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How will I find a boyfriend when I'm not happy with my physical appearance?

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Health, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 August 2015) 2 Answers - (Newest, 31 August 2015)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I am a 28 year old African American woman.

Without sounding petty I just want to come right out and say this, I do not find myself physically attractive. I feel this way about my face and body.

The main reason is I was morbidly obese, very unhealthy, and did not take care of myself from about age 13-25.

So a good chunk of my life. I had very unfit and mentally ill parents who neglected me and beat me, then through out my adult life I continued a horrid lifestyle.

For the past 3 years I've been doing much better. I've been working with a great trainer at a gym and I cook myself healthy meals always. I've managed to lose 170 pounds. I've been seeing a therapist who has been much help also. I'm very proud of myself.

Back to my main point, I don't find myself physically attractive.

This is for many reasons including my massive weight loss that's left me with saggy skin, being African American and having been told by ex's that men prefer white women, always being told by my parents that I'm ugly, the list can go on.

And again I am not trying to be petty but I've always (and still am) having a very hard time with how I look.

I want to eventually find a boyfriend, but how will that happen when I'm not happy with myself physically?

Do you have any advice for me?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2015):

I hate how I look. I'm white and my hair is dark, so my body hair shows up a lot - like excessive stomach and back hair, as well as dark toe and arm hair. I'm also very overweight for similar reasons to you and have just restarted my journey to a healthier lifestyle. I'm nearly twice the weight I should be, but I somehow managed to find a guy who loves me and my body. Neither of us have any confidence in ourselves, so we find each other attractive, but feel uncomfortable when complimented by the other one (or anyone else, to be fair).

I'd suggest (safe) online dating and putting your body details out there from the get-go because anyone not attracted to you, doesn't have to reject you in person, you can delete any nasty messages without reading them and anyone who still wants to know you appears to be a decent guy (provided you still use caution, as with any stranger) because they're attracted to you.

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A male reader, BrownWolf Canada +, writes (31 August 2015):

BrownWolf agony aunt

Hello my dear,

If you cannot love yourself for who you are, and how you look, how do you plan to love a guy for who he is, and how he looks???? It all starts with you. Imagine people like a ripe juicy fruit...like a mango. What do you go after??? The skin of the mango? Or do you peel away the skin to get to the sweet, juicy inside???

Same as people...skin is just that...skin. The real person, the real beauty of that person is on the inside. You can be the most beautiful woman in the world, with the greatest body ever, an still be single if you are a bit*h.

The point is...how you look and who you are, is not the same. So many people believe if they look good, then everything will be good. Nope...But if you love people as you love yourself...then people will love you back. If you plant love, your harvest love. If you plant "I am not happy, I am sad, I am depressed"...What will you harvest then???

You cannot be unhappy with you, and find someone to make you happy with yourself. It starts with you...always.

Can you make a man happy? Can you do what it takes for a long lasting relationship? Can you rock his world? If you have all these skills, it does not matter if you are black or white...it matter simply as what kind of woman you are. Good enough to keep, and to sad and depressed to not have around.

Besides..Love has no colour or preference...it cares about one thing one....LOVE.

So to find a guy...be positive all the time...take all that bad feelings and punch it in the face. :))) When the guys see how confident you are...they will pay attention. :)))

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