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Husband on website talking about strap on sex, blood in his underwear! Am I just deluding myself into thinking he is not cheating?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems, Online dating, Pregnancy<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 July 2015) 5 Answers - (Newest, 1 August 2015)
A female Canada age 26-29, *hawna87 writes:

So a while ago i found out my husband was using the adult friend finder website. He addamantly denies meeting anyone he was just talking online... i am pregnant with our second child at the moment and since my mothers passing 2 years ago i have no family to turn to .... so after getting the password to that and his secret email i decided it was the best thing for my family to stay with him. Things have been rocky of course but he did seem to be making an effort. Now i looked through his account and was surprised to see he had male friends on the site as well as girls and couples. One message had even mentioned a fantasy of using a strap on. This confused me but he assured me it was just experimental fantasy. Now just this morning i went to throw a load of laundry in and found blood all over the back (on the inside along the seam) in his underwear. He said he probably scratched at an ass zit but that seems like alot of blood for a zit. Im due in less than a month am i just being naive because his cheating would leave me completly alone with 2 kids under 2. Or could there be another explanation

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A female reader, Confused and lonely United States +, writes (1 August 2015):

Your gut feeling is usually correct. Thats been my experience. Good luck.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (29 July 2015):

You truly have a dilemma in your marriage; when he denies every piece of evidence that you find that says he's up to something. If there is no truth or trust, there is no marriage. I don't suggest you deal with this just yet.

You really don't need the stress of dealing with lying and confusion during your pregnancy. I might recommend that you simply tell him exactly what you have seen, and how you feel about it. Get it off your chest, don't internalize.

Tell him no matter what explanation he provides; lying has already severely damaged your marriage, and leave him hanging on that point. I do suggest that you discuss any stress you're feeling with your obstetrician. Make sure the stress isn't jeopardizing your health, or that of your baby.

If you weren't pregnant, you could take a more direct approach. He is denying everything, and that only makes things worse. You simply can't live in secrecy in a marriage; and you cannot sexually experiment with people who may introduce sexually-transmitted disease or infections into your marriage. That is the danger of a spouse living a secret sex-life that he is too ashamed to share or reveal. He knows what he is into may be far too much for you to deal with. The point I'm making here, is that you don't have to. He apparently has made choices he feels brings him satisfaction. That means you must do the same.

Do what is best for you and your baby. Don't convince yourself that burying yourself in denial is going to help.

It will devour you from the inside out, and you'll be an emotional wreck. Just put it out on the table, but leave it there to be reckoned with in due time.

I think this is all too much to handle; until your mind and body are really ready for the depth and intensity of the situation. I gather this by the fact you had to write us to figure out what you should do. For now, simply insist that you believe nothing he says. Until he tells the truth; your marriage is in serious trouble. He places your health, his health, and possibly your child at risk. It's what you don't know that can hurt you.

If you need counseling for yourself, I would seriously suggest that you seek it. He isn't going to tell you what's going on due to shame, and fear you will take steps to end the marriage. He just may not be cut-out to be a family man. There is nothing he can hide that can't and won't be discovered. You live together!!!

Take care of yourself and see your pregnancy through. That is your priority.

Be as tolerant as you can under the circumstances. Seek both legal and medical advice. He deserves an ultimatum. He has to choose his marriage and family over his primal urges.

If you're not into it, he has no right to do these things behind your back. That is not what marriage is, or what it is about. Freakie-sex is either shared with your partner, or you go without it. Otherwise, you shouldn't bring unwilling parties into a life-style they neither condone, nor would want to share. You stay single to live an anything-goes life-style. Perhaps that will be his final outcome, and your only choice.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (28 July 2015):

janniepeg agony auntYou should have asked, "let me see that ass zit." If he used a dildo, he should have told you about it so it doesn't seem like he had been cheating. But really, if he used dildos on himself and ripped his anus, the first thing he would do is go to the shower, not put his underwear on. No one sits on a dildo with underwear on, right? If he had hemorrhoids or other rectal problems, he should tell you too. Some men hide these problems and not go to the hospital because they feel ashamed. If he used the supposedly blood stained dildo, he would have washed it along with his underwear too. He's indiscreet to leave his unclean underwear in the hamper. If he cheated then hand washing it first could have removed the evidence. The next thing you should look for is receipts, condoms, and other toys around your house.

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A male reader, Garbo United States + , writes (28 July 2015):

Garbo agony auntCheck around the house for dildos. He may have ripped his anus experimenting anal on himself, probably after being turned on via Internet sex with strap on fantasy. That could be a dangerous health condition that he could develop.

Either way, if he spends so much time "experimenting" sexually with other people and things then he may have an "emotional affair" - a condition of infatuation with other people so that he has abandoned you. This, in my book, is cheating.

Look into if he has homosexual tendencies. Also, some straight men have strap on fetishes or "shemale" fetishes. If so, his sexual fantasies have taken him far out. This does not mean he wants to abandon you but may mean either a phase or some sort of deviance. What's troubling is that what he does is not porn but actual interaction with other people.

If he is healthy mentally, I guess the only cure is for him to decide to snap out of it by finding value in you and your marriage.

All of this is of course speculation because we don't know his details but at least you may have a possible starting point from which to examine this situation.

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A female reader, Euphoria30 Germany +, writes (28 July 2015):

Dear OP,

I understand your suspicion, especially since his reason (zit) sounds like an excuse.

Medically speaking, I believe it could also be bleeding hemorrhoids.

Him cheating wouldn't automatically leave you alone with two kids, I suppose. My parents cheated on each other several times, but always stayed together in the end. Please don't take it as an advice to just endure someone elses lies. Just, if you need stability at the moment and you're not ready to break up, you can still take your time.

Maybe it would help if you just ask for the truth and assure him that you won't immediately leave, whatever it is. That you are willing to hear him out at least. I mean, maybe he is too scared to admit things because he doesn't want to lose his children.

You don't have to forgive him, but just to promise to make decisions in a calm way, and not in the heat of the moment.

Well.. I am not sure that was helpful, it's just a few thougths. Either way I wish you the best for the birth of the baby.

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