A
female
age
41-50,
*nlady
writes:My husband and I have been married for 6 years, our sex life has always been great, but lately I feel that I am nothing more than a mouth for him. He wants oral sex everyday, and though I dont mind it, it seems that he has no emotions about it, no cuddling, no kissing, just him pulling it out and saying suck me. I hate it, because I need the emotional aspect of it. I am beginning to feel that I am just his sucker..and in more than one way. I love my husband with all my heart and I enjoy making love with him, but when he expects me just to take him and get nothing in return it hurts my feelings. He is loving for the most part, but there are so many times that I feel left out and used, because he doesn't even make me feel loved after I give him a BJ.I tried to talk with him and let him know that I love him, but that it makes me feel bad when he just comes up to me out of nowhere and wants me to suck him. He got angry with me and said that from now on, he won't ask for anything and that we won't do anything anymore unless I suggest it. He refuses to even talk about it anymore.I didn't mean to make him feel bad, but he says it hurt him that I didnt want to give him a BJ and makes him feel like I don't want him anymore. It is not true, I was just trying to let him know that I need the feeling of love and affection not just the act of giving him pleasure at his beckoned call. I give him a BJ everytime before sex, and it is very rare that he even touches me before we have sex. What can I do to make my husband understand that I love him and desire him, but when he just wants me to suck him, I feel so left out?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2020): Run, after 21 years with my husband, who i love very much, it hasnt changed.. oh i wont ask again... I wont ever mention it agai.. you never put me first... What bout my needs.. i asked for a blow job thats me initiating ... Aww please dont you want to take care of my needs... I take cAre of you i pay the majority of the bills( mf i raised the 4kids while you where on week long trips three ti.es a year!) Men need more than women..
Your choices are except it or move on.
They do t see a problem they see is as a bunch of holes when it comes to sex.
Not saying all men are that way , but those that a t this way.. it doesnt change. They dont see a problem. And eventually you hate sex and yourself
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female
reader, Jay57 +, writes (24 May 2017):
I have the same problem. My husband works a lot usually not home til 9 pm 7 days a week. Has dinner and off to the the bathroom he goes. Takes him anywhere between hour an half to 2 hours sometimes longer. He takes his tablet and he watches porn.which I don't mind we do together. I'm waiting up just to have sometime with him. Not knowing if he's getting himself off or if he's wanting to be with me when he's finally out. When he does come out its spent watching porn he does suffer from E.D I always proceed with giving him a bj to start things off but that's usually it. When I say that I'm sucking his d*** for hour-2 hours I'm not kidding! He touches the back of my head that's it. Not into what I'm doing the porn is what gets him off. We have not had sex with my clothes off in 8 years. Usually my panties are pulled to the side. I have told him that it upsets me hurts my feelings I feel cheap and the sad part is that I see that he also Jacks off every chance he gets. Says his sexual needs are greater than mine. Not it at all. He is into some kinky stuff and I have also done whatever it takes to keep him satisfied. Any suggestions plz
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2017): I definitely can relate to this 100%. Hell I feel like u wrote it for me. My husband is the same. Expects me to always pleasure him with a BJ and yet he has never even given me. Telling me how soon he will do n I need to give him time bcuz he has never done it. We been married for 5yrs now and togther for 8. We always Ave quarrels when I try to explain how I feel used and unappreciated. Now he gets mad telling me he won't ever ask for anything again that has to do with his penis. I am just tired and frustrated. Who do I talk to if I can't even talk to him about it.
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reader, Kbug16 +, writes (16 December 2016):
I seem to be in the same vote all he expects is oral, we have sex maybe once a month (I'm 24 he's 25). I've tried to spice things up with toys lingerie anything but he never seems to want to throw any pleasure my way he gets off an thinks it's hilarious that I'm sitting there waiting for something in return but he goes right on to bed every night after I get him off. If I don't give him oral or get him off he acts like it's the end of the world and gets completely pissed off an acts like a child an says it's all my fault.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2016): I have a similar problem and I have no one to talk to about it. Wondering if people still read this thread? Aghhh.... seems like nowadays he just wants me for oral also....but the problem is I can't even finish him because he's too used to watching porn every day so it's impossible for him to get off from a real person. Unless it's someone new. He says he understands why I don't like him watching porn and we try to watch it together but he manipulates me to think he's going to stop but never stops. I don't want to leave him, we've been together for almost 4 years now. It seems like he doesn't want to make love to me, touch me, look me in the eyes. He doesn't want to touch me randomly like I come up to him with passion . I love doing these things for him but he gets so mad so easily . He expects when I'm on my period to give him head and right now he's on the verge of moving out because I didn't wake him up like that. I wasn't feeling well. He didn't ask how I was feeling. Sigh. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just ranting to aether. Thank u for everyone's insight. I'm not the only one. Thank u. Namaste.
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reader, 112 Song +, writes (3 November 2016):
I cannot believe This problem actually exists! My wife gives no oral at all. She's tried it in the past when we were dating, but she says it's a turn off for her so she just wrote it off as something she will not do. I love her so I don't want her doing something that makes her feel dirty or used. I just accept that i will live the rest of my life not getting oral ever again. ON the other hand...there are women on her saying they give it to their husbands daily!? Oral sex is like the greatest gift a woman could give to a man besides the keys to his dream car! These guys are selfish pricks! Unless a woman agrees to a Sub/Dom relationship, she shouldn't be treated the way the OP has been treated.
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reader, Whatafulluh  +, writes (10 September 2016):
Some of the experiences on here are insane! Im a guy, i have needs as does my wife. I stumbled across this because i was wondering if anyone else gets bothered when they dont get head, how weird is that. In my case i get bothered when my mrs says she's going to give me a blow job and when night time hits she just goes to sleep haha. Its not all the time but i get a bit annoyed when it happens. The reason i was looking on here was because i felt i was getting too annoyed about something so trivial. Our sex life is great, she's very open to try things as am i so i dont think I can complain when if at the end of a normal day full of ^^^ she doesnt wanna give me head...that said it still annoys me if she's said she will. So i asked her not to say she will unless she will. I dunno if that's cool but too late.As for the other stories on here man, Sex needs to be for both people. Women need an emotional connection for sexual arousal and while men do also its predominantly physical. While getting head is great, especially if you dont have to do anything (guys and girls) sex is only one aspect of a healthy relationship and it sounds like a lot of people out there are making it the pinnacle of their relationship. Don't all guys wanna make their ladies feel awesome sexually anyway?? Maybe thats just me...i have some insecurities haha. This is a lot of rambling but i hopw it helps someone, cos after readig some of these i have nothing to complain about. Last tip to the ladies-tell your partner what you need emotionally and how it relates to sex for you. If he cares he will listen and adjust accordingly.
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reader, AdamAndHisEve +, writes (16 February 2015):
Here's your answer from a man who is much like your husband. My wife offers blowjobs daily because she knows I need them. She too once had this Hollywood idea of what love and sex are supposed to be. You can see from some of the other posters that they have the same entrainment (teaching only from entertainment). Women have been taught that love is made under the covers with the lights off with some music being played, for hours. There should be kissing and cuddling and holding and soft caresses. Yes. A nice expensive romantic dinner for two, planned weeks in advance is nice. Especially when he takes you out shopping the day before for the perfect dress, jewelry, and sends you out to get your hair done. That's making love.Sometimes he just wants to pull into the drive-through for a quick burger because he's starving and doesn't have time for all of the pomp and circumstance. Sometimes the man just needs to get off. To relieve the pressure and enjoy his wife. She is not something to be used, a Toy to be thrown in the closet when you're done with her. She is a lover and a partner who understands her man's body, mind, heart, and soul. Now my wife and I are complemented daily on the strength of our relationship. People ask us for the secret to our 13 years and how we seem to be so happy together all the time. Maybe it's when I spontaneously rub her feet after a long day or bathe her by hand in the shower or surprise her with flowers for no other reason other than to say I love you. I do this because we are open about our needs to each other and we do our damnedest to fulfill them. Men and women both have different definitions of what being loved means. Your husband has been open and honest with you about it and has not resorted to cheating. My wife and I have been honest with each other about what we need from each other and have never had a moment to doubt each other's faithfulness. Her best friend on the other hand, found herself on the discovery end of a cheating husbands text message with a prostitute. Her friend is seriously doubting the feminist ideology that her mother taught her. But to this end, only be willing to be his everything if he is willing to be yours. If he is not, ditch the bastard and find someone who will. You are both allowed to be selfish, but only with and for each other.
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reader, sheeple +, writes (9 February 2014):
I have had time to think about this my thought and experience
Your husband prefers and expects blow jobs. You get nothing in return
if he wont have intercourse kiss you performed oral on. You
I have come to the conclusion your husband is no longer in love with you
he has turned what I mean by that is
He thought he was heterosexual loved the sex but in the back of his mind was homosexual thoughts either he has or had a man on man relationship
So here gos you blow him and he dont return anything then demands
secretly hes thinking of a man doing the deed honey I dont think it will ever change heswaiting for you to leave that way he can blame everything on you
To friends and family now more and more gays are coming out
when you are gone he will be secretly with a man
Find another guy bring him home and have a 3 some
I would love something like that
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2013): I can't believe i'm reading this from all of you..i dont even know what to say. For the women who are with men like that, please, get rid of them. It's not often i'm left absolutely speechless.Their behaviour is disgusting and degrading. Mind you, it's not been that much better in my situation. If i refuse, he gets annoyed, he wont stop talking about it.. I think we all have to realise just how amazing, beautiful and intelligent we are and dump these guys! Clearly they have no respect for us, clearly we are nothing more than blowjob robots. At what point did this shift occur? where men think they can treat women like that? A relationship, A MARRIAGE, is more than this and to the woman who gives it 3 times a day or for the woman who does it for hours on end...WHAT ARE YOU THINKING??? REFUSE! Let him dump you, f*ck, its better than that! Remember when you were little girls and you wanted a prince to come sweep you off your feet? Do you remember what you wanted to do with your lives? Did you think it would come to this?? No one wishes these disgusting scenarios for themselves! GET RID! This is NOT normal, these "men" are such manipulative ARSEHOLES!!!
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reader, sickofsex +, writes (22 June 2013):
I am living with the same situation. My husband asks me to give him a BJ several times a day. He explained to me that he is only able to get off at certain times of the day, mainly being the VERY first thing in the morning before he goes to work (3:30 am) and when he gets home from work after a shower (approx 1:00 pm). Mind you this is every day. He used to wake me up every morning and he expects me to stop whatever I am doing in the afternoon and be ready for him when he gets home. I once didnt mind giving him a BJ, but it evolved into being all he wants and he has no problem with the fact that I get nothing...other than the privilege as he calls it. If I ask him to make love to me (after I have given him about 30 minutes of oral), he hesitates for several seconds, sometimes sighs, and with a shitty tone, he says, "if i can", and he makes a lame attempt to use a limp penis that was more than erect 45 seconds ago. Then he says, "just finish me." I dont think about sex all day every day and I dont care for scheduled sex. I think the final straw was when I was crying and upset and i look and he whips it out and says ,"I got something that will make you feel better" I feel like nothing but a mouth. When I say no, he makes me feel bad about anything and everything else I do until I take care of his needs. Oh and if I dont cooperator after work and lets say that its around 6:00 pm and I approach him (to give him a BJ), he says its too late in the evening, or if he is willing, he looks at his watch about every 5 minutes and finally says its too late for him to get off....he has made me hate sex
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reader, distortionatitsfinest +, writes (15 September 2012):
Well i obviously stumbled upon this while searching for a solution or advice on how to deal with a similar situation! I've been married 4 years now to someone that before marriage was very attentive to my needs and wants as I was to his.. well fast forward and BAM complete opposite.. I can definitely relate to the original poster as well as Little_Bird.. I feel ya!It is to the point that I'm done talking to him as clearly my needs are less important and to be frank! He's a baby and plays the blame game because in his mind he's the top dog.. Ignorance is bliss they say well he's on cloud 9. I used to be a confident woman I use to feel like i mattered and now sitting here I wonder wtf has happened.. Little_bird you mentioned the fact that you have a past is a problem.. Ha! Me too!! In the beginning of our marriage He insisted on revealing all experiences as a way to become "one" and as close as possible.. Well it is now used as ammo and i'm the biggest w**** and S*** known to mankind when things dont go his way.. Little_Bird those text you speak of yeah i know what ya mean.. I cant really say that my Mr's is only keen on oral altho i do the deed damn near daily.. he's very intense and extreme sexually so his preferences are colorful to say the least.. the issue is it's all about him god forbid he touch me and 1/8 of what he use to heck and 1/8 of what i do for him would be something.. The only time he's semi involved is when we are trying out one of his off the wall fetishes that use to be even if not my thing i would do regardless cause i know the payoff i'd get from him afterwards was well worth it! Now it's a chore As i sit here and type this i realize why i've view more as his sex slave opposed to an equal sexually speaking.. It is indeed my fault! I've lost the self respect i did have and my self esteem is definitely not up to par as i've slowly let his asshole outburst chip away at it.. I cannot expect him to respect me as well as my needs and wants when i don't respect them myself.. I've addressed this issue in all ways possible I've been nice used the kid gloves, explained how i feel unwanted/rejected.. I've been blunt/mean you name it i've tried it and it always ends with him going off and completely overreacting and making me feel worse then i did starting out.. It is now to the point i ignore and in my silence he prevails... rather then stooping to his level on the putting down and threatening (never been my way of dealing with anything) i keep to myself.. We are slowly getting to a place that the wedge that's being created is going to be too deep to bother with fixing.. I think it's time for us women to realize we need to be our biggest cheerleader and that our feelings matter just the same.. I don't known why we settle for less then we deserve and why we take everything so personally... Time to do some inner fixing and getting to a place of confidence! I definitely hope that all situations improve I love my husband to death but i'm realizing love isnt close to enough for our marriage to be solid and successful!
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reader, Little_bird +, writes (27 August 2012):
OP, are you still viewing this thread? I'm a little late to the conversation but you have described my life. For me, it's been 3 years and we've separated once already for a couple of weeks.
What is happening now, any updates?
Me ....
I think the fighting is worse because I do speak up about it all of the time. Although his way of discussing it is talking over me and suddenly talking about my past and degrading me horribly. That's his solution for all discussions until he realizes he doesn't want to lose me and changes just enough to get me back in his arms.
FYI. I don't have anything out of the ordinary in my past for him to degrade me so much but the fact that there IS a past prior to him is the problem. People not up to his standards, etc.
He has made me feel like I am a terrible wife. When I pleasure him orally almost daily ... It's still not good enough. But at the time, it's the best in the world. He would rather have that daily as much as he can in lieu of anything in life. If I don't, I feel so sure he will leave me. I'm to the point that I hate it because I resent it so much. So let him leave, right? Yes if I can wrap my head around the fact he doesn't love me and is playing a very manipulative game.
He tells me I am the only one that he has ever had problems like this with. And no wonder I never had a relationship last before him. He has me believing it is the wife thing to do and that I am not doing my duty properly.
The thing is, I wouldn't mind if he showed me love and affection in between. I love him, of course I want to please him and make him happy. But I feel this isn't natural and I can see the life draining from my eyes. You have to reward. I get emotionally beat up.
Every phone conversation is about a blowjob, he can't wait for me to get home. I work 10 hours a day, drive two hours a day and I like to unwind when I get home with a cup of coffee. I like having coffee in the morning also. Well both of those "me time" rituals are now being fought too.
He wakes up in the morning and starts talking about it even before he says good morning to me. I know, this sounds crazy, what am I doing? I really believed he was in love with me too and we would work this out.
I feel sick to my stomach today because of last night. It took 2 hours of trying. I just couldn't ... It was a gag fest after that long. I wasn't feeling well and exhausted. I asked him 3 various times to make love to me for the finish of it. I was rejected - he was pissed. I ended up rolling over and trying to sleep. I had 4 hours left but he made sure I didn't get any.
Text messages are cruel today. Can't wait to go home. I've had a lot of insight in what I've read. I just don't know how or what exactly to put into words. Will he leave me ... Probably.
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reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (5 May 2012):
 At this point, he might get hurt, but you are ALREADY HURT.
Be direct. If he can't handle that, then the lines of communications are broken, and you get a divorce.
If he does not value you as a person, then he will not love you again, if he did in the first place.
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female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (3 May 2012):
 OP, you need to learn how to talk to him without WORRYING ABOUT making him feel inferior. By shielding him from any unpleasant news you're not giving him a chance to learn how to accept such news with grace. You are both nurturing the very worst in him.
Indulging his selfishness for fear of upsetting him is an admission that YOU think he's inferior and incapable of handling disappointment.
There is also some kind of payoff in it for you. You may not like the situation but if you weren't getting something out of it you would have stopped doing it long ago. Ask yourself what that is and see if you can satisfy that need in a healthier way.
This is not an assignment of blame, but an aerial view of the maze so you can find your way out of it.
My earlier advice was not meant to encourage you to become an ugly, self absorbed person and treat him badly. I should have re-phrased it. I wanted you to give your own wants and needs greater importance than his ego and encourage him, by your actions, to do the same. Train him to earn your approval instead of always handing it to him on a platter.
Your husband does not need a blow job to feel liked or good about himself. He certainly doesn't expect them from his parents, his friends or his colleagues, does he?
He wants what he wants for free and his 'hurt feelings' are just a smoke screen to guilt you into providing it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2012): You know maybe it's time you approached this on the other foot and asked him straight up how important it is to him that he makes you happy. If he says it's important then ask him why he is so resistant to altering the sexual dynamic ever so slightly in order to make it even better for you.
All you're asking is for more tenderness, more affection and a little more sexual attention from him. You're not saying anything about his sexual performance you just want to make it better.
Ask him why he doesn't want to improve it? Ask him how it makes sense to him that when you suggest an improvement, one in which you're not taking anything away from him does he just close himself off? OP you're his wife he's allowed to ask you for things, ask him if you can ask him things too? If so then why when you ask him for this does he close himself off?
I think OP you need to approach this with questions, and then just listen to what he has to say, his reasons why, try and make some sense of this by getting him to open up. Don't tell him anything just ask and listen. Perhaps if he explains these things out loud to you he may well see himself that what he's doing doesn't make sense. That's the funny thing about asking and listening people like him who are very ego-centric tend to listen to themselves more than they do others. So very often the trick is to get them to talk, very often the things they've internalized don't sound very logical to them when said out loud.
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reader, tnlady +, writes (3 May 2012):
tnlady is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to say that I have never felt that I was a victim of my husband. I just wanted to find out how to handle the situation, without upsetting my husband to badly. I know that my husband has a big problem when it comes to anything pertaining to his sexual performance. He is really not a bad man, and I really do not want to leave him or divorce him.I know that this has just become a habit with him, and he has learned to just expect it, without having to do anything in return. My biggest problem is how to talk to him without damaging his ego even more. He believes that rejection means that I don't desire him, which is really wrong. But although my husband is handsome and intelligent, he does suffer from low self esteem and it is very difficult for him to handle any negative feedback. I am going to seek counseling for myself, as I know that walking on eggshells has caused me to allow him to do many things that other people wouldn't put up with, but mostly I want to find out how to talk with him gently, and hopefully without causing him to feel that I am rejecting him. When we were first married, he was not this way at all, but as time has progressed, he has developed this habit. when I spoke to him about it, he got very upset and has refused to even hug me or kiss my cheek. Since then he says he doesn't want to make me feel that he is asking for anything from me. In his mind it is all or nothing.Anyways, I do thank everyone for the insights, I need to know how to talk to him without making him feel inferior and without making him feel that I don't want him. That is my biggest problem right now, just finding the right way to talk to him.
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reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (2 May 2012):
@op...
Yes, it is your fault for allowing it to progress, but it is HIS FAULT for doing what he did for all these years.
He is the one to start it, because, in fact, he is a bad person.
He applies double standards to his wife.
He is an ass.
You are the one who has to make the decision here, but he needs to go.
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (2 May 2012):
@op...
Yes, it is your fault for allowing it to progress, but it is HIS FAULT for doing what he did for all these years.
He is the one to start it, because, in fact, he is a bad person.
He applies double standards to his wife.
He is an ass.
You are the one who has to make the decision here, but he needs to go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2012): Foot-In-My-Mouth I'm not victim blaming, she's not a victim so stop trying to make her feel downtrodden because she isn't. She has an issue she wants to find a way of resolving and she's the only person who can fix that because there is an imbalance in their relationship and she wants and needs to address that. How is it victim blaming to simply state she's allowed this and it's up to her to discover the ways she can fix this. Unlike you I don't want to ruin their relationship by calling her husband a callous abusive bastard. She loves him and wants to fix this. She's not an abuse victim like you so wish she was, she's a woman that's happy to do the things she's doing but not how it's happening and she can and will sort that out.
Not everyone is a victim and she certainly isn't. There's no point in letting her believe that he's some kind of monster because as she said herself this is a bad habit that has developed over time and I simply will not fall back and not tell someone they are equally responsible for what happens in their relationship just because the sisterhood want to blame men for everything and invoke that strawman "victim-blaming" crap any time anyone is told they need to look at themselves first.
So it's really nothing to do with her that her husband has gotten into the habit of demanding and getting blow jobs? Really? She has no part in that at all? That's funny because I just assumed she too was a grown adult capable of making her own choices in life, a woman who knows right from wrong and has the ability to say no. I'm not victim blaming, but funnily enough I think it's a better idea not to make someone think they're a victim in the first place and actually let them know how I think they can get what they want, instead of just telling every woman that she's somehow a victim and the guy is always the asshole in everything.
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reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (2 May 2012):
 I agree with what Ciar said. Don't let anyone tell you it's your fault. You've only been too nice and caring. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT so don't blame yourself. Some agony uncles tend to habitually get into the victim-blaming mode but don't let them get you down. It's not your fault, you're a very nice, accomodative person and your husband has taken advantage of that because he is selfish and uncaring. You have to take a stand and make him stop taking advantage of your love.
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reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (2 May 2012):
You're falling into that trap of blaming yourself. Blame and fault are toxic and pointless. Your husband is a grown man and he chose to behave the way he did. You chose to put up with it, yes, but that does not make you at fault here. You only own what you can control.
Ease up on yourself.
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reader, tnlady +, writes (1 May 2012):
tnlady is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to say that I agree with the fact that I have allowed this, I am very timid and reserved, and I as a rule do not stand up to my husband. I have allowed things to get to this point, by not standing up sooner and always giving in when my husband throws a tantrum or acts cold and heartless, when I dont do the things he wants. I know it is time for me to change this, as I am really getting tired, though I love my husband and dont want a life without him. I have decided to go to therapy and try to get back some of my own self esteem and dignity back. My husband is not a bad man, I never have felt he is bad, but he does have control issues, and I have allowed him to have all the control which is really not fair. I do not blame him anymore, and I do accept the blame for allowing his actions to escalate over the years. It wasn't always like this, it happened over time. Thank you for your insights, sometimes the problem is clearer to those looking from the outside...Again thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2012): Well I'm a guy who views oral both giving and receiving as essential parts of a healthy sex life and I won't compromise on either in the sense that I would have to re-evaluate my relationship if I thought they were not going to be a regular part of my sex life.
Your husband though is different though it seems, he's just gotten in to a very comfortable and lazy habit which you are partly to blame for. I like oral because it's a gift, both to receive and give, and as such it comes with a lot of gratitude and consideration. There is quite simply no chance in hell I would enjoy it if my partner felt how you do about it but there is also no chance in hell she'd let it get that far either, she can say no to me and it wouldn't matter if I threw my toys out of the pram because that would just make her less inclined to want to. Sorry OP but you're trying to change the wrong person, it's you that needs to learn how to get the things you need.
Saying all that I'm not quite sure I agree with the others here. Yes he is acting like a spoilt child and yes he does seem to be emotionally blackmailing you but perhaps you're approaching this wrong. I mean come on OP why did you let the situation get to this point after 6 years? He's gotten into a bad habit, and you've let him take you for granted and then all of a sudden you turn around after 6 years and say it's not working for you?
Old habits die hard OP, you've let him have this wonderful gift without getting anything in return and only now you want things to change? You have to make a choice here and not be so flaky about it. If you want your needs met you have to ensure they are met, your husband is only narcissistic because you're so passive and timid. I'm very domineering with the wrong woman, I'm only human and while I love to think I am a good, respectful guy I will walk all over a doormat and wipe my feet on them after a while if they let me because I have a stubborn and wilful personality, I need a woman who is firm, knows what she wants from me and how to communicate that to me and won't give me an inch if I try to take a mile. OP it's very easy to slip into bad habits when you're given so much without having to give anything in return, you get lazy, you get used to this good life and it can be hard togive that up.
Now a few of the others suggest he's a bad man etc. that you need to strengthen up but you're not that kind of person or this would never have been a problem, you seems to cede to his wishes easily even when you try therapy he shuts himself off and gets his own way.
You either have to find a way of gently gaining some balance in your relationship or you have to put up with it. You've reached an impasse because of that.
You feel unwanted and used when you give blow jobs he feels unwanted and used when you don't.
You say that you don't care about getting pleasure the only way you'll feel satisfied that he's not using you as warm hole to stick it in is for him to give something back to you. So just start getting him to do that. If he wants a blowjob he has to earn that by giving you lots of love and affection or pleasure. OP a blow job has to become a reward for good behaviour in his mind, like a treat to a dog who sits, or a cookie to a child who has completed their homework. You have to teach him just like you would teach a child that tantrums are not going to work and in fact they will only lead to their goal being further away. So never, ever pander to a tantrum, never allow that to be a tool that works. Like a mother you have to be consistent and you have to be fair. You're not doing him any favours by letting him walk all over you. You're just driving a wedge because you're unhappy.
Either he gives you what you need to feel okay about giving them or he doesn't get them. If he throws a tantrum, you don't give them until he decides to earn them the proper way.
You ever see those weak-willed parents whose kids will scream and throw things off the shelves in the supermarket to get what they want? The type you cringe looking at? How can they resolve that and stop their child doing that? Easy isn't it? (not easy to do of course) They just never give in to that behaviour, they teach their kid that tantrums only make things worse and they remain consistent with that. You show that child that if they want something they earn it as a reward for good behaviour and nothing else will work, that is the only way children learn. Well OP your husband is that child, he knows throwing a tantrum and kicking and screaming will get him what he wants so he does that. He's probably not doing it to be selfish or abusive or any of those things, he's just doing it because it works and that's all most of us ever do. Time to adjust your behaviour if you want him to have the desired response, it's the only way and that all starts with you. It will take consistency and delicacy but it can be done. If you want to do therapy, do it alone, you can't fix him, you can only fix you and it would do you some good to learn how to be more assertive.
OP
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reader, DoubleM +, writes (1 May 2012):
 When a man has a wife or girlfriend who provides good oral pleasure, it is easy to slip into a mindset that receiving oral from her is much like quick release via masturbation. Oral sex is a wonderful thing, but only when mutual and usually when accompanied with a full array of stimulation that both partners enjoy.
In my youth, which was a long while ago, I had some girlfriends who readily provided such relief as you describe, and it was so easy to get into a routine that tended to exclude their needs to some degree. I had to make specific effort to alter that mindset in order to keep a girlfriend for long, which was learned by experience. In short, it's all about "mutual" satisfaction, and if both partners are happy and satisfied sexually, then all is well. Otherwise, the relationship is doomed - it just becomes a one-way street with a dead end.
Through experience, the thing I learned is that a happy wife or girlfriend is the best possible provider of blow jobs on the planet, but she first must be satisfied. It's that simple. Take care of her - first - and live happy together.
I'm not sure how you can teach your husband what took me a few years to realize. I had to lose a few good ones before the obvious became clear.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2012): OP, its time to stop focusing on how to change your husband because you can't change someone else. He has found a way to get what he wants which is to manipulate and coerce you by playing the wronged victim. And it apparently has worked wonders on you because you have been doing what he wants despite the toll it's taking on you.
At this point it's not about him anymore its about you and your choices and decisions to let him treat you like this. If you choose to let someone treat you badly it's really no surprise that you end up feeling hurt and resentful and unhappy. You don't have magic powers so you don't have the capability to make him love you or treat you the way a husband should treat his wife. But you do have the power to stop him treating you badly which is to not do what he wants anymore and to set and stick with some boundaries. Will this make him into a loving normal husband? Probably not. But it will make you feel less offended and hurt and violated. And that's better than where you're at now. I don't mean to offend but I think you might need some therapy to undo whatever distorted ways of thinking have led you to make the decisions you have in allowing someone to treat you so horribly. Its not about trying to be a nice person. If you really were so nice you wouldn't mind being treated horribly but you do so don't hide behind a martyr complex. It's not about love. Normal people don't love someone who doesn't love them back. It may be attachment or dependency that you feel towards him but its not love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2012): You need to readjust your attitude to what marriage and self respect means. Til now you put your husbands desires above yours and you don't respect yourself. So you have helped to create this situation and helped destroy your own soul.
If you don't respect yourself no one else will. Respecting yourself means you will not tolerate being degraded and exploited. The definition of not tolerating means you leave the relationship. Not that you stay and try to beg or persuade someone to respect you. And if they refuse you still stay and take it and continue to try persuade them to respect you. No this is futile.
Since your husband is obviously not suited to marriage since he's so selfish, you should leave him. As long as you stay he will continue like this and if you refuse to let him degrade and use you he will probably cheat on you and blame it on you saying you didn't meet his needs so what was he supposed to do. In a nutshell the longer you stay with him the more entrenched he will be in his ways and the more miserable you will be. Get out now and salvage your dignity.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (1 May 2012):
 He doesn't feel hurt, he feels manipulative. He knows you're very empathetic and if he plays all hurt you will feel guilty. Stop feeling guilty because he doesn't actually feel hurt. If you were turning him down all the time, sure. But refusing to be his sex toy 1-2 times a day? Give me a break. He is a manipulator.
Also no one NEEDS sex or is entitled to sex. Marriage or not, he is not entitled to sex. He definitely won't be physically harmed in any way if you refuse him sex sometimes because say, it's just not fun or rewarding for you. He can always masturbate and if he doesn't, he won't suffer any problems from not having sex 1-2 times a day. You deserve to have equal satisfaction. If you don't get that, he doesn't deserve to get any either.
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reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth +, writes (1 May 2012):
I think your husband is a selfish, callous and abusive person who is pretending to be hurt so that he doesn't have to explain his sick conduct and can get away with it by making you feel guilty...and you know what? You're letting him succeed. You state that he loves you. How do you know that? Because he tells you so? A man who uses and abuses his partner just in order to get off is a fine example of a man in love! You're in denial, OP, but your husband is a selfish jerk and you want to believe it isn't so. Unless you come to terms with the way he really is, this pattern of sexual use and abuse will continue and you'll be stuck being a receptacle for his penis for the rest of your life.
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reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (1 May 2012):
Better still, leave him and reinvent yourself.
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reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (1 May 2012):
Your husband does not feel hurt and he doesn't think you're putting him down. He's angry because he's being held to account for his actions. This bruised ego act is just a diversion to focus your attention on what HE wants instead of what YOU want, on how HE feels instead of how YOU feel. You've heard the old adage 'the best defense is a good offense'. It's a very old trick. Don't fall for it.
Secondly, stop telling him how much you love him. You're only making it worse. He knows full well how you feel about him which is why his tantrums work so well. The more you reassure him the more power you give him.
As hard as it may seem at first, you cannot treat him with the same courtesy and consideration you'd treat a normal person. People like him see it as weakness and exploit it. You have to be tough, uninterested and unapologetic. You must adopt a 'ME FIRST' attitude with him at all times.
Stop trying to be fair. You do only what works for you and makes you feel good. No long heart to heart conversations about this either. You've tried them, and they don't work. No announcements or declarations. Few if any words. It's actions that count.
And no special praise or reward for anything nice he does. It would go to his head and he would think you owed him. The rest of us don't get a gold star for every good deed we do.
The person who will have to make the biggest changes is you. You must be disciplined and believe in yourself. Resist the urge to fall back into old patterns and when you do, don't despair. Just get back on the horse.
He won't like the changes, but who cares?
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reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (1 May 2012):
I say do what Aunty Bim Bim said. Very good advice.However, your husband is an idiot. I inject my own anecdotes into the answers a lot, but they are always valid.I am known as the most controlling and demanding person in the bedroom any of my partners have ever been with. However, I am the most giving and caring partner at the same time. I will go down on my woman for HOURS if she wants. I will make her cum more than she has ever cum before, AND THEN start having sex with her. Being demanding and aggressive never bothers any of my partners, with the exception of those that just don't like a large sex drive. What does bother all of them? The fact that their exes never were interested in showing AFFECTION. Having sex and banging a girl without saying nice things or being nice is not being a good partner. He needs to show affection, otherwise its not love, its a fuck doll.You need to DEMAND that he listen to you. He can get angry and bitch all he wants. However, he has to listen to what you say, because he does not give you what you need. It's just not fair. You owe it to yourself to do that. If he gets really angry and scary, then he is potentially abusive and you shouldn't be with him. If he chooses not to listen and does the silent treatment, well, did you want to be married to a man, or a boy?
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reader, tnlady +, writes (1 May 2012):
tnlady is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank everyone for their answers, Tisha I will look into therapy, but as I said my husband is narcissistic and the last time that we tried it, we fought more. I dont know how well it will work, as he sees everything as threat. I know he loves me, and I truly do love him, but he is not very easy to reason with. Eddie thanks as well, and I will give it a try, as I said I am old school, and when I was growing up it was never mentioned that a woman should ever put her needs first or any place for that matter. I dont care if he gives me pleasure or not, but I really hate feeling like all I mean to him is something to suck him upon his every whim. Thanks again everyone, I will keep you posted on how things go. I guess I just need to vent, because right now I am just feeling so hurt.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2012): Your husband only thinks of him self and is completely selfish and self centered. Marriage is a give and take thing. There should never be one who gives all the time and never recieves cause this is not fair. You are his wife not his oral sex slave in which he is making you to become. Does he really love you? No. Does he care about pleasing you? No. Does he want to give you oral and kiss you and thank you for taking care of him? No. If he loved you like I loved my ex who left me for another man he would be like I was with my ex. Every time we had oral or sex I would tell her thank you and kiss her and tell her how wonderful she was and how good she was and make her feel as loved as I possibly could and make her to know that she was indeed very much appreciated. I always took care of all of her sexual needs and she took care of mine to in the first 4 years of our marriage until she began to cheat on me and left me for another man.Marriage is giving to each others sexual needs always and always telling each other how much you loved the other and how much you appreciate it. Any one who is doing what your husband is doing to you is only thinking about him self. He is not thinking about you nor does he care. He is only using you for oral. Yes all men enjoy recieving oral. But if he is blessed to have you to do it to him every day, he does not deserve you. You are way to good for him and you need to ask him some very personal quesitons like this: Do you love me? Do you want our marriage to work? Do you appreciate me giving you oral when you ask for it cause I don't really have to? Do you want to be a giving husband and meet my needs also and show me you really love me and care for me and appreciate me? If he answers any of these questions saying no or I don't know or gets mad then you know the answer and it is time for you to move on for your marriage to him is based on how you can please him only. But if you want to continue to be his oral sex slave then this is your choice cause like I said he is only using you and this is not right in the Eyes of God.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 May 2012):
 "I am not your sexual vending machine. I do not like the way this situation makes me feel. I want to desire you and I want to be desired by you as more than a mouth. This isn't happening and my attempts to discuss it are dismissed by your anger and rather irrational reaction.
"I can't tolerate the situation any longer and we either go to therapy and try to come to a solution or we go with my solution, which is my giving you oral sex when I feel like it, and that is not every day. Sorry for being so blunt but I am at the end of my rope here.
"If you stalk off angry again, then we are going to be stuck in this limbo. I dislike being emotionally blackmailed; it is coercive and frankly, I'm feeling abused.
"Therapy. I've made an appointment, one that we both can go to. This is the date and the time."
I think you need to decide when you have had enough. I expect this isn't the only part of your marriage that is troublesome. If you have to walk on eggshells all the time, you are being abused. You can find a local referral here: http://thehotline.org/
Best wishes to you.
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reader, eddie85 +, writes (1 May 2012):
 Part of the deal with sex is that it has to be a 2-way street. It sounds like you don't mind oral sex but it certainly sounds like he is lacking in the mutual satisfaction department.
Have you tried coming on to him? How about dressing up in something provocative and inviting him to perform oral on you? Or next time if he insists on getting a BJ, why not slip into a 69 position. Or while giving him oral, suggest that you need to be satisfied too. It always amazes me how fast married people lose the ability to seduce their partners.
I do agree with your assessment that he is becoming a lazy lover and I would suggest gently reminding him that he has a duty to provide sexually for you too. It sounds like he has a good thing going and hopefully he doesn't ruin it by becoming selfish. Again, compromise and communication are key here. Give it some time, eventually he'll meet you half way.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2012): You are choosing to let him treat you this way by just letting it go and saying "I hurt his feelings, I can't talk to him any longer about it" What kind of relationship are you in? Think long and hard about this, because marriages don't work based on only one person's needs being met, and the other just readily accepting their BS. Talk to him, get this solved, see a counselor, whatever it takes, because make no mistake you ARE being abused, and a divorce is highly likely.
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reader, tnlady +, writes (1 May 2012):
tnlady is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers:
I am not sure what to do as I have to handle this with kid gloves, my husband is a bit narcissistic and anything that I complain about tends to cause him to feel that I am putting him down. He can be affectionate and loving. My husband has a high sex drive, and that means everyday he has to have sex, sometimes more than once, and many times that means he expects that I pleasure him with a BJ.
Sometimes he will try to give me pleasure as well, but for 90 percent of the time, our sex is about what he wants and needs.
I am not sure, maybe I have the issue and would like to know if that is the case. He told me that it is a shame for a man to have to ask his wife for a blowjob, when a wife should just automatically want to do it because she loves and wants him.
I feel like a failure because I am not built that way..I love him and desire him, but just dont want him in my mouth everyday...
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reader, person12345 +, writes (1 May 2012):
This is appalling behavior. If he won't talk about it, then you need to stop doing this. He does not get to emotionally bully you into pleasuring him. Next time he refuses to talk, you tell him that no talking about it, no oral sex. If he wants to situation to change, he knows where to find you.
On the biting thread, after he finishes you could always not swallow and give him a big open mouth kiss...
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reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (1 May 2012):
 Ok I read your update!!! I don't know what to say to you because this situation you are in is so disgusting and unreasonable!!
I think the next time he demands...I'd be tempted to BITE!!!
He's an asshole and he's abusing you...save yourself and get out.
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reader, AuntyEm +, writes (30 April 2012):
I agree with Aunty Bim Bim...print this off and show him. It's appauling that he is treating you like some kind of 'on demand' sex machine and with no love and affection as part of the deal.
It;s majorly disrespectful and then acting like a total brat when you try to talk to him about how you feel...Jeeze the guy needs a slap!!!
It's not for you to prove you love him (you obviously do very much) it's for him to explain why he is treating you so disrespectfully!!! because, seriously he is being an insensitive jerk.
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reader, tnlady +, writes (30 April 2012):
tnlady is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBasically when I perform the blow job, he gets satisfied, and that is it..he then is either ready to sleep or play a game or wants to go to the store...He does hug me after and he will even give me a quick peck on the lips, but not cuddling and no long kisses.
Maybe I just dont understand my man, because I need the emotional parts, its not so much that he isnt touching me or making me feel turned on, it is just the feeling that it is just a job that bothers me most.
I cant print off this letter, as I said, I tried to talk to him and now he is angry, and refuses to discuss the situation any longer. He feels that my not desiring to suck him on command, means that I do not desire him.
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (30 April 2012):
 You said sex has always been good before, implying he was more loving at the beginning. Can you ask him what made him stop doing hugging you and kissing you? You mean there is no cuddling and kissing after sex, like he just rolls off to bed, and he needs to be told that women desire these things? Seriously?
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reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (30 April 2012):
 Print your question off and give it to him to read.
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