A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:A year and a half ago, my husband had an affair. The OW got pregnant. We decided to separate because of this and I moved away. My husband's reasons for starting the affair are many, but one of them being that I didn't want children yet and he did. In my defense, I didn't think we could afford it, plus we were in the middle of remoldeling a house built in the late 1800's, in other words, not safe for children. In the emails I found in discovering his betrayal, they are all about how she can't wait to have his baby and how horrible I am because I don't want children. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I left and decided to start my life over, I couldn't compete with this innocent child for his love and my husband wanted to be responsible for this child (his father left when he was 1, so he never really knew him). My husband tried to make it work with the OW, but she changed and wouldn't even see him. In fact the final straw was when she told him she had been beaten up and decided to have an abortion because she didn't want the baby anyway. He is completely against this and was furious and heartbroken and never wanted to speak to her again. About 10 months ago we started talking again and decided to work on our marriage since we didn't have this child to create friction between us, no we just had a run of the mill affair to heal. However, yesterday he received a letter in the mail from the state, the OW is suing for child support. She had lied about the abortion and had the baby, it is 6 month old! My husband and I are together, he moved here to be with me and we have been working very hard on reconciling and building our marriage into something stronger than it ever was before. I have been in and out of counseling battling severe depression because of all of this. I'm not sure I can handle this as well. My question is has anyone been through a similar situation and how has it turned out? I'm not sure what my role should be in this.
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abortion, affair, heartbroken, want children Reply to this Question |
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe paternity results came back and it is a 99.9% "chance" he is the father.
I'm not sure whether to congratulate him or cry.
No matter how I prepared myself for the moment, when it was there in black and white, I still put my head down on the table and cried.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): I had my first child at 36, so you do have time. That is not the question, the first step is deciding how to go forward with your husband or without. You have the loss of you baby to cope with as well. This really is tough, nobody can condemn you.
My sister was unfaithful because her husband would not start a family and she wanted to badly as she was getting on. She had an affair and got pregnant. Her husband has brought up her child as his own and now they have more. She was going to leave him but the other bloke did not want to continue. They got over it and they are a very happy family, there is equal love shared around. He is a good man, it must have been painful for him, but he has been repaid a million times over.
Nobody could expect you to be the same or feel the same and it sure would take time to get over. Just wanted to give you a glimmer of hope that if you are able to forgive at some stage, you could be rewarded a million times over too. Having said that I am not sure I could in your place so tough call, very tough, but you do have a lot of power and say in how this works out so don't feel powerless but take your time to see how your feelings develop.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your response to my question.
DiovanLestat,
You have raised question that is extremely hard for me to admit/answer.
I'm not sure I would have considered getting back together with him knowing that there was a child from their aduldtry. It is just too complicated, and everything that I have read on the subject says that in order to safeguard your marraige, it is best if your spouse makes a clean break with the other woman. This most definately does not constitute a clean breakup.
I was sad for him when I learned of her abortion, because I know how much he is against that, but I was glad for us. I know that sounds horrible, but it is how I felt.
I think the way this woman has handled this situation has made it harder for all of us. She had someone that was willing to be responsible and she lied to him, so he made other/new plans with his life that didn't involve her and this child. I feel like she is using this child as a means to continue hurting him and me and that is sad and horrible.
Knowing he has a child is excrutiating. One minute I feel sorry for the baby, and the next I want to rage against all of them. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up, as it is a physical manifestation of my husband's betrayal. It feels awful to have this kind of bitterness and hatred towards my husband, the baby and her mother. I feel there is no outlet and no one talk to that understands and won't condemn me for my feelings. One second I am joking with my husband about how we better tell our hypothetical son or he might end up having 2-headed babies with his sister because he didn't know it was her, and the next second I'm beating my fists against myself, crying and screaming, and the next I'm laying in bed not able to move, just paralyzed by the fact that I'm not sure I can continue to be married to man that is so stupid and how I can possibly leave him now after we've made so much progress and there is that stupid ridiculous fact that I love him.
We set up a couples counseling session for this Friday and I just pray that I make it through until then without doing anything stupid or rash. I'm not sure if the couseling will really do our marriage any good, I'm quite sure I want nothing to do with the OW and her child, which I guess means that I probably won't have a husband much longer.
I can't tell you what an eye-opening expereince it is to have someone tell you they had an affair because they wanted children and you weren't ready. While we were separated everywhere I looked there was baby this and baby that. Quite a few of my friends and coworkers were pregnant and here I was, a jilted wife with my husband expecting with another woman. I never felt so left out and cheated as I did those months. I am 29 and all I could think of (and don't think I don't realize it was irrational thinking) was the fact that by the time I met another guy that I could trust and feel in love, and then got married I would probably be too old to have children. I had missed my chance to have children the traditional way and now I would end up alone and without children or I'd have to AI or just get knocked up if I wanted children in my future.
Since moving here, my husband found a great job and we no longer have that stupid house to remodel, so we had decided to try and have kids. A few months ago, I got pregnant and sadly, shortly after had a miscarriage. We have continued to try but with no success
So yes, this his first child and it is not mine.
I wish I could be the bigger person in this and just be like "the more the merrier", but it is so hard to let go of this anger. For one thing, the mother lives 250 miles away in another state, so I'm not sure how this is all gonna work anyway, but I know it will be expensive and messy.
I'm sorry to ramble but it is therapeutic I guess and it is so nice to have input from others, even if it is hard to hear sometimes.
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A
female
reader, Clarey  +, writes (25 June 2008):
 The strain must be unbearable. There has been a whole radio series about a couple facing the same as you, here in the UK. It is BBC Radio 4, The Archers. I don't know how the wife stood it but she ended up taking the child in after his mother died. Women can be so enormously strong.
If you had children of your own I would say try very hard to keep your family together. As it is this is a very tough challenge. I would have thought he would be very unlikely to cheat again given the effect this affair has had but only you know. I also hope he is very, no extremely grateful to you and loves you to pieces for being the person you are. You obviously take your marriage vows very seriously.
Wider family members will come to know about this, not only will it affct your finances and whole life, it willl colour everyone's thoughts and feelings around you.
There is no answer, but go and see your counsellor as soon as you can. Take each day as it comes, I don't see how you can do anything else. This may affect your feelings about yuor husband and even though it would upset you enormously, you may find it best to part. The woman may want you to take the child. You may stay together and never see it. Your own children may want to know about it and meet their half-sibling in future.
Perhaps if it were me I would leave for a while so I could get my head around all this and try out what it is like to be alone.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (25 June 2008):
 I am very sorry to hear what you are going through. The same thing happened to my best friend. She is married and had absolutely no idea that her husband was having an affair. She is a really good look woman and her husband is very overweight and unattractive. Anyway they were on a skiing holiday when his phone rang and as he was busy she answered it. It was the girlfriend’s mother saying her daughter had just given birth. My friend nearly passed out.
This child is now 2 years old and my friend is still with her husband. My friend is exceedingly laid back but even she says the strain is unbelievable Firstly she earns more than the husband and indirectly her wages now go to this child as the husband can’t always meet has half of the mortgage so she has to carry him and the husband is always of seeing the child. When it was first born it wasn’t too bad as he went only once a week but now he is interacting etc he goes twice a week and stays over on a Saturday leaving my friend alone. My friend under duress but for the sake of her marriage tried to involve the child into her life but as soon as the mother heard about this she stopped this happening. I do not trust her husband in any way and would imagine they sleep together when he goes over at the weekends although he always says the mother of child is out working etc. This situation is never ever going to go away and if anything is going to get worse. I do not know how she copes with this but she has said that she is terrified of being on her own and she would lose too much financially if she separated
My feeling from your story is that you took him back because of the abortion and this is how I would have felt too. Now there is a child and ok he has been deceived I don’t know if I could stand it. As some of the other Aunts have said if you have children with this man they will have a half brother or sister and this is something you would have to accept. As you have had to undergo counseling as this has obviously upset you so much I do not think it is something you can easily get over if at all. I do not like to give this kind of answer but for your own piece of mind going forward I would get rid o this man and find someone without any baggage. I wish you te very best of luck.
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A
female
reader, DiovanLestat + ♥, writes (25 June 2008):
 You have no role in this. Your husband decided to make a baby with this other woman, he is the child's father. If he is in doubt about the paternity then he needs to get a DNA test done. But if he is the father he has a duty to pay support to this woman and child until it comes of age.
Seeing as you have decided to work on your marriage and forgive your husband, you will suffer as the money for this child will be coming out of the household budget and will mean there is less money for any children you may have. Your own child (when you have one) will have a half brother or sister and if you and your husband decide to remain in contact with this woman and child, you will have may have to allow your own child to see them.
I only have one question, did you go back to him because she had an abortion. How do you feel now about your marriage knowing he has a child. Please update, I'd be interested to know your feelings on the subject. It dosen't sound very good if your suffering depression and your mental health is affected by this situation.
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