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Husband shows me no emotion

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Pornography<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 December 2009) 4 Answers - (Newest, 8 January 2010)
A female United States age 36-40, *hirlyk2 writes:

Hi, a very common question. I am wondering if it is justified to leave my husband. We don't have kids yet. My husband never shows me any kind of emotions. He has a problem with porn, which is something told him from the beginning that am not comfortable with but since he started hiding it from me, I decided, rather than fight with him over it, I asked him to let me watch it with him such that I don't feel cheated on emotionally. He refused and lied to me that he had stopped. But I always find videos hidden in the house or clips on the computer. He wakes up in the middle of the night to watch and masturbate to it. I wish he was doing this and at the same time getting intimate with me, but he is not interested in me at all. The kind of women he looks at are really big with big breasts and he has made it clear to me in not so many words how I am not good enough. This has taken my esteem to rock bottom. I realized that few times we have any bedroom action (coz he never shows any signs of being interested unless I ask, which in most cases he says he's exhausted, yet he doesn't work, he stays at home all day), anyway the few times we do it, he just lays there and I do all the work till he's done, without even lifting a finger. No foreplay nothing. just like it is shown in most of those porn clips he watches. I am forced to put up with that or else he'll just go to the bathroom and masturbate. Anyway long story short, I tried to convince myself not to be bothered much about the porn so instead tried to ask him if there's anything that he likes in the clips that I could do to him. but all I would get is 'No am good". Well I've always assumed he's just shy when it comes to talking about those intimate bedroom details which he calls 'vulgar".

Shocker!! I was surprised when I came across emails exchanged between him and several women. Him telling them what he'd want them to do to his **** and how he'd want to this and that to their ******* and breasts(jeez am sure you have an idea). I don't know how far this goes, and I don't want to assume anything. He tells them how pretty they are (he never compliments me. I know am pretty). When I confronted him about it of course he denied until I printed the mails for him, then he gave me the classic.."it meant nothing". Anyway I found out that he still continues to have these internet affairs, plus he has registered on dating sites, stating that he's looking for women to date, others he states that he's looking for casual sex. I know of a former co-worker he had an affair with though he denies, but they have spent a lot of time together, and he has spent some nights at her place, but he denies anything happened. I have spotted them before, in a restaurant in a very compromising position. Yet my hubby cannot even hold my hand in public. I have met her (the workmate) at least twice, just by mistake because he didn't want me to get to know her and she is very resentful towards me, despite the fact that I tried to be friendly.

I am really confused on how to handle this, because it has gotten worse with time. When I told him I want to leave, he said it is ok. He has never protested or tried to convince me not to. He says that he would prefer that I stayed but since I want to leave it is OK with him.

I wonder what to do because I am still young - almost 30, no kids to tie me down. He doesn't abuse me verbally or physically, he never complains, he's very polite, he cooks, cleans and does all that nice stuff (lol.. just not to me) but that's not enough. He's not romantic, never remembers my birthdays, never bought me gifts or done anything special for me. We live like brother and sister. His coldness has increased with time and his lies have hit the ceiling and am tired of being lied to like a fool. Sometimes I withhold the proof I have and watch him try to make a fool of me when he lies. It really hurts!! Whenever I introduce him to my girlfriends, I would find out later that they are calling each other very late in the night, behind my back. He will only admit to something if I prove it. We have talked about it at length, calmly, but he just keeps quiet and tells me to make a decision. or leave him if I want to.

I am still living with him though we haven't spoken to each other for months and that doesn't bother him.

please advice me, should I divorce him?? I care about him but am not in love with him. I am not happy, I have never been. I don't think he's happy either, but he has porn to cover up.

sorry for the long post

View related questions: affair, breasts, co-worker, divorce, foreplay, porn, shy

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2010):

Wow just leave him---PLEASE... This guy sounds like a selfish A**hole. There are a ton of Real men out there would respect you, and have the decency to not sleep with other women--especially because your Married. You need to just get out as quickly as you can, if there were children involved I would suggest trying to salvage the relationship you still have with him, however in your situation you have nothing to hold you back but yourself, don't let him keep treating you like dirt cause you don't deserve any of it...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2010):

Thank you for your positive and helpful responses. Well, you are right my esteem is very low right now, as a result of years of being made to feel ugly and unwanted. I think it's time to move on. It's really encouraging to hear that there are good men out there, though it will take me some time before I start feeling good enough about myself, to be able to start dating.

I also need to fight this feeling of guilt. I have always assumed that leaving him will "destroy" him, but as you said in one of the answers, what if he decided to leave me today, what would I do? You are right, I have never thought of it that way. I also have been telling myself that people leave marriages for worse reasons eg physical abuse etc and so that makes my issues petty. But really am not happy and it is emphasized by the fact that just last night I walked in on him masturbating to dirty clips sent to him by a some woman, and he was furious with me! He made me look like am the bad person for walking in on him. But am sure every human being would want to find out what's going on if they hear noises in their apartment in the middle of the night. I think it's enough!! I deserve to be loved. Thanks again. Maybe I just needed a little support so as to make up my mind.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2009):

It sounds to me that you are waiting for confirmation from him that these things are taking place before you can move on. Take it from me, some men will never come clean about their extra curricular activities, even if you socked them in the face with it.

The fact that you have stayed so long knowing what you do emphasises how little self esteem you have. Put it another way to yourself, if he left you tomorrow, what would you do? Would you continue with your life or would you sit around waiting for him to come back to you?

Everyone deserves to be love and to feel loved. What he is doing to you is emotional torture and no one should have to endure that. Believe me when I say I know how hard it is to walk away, but time is a great healer and you need to make promises to yourself that you will not settle for anything or anyone less than what you deserve.

He will not change, he will just get better at hiding the porn, hiding the chat sites, continuing to do all these things behind your back without a 2nd thought.

I truly hope you find the courage to leave him and move one.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom +, writes (31 December 2009):

This is more than him not just showing you love, it's actually about him talking to other women sexually. I have to say, it doesnt' seem like he cares about you one but. Divorce him and find a guy who will care about you. I promise we're not all that bad!

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