A
female
age
,
*asperS
writes:I found out last night that my husband is on Zoosk looking for men. This has been going on since at least 7/2012 - but his paid subscription ran out around the end of 1/2014. However he looks at this every 1-4 days. He ha his relationship status as "Windower", but we have been married since 12/2012. (He was widowed 9/2009). He moved in with me around 11/2012 (shortly before our marriage). I have no idea if he has ever met any of these men, but even if this may have started out as a prank, this is not right for a married man to do. I don't know how to deal with this. I would like to catch him in the act. He has hid it from me for all this time, but I was not suspicious of any of his activities until the last week or so. I can't tell him I found out about this by looking at his internet history because then he will start deleting it. I'm not sure I'm ready to confront him now anyway, but I will need to eventually to improve our relationship. Any suggestions/thoughts/comments?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2014): You sound like you are in a bit of denial. I don't think this "started out as a prank." He is actively looking for sexual relationships with men, I think you need to really accept this huge chuck of truth. I am sorry you are dealing with this, I know it is a betrayal.There is also the reality that he may have other partners already, either male or female. I would think about the health risks that go along with that. Listen, if you need more proof, do what you need to get that evidence (although, this is very damning already.) I know sometimes it is FAR easier for an outsider to see things clearly than someone who is emotionally invested. Been there! So if you need to snoop, entrap, whatever it is...at this point if you confronted him you sound like you would probably believe whatever story he feed you. I understand, we sometimes don't want to believe what is right in front of us when our heart is invested. Very least, take care of your health. At the end of the day, relationships end, but certain diseases do not.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2014): I will approach this cautiously and responsibly. I am only offering an opinion; and not knowing your husband, I cannot offer you indisputable advice. As a gay man, I think your husband is hiding in the closet. He may be bisexual; but you don't mention anything about your sex-life. Do you have a healthy and active sex-life?
This is no prank. If it were, why would he hide it? Who is the joke suppose to be on?
Why would he be married, and still have an open subscription that he frequently checks; unless he is still actively seeking men? Look how long his account has been active and how frequently he checks it. Don't be naive.
You must confront him at once. Sticking your head in the sand in denial is cowardly. This man has moved into your home, married you, and now shares half of what you have.
He is living a secret-life within the home and life you share. That is deceptive. You must face this courageously and then deal with the facts, whatever they may be. Even if it means divorce. Do not deceive yourself!!!
You also have to protect your health. Do not have unprotected-sex with this man. If he is hiding the things he does with random men; he raises the risk of infecting you with an STD. So get yourself tested and don't be afraid to tell him that you are going to do so.
It's time for some truth. You had better get up the nerve to seek it, and face it. Marriage is no joke. It is the most serious commitment people will ever make in their lives. Lies and deception are totally unacceptable.
You placed your heart and your trust in this man. He is lying that he is a widow, while he is a married-man. The hell you say?!! I'm gay and would not put up with my mate lying about his marital-status. Especially if we are married! Especially if we have made vows to forsake all others.
You can be calm, and direct in your approach. You do not have to be hysterical or accusatory.
You are seeking facts and details (at least what you can handle). Your decisions will be made based on whether he has treated you well up to this point. He closes his Zoosk account, and he admits if he is gay and/or bisexual. In this area, he has been totally dishonest and misleading.
Assume he is bisexual regardless of what he admits. Do what is best for you under these conditions. If you feel in your heart you have an otherwise healthy and viable marriage, then seek counseling to help you to deal with handling any anxiety or insecurities this brings on you as a wife and a woman.
I did not say all this to scare you. I did say this to get you to face this with courage and maturity. It's important, because it is your marriage. You need to know if your marriage is a sham, or for real. That should be based on facts, not speculation or hysterics.
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