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*razy??
writes:Hello Again,I have posted before and you guys gave me very valuable and insightful information.... but I am still wondering if I am doing the right thing. I have been married for 25 years, have 3 children + 2 foster boys that are all freshmen in college, and have a wonderful life. My problem is that my husband has just recently started meeting men and having sex with them. We are open with each other and this is just something that pulls at him strongly. We have a fantastic sex life, usually one or more times a day! He has this thing about being f**ked by an old (60 to 80 years) man, who is uncut, hairy, and heavy set, preferably with gray hair. He also only meets men that are married and very discreet. He only wants to have sex or give them oral. He wants to be the female of the relationship, he says he wants someone to do him like he does me. He is very particular about these things. He doesn't want them to kiss him or touch his penis. He doesn't know why or how but he just needs to do it ocassionally. We are best friends so he wants me to know everything and not have secrets....this is where I am torn. I know I could never be with someone else because of my feelings for my husband.... but he says he will never leave me, loves me more than life itself, and on and on but he just can't control this one urge. Am I setting myself up for heartbreak???? If he loves me so much, which I truly believe he does, why am I not enough??? This is where I get confused...we have the perfect life and marriage plus our sex life is great (I'm very open to any and all suggestions with him sexually) I guess I'm just wondering if this is going to lead eventually to him one day just up and saying he's in love with another man and wants to live that lifestyle....Our relationship is worth him being honest with me and I can deal with it but I have trouble not being jealous and I'm constantly scared he is going to fall for one of his friends, and then at times I just get super angry. We also work together from our home so we are together constantly and now everytime he goes somewhere I get suspicious....even though he tells me everything, am I crazy or what?He feels bad about this but I don't know if he could stop it or not, he says he can stop, I just think he'd probably try to hide it. He says he is embarrassed, disgusted, and it makes him sick but the urge is just too strong to ignore. And yes, we have done the strap-on thing, which he loves but it's not the same as actually being with a man. Basically I just wonder what people think of this situation.... I can live with it for him, I can handle all the crap that goes along with it, but is he being fair to me and do you think this will be all that happens or should I be worried that he will leave me for another man? Am I being naive, is he being selfish, can this work??
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2008): Another thought, when he said 'he'll spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to you' he's putting unattainable pressure on himself. This is not a problem he can fix alone. When a tragedy happens, mental or physical, Help is needed from a Professional.If a person breaks their leg, can they fix it themselves? No, they go to a doctor, trained in healing. Your husband has Alot of feelings to straignten out/process that only a professional can guide him through...or he'll go the rest of his life in this mental anguish. The good news is the Hope of professional counceling can help him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2008): There's been awesome advice given here. I will try to add my 2 cents and to the point. Your relationship has a solid bond and strong love (I envy that-in a good way). I think it's strong enough to sustain 'healing therapy'.
He is in need of professional help, more than you're qualified for. All he needs from you is your love and acceptance.
He sounds like an awesome man, devastated by a pervert from childhood.
He can be freed from this mental bondage. I would begin by calling a non-profit organization or good church to ask what they offer for sex counceling. (if you want, be anonymous at 1st)
Start with a commitment of 3 months and see what happens.
(I'll warn you, the 1st months are the hardest, he might suffer from night sweats, uncontrollable crying..everyone handles a secret exposed differently.) But the RELIEF & HOPE is worth it all.
If you're willing to help him through this, then he'll be the Man he's always wanted to be...
saying a prayer for you today.xx
p.s. you're a good wife to reach out for help here!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2008): Hi! I just read your follow-up. Try to have patience with him! Don't condone these "meetings" just to get him off your back! If he wants to spend the rest of his life making it up to you, tell him the only way to make it up to you would be to get help! Any kind of an addiction is a "family desease" it affects all of you. So, you need professional help as much as he does. Talk to him and tell him you both need help. I admire your staying power, but why not make it a good healthy relationship? Life is too short to live with unhappiness!
Go for a new healthy start with your husband. If he really wants to make it up to you...he will at least give it a shot! Good Luck!
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reader, oldfool  +, writes (18 November 2008):
 Of course it is possible to have a relationship as deep and trusting as you do but him still be able to go out and have his "meetings"! There are many things possible in human relationships. There are people who practise polyamory, polygamy, abstinence, open marriages, celibacy, etc., etc., etc. There are many, many things that people can accept. It is a matter of culture and values. What is accepted in one culture may not be accepted in another. What is OK by some people's values is not OK by others'.
But we are not talking theory here. We are talking about YOU and YOUR relationship. It is quite obviously NOT acceptable for you to have your husband going out on his little trysts. Whether we are talking cultural values or personal values, you are unable to accept it. That is all that needs to be said.
I can see your husband bending over backwards to reassure you. What I'm not sure here is whether or not he has made a commitment to stop this behaviour. From your post I get the impression that he has either not given that commitment, or that you in your generosity are contemplating suggesting that he can continue if he wants. If you're not happy with it, I would say straight out: Don't accept it.
I don't see here issues of "trust" or "respect". He has shown himself worthy of your trust. And if he shows himself willing to stop, I believe he is also showing you respect. (If not, then he is indeed being rather selfish, or perhaps this is so strong that he can't help himself).
What I see here is a very visceral reaction. You feel upset that he has brought something foul and dirty into what was a warm, clean, loving relationship. I am sure that his behaviour grosses you out and is very hard to accept. It is as though your adored pet cat suddenly brought a dead skunk into the living room. I can also see that you feel very insecure about your man having these strange desires and meetings in places which are beyond the warm circle of your relationship. These reactions are understandable. A lot of people would find it hard to accept these things.
But I don't think it comes down to "trust". He has shown himself totally worthy of your trust from go to woe. He trusts you so much that he has told you something he probably wouldn't dare tell another living soul (apart from his partners). I believe he also respects you, although that aspect is now being severely tested. If he respects you, he will act in accordance with your wishes and feelings about this. He won't go on causing you this terrible emotional distress.
Quite frankly, I don't think you should be turning to us for reassurance. There will be plenty of women who can tell you that this is disgusting and that you shouldn't accept it. Ultimately it's not whether Ginalolobrigida can accept it. It's not whether Icelordess can accept it. It's whether YOU can accept it or not. And from your posts it's very, very clear that you can't accept it. I think that is all you need to know. Morals may be relative, but if you can't accept this behaviour, that is the end of it. You don't need the Pope, or an Islam mullah, or the Dalai Lama, or anyone else to tell you whether this is right or not. YOU know that you can't accept it. You can't accept your husband going out having sex with old men, and that is what matters.
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reader, Crazy?? +, writes (17 November 2008):
Crazy?? is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello Everyone,I'm back again....my husband and I had a talk over the weekend and I told him how I felt....confused, frustrated, insecure, etc, etc... He was devasted that I felt this way...the last thing he wants to do is hurt me. He said "he will spend the rest of his life trying to make up for the distress he has caused me". Now he is smothering me and I think he thinks I feel like he is deranged or something. I don't want to make him feel any worse than he already does, this is a huge struggle for him. I think I'm more confused than ever....Do you all think it is possible to have a relationship as deep and trusting as we do but him still be able to go out and have his "meetings"???? Is there anyone out there who has this type of relationship or do you know someone who makes this type of relationship work??? Thank for everything...you are all the greatest and I truly value your input!!!
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reader, Crazy?? +, writes (15 November 2008):
Crazy?? is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello All,
Me again....I am going to talk with my husband about how I feel or maybe even show him the replys I have gotten from everyone. It is just so hard to put into words what I'm feeling...I have very mixed emotions. He has told me time and time again that if he didn't have me in his life to talk to about this he would have committed suicide because of these urges. He hates it but he likes it at the same time...I just don't know what to think about that. I know he will be crushed to find out that I'm so upset about the situation...I've always tried not to judge and be as supportive as I can. Another thing I wonder about is why these urges seem to just come and go...it's not a constant thing.
I also wanted to assure everyone that practicing safe sex is his top priority...double condoms plus he practically bathes in bleach and hydrogen peroxide for several days after one of his "meetings". He says he couldn't stand the shame and humiliation of talking with anyone other than me, he just doesn't think he could actually tell someone about it but we're working on that...
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reader, oldfool +, writes (14 November 2008):
Well, Crazy???, it looks as if I was barking up the wrong tree. If you can cure the disease at its root, you will no longer have to bear the distress of your husband's sick behaviour, and your husband will no longer be tortured by shame, disgust, and embarrassment. It sounds like win-win, better than simply accepting this as an inevitable "kink".
I hope that you can win through and break this sickness. From what you describe about your husband, it is certainly worth it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2008): I consider sexual abuse was at the core of this behavior from the very first time I read your questions. Your husband (and you) need professional help. He should have sought out help years ago. I have more sympathy for the situation now that the source of the behavior has been confirmed. Talk to your husband about seeing a therapist. Help him to see that there is help out there.
Good Luck and keep trying!
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reader, AskEve  +, writes (14 November 2008):
 I have been reading this thread with interest and was thinking that there is an underlying reason for your husband "needing" to do what he does. Then you left the bombshell! "My husband was sexually abused by an older guy as a child" THAT is where all of this is coming from. Psychologically your husband feels he "needs" to do this and until he talks to either yourself (if he finds a counsellor difficult or intimidating) or in fact a counsellor then that "need" will never ever go away. In talking to someone about this it will become apparent WHY he feels this need. How long did this abuse go on for? What was said by this older man? How did your husband really FEEL inside when this abuse happened? This kink is his crutch, it needs to be brought out HOW it makes him feel and WHY he feels he NEEDS to continue to do this. If you feel you can talk with him in more detail about it and get to the root of WHY he feels this need (I believe you are in this field) then great, I strongly recommend you do that. If you feel you cannot then if you (and him) want it to stop then he really does need to go for professional help.
This is a deep rooted psychological need that your husband has, brought on from his childhood. With the right help he really CAN be free of this, if that is what he (and you) would like. I would be happy to talk with you both (on this site privately) via email to help. I have over 20 years experience in this field and do this for a living!!! This "need" will never go away until he gets professional help either by yourself or another counsellor.
~Eve~
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reader, oldfool +, writes (14 November 2008):
"Is he being fair to me...Am I being naive, is he being selfish, can this work?"
My final comment is this: you'll find plenty of women to weigh in and tell you that this is sick, he is being disrespectful, etc. They will all agree with you that he is wrong and you shouldn't put up with this. That is fine, and will probably make you feel more secure in your judgement.
But don't forget: this is your marriage, not theirs; he is your husband, not theirs. Whether it can work or not is purely up to the two of you. (If anyone, it is your husband who was being naive when he took you into his confidence. He felt that "honesty" would make it acceptable. Well, it's not as simple as that, as you and he have found out.)
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reader, Crazy?? +, writes (14 November 2008):
Crazy?? is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello All,
It's me again...first I want to Thank You for all the insightful and thought provoking responses. Sometimes it is very helpful to look at things from others perspectives. I would also like to add a little more information. My husband was sexually abused by an older guy as a child and he had told me this before we married. I do believe this has something to do with his 'kinks'. As far as counseling that is tough because that is my background...it is hard to analysis and be rational when it is your own personal experience...but it also hard to go to someone else with these issues...trust is the big issue with me and I think I know everything they will suggest already or maybe I'm just scared to put myself in the hot seat.
I also don't want to paint my husband in a bad light and myself as some kind of saint...nobody's perfect. My husband is one-of-a-kind, he cooks, cleans, does laundry,has never missed one of our childrens activities, works hard to take care of his family, is the ideal father, is the perfect gentleman, opens doors for me, tells me he loves me 100 times a day, and makes me feel like the most beautiful woman on earth. I just wanted to point out some of his many good qualities. He has flaws, but he is a wonderful, good hearted, honest, and caring person.
Another thing I wanted to mention is that he makes very good money but he travels out of town or out of state 2-3 times per week on average. He could have easily done his thing without me ever having a clue but he genuinely does not want to lie or hide anything from me. He is also the picture of your macho straight guy...he looks like a pro football player or military man...no one would ever guess he has these 'kinks'.
My feeling is that since he is honest with me why would I stand in the way of him satisfing these 'urges' he has...I'm trying to understand and support him but my emotions are driving me crazy...I'm up, down, sideways, you name it, I'm there. I am definately going to talk with him about my feelings...I'll let everyone know how that goes.
P.S.
"Oldfool" you should be a therapist....you are great at it.... so comforting yet sensible and soothing. You have a gift!!!!
Again, Thank You All for your advice, suggestions, opinions, or just general thoughts...everything is helpful at this point.
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reader, oldfool +, writes (14 November 2008):
I've been thinking about your problem. I can see how hard it is for you.
Given the huge stress that this is causing you, I think you really should ask him to stop. If you could accept his behaviour, there would not be any problem. But you can't accept it, and since that is the case, he has to stop. It's not purely his choice because it involves the both of you.
I can see several possibilities if he does stop.
1. He gives up his fantasy; everything comes back to normal.
2. Freed of his shame and embarrassment, the shadow lifts and things actually get better.
3. He continues to have the fantasy and denying it affects your life in subtle ways. If he feels any unconscious resentment or frustration, it may emerge in other departments. Your wonderful sex life might even start to fall off or get a little stale...
4. He starts seeing these men on the sly.
I honestly can't say what I think the outcome will be. But my feeling is that whatever he does, things will never really get back to what they were before. Even if he never mentions it again, you will always have suspicions at the back of your mind.
I'm sure you wished that this had never happened, that the man you married didn't have these strange urges. But he does, and now that it has come out, the two of you are going to have to deal with it somehow. His giving it up is not going to be the end of the matter. You may have to turn to counselling further down the track. Whatever happens, I hope it works out for you. Good luck!
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reader, InterCntlCHmp  +, writes (13 November 2008):
I tend to agree with old fool. He has totally opened up to you and I don't think that he'd leave you.
He does have a 'kink'. I have read that some people believe that specific kinks in people can be their personal way of living out early child hood abuse. You see the goal of living out the similar scenario when you are older is that the act is consensual and you have control. It's not that we're not sexual as children it's that there is no consent. Re living the traumatic experience could possibly be a healing form of therapy for your husband. Possibly.
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reader, oldfool +, writes (13 November 2008):
Oh, and "Why am I not enough for him?" I think that was answered by someone else at your earlier post.
I think the two urges are almost separate desires. He has this one specific drive that you can't fulfil (even though he loves the strap-on, which I'm glad to hear!), because it's a very specific thing. This drive is in a different part of his brain, as it were, and doesn't detract one iota from his incredibly healthy desire for sex with you.
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reader, oldfool +, writes (13 November 2008):
OK, I answered your previous post. Now I'll try and answer this one.
When you first mentioned this to us, I certainly had doubts about the wisdom of putting yourself under so much emotional strain. You described the physical symptoms of your distress very well, and I could see that your strong relationship with, trust for, and love for your husband was the only thing that allowed you to accept this.
But I have very few doubts about this question. I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT YOUR HUSBAND IS GOING TO RUN OFF WITH ANOTHER MAN. My reasons for saying this are:
1) He's drawn very strict boundaries around what he'll do and won't do with these men. As you said, he is very particular about these things. He only meets men that are married and very discreet. He only wants to have sex or give them oral. He doesn't want them to kiss him or touch his penis. In other words, this is only a "kink" in his sexuality. He's giving himself to his FANTASY, not to these men. He's not going in with "all guns blazing", writhing, kissing, fondling, loving, etc. Everything is kept strictly within the bounds of the fantasy.
2) He is still having sex with you -- and not merely having sex with you, he is RIGHT INTO sex with you, several times a day! As you say, the sex is fantastic. From what you say, it sounds like no-holds-barred, full-blooded sex where you are totally into each other. There are no rules ("you can't touch my penis", "you can't do that"); it's completely free, open, unbounded sex. Would I be right? This little kink of his is an "extra". And the fact that he talks to you about it means that he sees it as an extension of YOUR sex life (by which I mean, the sex life that the two of you have together).
3) From what I can tell, he is being totally upfront and honest with you. By telling you all about his kink he is shining a bright light right into it this most hidden recess of his heart. He's taken you totally into his confidence. There are no hidden creases or dark secrets.
I feel pretty confident in saying that this man is not going to leave you for another man. YOU are the mainstay of his sex life, not to mention his emotional life. He's fulfilling his little fantasy on the side and he's telling you about it every inch of the way.
I think you need to talk to him about your feelings. He is being honest with you in telling you about this extramural activity. You owe it to him to be honest about your own feelings. I'm sure he would be distressed to know that you have these fears, and I'm pretty sure he'd be quick to allay them in every way possible.
As I said, whatever reservations I might have about your putting yourself through the pain of allowing your man to pursue his fantasies, I have no reservations about assuring you that he's not going to toss you over for some grey-haired, thickset, uncut, hairy old geyser. He only wants that on the side; it's not the main course -- YOU ARE!
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reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (13 November 2008):
 I say get marital conseling.
How long were u with him before this started happening?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2008): Has the thought of AIDS crossed your mind? You're both playing with fire and need to see a professional...this goes beyond cheating! If you don't want to leave him (since he's your best friend) then stop having sex with him! How would the children feel if they knew?
Sex is a very strong addiction and sex addicts need to seek professional help. If he won't, then you go see someone. This lifestyle is causing you great pain. I can read it in your words. Get some help, before something tragic happens!
Good Luck and God Bless
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2008): Unfortunately nobody can choose their sexuality. If you both want it to stop, maybe he should see a counsellor or psychologist who can get to the root of the urge and maybe offer a solution than satisfies you both.
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