A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Before I start, let me just say, I am not a woman of the world. I didn't lose my virginity until my wedding night, aged 24. Me and my husband have been married 12 years now and are still very much in love. The problem is our sex life. It is very standard but I want it to be so much more.Sometimes my husband makes suggestions, and I'm not sure if he is joking or making it seem like a joke so that I don't take offense. Everytime he suggests something I just laugh but inside I'm screaming yes yes. I really want to just let loose but I worry that I shouldn't. I worry that if he knew what went on in my head everytime he "jokes" about something he would think I am loose.I guess what I'm asking is how would men feel if they joked about something sexual and their partner said yes? Is he joking or does he really want me to do those things? He's never really suggested we change anything in bed, I wonder if he's just shy about asking as I am about telling?I really want to explore our sex life alot more, but will he think of me if I opened up?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (2 May 2017):
 Go for it, but small changes at a time. Don't go full steam ahead. Just try something new every time you have sex. I mean he is your husband so surely you can both talk to each other. Him joking really is his way off telling you what he wants. So joke back.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 April 2017):
 Why would he think you are loose? You were a virgin until you married him, that's the opposite of loose. What exactly do you define as "loose" yourself?
You mean you think only slutty women have a sexual appetite? Do you know, that this way of thinking is a part of how the patriarchy controlled women? To deny them any sexual satisfaction, to even deny that women had a sexual appetite, because frankly... we were like house pets, not supposed to be thinking creates of our own and CERTAINLY not supposed to think and act like men... Oh God no...
But truth is, as becomes more and more accepted as women gain more equality in society (not yet equal, but at least gained a tiny bit more than 50 years ago..), is that women have the EXACT SAME sexual appetite as men.
It's not slutty. It's not loose. It's not whorish. It's natural. It's part of being a human. And women have every right to want sexual acts, just the same as men do.
Claim your right to a satisfying sex life. And if anyone dares to think of you as loose, or anything else, then that only reflects their stupidity and ignorance. Besides, what goes on between you and your husband in bed is between the two of you and no one else. And why should your husband think of you in any negative way if you express your sexual needs? Has he expressed that he believes women should only lay still like mattress and never enjoy themselves?
You could try to ask him: What would you think of me, if I said I wanted to try different sexual things? Or, what do you think of women who want to try .... and ... in bed?
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (29 April 2017):
He's joking hoping you will say yes. The next time he "jokes" about something that interest you tell him you are interested in exploring it with him. He'll thank you and you'll thank you.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (29 April 2017):
I can't imagine he is joking unless it is something completely outlandish. He feels the same way about your sex life and, like you, would like to become adventurous. What we have here is a major failure to communicate! He doesn't want to make you uncomfortable with his suggestions and probably doesn't want to reveal his inner-kink, so he is just throwing the idea out there - and you are laughing at it!!! So you are keeping him from even going to second base with his desires. As for you, you are still at home plate, looking down to first base but are afraid to even swing the bat. My friend, adventurous sex can make you marriage so much better!!! You're not alone in wanting some kink in your sex life but being afraid to take the necessary steps. Here's my suggestion on what easy, low-courage move you might be comfortable enough to make: The next time he suggests something and you laugh, the next day remind him of his comment, and tell him that you are really curious and very possibly open to what he might have in mind. If he tells you and you are into it, great! Go for it. If it doesn't exactly match your fantasies, Tell him you love his idea but want to do it but with some twists. Then, go out to an adult store or wherever you need to go to find any products needed to create this situation...this will tell him that you are not only on board but enthusiastic! Please do this! You are going to find that your life can be so much improved and you can be even more in love with him than you ever thought. I'm here rooting for you!!!!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 April 2017):
 OH and OP,
I forgot to mention that the whole sex drive going from 5 to 10 ( or 100) is normal - Us women peek MUCH later than males when it comes to libido and desire.
As for wanting to try new things, it means you TRUST your partner. Which again is a good thing.
You are pretty normal OP - and having a kink or two.. normal too.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 April 2017):
Just start out with "little-added" things. Don't try and go full blown on him. Wine him and dine him, and then suggest you try a new thing. If YOU want to take lead, do it. Just remember you have to be comfortable and HE has to be comfortable. Maybe start with blindfold, silk scarfs for tying him to the bed, I don't know.. you have to think on that .
See what you like, see what he likes and where it takes you. My biggest advice though is to STICK to one simple rule - BE OK with saying no and him saying no (and don't add other people to the mix, this is you and your husband's little adventure.)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2017): OP Here.
@Honeypie, you have pretty much hit the nail on the head with your dominatrix comparison. It IS like that. My sex drive, and fantasies have gone from a 5 to a 10 overnight. And it all happened due to one suggestion where he 'joked' about taking naked pictures of me. My mind has been on a sexual rampage ever since and I feel like I want to do EVERYTHING NOW!!
This is quite a shocking change for me, can you imagine how it would be for my husband? As you say, who is this woman?
As for communication, I think we've both always been a little shy when it comes to sex. Mainly because of me and my upbringing, but I really feel like I'm ready to bloom but I'm afraid to just do it.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (28 April 2017):
 He will think 'Great, my wife is very adventurous in bed. My gosh hasn't this sex improved'.
You said it yourself it is 'Standard'. But the thing is, YOU are holding it back by the sound of things. I really don't think your husband would complain if things got dirtier in the bedroom .
If even you think it's dull when you've had one sexual partner then I'm pretty sure someone who's had multiple will feel the same.
Honeypie is right in saying surely you can communicate with someone you're having sex with. Talk to each other.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (28 April 2017):
He will think 'Great, my wife is very adventurous in bed. My gosh hasn't this sex improved'.
You said it yourself it is 'Standard'. But the thing is, YOU are holding it back by the sound of things. I really don't think your husband would complain if things got dirtier in the bedroom .
If even you think it's dull when you've had one sexual partner then I'm pretty sure someone who's had multiple will feel the same.
Honeypie is right in saying surely you can communicate with someone you're having sex with. Talk to each other.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2017): I think he is bringing these things up to see if u are into spicing things up. But it would help to know more specifics. Is he just suggesting more passionate movea inbed, or something kinkier? I think he wants you to get in touch wih your wild side.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2017): I think he's dying for you to open up! He wants a more exciting sex life and so do you! So what's stopping you?
Mention something he suggested and ask him, 'Were you serious about wanting to try that?' and see what he says.
He would not be bringing these suggestions up if he didn't want to try them.
Men generally love sex. I bet you anything you like he will be thrilled and as pleased as punch if you actually took what he's suggesting seriously instead of laughing.
He must be wondering what he's got to do to get you to open up. Talk to him, ask him which one out of all the suggestions he's made to you would he like to try the most? Anything to get the conversation going.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 April 2017):
I think this is actually a common problem for people who have had fewer partners (in your case, only one). You grow in so many ways WITH your partner but you also have some growth on your own, you have curiosity and fantasies that are YOURS.
You are afraid he might think "badly" about you if you suggest something new, maybe a little kink or two. BUT... HERE is the thing, WHO better to EXPLORE your sexuality with than him? Now if you go from VERY vanilla to leather clad Dominatrix overnight I can see a partner (your husband) going WTF who IS this woman?! But who not have a weekend that is kids-free (if you have kids) and make a nice meal share a bottle of wine and TALK sex and fantasies. You CAN set boundaries together, like NO adding other people and being allowed to turn a suggestion down. There is some rather fun novelty "sex- board games" or "dice" you could purchase and have fun with.
I think he is bringing stuff up to see how you react, maybe because he wants to try stuff but is as WORRIED as you have been about bringing it up.
OP, We ALL have kinks. Some are mellow, some are not. Sharing them with your partner can be fun and who knows you might learn something about your partner you didn't know before. Just go slow, do a little "research", start easy (like erotic massages) and move "up" to more "advanced' things.
The only thing you REALLY need to do is TALK to him. IF you can HAVE sex, you can TALK about it. Just make sure you TELL him you aren't UNHAPPY with how things are now, you just would like to try new things WITH him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2017): He wants it to be more saucy as much as you do..text him a saucy MSG ..he will love it...take a chance sarcasm and joking about is the way to tell the truth
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