A
female
age
36-40,
*arymomnwife
writes:ok. let me start by saying im 27 and my husband is 49. he works as mngmnt in meat dept and i am stay at home mom of 3 kids all under 4. my husband and i havnt made love in 9 months. he either sleeps or works outside for hours after he gets home and huffs or complains when i ask for help with household chores or any upkeep with the kids. whenever i try 2 talk 2 him bout it he talks me in so many circles that i just give up and do stuff myself just 2 get it done. am i asking for too much in needing help or does it sound like he IS acting like a child. what can i say to him to get some help Reply to this Question
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female
reader, KittenPaws  +, writes (21 October 2010):
If you have no rent to pay at all, then perhaps his full time wage would stretch to pay a cleaner for just one or two hours a week?I could make your life just that extra jump easier- and the extra time you get could give you a little extra time to spend together with your kids and husband, and enable you to get just a little extra rest to put you in a healthier, happier frame of mind to bring up your children. It could also ease the pressures of nagging your husband to help where he's not.It might seem a very practical solution to an emotional concern. But sometimes making life that bit easier for everyone involved can be just the injection you need to turn things around.Even if you couldn't afford to keep it up long term, it might help your relationship through a difficult time.
A
male
reader, Theoir  +, writes (20 October 2010):
Given this new information I retract my previous accusations.
A proper course of action would, indeed, be to confront him with a few options, amongst which is your leaving him if he is unwilling to reconsider his responsibilities. (There is mandatory childcare pay in the US, right?)
It's your father's house. In case of a split-up, your husband would have to move out, if I understand that correctly.
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A
female
reader, marymomnwife +, writes (20 October 2010):
marymomnwife is verified as being by the original poster of the questionfirst of all thank u all for responding. he doesnt have to provide the roof over OUR familys head cuz the property we live on and house we live n is n my dads name. no rent just utilities.my dad only wants to c his grandbabies for letting us live here /no money payment expected/. i didnt decide 2 become a stay at home mom it was expected of me by my husband. i also offered 2 get a job 2 offset some financial responsibility and he laughed and said i cant handle these kids on my own. i know he is tired when he gets home and sometimes just feels like plopping down in front of the tv for hours but that isnt going 2 make him feel any better. u need to use energy to lose weight and feel like u can b apart of the family. o and i WISH we could hire someone to clean this house. he just doesnt make that kind of money
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A
male
reader, Theoir +, writes (20 October 2010):
To the other agony aunts:
What doesn't quite fit into my head is how you people can seriously think that he has sufficient time and energy left for household chores after making the money to sustain his family financially. Of course, the children need their father, but most of all, they need food and a warm shelter which cannot be kept up by love alone.
If you choose the traditional path of being a stay at home mother of 3+ children, then stick with it. Be the mother and raise the children, while the father does his part - which consists of keeping his family financially and socially stable.
Get a housemaid, if you can afford it. That way, you can focus entirely on your children. The housemaid is doing the rest.
When that man gets home from work, he is probably exhausted.
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A
female
reader, misLadYd..  +, writes (20 October 2010):
 all under 4,damn you realy do need his help and they do need their daddy.make dinner and sit him down and talk about his part in the house,it cant only be work all the time.he can help around.as for making love maybe he lost interest or scared you might fall pregnant again.but you got to tell him about your needs too.g.luck
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A
female
reader, curtiskd +, writes (20 October 2010):
for one no your not asking for to much. it sounds like you love him cause your putting up with it but i must say it sound like you need to do something to let him know that you need help and that your serious i dont know about you but my kids dad wouldnt help me and im a stay at home mom and what i did is i waited for him to come home one day and i told him that if he was not willing to help me with the children then i was leaving i let him know i did not make these kids on my own and i am not raising them on my own and now he comes home from work and he helps it aint much but he actually pays attention to me and the kids and as for sex it just might be a faise ive heard that men go through that but good luck on your situation
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A
male
reader, Theoir +, writes (20 October 2010):
I have the impression that he is working hard to sustain you and your three children. Expecting more of him might be unwise.
Depending on your financial stability, you could get a house maid or a char lady for the household chores. That way you can focus on your children.
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A
male
reader, Ven +, writes (20 October 2010):
When you say he works outside for hours and hours, what exactly is he doing?
I recommend the two of you sit down and have a serious talk about responsibilities. Not an argument as he walks in the door or is heading to bed, but a planned conversation. If you need support and he isn't willing, you should try couples counseling.
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