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Husband has breath holding fetish!!

Tagged as: Health, Marriage problems, Pornography, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 December 2008) 35 Answers - (Newest, 27 March 2013)
A female United States age 41-50, *unabella writes:

My husband has a breath holding fetish. He enjoys seeing women hold their breath for as long as they can stand it. He loves to see their cheeks puffed out and get red and to see their bellys contract as they push their limits. He visits fetish sites and looks at photos and movies online while I am out of the house. He says he does it when I am not around because of two things: One, because he says it bothers me and secondly, because he says that he doesn't want to waste our time together.

Many of the women are nude and masturbating while they are holding their breath. Others are just regular girls that you will find on YouTube. He does not like strangling or suffocation. He also claims to have no attraction to drowning and derives no pleasure from seeing someone doing something against their will. I have held my breath out of water, in the pool and tub for him and even made movies for him. I am careful not to go for too long, because I read that it can cause damage or black outs. I am fit, attractive, smart, creative, funny, I love sex, am bisexual and love belly dancing. You would think I was every guy's dream! LOL We've talked about it and he tells me that I don't understand and for me to stop trying to control him. We've even tried marriage counseling!

I didn't know he had this problem/enjoyment when I married him 15 years ago! He kept it secret for 15 years and did his exploration behind my back during that time and when we were dating. Currently, his recreation only consists of movies and photos. Prior to that I found out that he was paying for custom made DVD's, erotic phone conversations, emailing other women and instant messaging and having breath holding cyber sex as well as being a contributer to breath holding forums. One of the women that used to turn him on by email and phone was an ex-girlfriend of his who lived back east! She is a psychologist to boot!

I feel that our sex life could be improved since we only make love once a week on Saturday morning when he is rested. It appears that he has to use his fetish as a visual Viagra and I am feeling like I love him more than he loves me. He says that I resent his independence, but it hurts when we make love and then shortly after that he is searching the net for more stimulation. (I check the computer.) Instead of basking in the glow of love making and intimacy like I do, he is self stimulating (whether he touches himself or not) and simple entertainment of his breath holding porn.

Guys are going to look at porn no matter what, but I think it robs the relationship of intimacy and the guy eventually suffers from "porn creep" where he can't perform unless porn or his fetish is involved either in his mind or visually.

It makes me bitter and I start to think that guys would watch porn if their wife was in the hospital dying of cancer or if their wife was kidnapped and held for ransom. I start to think that a guy is just going to use porn as a way to relax even when a crisis is brewing as opposed to a woman who would be so emotionally distraught over a crisis that stimulating her genitals would be the last thing on her mind.

Yes, crazy talk I know. I'm starting to lose it as you can see. LOL

My husband is a fairly good guy in spite of the porn and helps around the house and also likes to cook. He's very intelligent and passionate about his work. We have no children and I was hoping that the absence of children would provide more time for us, but he seems to bury himself in work much of the time.

Should I let this fetish thing bother me or not? Guys? Am I ridiculous and over reacting? Any suggestions on what I should do? Ladies is this normal?

Thanks in advance!

View related questions: ex girlfriend, his ex, porn, sex life, the internet, viagra

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A male reader, vellamo United States +, writes (27 March 2013):

hey I just wondered how your relation has been lately ? I also have a breath holding fetish.

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A female reader, Lunabella United States +, writes (17 September 2010):

Lunabella is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Lunabella agony auntsdoc - there are better sites like the goddessrealm. Lot's of young beautiful breath holding videos there.

You are not alone. There are others out there who share the same fetish.

I did films in tub and one in the pool. Very amateurish and I am no longer 18 years old. Yes, all the usual puffy cheeks and all that . . . but you can get custom made films online.

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A female reader, Lunabella United States +, writes (17 September 2010):

Lunabella is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Lunabella agony auntThank you Miamine.

Don't get me wrong, my husband is not dumb by any means. He is just a normal male. Most males are like him. My mistake was thinking that he wasn't like most males. He lead me to believe that he wasn't interested in outside sources of stimulation and gave me the impression that I was the only woman he was attracted to.

I got the short end of the stick. I gave him all my love and attention when he didn't even deserve it. He deserves the same respect that he gives me and no more. It was foolish of me to make him the all encompassing love of my life. I couldn't even cheat on him in my dreams because I loved him so deeply and madly. Harsh reality gave me a cold lesson to learn. He doesn't feel the same way I do and in this day and age my devotion is considered " A woman who loves too much."

The reason to make a woman believe that she is the only one a man desires is to CONTROL her behavior. If she thinks that you love her and lust only after her she will behave in a way that will please the man. If she feels that she is not the center of the universe in her man's eyes she may react in a negative way. A man doesn't like that so he will lie to her and claim that he is protecting her feelings. In reality, he is controlling her feelings. This is what is going on in my life.

Solution? Both parties should be up front about lust, relationships and what they expect their marriage to be. In the beginning it should be established what each person wants out of the relationship.

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (12 September 2010):

Miamine agony auntBig hugs babes, glad your still around and sorry your man is still as dumb and dumb comes.. I've seen the amount of guys who appreciate you on this post. Wish you would trade him for another kind hearted guy who likes the breathing thing but aren't so obsessive and unwilling to make necessary compromises..

Blessings, I think about you often... :)

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A male reader, sdoc United States +, writes (12 September 2010):

Dear Lunabella:

Thank you for writing me back, I wish i had found a women like willing to do such wonderfull things. Whwn filmed you

where were you in a pool ot bath tub. Did you do like says he like's to watch puffy cheeks, red face stomach & chest heaving. Are things better for you. Does he still watch on line. Please write me back. Thank you

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A female reader, Lunabella United States +, writes (7 September 2010):

Lunabella is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Lunabella agony auntTo sdoc -

My husband does appreciate me, but I feel that I am like his favorite treat in the box of chocolates. Most women have a desire to be exclusive in a relationship and be "the one and only" while most guys think that being attracted to only their wife is ridiculous and totally unreasonable.

He filmed me underwater holding my breath for as long as I could on several takes. I was holding weights to keep me under, but It took over a year for him to finally view what he had on the camera. It stayed in a drawer without use because the battery died.

He finally started looking at it when I was a way one afternoon. When I asked how was it, his response was that it was poor quality and the camera man (him) wasn't very good, though he claimed it still turned him on. Well, he hasn't viewed the whole thing yet nor has has he re-visted it, so it can't be all that interesting to him. He'd rather watch someone else on film because he has me in person - ironic, isn't it?

It is like a man who feels it is okay to cheat on his wife/girlfriend because he is in love with her! His logic is that he still loves his wife very much and won't leave her no matter what, so therefore lusting after other women is okay because it poses no threat to his partner. Porn and the like is okay and the woman should not take it personally, because the man insists that it is NOT personal. I guess they see it as more recreational like sports or TV. LOL

This is all fine and well, if the marriage is based on this kind of agreement in logic and both partners are up front about what they expect and want out of the relationship.

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A male reader, sdoc United States +, writes (15 August 2010):

I think your husband is very lucky to have someone like you who will do this for him. I would treat you like a queen. I am also a male who enjoys watching a female hold her breath as long as she can and watching her force her self to go longer. You said you did videos did he like them

what were you doing in them.Keep up the great work hope this helps.

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A female reader, Lunabella United States +, writes (2 March 2010):

Lunabella is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Lunabella agony auntThanks for you input, Underwater. Everyone's perspective is helpful. At least it shows me that everyone isn't the same. Each of you have different beliefs and behaviors though they may share a love of breath holding. Good to know.

Porn and underwater porn will always be a part of his life. There isn't anything I can do about it. The only refuge that I get is taking care of myself. He wins. He gets the best of both worlds.

What is the kicker is coming to grips with reality that our marriage is not a two way street emotionally and physically and it never, ever was. He says it is the difference between men and women and I should stop trying to control him.

It feels really empty at the realization that my love is so strong that I don't really desire anyone else. Sure, I to can admire other people, but I don't seek out porn for my own pleasure or entertainment when I am bored like he does. The problem is that I am a woman who loves too much. It breaks my heart that I have to force myself to care less and distance myself and yet, still show affection, gratitude and respect.

A trade is a good suggestion, but he feels that there is no bargaining. I am just out to control him, he claims. He becomes bitter and resentful at the thought of having to conform to some ideal. Women just want their own way, he says. No, that's wrong. Women just want to be given the same kind of love they give out.

If I were to insist that he stop looking, it wouldn't stop his desire or his pleasure. I have to live with that. He is that kind of a person. There is nothing that will make him change, nor should I want to change him. Like many men, they love their wives, but they also love the female body and if they have fetishes then it brings it to another level. The two are separate in many men's minds. So separate, that my own husband couldn't care less if I looked at porn. However, I wonder if it would be true if I seeked it in the manner in which he does. I'm not so sure about that.

The only thing I can do is to be as wonderful as I can and watch out for myself and well being. I need to be my best friend and love myself even in moments of pain.

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A male reader, underwater United Kingdom +, writes (14 February 2010):

i think you are correct to have some concerns as to your husband watching or looking at other women breathholding, especially as you have tried to please him by holding your breath for him,

personnally i also like to see women holding there breath but wouldnt go to looking at a woman who i wasnt in a relationship with holding her breath to get aroused if i was in a relationship with if that makes sense, i am currentley single in case you wondered.

i think that you both should sit down and chat together to reach a agreement as to what you will be do ie you will hold your breath for him if he doesnt look at porn and also he gives you a trade on things you enjoy i hope that this helps you and you both enjoy the results

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A male reader, redadventure United States +, writes (15 January 2010):

Hello again, I just wrote you previously (1/12/10). In my experience a person will accuse another of something, but at the same time they are guilty of it if not more so. In this case, it needs to be all about you, because it tends to be about other women instead. Now with that said, if he is looking at material, but his arousal is for you, and he gets ideas that he will carry out with you, then that may be different. But from what I've been reading on here, it sounds like this is usually not the case. If you are willing to do this stuff for him, but he barely takes notice, then what is that about? If it is out of boredom, then fine, but after filling his mind with this stuff all day, he should be eager to have a real live living person who is his wife, and she's willing, so it would only make sense for him to engage in you with a stronger desire.

I am convinced that if a partner is looking at stuff on the internet that has any sexual content in it, if it does not make him desire you more, then it is wrong. If I find myself drifting away from my wife, whether she sees it or not, I need to correct it as soon as possible. Otherwise, even if I never would cheat on her, it can still cause me to have a bad attitude toward her, and this too is wrong.

The best thing for you to do is show love and acceptance for him and his desire for the breath holding thing, which to point you have. But understand this does not make you a doormat. This is obviously an issue, so you both will have to work this out together.

Since you are his wife, I think for the part he needs to be turning to you for his sexual desires to be fulfilled. I still think the ground rules need to be in place. For starters, if he could at least cut back, or start carrying out some of his desires with you, which could help you both, develop a closer intimate relationship.

You are willing to sacrifice to him by giving up the very air you breathe for as long as you can possibly stand it, and for nothing more than for his enjoyment no less? This shows you love him, and you trust him with you! Besides have sex, what more could you give a guy? My goodness, if my wife did that for me, I would be all over her (even more than I already am)!

He just needs to realize what he has in front of him, and start enjoying it (you). I say all this unknowing of any other issues that may be present. One other thing, it is always a good idea while you are dealing an issue with him to also take a personal inventory of you as well. Is their anything that you should change in what you say, or how you say it, how you act about what bothers you, etc.

Hopefully your husband will turn to you in a more intimate way; not just while having sex, but with all of his desires. If not, then I'm afraid the two of you will drift apart over the years ahead, and more problems will occur. This may cause you to be more hurt, resentful, bitter, and so on.

If you see this beginning to unfold already, then depending on where you live here in the states, I would consider going to "Weekend to Remember." It is a marriage weekend conference that is offered in almost every state, and it thoroughly explains the roles of a husband and a wife. I plan on going later this year with my wife. For more information, visit:

http://www.familylife.com/site/c.dnJHKLNnFoG/b.3931873/k.719C/What_couples_are_saying.htm

You do not have to be a part of any faith or religion to attend these conferences.

I hope that you are able to work better together and find resolution and satisfaction in each other. I also hope that this has helped. Thank you for your follow up with my rather long first answer.

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A female reader, Lunabella United States +, writes (15 January 2010):

Lunabella is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Lunabella agony auntThank you for your thorough response anonymous Jan 13 2010. Your suggestion to make ground rules are a good sidea, though his response has always been "Why is it all about YOU?" I wonder though. Who is it all about when he is having other women arouse him?

I think you hit the nail on the head there. It is not what I bargained for when I took my vows. I was under the impression that he only had eyes for me because that is who he portrayed himself to be. Hence, I gave back my whole heart in return to discover that he was just demonstrating "good behavior" to manipulate me. It is not the breath holding that upsets me per se, but the deceit and the efforts to convince me that he is not interested in online breath holding. He often goes to this GoddessFetish website and tells me that he only looks out of boredom and for me to not take it personally. He says that he doesn't do it while I am around out of respect for me, but I see his actions as disrespectful when it is behind my back.

You are very kind to be so into your wife. She is very lucky.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2010):

Hello, I am a 36 year old male in the U.S. All of the posts are very interesting indeed. I also enjoy seeing a woman holding her breath for long periods, as well as I like this kind of thing done to me. I enjoy "submissively" being forced (or helped) to hold my breath for as long as possible. Lately, I have found watching a couple of videos very arousing as the one held her breath until she passed out, and the other asked her helper to hold his hand on her mouth to help her pass out or beet her old record. With that said, then I at least like the woman to be in a swimsuit. I do not like nudity, and it's hard to find good quality pics or videos without the grotest nudity. Because of my up bringing, I feel strongly against it.

I too am married, and my wife has only done this with me a couple of times in our 5 years of marriage. Once she took me to a 5:25 breath hold. I was astounded that I made it that long. We accomplished this because I was restrained and had a scuba mask on with duct tape. She would put her hand on my mouth to ensure of no air leakage at times. Every 15 seconds she would ask for a response and I shook my head that I was okay. When I said no, then 15 seconds later she would let me breathe. I forced myself to say yes up until 5:15 seconds. I knew that if I said yes, she would take it from there for another 15. The last few yes’s I really wanted to say no, because the struggle was on, but I was determined to take advantage of this one time that she was there to help me break all former records. This experience left me is such a head rush, it was incredible. I found it arousing whether I watch/help her hold her breath, or if she sits over me and helps me. I would prefer to do it with her rather than seek anything on the internet, but she doesn't like holding her breath, or being helped to do it, or doing it to me. This may sound strange, but after this one time that she helped me do that long breath hold, she has never helped me since. But one thing she will do sometimes is during love making, she will pinch my nose and we will share air back and forth. When she needs fresh air, she’s allowed to take it, but I am not, which then I get the leftover oxygen after her lungs have taken first choice out of it. This can actually do quite well at stimulating sometimes. She’s actually been amazed by how stimulated I’ve become by her doing this, but she doesn’t find that much stimulation from doing. Even though, she has admitted it has caused a more explosive sexual encounter for her because I am more into it.

So if I were your husband, I'd be all into your willingness to participate. I think that's wonderful you will do this for his pleasure. I also think he should be thinking about what pleases you. Why he would rather fantasize rather than enjoy someone like you is beyond me. I would love it if my wife would do it with me occasionally.

I came across this question because I was looking for answers myself whether or not this sort of desire is wrong, and when do you know it has become a fetish? First, is it wrong to engage in safe arousals of this nature with your spouse? Second, since my wife doesn't like doing it, I sometimes find myself wanting to look online to fill that desire. Though it is not porn, I wish it was still with my wife. I don't like having this activity aside from her.

Like others who have contributed, I've often wondered why this is such a turn on. With me it also started when I was young, about the 6th grade when a class mate was holding his breath to see how long he could do it. I got curious, so I went home and started doing it. When puberty hit, I started to think about having a female assistant and even having her hold hers.

Then when I was 17 I had a female friend smoke in front of me. I liked her, so if I was ever going to just try it, it was with her. Being fascinated with breathing and oxygen deprivation, I started taking hits on the cigarette and breath holding on it. I became extremely light headed. After that, I did pick up smoking off and on, but I am currently free from it :)

This makes me wonder as well what usually causes this sort of thing. Over the years, I have gotten away from it for a little while, and then would have struggles with wanting to do it again. Since no willing female partner could be found (even my wife today), I would usually find myself fantasizing that I was the female that was being made to hold my breath.

Since I was raised in church, and I take my faith very seriously, it causes me to question these desires. That's why I wonder if doing this with my wife in a safe manner would be considered wrong if we are both consenting (that is, if I can convince her to do it with me again). That is why I would like to have her satisfy me so my eyes can stay on her. Being a husband who enjoys the same thing as the wife that posted this question, but wanting to participate with my wife, does anyone see this to be morally wrong? After all, the Bible doesn't say, though shalt not hold thy breath. It says not to harm your body (or your mates), so if you are careful, do you think this is wrong to do? If this is okay, how should I talk to my wife about it to get her to participate more? I don't feel right looking at other women doing it.

I would like to also comment on some of the things I read here. One woman said that you (the original poster) should respect that men and women are different, and get more girl friends to hang out with so you are not so needy. I must be a different kind of guy, because I can't seem to spend enough time with my wife. The more the better.

It also sounds like you have become bitter about your husbands desires, as you should. If you are willing to do this for his pleasure, then he should turn to you for the fulfillment for those desires. I don't know if you've done this, but I would lay down some ground rules. I would be understanding, but with it understood that over time you expect to see some things change. Maybe at first clean up the content that he is watching. Lean away from porn more and more, and watch women with clothes on hold there breaths. Also set forth that you are perfectly fine with this fantasy of his, but he married you, and you are here for his pleasure (as well as vice versa). You are willing to hold your breath for him, and you won't accept any other woman causing him to be sexually aroused.

If you've already tried this, then at this point it's more about how much are you willing to put up with? Marriage is not one sided. If something isn't right, you have the right voice that, and to expect some things to change. As said before, this man needs to count his blessings that he has someone like you who is willing to do this for him. Anything less is being disrespectful of you, and to his marriage vow to you.

I would also suggest that you lean on Spiritual guidance (I'm not talking about a psychic or fortune teller here), true Spiritual guidance. This will give you strength when you seem to have none left to deal with this. If this is something you are open to, I would be glad to share more about it. But for now, that's all I know say about it. I hope that if you are still dealing with this, that this has helped you some from someone who has similar desires as your husband.

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A male reader, flameber Singapore +, writes (4 September 2009):

i have same fetish but i am 16, just like your hubby like breathholding i am sure when he is young something happen to him that make him intrested, i dont think he remember but for me i still remember it clearly. if u want to get his attention just ask him if he want you to hold your breath, well i have not married yet and i am abit young but you can ask me question i will try to ans.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2009):

I'm the original poster.

Thank you Allin for your support and encouragement. Thank you for elaborating and helping me understand. I enjoy pleasing my partner and I genuinely love being in the water if it is not too cold. If it weren't for the danger of free diving, I would probably look into it more. My husband discourages me though. He likes the amateurs and I am sure he has searched You Tube for all breath holding girls no matter what the age.

I think once you've been married to the same gal for 15 years, it is hard to tell her that you need more stimulation. You don't want to hurt her, but you don't want to give up your recreation either. It must be difficult to be a guy and in that situation, but from a female's perspective it is disappointing to be married to someone that lies all the time. He tells me that he isn't interested and I know he is. There's nothing I can do.

Never having to look for outside stimulation for me to want to make love

makes it hard for me to be with someone who has to look for outside things for arousal. I am fit and turn him on, but he always needs more as most guys do. I feel like it is not a two way street and it saddens me.

Once again, thanks.

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A male reader, allinapnea Belgium +, writes (15 January 2009):

Wow... You held your breath for 4:15? And for 3:30 underwater? I'd be going crazy if I were your husband!

... Wait... Let me introduce myself properly... I'm Adam, a Belgian guy with practically the same fetish as your husband: I simply adore sporty girls/women who are holding their breath underwater for as long as they can. I adore them training for it. Female freedivers are the top for me...Wearing divemask and fins. I like the different aspects: the lips bulging under the mask, the mask emphasizing the eyes and yet, making the girl/woman more anonymous when the light reflects the glass of the mask and hides the eyes, the legs being prolonged by the diving fins, ... And of course, the psychological aspect of being underwater, holding her breath, the surface being the only way to life-giving air. I do not have a drowning fetish. It's just the breathholding to the max that really turns me on on the psychological level. It's complex, but I can't help it.

Well... Where was I? As I said: 3:30 underwater? 4:15 above?! Wow! Your husband should get his act together and turn to you for his fetish. And he should be glad with what you achieve! I would! My compliments!

Cheers and bubbles,

Adam, Belgium

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2009):

Hi anonymous male reader,

I'm the original poster.

I was not aware that all guys like this breath holding stuff. Interesting. Thanks for sharing. AS for the advice, been there done that. ;) Like I said, I am eager to please and have held by breath out of water for 4 minutes and 15 seconds tops. In the water my record was 3 minutes and 30 seconds. The problem here is that I am not enough for my husband no matter what I do. Guys are guys, just like you said. Thanks for your input. It is appreciated. :)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008):

Lunabella, women who can hold their breath for a really long time, DO turn us guys on! It's one of the sexiest things a girl can do in front of her guy. Guys are guys. We physically enjoy what we enjoy, period. My advice to you is to practice holding your breath, NOT UNDERWATER!!! for as long as you can, and try to increase your breathholding time, ask a girlfriend to help you with this, and do this breath holding practice NOT in the presence of your husband. Then, the next time you and him get it on, ask him in a soft voice if he would like you to hold your breath WHILE you're both having sex, and just don't breathe until he comes or you come, whichever happens first. Indulge your husband's fetish. You'll blow his mind and he'll love you for it. You'll reap some benefits frome this yourself. The longer you hold your breath during sex with him, the stronger your orgasm will be. Not breathing for long periods of time heightens your sexual arrousal as well as his! Hope this helps.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008):

lol... Thanks for making me laugh. We've strayed away from track, but life is like that sometimes. I'm so glad that you can still find joy and laughter in your life. A big lesson for us all... Thank you Lunabella for the laughter and the lessons you bring to us all... (smile)

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A female reader, Lunabella United States +, writes (17 December 2008):

Lunabella is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Lunabella agony auntThanks for posting the poem DiovanLestat and thanks for the reference Jim. Quite appropriate. Thanks for the education and the perspective.

GB Shaw is an interesting character indeed and has much to say about marriage and relationships too. Here's a laugh:

"A love affair should always be a honeymoon. And the only way to make sure of that is to keep changing the man; for the same man can never keep it up."

GEORGE BERNARD SHAW, Too True to Be Good

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008):

Thanks Mr Morrison, I looked up "Inside the Artists Studio" by Christina Rossetti, and I have to put the poem up here, because it seems to suit this situation and talk about it directly... It's great

One face looks out from all his canvases,

One selfsame figure sits or walks or leans:

We found her hidden just behind those screens,

That mirror gave back all her loveliness.

A queen in opal or in ruby dress,

A nameless girl in freshest summer-greens,

A saint, an angel — every canvas means

The same one meaning, neither more or less.

He feeds upon her face by day and night,

And she with true kind eyes looks back on him,

Fair as the moon and joyful as the light:

Not wan with waiting, not with sorrow dim;

Not as she is, but was when hope shone bright;

Not as she is, but as she fills his dream.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008):

lol... Pygmalion is actually one of my favourite stories and now you have me pondering on the significance of various versions..

It's from an older story from Greek mythology, where Pygmalion is lonely and makes Galatea a statue, who the goddess, Aphrodite brings to life, they can marry and it's happy ever after ...

Pygmalion and Galatea (1871) version by Gilbert, has Pygmalion's wife encouraging him to fall in love with the statue so that she can get some relief from his sex demands. When Galatea (Eliza) comes to life, in her innocence she overturns the household, drives Pygmalion crazy, until he begs for her to be turned back into a statue again, so he can have some peace...

Now I come to think of it, that version may be much closer to your situation and I wonder how your husband will put you in the box, if you take control of the choices and opportunities that life has to offer you.... very interesting, thanks for bringing your story to Dear Cupid for everyone to read...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008):

Another bubble pop babes, I don't do validation, and I never say nice things just to make people feel good. I like truth and honesty so the things that I say I mean, your writings and your assessments are really good. Thanks for the update...

PS: Read the original book, it's a blast....

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A female reader, Lunabella United States +, writes (16 December 2008):

Lunabella is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Lunabella agony auntThank you so much for your encouragement DiovanLestat.

Your validation of my feelings was a nice shot in the arm. Sometimes it is comforting to know that our ideas and feelings are not so far fetched and from left field.

The insight about Shaw's story was very interesting and I had not realized the implications. Good food for thought. It's one of those stories that I know, but have never read. It calls for some new attention I see.

What astounded me was the very notion that when couples get together there is usually one who is in love more than the other. Why do we think that they MUST be equal in their feelings for each other? Another fairy tale bubble burst! POP!

Tis a pity that there are so many lonely ladies in Europe when many men only want their mamas who baby them. The mothers are to blame as well. Taking care of their sons gives them a purpose in life and makes them feel needed.

Oh, women, wake up . . . wake up . . .

Bright Blessings to you,

Lunabella

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2008):

Damn, your writing is brilliant. You said many things that I want to say on this board but I don't because so many women are frightened to accept that this is the way things ARE rather than the way they SHOULD be. You've touched my emotions deeply with your post, and I found myself sad, angry, laughing, confused and longing about the things that you have said.

That's it babes, that's what it's about. We girls get brought up on Cinderella and happy ever after, Pygmalion indeed, and boys read Sherlock Holmes (unmarried loner) Tarzan (unmarried loner) Superman and Batman (unmarried loner's) I many parts of Europe, men have given up dating and marriage all together and would rather stay single and at home with their mothers. They have all they need and don't seem to want a woman at all. There are many sad, single, lonely women here in Europe.

It's quiet interesting the reference to Pygmalion. In the "My Fair Lady" the musical, Eliza goes back to Professor Higgins and she excepts him just as he is. She knows his rude and selfish and he will never change, and she accepts that and still goes back. But that's not in the book Pygmalion by Bernard Shaw, and Shaw (a male feminist) hated that hollywood ending. He was actually trying to say the opposite, he was warning women to take change into their own hands and make the hard choice to be pragmatically independant rather than in love. In Pygmalion Eliza decides to marry young Freddie, even though she doesn't love him, because he loves her much more than she loves him. She's the stronger one, and she knows that Freddy will be dependant on her and sweetly loving for the rest of his life.... "I might as well marry Freddie" she says because Professor Higgins will never change.

No advice on offer here babes, just a great deepfelt thanks for your latest update. It has been a very interesting read, and I think you have given yourself the best advice and you should read your own words. Your better at this advice thing than the whole of us put together, lol... Take care of you, and thanks for the emotional trip and the glimpse at your life... Blessings, and be good to you, look after you, always....

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A female reader, Lunabella United States +, writes (15 December 2008):

Lunabella is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Lunabella agony auntDiovonLestat -

Thanks for your time, thoughts and observations.

The counseling ended because it was costly and it was agonizing for my husband. I had collected information which included phone bills and online correspondence - one which included an internet post about how nice he thought some of the breath holding models were to a forum he belonged to and . . . it was on Valentine's Day of all days. OUCH. Other choice items included a phone call he made on New Year's Eve and leaving me alone to wrap presents and decorate the tree on Christmas Eve. So I was torturing him, as far as he is concerned. Holding the sword of Damocles over his head is what he used to say.

Our therapist said that we were a classic example of a Pygmalion scenario or of that of My Fair Lady with Professor Higgins and Eliza Doolittle. I came from a home where neither of my parents finished high school and my mom was an alcoholic and a manic depressive. I was timid and had low self esteem. I met my confident and already educated husband when I was 21 and years later ended up excelling in college and at work. He was my guide, my inspiration and he thrived on it. Now I'm all grown up and it isn't the same, I know but he has become a school teacher and is much happier doing that for living than what he used to do.

I also learned that I had to be more accepting and less critical, which I had become over time because I was so critical of myself. Because of my upbringing, challenges and barriers - much of the attention was indeed on me, but now after years of growth I have become more independent on many levels. There's always room for more growth, but it would make me happy if he saw a therapist alone.

Don't think I did much of the controlling, it seems to be more the other way around. He has been called a control freak by others and he jokes sometimes and calls himself a a control freak too. He also prides himself on being a hermit and doesn't have much of a family left or reaches out to friends. They are too much of a bother anyway. They interfere. That would require intimacy.

I think I have anger at the fact that I am a woman who is unhappy with her typical role of a doting and devoted wife and not receiving the same KIND of love in return. Women have learned how to adore their partners above all others, but men are considered normal to look around even if they are happily married. Some women are dependent on a man and are fearful that the man might leave them helpless and alone. What women have learned can be unlearned though. They have needs too, but women have been repressed and pressured to live up to some ideal whether it is a conscious effort or not. When a man is with the woman that he loves and has dedicated his life to and then fantasizes about another woman, it boils my blood to think how UNFAIR that is! He doesn't deserve a partner who adores the ground he walks on, he deserves someone more like himself who also looks around, desires others and has sexual needs to be fulfilled. Then again some men are intimidated by stronger and independent women. They like someone that does not have control over them and can be manipulated.

At the altar a woman is under the impression that her man only has eyes for her because she only has eyes for him. She puts 100% investment of her body, mind and soul out there and a man protects himself by reserving 10% or 20% for himself. It makes me mad that women just are so innocent and trusting and become vulnerable to hurt as a result. They are so naive, like I was.

I also choose to not have many friends or a large family and have spent most of my life doing things alone and by myself. I wasn't popular in school and was painfully nervous and shy and therefore don't have to do everything with my guy. I have classes, workout and go to work that don't include my guy - but maybe I better start learning how to enjoy my own sexuality like he does and step back from the relationship a bit. It doesn't seem healthy to be wrapped up like I tend to be. I have to be able to walk out and live on my own, the same way he knows that he can.

When we try to talk about things, I get accused of trying to cause a battle or asked why we don't get along. I feel bad and clam up. He would freak out if he saw this and be very upset at me. Even though I am anonymous here, just the fact that I am talking about his fetish will enrage him, I'm sure. It is a very sensitive subject. Like I said, I believe it would do a world of good for him to get counseling, but he would never go. He doesn't trust counselors and doesn't want to spend the time or money.

Guys and gals are different, but I am not your typical gal. I have a lot of male energy and get along with men more than I do with women. It just isn't appropriate for me to hang out with guys because of the sexual tension between the sexes. I also find it uncomfortable as well.

I can't change him, but I can change myself.

Good questions - we could start a whole new thread on this new subject actually. LOL

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2008):

There are other things that point out at issues in your marriage apart from this thing. Lets put the porn and the fetish to one side....

"We've talked about it and he tells me that I don't understand and for me to stop trying to control him. We've even tried marriage counseling!"

What happened at marriage counselling? What did you both discover? Did it help? Why did it stop.

Why dose he think your controlling him, has this been a big issue in your relationship?

"Currently, his recreation only consists of movies and photos"

What happened to going out together, doing nice things together and spending time together? Has the dating and the romance stopped?

"erotic phone conversations, emailing other women and instant messaging"

This doesn't sound good. OK they share his hobby, but flirting with other women on line, that goes well beyond porn. And he's fetish doesn't bloody need a telephone line, cause it seems to be a visual thing.

"It makes me bitter and I start to think that guys would watch porn if their wife was in the hospital dying"

Your more bitter about the porn, than the calls to other women and the fetish. Do you think he picked up on this and that's why he says you don't understand and leaves you out. Looking at pornography is a very private thing for some people and it's not something that can be shared because it takes away the pleasure of doing something by yourself.

"he accuses me of being too needy it hurts my feelings and makes me feel like an attention whore. He has asked me, why does it always have to be about me, anyway?"

Men and women are very different. A lot of men like time alone to do their own thing, and they don't feel comfortable sharing. Women on the other hand like to do everything with their guy. This leads to a lot of conflict in relationships , conflict that doesn't need to be there. If you notice, girls stay close to their mothers even after they get married, whilst men go off and stay with their wives and return home much less often. It's rare to get a teenage guy complaining that he's girlfriend has no time for him, but a lot of teenage girls, (especially on DC) feel lonely, and complain their guy is with his friends, his computer, his hobby, his car.. the list goes on.

Men and women are different, and maybe this may be the problem. Talk to him and see if you can gain some understanding. Lots of men need time to do their thing, that's why we women find other women to spend time with, because other women understand us and like to spend time doing the things we like to do.... Men get busy, that's what (non-sexual) girlfriends are for....

Just a few ideas babes, dose anything ring a bell with you.

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A male reader, DoubleM United States +, writes (13 December 2008):

DoubleM agony auntPlease be assured that my comment regarding the very unusual nature of the fetish is not criticism, but the practice is simply beyond my experience. I'm an older guy, and I used to think that my fetish for oral sex, both receiving and giving to wives and girlfriends (not concurrently), was fairly provocative. But that all began over 40 years ago when it WAS a bit out of ordinary. Now, oral sex is mainstream and I'm just an old foggy. LOL

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2008):

It doesn't sound like "porn creep".... as you said, he's had this fetish a long time, and Mr anonymous has said the same thing, he's found this interesting since he was 10years old. Your husband gets aroused in the swimming pool and watching the girls doing Olympics, so porn is not the culprit, it's just one of those things he's discovered that he likes. If you remove the porn and the computer, I don't think it will cure the problem, he'll just turn on the TV to watch women swimming. Porn has been blamed for everything, but it this case your better off blaming the Olympics or some other thing that turned him on to this.

A man who avoids the bedroom, now that's a real problem, and it's hard to give solutions cause I have no idea why he is doing this, especially since you've been accommodating and willing to partake. As Mr anonymous suggests, he would find you desirable, because your ability to hold your breath would turn him on. I have no idea why your husband dose this. Maybe it's time to have a heart to heart talk with him and show him ask him what's going on. Print out your post with the questions and answers, so he can see that nobody is judging him. The only thing we find concerning is why he's rejecting such a nice understanding wife such as you who is trying to make him happy. Show him what you've been trying to do, and ask him why he can't share his hobby with you, and lets see what he says.

PS: Porn creep is a convenient excuse, but I've found that fetishes usually develop when people are young and before they even start looking at porn. Porn is a good excuse when things are going wrong, and if it wasn't porn it would be something else.

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A female reader, Lunabella United States +, writes (13 December 2008):

Lunabella is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Lunabella agony auntThank you for the feedback everyone. I see there are two sides to the coin.

This can be a fetish we can both enjoy, but it also has it's ill side effects.

Here's just ONE example.

When I was in the tub relaxing and willing for a little breath holding fun while he demanded alone time on the computer so he can write his paper for his college class. I was very understanding. It is when he has been searching the Internet for more stimulation while a live and loving person is waiting for him in the tub that hurts me. I do understand that you can turn off the Internet anytime as opposed to spending time with a live person which is an undetermined amount of time, but here's what happened. He eventually did come to visit me in the tub, but it was after some time and after time that included looking up breath holding videos and photos. I guess after he was already stimulated, he was then willing to spend some time with me. Imagine that it is the other way around: How would a guy feel if he was frisky and waiting in the bedroom while his girlfriend/wife had an important paper to write and was actually looking at Internet porn in between writing the paper? How about after she was turned on by the photos then decides to spend time with her lover?

Is this the effects of porn creep, where they can't perform unless porn or fetish is involved to some extent?

Does my attitude wanting to attractive to my husband really make me needy?

Should this kind of thing remain hidden from me?

The effects of the porn are what gives it away. It's his behavior. For one, sometimes he is beyond nice and I suspect he is feeling guilty. It is usually after we have been apart. He says he missed me and I don't totally believe him. Once he accidently left a photo of a nude woman holding her breath on the desktop. I'm hyper sensitive because he has not won my trust back and finding things like this is not helping at all.

Please see other responses to answers here for further clarification if interested.

Thanks again.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2008):

I'm the original poster-

To the anonymous 33 year old white male - if you ever return. . .

Thank you for your honest and well written post, dear! I am touched and hope that writing about your fetish helps you start talking about it and expressing yourself.

Hopefully, after reading my story - you will never marry someone without them knowing about your fetish first. Finding out about what my husband was doing while we were dating and married was really traumatic as you say. I feel like I have been a victim of bait and switch! Because I also still love my husband very much, I have experienced an ongoing, deep, lasting pain, sadness and despair. I hide these feelings from him because it would be even more unbearable to have him hurt by knowing what he has done to my heart and soul. He has suffered and cried already in our counseling, and to put him through more misery hurts me much more than my own pain.

Your fetish is identical to that of my husband's - and yes, I do also know what an aquaphile is and all the assortments. He too, while we were on our honeymoon and other vacations looked to other women who are in the water and counting as they submerged! Once he saw a couple of girls playing breath hold in a jacuzzi and he had the same reaction as you. I used it as a opportunity to fantasize in the bedroom because I accept it as something he doesn't have to hide anymore from me. And yes - it is the breath holding ability that is the most attractive about these girls - NOT their looks! BINGO. All of what you describe is right on exactly to a tee.

My husband also has no clue as to why he has this fetish and has kept it as a deep dark secret for much of his life. What a burden, but then it is a burden for me as well. Once we were in Las Vegas watching the underwater mermaid show (which is no longer there) he had his arms around me and told me in my ear that what he liked best about the show was imagining that the girls also liked holding their breath.

I too, am a fit size 4 female who enjoys holding her breath and swimming underwater. I like holding my breath for long periods of time because it is a challenge to me in an athletic way - however it is not a fetish with me and I do not find the act arousing by itself. It is the interaction with my partner that I find arousing. Though I have heard that holding your breath for short periods of time while having sexual intimacy is practiced during Tantra, so there is another connection. You can use that one with your next girlfriend! LOL ;)

What breaks my heart is that I am such a loving and eager partner who knows that though I arouse my husband, I will never be his ultimate fantasy of what he is looking for. Even if I was the ultimate, I have a feeling that I am still not enough. Loving someone with a fetish makes me feel lonely and isolated, but at the same time my heart goes out to those who have fetishes because they too feel very isolated and alone.

S&M has become almost chic and yet breath holding is something most people have never heard about so it seems really bizarre and weird. There are many fetishes that people have never heard of and ANYTHING can become a fetish- stuffed animals, touching metal, clown makeup and pie in the face are a few. Maybe we will see more awareness in our lifetime as sexual pleasure becomes more of an open topic.

A fetish is a sexual addiction and it CONTROLS you like a drug or a vice. Those of you in the same boat, look up Joe Zychik on the net - he's an ex-sex addict himself and has got some insight including fetishes. There's a questionaire that you can take in private.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2008):

Strange fetish found.... needs to go into the Dear Cupid encyclopedia, for future reference...

Problem/enjoyment is a good way of putting it. Seems to be non-harmful if you make sure you breathe eventually. If he likes it and you can do it, then no problems. But not too often babes, you got to do the things you like as well. How about every now and again, and then other sexual things you like at other times. This is a new one to me, but if it keeps him happy and brings intimacy to your marriage, then why not, who cares, marriage is all about communication and compromise..... blah...

PS: If he's shy, then don't talk, (no pun intended) just do it for him sometimes when you make love. No explanation or words needed, acceptance and action might be just what he seeks... But then it just might be a private thing and he might not be interested in you sharing his hobby, people can do that as well....

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2008):

Good day..

I'm a 33 year old white male..

It was actually interesting reading about your husband's fetish. I have had the same fetish since early childhood, even before puberty. I think it was when I was about 10 years old when I just started having these feelings. I have thought about what caused my fetish a lot, and honestly.. I can't think of an incident or something similar that started it. It just simply started.

When I reached puberty (round about age 14), I actually started having dreams about girls swimming underwater or holding their breaths for long. You won't believe me, but a fit girl who can hold her breath for long arouse me more then any nude girl.. No matter how beautiful she is... I don't know why I am this way or what caused it.

I'm always very interested in how long a girl can hold her breath. If I talk to girls or get to know girls a little bit better, I always try to find out how long they can hold their breath. It's by far the single most attractive feature for me in a girl, silly as it may sound. Even if a girl is a bit overweight but have a long breath, I'm usually more attracted to her then any of the other girls around. I also love timing girls to see how long they can hold their breaths. I get aroused by video material showing girls pushing themselves to the limits holding their breaths.

So yeah. I really can't explain why I'm this way. I wish I can know why? I haven't had any meaningful relationships with any females up to now, and I'm 33! The fact that I have a breath holding fetish as you call it, had a big impact on my life. I know that I'm overlooking some nice female partners who has a lot of good qualities to offer in a relationship. But I just can't help it.. The primary thing about girls that attracts me is ultimately how long they can hold their breath.

Anyhow, I hope I'm not boring you. To tell you the truth.. I've never spoken to anyone about this ever before, and it's by far my biggest secret.

Well, to get back to the topic. I'm the first one to agree that having a fetish over girls who can hold their breath for long, is very unhealthy. Yeah, I also surf the internet in search of pictures and videos showing girls pushing themselves to extreme limits holding their breaths. I'm not aroused though by girls who are being forced holding their breaths, e.g. a guy smothering a girl or such stuff. It's kind of weird and I can't explain why I'm not attracted to acts where women are drowned/forced to hold their breaths. Their is however a different level to this, where a girl is not being forced to hold her breath, but pushes herself to her max. I get very aroused e.g. where a woman must swim underwater in tunnels on e.g. fear factor, without the option to come up for air for lengthy periods of time. So yeah.. the border is a bit grey sometime. I have however personally never before forced a girl to stay underwater when she wants to come up. In short.. I think it arouse me by far the most when a fit sporty women can push herself to stay down there for long. More like in the athlete type.

I must however note that I've heard of some guys who are aroused by scenes of women being drowned etc. So I think you get different types of "Aquaphiles", the term apparently most commonly used to describe people who like underwater girls, or breath holding girls. I would also like to note that you get different kind of aquaphiles. Some guys gets turned on by e.g. wet clothed girls being in and underwater water, with no interest in how long the girl can hold their breath. Other guys just like girls underwater smiling and posing in swimsuits, without being interested at all about breath holding capabilities. Some guys, unfortunately, gets turned on by violent scenes of women being dunked and drowned underwater against their will/capabilities. Well, as I've mentioned I like the sporty type who can push themselves for long periods of time, being it underwater or out of water. So I think it might be more appropriate to refer to my fetish as a "push yourself to the max breath hold" fetish. Difficult to explain.

Well, to get back to how it affected my life. I'm a real gentleman and I'm realy nice to all women. I have no "motives" or hidden agendas. I'm not nice because I want to form a "base" from where I can sort of start of on to try and persuade the woman to hold her breath.. I was just raised this way and it's in my blood to have respect for women. I've only had one meaningful relationship in my life so far that lasted 4 months. The girl wasn't really a good swimmer and couldn't hold her breath for long, but she was really very sweet. I had an excellent time with her. During the summer time we visited a holiday resort, and my eyes started dwelling whenever i see girls going underwater or playing breath holding games. This may sound weird, but sometimes I will start counting in my head as soon as a woman goes underwater..Even if she's on the other side of the pool!

I realy felt very bad about this, because here I'm sitting with a wonderful girlfriend in my arms.. But my thoughts are everywhere else in the pool with the other girls playing in the water. We decided to break up a few months after that, not due to my fetish (that she didn't know about), but due to the fact that I had to move to another city (career), and she didn't want to move with me due to being happy in her career and job. I have however not told her about my fetish, and I know that she could not satisfy it since she was really terrible at both swimming and breath holding.

So yeah.. I'm fully aware that the error is with me and that I have an "obsession" ruling my life. I've tried for years to alter my state of mind, but no luck. As soon as I see a girl on television doing synchronized swimming or free diving, I get aroused all over again. It had an immense impact on my relationship life. I'm interested in spending my time with girls with long breaths. And I'm serious when I say that even the most beautiful fashion model won't turn me on a lot for long periods of times, unless she can hold her breath for long. I have therefore refrain from getting involved in fixed relationships with women whom I know won't attract me over the long term with regards to my fetish. At first I thought that maybe if I hook up with a nice sweet girl, it will draw my attention away from breath holding. My ex-girlfriend was "perfect" in nearly all ways, except that she couldn't hold her breath... And within a month or two my eyes were wandering around. I never cheated on her, but I could feel that if we should get married one day, I will find myself on the internet only a short time after our mariage searching for material of girls holding their breaths.

So yeah, this is not an easy thing for me, and I'm the first to admit that I'm not normal. But it's part of my life and I'm pretty sure that I won't be able to change it. To be honest.. I'm not sure how to approach my relationship with women. I don't want to get involved with a girl, marry her.. And then make her find out down the line about my fetish and that I'm attracted to breath holding girls. (As is what just happened in your mariage.) I think it will be horrible to put a girl through the trauma of letting her know that you're attracted to OTHER girls who can hold their breaths for long, and that she's a lot of the time not the prime focus of your life. You have my sympathy regarding what you're currently experiencing in your relationship.

I think what I'm looking for is a good swimmer/naturally good breath holder who are actually more comfortable with breath holding, which is a pretty hard thing to do. In the back of my head I'm actually fully aware that it can't be healthy looking primarily for these characteristics in a girl. I mean, let's think about it with a clear mind.. Which human who doesn't have a breath holding fetish, will be satisfied in holding his/her breath nearly every second day or so, no matter if he/she's a good swimmer. People will just not keep on playing breath holding games if they do not get aroused by it, or if it's not part of their sport training. So I thought maybe meeting an underwater hockey player girl or so.. But still.. It's fantasy.. And I'm sure not underwater hockey player will enjoy a boyfriend/husband who is obsessed with her breath holding capabilities.

I've actually thought about it before if I don't have a variation of some type of bondage fetish. But like I've mentioned.. I don't get aroused by forcing people to hold their breaths against their will. I actually get aroused when I see how a fit girl/woman can actually push herself to her limits.

Regarding your husband.. If I was him, I would have most probably found myself doing the same things on the internet etc.. And I know it's wrong! One cannot fantasise or compare your wife to this fit sporty girl who can hold her breath for ages. But seriously.. I just can't help it.. And it will be with me for the rest of my life.

Sorry that I've written a story book. To be honest I stumbled upon this article while I was doing a google search on free diving girls, trying to find yet more pictures/articles of girls who can hold their breaths for long.

Anyhow.. Like I've mentioned.. I've NEVER talked about this before to anyone. I just felt I had to contribute a bit to this topic, since it affects my life tremendously.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope you can get things worked out with your husband.

Take care.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2008):

As the original poster, thanks for the replies, guys. Much appreciated.

Weird indeed, DoubleM! My husband constantly tells me that I must think he is weird. So as Confused08 has suggested, perhaps it is the comfort zone thing that is an issue.

I have expressed my pleasure in being close to my husband by accepting his fetish and being open about it. He doesn't have to be afraid or be embarrassed with me, yet he still is self-conscious about it and blushes at the mention of it sometimes. I offer him love, acceptance and support. I enjoy our time together and am eager to please. It is exciting to me. As long as it doesn't get out of hand or is harmful to anyone - we can make this something that we both can enjoy. I may not have a breath holding fetish myself, but it is an extra bonus that I love the water and always wanted to be a mermaid. LOL Having also an appreciation for beautiful women, I also enjoy a good porn for the variety and naughty fun. I am not a prude! Where I fall short is not having the fetish myself.

I do work full-time and enjoy my job, so I too, have a life and interests outside of the home. I love my husband very much and when he accuses me of being too needy it hurts my feelings and makes me feel like an attention whore. He has asked me, why does it always have to be about me, anyway?

As a result, he keeps it hidden and chases his fetish online while I am away or still sleeping in bed early in the morning before work. It saddens me to think that he visits websites moments before he brings me coffee in bed when I would enjoy warm cuddles, nuzzles and kisses. I wish that he felt like doing that instead of me having to ask for it. Does he not have the desire to do so?

He said his fetish has nothing to do with me, that he still loves me and for me to grow up and get over it. However, I can't say that this is a quality in a man that I find attractive or turns me on. Guys, if your lady was constantly looking at photos of big cocks and then told you that she still loved you - would you find that a turn on? Should I just laugh it off and mind my own business? When the breath holding models have double D's and I am a petite woman with a 34B chest - I can't help to feel a bit inadequate.

When I send him romantic e-cards it takes him days before he opens them. I enjoyed spending time writing erotic breath holding stories for him and he wasn't all that interested, but was more interested in another woman's stories online that were supposedly true. I've made movies with my web cam, but apparently he has ignored them and the digital underwater camera that we played with once in summer remains in the drawer untouched. Other men find me sexy, but my own husband prefers the variety and excitement of different women. Fatter ones, to be exact. Strange, but true! Self confidence is sexy, but I so enjoy being fit and healthy too. I don't want to be 25 pounds overweight or heavier and I work to keep my weight off.

My husband might still love me, but he may be bored with me after being together for a total of 25 years. Perhaps he is not willing to give up his variety, independence and his personal recreation? What is sad is that I am not bored with him and I am not driven by a fetish or my sex drive. He encourages me to get a girlfriend, and though I am bi - he is all I truly want. I am attracted to women, but my man would be enough for me. Hey, I don't even mind sharing! He insists that he loves me deeply and does not want me to leave him, just for me to leave him alone.

I have been so depressed over this . . .

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A male reader, DoubleM United States +, writes (11 December 2008):

DoubleM agony auntIt doesn't get much weirder than this one.

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A male reader, confused08 United States +, writes (11 December 2008):

umm this is advice number 2 haha

I have a few fetishes. My x-wife never cared about anything that got me off. or got me excited. It sucks to read the willingness on these boards of wives complaining that they are at least trying. Again i am going to have to go with the comfort zone reason. It's pretty funny how some guys don't really know what they are missing. and other guys don't really know how good they have it.

Shitty answer but meh it's what i think

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