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Husband has a fetish with my soiled panties!

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 December 2009) 19 Answers - (Newest, 21 July 2010)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

We've been married 11 years, together 14 years.

A few months ago, I discovered by accident that he's been stealing my soiled panties and keeping them in his home office. I just happened to go into his desk to look for the car keys to move one of our vehicles out of the garage and found a few of my unwashed panties in a box where he keeps the trinkets and cards that I've given him over the years. I asked him about it and he insisted he's not a transvestite but he just likes the feel and smell of them (he works out of the house as an architect). The way he was evasive and defensive about it made me thought it weird but I just asked for them back, washed them, and dropped the matter.

A month ago, I am becoming suspicious that he's been playing with the panties out of the hamper. I talked to him about being uncomfortable with it and he admitted it and said he would stop. But I still find sometimes they disappear and get returned to the hamper after a day or two.

My husband is great in many other ways--considerate, good provider, great with our kids, helps out (not as much as I like, but he cooks and does his share of cleaning). I am sure he doesn't cheat because I'm a stay-at-home mom and he works out of the house and we see each other all the time (and I can hear his calls during the day--he has a booming voice). We have a good sex life. I love this man but it's making me feel a bit violated and defensive. It's on my mind when we have sex now. I know it seems like a harmless thing but I also don't want it to lead to something other fetish I can't handle because I come from a dysfunctional family and this is the only normal family I ever have.

Is this normal? He said in the past that he likes to sniff and feel them but he doesn't wear them. I heard of married men turning transvestite and I don't think I can handle that. It would turn me off if that happens. How can I make him see my viewpoint and make him stop before it goes further. It's turning me a bit self-conscious and awkward toward him and I don't want it to.

View related questions: move on, sex life

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2010):

Hi

I am a (reasonably) normal hetrosexual male who also has a love of my wife's soiled panties.

I have no interest in being a transvestite, but I do love to wear her panties.

Sniffing your soiled panties is a compliment and must have some sort of natural instinct / attraction.

Whilst I am no expert I understand that women leave secretions in their panties which are attractive to men.

I would imagine he just enjoys, and is excited by your very personal feminine smell which is something very special between the two of you.

Do not try to stop him - take it as a measure of the depth of his love for you. I know I still love only my wife and do not want anyone else.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010):

Hi im a pantyman here male enjoy sniffing ladies worn panties too it is not weird it is a fetish we enjoy love the scent of ladies well worn panties

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A male reader, DJ69 United Kingdom +, writes (14 February 2010):

I could add several hundred stories to this thread, all of which would illustrate that most (if not all) men are at least intrigued, or at the other end of the scale, addicted to the odour of their mates' reproductive zones. It is (as a previous poster stated) a purely animal thing, & us males are clearly more susceptible to our primeval animal urges than are our more restrained female partners. It took me some time to admit to my girlfriend how much I loved the smell of her panties, but I confessed all when she commented on the fact that any time I took them off her in order to lick her pussy, I would always dreamily inhale them for a moment before getting down to business. Now, although she herself is genitally hygeinic almost to the point of obsession, she wiil sometimes very kindly wear the same panties for 2 or 3 days in order to get me on a sexual high. I adore her for that. She doesn't share my feelings but accepts what it means to me, & at the end of the day she knows she will make me as a randy as hell by indulging me. Meantime, the main thing I want the lady who posted the original inquiry to know is this; when guys have this fetish, it is nearly always about the lady they are in love with, and I think its very seldom you will come across one who is just into panties, no matter who they came off. You husband adores your particular & unique feminine perfume, the combination of chemicals & pheromones that spell out who you are & have probably been a major factor in his adoration of you all along. I can say this with some confidence because I'm acutely aware of female bodily perfumes and have sometimes been with some very gorgeous women & ended up not as excited or stimulated or as excited as their visual beauty would have you expect. The expression about "sexual chemistry" is more than just a cliche. Some mates will drive us crazy, others we will feel ambivalent about, no matter how beautiful they are. The reason is the subtleness of the chemicals we exude, even though we are barely aware of their existence. But in used panties, us men find an immensely satisfying sensory overload of what is the essence of the woman we desire.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009):

Having had experience with a number of perverts with crazy fetishes, including transvestism, I can say I am pretty sure your husband is not into dressing up like a woman. This is a straight up dirty underwear fetish. It is more common than you might think. I have a new bf and although I have not caught him smelling my underwear (YET) he does LOVE my smell on his fingers. He will finger me then smell his fingers while we are having sex. Do I think this is weird? Kind of. Does it make me want to not be with him? No. But it does make me feel self conscious like I have to make sure my smell is ok down there at all times. Occasionally I will get BV(Bacterial Vaginosis) and as you know this makes your smell very strong. I avoid him during these times.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009):

I am a husband with this same fetish.. I love my wife and my family. Sex has been difficult for us for some years now as my wife has no desire and I am a healthy male in my mid 30's with a high sex drive. I love her scent and I am glad to see that so many other women feel this is normal and that he is attracted to you, because for me nothing could be farther from the truth.. I desire my wife on a daily basis and I don't think I could evert get enough of her! Her scent is the most exciting thing to me and I think your husband feels the same way about you. My fear is that my wife will find out about my fetish with her scent, feel violated like yourself, cut me off completely and treat me like I'm some sort of twisted pervert and she will be disgusted by me. Your husband probably feels the same way also. I suggest indulging him like so many of the other posters here have said, and it will probably take your relationship to a whole other level. And don't leave out the gardening panties... I promise you that those are the ones he loves the most!!! He doesn't care about sexy looking silky whatever.. he just want's as much of your scent as possible, even on big old granny panties! believe it or not, those gardening panties are most likely the sexiest ones in his mind ;)

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A female reader, Sadnat South Africa +, writes (3 December 2009):

Sadnat agony auntas weird as it may seem, i would actually be a bit flattered atleast its your panties and not someone elses. to me it shows he still has the hots for you and i know its kinda embarresing but i think the new sexy underwear idea is great...keep the spice in your sex life and play along...he obviously loves you and your body and sex with you. be happy...and laugh about it...your husband is inlove with you after all these years..he still wants only you.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (3 December 2009):

Fatherly Advice agony aunt2boysmom,

Thanks for writing back. It is good to see that you have registered and are even answering a few questions yourself.

It seems as if research has really opened your eyes on this. I think it is always best when couples share all of their sexual activity. As for you concerns, he probably doesn't care what size you are wearing. You should probably talk to him about materials. In the end you will wear what you are comfortable in. I know he is going to be one very happy man when you hand over the first pair.

Good luck and keep the lines of communication open.

FA

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (3 December 2009):

Miamine agony auntlol... like the idea of some new underwear for you for christmas, why shouldn't you be involved and have fun too. But go carefully, don't throw away the old stuff yet. It's you he loves, you and everything you are. Old, tired panties, well that's you sometimes as well. Bet when he has them old gardening panties, he's remembering watching you and dreaming off what he'd like to do to you right in the middle of the roses... happy holidays dear, keep on doing what your doing, it seems to make him happy enough to stay.

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (3 December 2009):

Miamine agony auntlol.. dirty panties.. I very much doubt he's wearing them, and just as he said, they smell of you, they smell of sex, probably more beautiful to him than any perfume. Napolean Bonaparte (french tyrant) liked the same thing, asked his Josphine not to wash herself before he saw her as he loved her smell. I know you want things to be "normal", but very few things in life are normal, most people have a "kink", even you, with your wish for things to be "normal, average and understandable." He's not a transvestite, he's not wearing your panties, and even if he is, so what, women's clothes are more colourful, softer and made of nicer materials.

After 14 years, yes it's a shock. But he's not having an affair, he's not beating you, your love life isn't damaged. All you got is a man (who is married to you) who wants to keep your own personal smell arround him always. lol.. yep, men are dogs, dogs react on a gut level to smells too. Don't worry, just buy extra panties and forget the whole thing if you can.

PS: There are ways to retrain your guy, just like a dog, but to tell the truth it's not worth the bother and will cause distress. The guy is complimenting you, after so long together, he still loves you and finds you ultra sexy. You are a lucky woman.

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A female reader, HonningKanin Norway +, writes (3 December 2009):

HonningKanin agony auntI think fatherly advice hit it on the head perfectly when he said "Normal is a word I don't like to use when talking about sex because there is such a wide spectrum of interests, levels of involvement, etc., etc.."

I think you might be getting too caught up in the lable of normal and abnormal because you are petrified of losing this lovely man that you might actually be freaking out over something that is very benign.

Even men who are are transvestites can be seen as a common and normal behaviour with normal sex lives with their wives who may or may not know. The ones who do know either embrace it, tolerate it and others dont, but I myself would never see a man as not normal just because he likes wearing womens clothes. Its just cloth stiched in a certain way. I dont know what the big deal is. Men however love it when women wear their clothes. I know I pilfer my husbands shirts, jumpers and jeans. Does that make me a transvestite? In theory yes. Is it normal? For us, yes. For other people maybe not. However I dont overtly care what they think as long as we are happy and inlove.

HonningKanin

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A female reader, 2boysmom United States +, writes (3 December 2009):

Thank you for all the responses.

After a bit of research (eye-opening, I've been sheltered!) and reading the responses here (especially from other women), I've decided that I'd better to take control. Although I have a feeling that he won't do that, it would kill me if he goes elsewhere to get his kink (who would buy dirty worn panties from strangers--I guess some do from the sites I see). I also don't like that we have this unspoken uneasiness between us for the past few weeks.

I think my uneasiness has to do with the fact that I think some of my panties aren't exactly sexy and some are down right funky before washing (like after gardening or during certain time of the month). I also am trying to lose weight after my second kid so I didn't want him to have my big fat panties just now although I have to admit that he kept telling me that he finds me sexy and has gone out of his way to be romantic and thoughtful.

Now I regret having shamed him with some of the things I said to him. We are no stranger to all forms of sex between a married couple but I don't think any of my women friends would care for dirty underwear from their husbands.

I guess it's a men's thing--some men at least.

At least the question of what to get him for Christmas has been resolved.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2009):

Thanks for the perspective. I'm the original poster.

The observation about him makes sense. He's artistic and a few years younger than me and his child-like ways can be maddening at times.

But in truth, he is a great provider and romantic husband and patient father, and has always been much more comfortable with being sentimental/touchy/feely with me and the kids. To the point where I sometimes feel inadequate in how much I want to reciprocate but can't find the same creative/romantic ways to do so. That's not how I was brought up.

I know it's not fair and I should indulge him in this but I have, so far, a normal, happy marriage and I just want to keep it that way. It's not the image of the guy I married (a panties sniffer?) but I know he truly loves me and even my mom, who don't trust men, said so all the time.

Sometimes that I can't see what he sees in me and I dread that the other shoe is going to drop when least expected. Marriages in my family don't last, with my mom and both of my sisters.

He hasn't done anything to give me a reason to doubt in our 11 years of marriage but this is the first and only normal relationship I've been in and I so want it to last.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2009):

If he is the man u talk about perhaps u should be flatered that he wants to keep panties helping him remember the time and moment he was with u, and the advantage is you will get plenty of new underwear even if he wanks on then then he is thinking of u most of all your hot tight pussy, in fact this probly goes back to his school year.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (2 December 2009):

Fatherly Advice agony auntGood answers, so far. I have some to add.

He really likes your panties. He is having trouble giving them up. It saddens me that you are so upset about this. I suspect that he will keep borrowing your panties for some time. It is possible but difficult for him to quit altogether.

If you could accept this relatively harmless behavior, it could become a bonding between you. A secret that only you two share. He certainly isn't going to tell the boys about it. Only trouble is, how do I tell you to accept something that creeps you out? You obviously have a great deal of fear about this. If you think it would be helpful to talk to another woman in a similar situation I can point you t o a good forum.

I believe that from the evidence you have found that he is telling you the truth. If he was wearing you would find unexpected panties in the laundry.

You are mostly worried about: 1) is this normal? and 2) is this going to lead to something else?

1) Normal is a word I don't like to use when talking about sex because there is such a wide spectrum of interests, levels of involvement, etc., etc.. The best way to answer is to say Yes there are a lot of guys who are turned on by the smell down there. The good news is that scent is a powerful bonding force for men. Don't over do the perfumes and deodorants. Good clean you is what he wants. Make sure to leave some of your scent on him whenever you get the chance.

2) Yes it could lead to something else. If you search news for panties you will find stories of guys getting caught stealing panties. They can end up registered as sex offenders. If you poke around you will find websites that sell used panties. Now to me, (slap me down if you have to) it is way way better that he is borrowing yours. And it would be even better if you gave him a pair every now and again. Wouldn't you rather be in control? Then he wouldn't want to sneak around and hide it from you.

You are worried about him becoming a transvestite. The truth is at his age, he already wears, or he isn't going to. Most men who wear panties have been wearing since they were teens. And, many men who wear panties don't wear any other womens clothing, and have no same sex attraction at all.

FA

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A female reader, HonningKanin Norway +, writes (2 December 2009):

HonningKanin agony auntThis man obviously loves you. You know we are animals and smells play a very big part in relationships. My husband pretty much does this too. I am just glad they are my underwear. I also have a hard time feeling violated by it seeing as he eats me out and loves giving me oral. He enjoys the smell because its my smell and is attracted to it. I am attracted actually to the smell of his skin. Its akin to women having a shirt of a man who had sweat in it and they smell it on occassion to remind them. In my mind its perfectly normal.

I would especially see the case of him wanting something that has a strong smell of you when he is away from you.

HonningKanin

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A female reader, Miffy Ninjafairey United States +, writes (2 December 2009):

Miffy Ninjafairey agony auntWell, he is your husband. And if he really loves you and you are uncomfortable with it, just gently tell him. Tell him that although you love him dearly, You need to wear you panties, not have them at work. So if he can understand, that's great, and if he has such a problem with it, go out and buy some new panties for him, just get him a new bag and say have fun. Lol. (Just kidding.)

But seriously, tell him firmly, and if he makes it into a situation that's " No-Big-Deal." All men do that, so make sure that he understands. Tell him its just not comfortable knowing your panties aren't where their supposed to be.

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A female reader, madlib United States +, writes (2 December 2009):

Yeah, this is just a regular fetish, nothing that should cause you to feel he has gender or sexuality issues....I have a guy friend who pays women for their used panties because he gets off on the sexuality of a woman's juices on the erotic fabric....the good news is they are yours and not someone elses...he just wants to keep your eroticism with him even at work...you should feel good that your man wants to think about you when he is away...but it isn't a sign of anything...if anything he is probably uuuuber embarrassed that you found out his secret and is afraid you are going to think ill of him...if it creeps you out, give him a last hurrah-dress up in kinky lengerie, make out with him and then take your undies off and hand them to him and say that your now going to decide when he gets the pleasure of taking you to work with him...that those will have to hold him over for now...and then you decide if you want to do that for him again...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2009):

:) he just likes the smell and memory of you...nothing more. if he was turning into a transvestite he would take clean panties i would think. its totally about you and now you've made him feel like he has to hide it. i love to smell the pillow my husband sleeps on...and when my dad died suddenly..my mother slept with one of his dirty work shirts. smell is a strong sense, and it triggers feelings and thoughts. i see this a totally harmless. not my thing but a compliment in my books.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom + , writes (2 December 2009):

there are some men who like this, and it is normal. I'm sure you do feel violated in a way. If thats the case, make sure you throw your underwear in the washing machine as quickly as possible. As for cheating, he isn't. He's totally into you, even if his way of showing it seems a bit too intrusive.

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