A
female
age
41-50,
*mily_c_
writes:Hi everyone,I was hoping for a bit of advice on the subject of the boundries between porn, and cheating. I would especially appreciate a male perspective, although all answers are welcome.The problem is this. My husband, as like a lot of other men, watches porn. I don't have a problem with this, but he has, in my opinion crossed over a line that boarders on cheating. He has been going onto web cam sites, where you can watch women live on their web cams, and chat with them. Is this cheating, or am I over reacting??? We have split up as I had asked him previously not to go on those sites. The last time he'd been on them (before the chat thing was on the website, so it was just watching) I asked him to stop going on it as it was hurtful to me. That was ten months ago, and he has recently been on again. Thank you for listening, and I am awaiting your valued advice, Emily
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female
reader, grace.85  +, writes (14 November 2009):
i have problem this with my husband...my husband now is in gergia and me here in mississippi i check his email and i found out he regesteret a site like this and the worst is need to spent money to talk this girl and see them nake or do whtever u request..i acces the site coz i know the password and i found out wht they doing like a private chat tht the girl will talk to u nauhgty ,they get naked and show all over their body...lasttime i talk one of the girl tht on my husband favorate list and i pretend im my husband and the girl call my husband name tht she miss him she ask if i want to play again in private...its really breaking my heart and today i made other account and pretend guy i search this girl and chat and see tht my husband is chatting with her also at same time coz i know his username...and i called his phone he dnt answer then he se txt tht he was outside smoking wht alie....i still calm down..and they goto private chat so i join with them i really saw the girl getting naked masturbate and worst thing its really hurt untill now i dnt know wht to do....
A
female
reader, Emily_c_ +, writes (10 November 2009):
Emily_c_ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thank you for your answers. Just to clarify, the chat was not on that particular site the first time he went on it, and they could not see him, so he was just watching.The second time he was searching for chat rooms and because it now has chat on it, the site came up in the search ( I've checked this myself to be sure ) I just started an evening job and he wanted to talk to someone as I was not there. He has told me that he only chatted, and nothing more. Don't know how truthful he was about this though????He may have ADHD, ( he is about to start medication ) and one of the symptoms of this is reckless actions, and no thought of consiquenses, as well as a lessened social ability as to right and wrong.I have listened to your answers and it has helped to have other peoples opinions, although I am still pondering the situation a little! thank you.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (9 November 2009):
 We all rationalize things to make them acceptable.
With regular porn, the woman ain't real. She is not a person but an image. She has no mind, can't talk, does not breath and is probably air-brushed to hell and back.
With live-chat, that doesn't apply. He TALKS to her and isn't that what husband and wive should do? If he now talks with porn, jacks of with porn, then what are you? His cleaner?
So, yeah, I can understand this might cross a line for you.
I don't really have any advice on how to deal with this. Personally I don't think such actions are acceptable. It crosses the line from "men like to look" to something else, coming very close to going to a hooker.
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A
male
reader, tux +, writes (9 November 2009):
 I will say the cheating aspect will need to be determined on the content of their chats. It could very well be innocent friendly chatting but then again I'm most likely to conclude it is the emotional cheating aspect of cheating and seeking out another girl..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2009): Dear Emily Iknow this may or may not help. But i think that porn is just porn no matter where or how you get it. the ultamate question is did he ever meet up. or did he ever talk to them. because if he did then i do think that that is cheating but if he just .... (you know) then i think it is just porn. i would ask him if he ever talked to them or used a cam because that would be to far. If not then i would give him the benifit of dbout and it was jus porn. i hope this helped. hanna
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2009): If you want to drive your point home to your husband about the discomfort you feel, do the same in return. When he is home go on the computer and start interacting with men via webcam and see what he says.
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (9 November 2009):
 Hey Emily, I personally think that there is a very, very fine line between looking at porn and cheating on your significant other.
If my husband was to look at porn, i wouldn't class that as cheating, it is just visual stimulation. If he were to talk to women over the internet, watch them naked and all sorts related to that situation, then I'd class that as cheating emotionally and 1 step away from physically. Just because he isn't in a room with the woman in question, doesn't mean its ok. If he was sitting in a diner or cafe with this woman having a sexually explicit conversation with this woman, it'd be just as hurtful as the web chat and absolutely not right.
Cheating emotionally is cheating full stop. If the guy isn't getting enough from your relationship and feels he needs to talk to these women, then he's not in the right relationship, especially if it is making you unhappy.
I'm sure if he found you talking to some hot naked guy on the internet he'd not be happy with it. It works both ways.
I'd never do that to my husband and i'd expect him to grant me the same respect.
I don't know if you'll ever be able to get past the porn with this guy, but you've every right to be upset about it.
xxx
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