polyamory is about honesty. What you really need to do is sit down with the two of them and talk. Congratulate them on the wonderful news and ask them how they feel about you continuing or not continuing in the capacity that you have been in. Tell them your disconfort with the pregnancy and upcoming birth. If you explain the reasons behind it they may be able to help you get past it! I cant believe that you want to be 'afraid' of babies the rest of your life and with their loving support and your shared joy in this momentous event in their life perhaps you can get past this 'fear'. If you continue in their lives you would be a special 'uncle' to this child. How do you feel about that?
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (22 October 2008):
 I agree with you. The coming of the baby has changed the situation, and you now have to adjust to it. How you will, I don't know.
As to your harming the baby if you leave, I doubt it. I'm more inclined to believe that this is your way to say you wish things could continue the same.
Where you stand here: between a rock and a hard place. You say she and her husband were doing family planning. Apparently you and her were not. So, I think you are entertaining the idea that the baby is yours. He/she might be, biologically, but s/he won't be legally yours unless you ask for a DNA test and the mother consents to have it done. Your problems won't stop there. The mother won't leave her husband just because you happen to be her child's father.
No matter what you do, something will be affected here. I'm afraid that the baby will be the one most affected. Maybe the four of you need to think carefully about that.
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A
female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (22 October 2008):
 I guess my first question is, why do you assume it is his child? If you were having a sexual relationship with this woman, is it possible it is yours?
If you are 100% certain (which means you two NEVER had sex or you have had a vesectomy) that this child will not be yours, then I guess I would advise that you talk to her about this. Tell her that you care deeply about her and that you really would like to know where you two stand at this point. Tell her that you want to be there for her but are unsure about the boundaries now. Ask her if you should step aside and that you know how important this child is to her. I dont think she will become that upset that harm will be caused on the baby as long as you approach the subject with your heart and be very understanding.
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (22 October 2008):
 What do they want then? I mean, ive heard of this situation before and the 'boyfriend' moved into the marital home and the fact a baby came along, didn't change anything. But it all depends what she wants now a baby is on the way. Has she not said?
C xxxxx
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