A
female
age
36-40,
*eccamega
writes:i'm 26 and had planned to go back to study. I discovered I was pregnant a few months after getting laid off my job. Can things get any worse? My boyfriend wants to keep it but I'm not sure.I've been to counselling and it hasn't helped much. I'm 14 weeks and running out of time. I've been diagnosed with depression and I don't know who wouldn't be in this situation. I'm sick to death with struggling financially despite applying for loads of jobs.What to do? My boyfriends mother is christian and pro life, but ignores the fact that you need money in this situation. How do I tell her to back off a bit? My boyfriend also wants to keep it. None of my friends are having kids even at my age. I'm so depressed.
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female
reader, largentsgirl89  +, writes (17 June 2013):
 I have two beautiful children who I wouldn't trade for the world, I didn't plan the first one, I was only 19, but the decision to keep him was the best one I've ever made.
You have to do what is right for you. I've struggled along the way, but we've made it and looking at my son now i wouldn't change anything about it even if I could.
This is a personal decision that you have to come to on your own. Weigh the pros and the cons, what works best for you. Religious people say that things happen for a reason and while I'm not religious, I whole heartedly agree with that.
I believe everything happens for a reason and I sincerely wish you the best of luck.
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female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (12 June 2013):
People make life-changing decisions all the time without knowing how they will for sure feel about it. If you are choosing a certain career over another, you won't know how you will feel about it until years later when you are doing it. Even then, you won't know that you wouldn't have been happier with the other choice. Many people have had or not had abortions without having experienced having a child or an abortion before as well. I had an abortion without ever having had a child or an abortion. I had to make the decision with the information available to me and just my knowledge about my own values/beliefs/situation/feelings. There just isn't a way for you to live out each option and then make your choice. You have to just think rationally about the options, go with your gut, or something. Otherwise the way things are going, your decision will be made for you because you didn't make a decision. People make life-changing decisions all the time - you just make the decision to the best of your ability and then you make the best of it.
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female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (12 June 2013):
 Most women haven't had an abortion, but there are many who have. I know a few women who have had one, the first back in the 70s and the last I think about four years ago. While I haven't spoken to all of them at length about how they feel now, they all seem to have recovered from any initial trauma. I'm sure that they all occasionally think about the abortion that they had, but they all live their lives normally.
I don't mean to be flippant about it, but aborting a foetus in the early stages of pregnancy is not murder. It is not like you are taking a fully-grown baby that's alive and breathing by itself and murdering it. It is the beginning of a potential human life. However, as you know, the longer you leave it, the more that foetus develops and the more cruel it becomes. So I'm sorry to remind you but the clock is ticking. It's a choice you're just going to have to make. If you leave it for too long without making up your mind, the decision will be made for you by the fact that you will no longer be allowed to have an abortion.
I'm not trying to promote abortion here, not by a long shot, but you seem to be leaning towards it but frightened off by people's opinions about it. Other people's opinions do not really matter. This is none of their business. This is a choice that you need to make by yourself. Unfortunately you will only know if you can live with it when you are already living with it.
Sorry I can't be more helpful but none of us can tell you what you should do.
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female
reader, meccamega +, writes (12 June 2013):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm finding this difficult. And every place here refers you to a different counselor each time. I don't know what to do. I've never had an abortion or had a child.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2013): I would say in your situation, it's probably best to end the pregnancy or give the child up for adoption. You sound like you were barely keeping your head above water before you got pregnant. I don't believe all that stuff about once you become a parent the love you have for your kids will overcome all. No. love doesn't pay the bills and stop you getting evicted from your home if you don't. Love doesn't pay for medical care or food. People who are parents STILL get depressed, become alcoholics and drug addicts, commit suicide, whatever. Kids dont' get to choose the circumstances they are born into and raised in. they have to take whatever hand they are dealt with by the people who brought them into the world. Unstable homes, with upset or depressed parents, produce troubled kids. Troubled kids grow up unto adults with serious issues who harm others emotionally or even physically. The only ones who can stop the cycle is the people who have the choice whether or not to bring children into their circumstances (that and child protective services but that's a whole other issue).
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male
reader, bruce lee  +, writes (8 June 2013):
 I agree with Chigirl's last answer. It is fully your decision and it has to be about what YOU think is best. I am also from Australia and I know what you are getting at when you say the media is always being nasty to women who delay their choice to have kids. But the fact is we can't influence you one way or the other. It has to be your decision. Remember that it is a cruel world, so bringing a child into it is always a risk. Good luck, and God bless.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 June 2013):
 What made it easy for me is thinking about this beforehand. Think about how you feel about pregnancy and abortion, because when you're having sex those are things you need to know. Because you run a risk of pregnancy. So by thinking about it long and hard, I have found out how I feel about abortions.
Of course, perhaps I will think differently once/if it happens, one never knows. But what really made my decision stand clear to me was knowing that I would always wonder what could have been, if I had an abortion. I'd always wonder. I'd always sit and think "he/she would have been this many years today", and I think I'd always know what date/time of month would have been their birthday. I'd always be there at the back of my mind. I know myself well enough to know that's what I would be thinking.
I also know this: if later in life it appears I wont get pregnant, for whatever reason, I WILL regret having had an abortion. What if this is your only chance to have a child? There are no guarantees you will have children later on in life. So if having children is important to you... will you regret having an an abortion if it turns out later on you can't have any children?
Don't have a child now because society thinks women shouldn't wait until they are older. BS. Don't have a child now because your boyfriend, or your mother in law, wants you to. Also BS. All of this is OTHER PEOPLES OPINION! You can not, and must not, live your life according to other peoples opinions. You will resent it if you do.
Only have this child if it is what you want, or if you can't handle an abortion.
My last point of argument when debating this with myself was: it is not the childs fault that I was reckless. Or that I took chances. Having sex is taking a chance at pregnancy. Always. When I decided to have sex, I decided I would take that chance. So to then have an abortion to me is like punishing someone else for my immaturity. If I was old enough to have sex I am old enough to have a child. I have a need to take responsibility for my actions, otherwise I can't face myself.
But it all depends on you, your personality. You're not me, you don't have to reason the way I do. So while abortion is out of the question for me, I am pro-choice. I think women should have this option, because for some it is absolutely necessary for them to have one. Because for them, their life might be ruined if they don't. Their values are not the same as mine, and they don't have to be the same as mine, they can still be good values. So, you need to reason with YOURSELF and find out who you are. The person you are is created through the actions you take and the decisions you make. Who are you, and who do you want to be?
You absolutely MUST stop bringing in the opinions of others. Society, your boyfriend, his mother. Their opinion is NOT of value in this. You are the one who has to live your life, not them, not society at large. YOU YOU YOU. And you are responsible for YOURSELF. Remember that. You need to do what is best for YOU. Not what is best for your boyfriend, or society at large. For you and only you.
So when you stop bringing in the opinions of others, what are you left with? What are YOUR thoughts? Go to the base, the core of your thoughts and of what makes you you. What are your thoughts?
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (7 June 2013):
Did you just have an abortion? Or is that just the way you worded your follow-up?
Anyway, based on what I'm reading I'm leaning towards terminating the pregnancy, because you really don't seem to know what to do in this situation. So if you don't think you handle it, I think it's best to abort. But it's very hard for us to tell you what you should do, since it's such a personal decision. But I've seen what having a child unprepared does to a mom (and the child) and it's not pretty. How far along are you (since you mentioned being further than you previously thought)?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2013): Here are your options:All bad with an unplanned pregnancy, and only you can decide what is best for you.1. Carry to term and keep.2. Carry to term and adopt out3. Abort.1. With the first one, your chances of staying together for 5 years is 2%. (google it.) So, you will end up raising a child by yourself. Babies are hard work, and you will be on the bath room floor with a shrieking kid you never wanted in tears and 3 am.... it demanding more, and you have no more to give. Guys don't really dig girls with other men's babies. Most women raise these children themselves, and do so poorly. As well, the children do poorer in school. 30% of white kids now grow up with just mom, and 62% of black ones do, and our graduation rate of those entering HS and those finishing has never ever been lower.2. If you adopt out, there is no guarantee that the family will even allow you in their lives... they can leave, and you might never be able to trace them. As well, there is no guarantee that any child will be cared for well.3. It is indeed your decision and your body. Abortion is legal because it is indeed not murder... there is no human involved. And you have the right to end a parasite up to about month 6. After that, we are talking something far different. At this point, you have a clump of cells. A zygote, or blastocyst is not human.... (And just as an OBTW, now, modern science can create human life with cells taken directly from your arm!!! So have you committed murder if you have a wart removed, and some skin cells come along with it???? ) The case against abortion by the religious right wing is just wrong, legally, and medically..., and no one has the right to push their religious ideas into your body, your doctor's office or into your bedroom.None of these is an easy decision. There isn't one. You must choose what is best for YOUR future. And you get to, only for a very short time.
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female
reader, meccamega +, writes (7 June 2013):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dint know how I would deal with abortion until it actually happened. How is anyone supposed to make a life changing decision, in just a few weeks?
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female
reader, meccamega +, writes (7 June 2013):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks I have been to counseling for a month and still completely confused. I'm finding making a decision extremely difficult. It's difficult to know if I could live with an abortion- because I've never had one before. How are you supposed to figure this out? It just feels like I've been contsantly very sick for 2 months. I feel confused with so many mixed messages. Especially with the media akways blaming women for leaving having kids too late. It doesn't help that I'm further along than what I was told. I've been to counseling for a month which hasn't cleared things up for me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): let's see. Let's say you end this pregnancy. Your bf will be upset, his mom will be upset. But guess what, they will move on pretty easily because ultimately their lives haven't changed much. You have your entire life at stake, they don't!! they have no right to tell you what you should do with YOUR body and the rest of YOUR life. take them out of the equation and make the decision as if they don't exist.
if your bf wants to keep the baby, ask him is he willing to take sole custody of the child and raise it entirely himself or mostly by himself?? No? then he he should shut up as he has no right to say he wants you to have this baby!! how dare he say he wants YOU to have "his" baby for him, and I presume also raise it for him and sacrifice your studies and other plans for your life while he makes only minimal changes to his.
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female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (6 June 2013):
What do you want? What will be best for you?
Your boyfriend may or may not be there for you and your baby. He can leave at anytime and most do. I wouldn't count on him being there or giving him any weight in this decision.
Is your mother going to help you care for the baby while you are going to school or work? Will she be okay with helping you out? Babies are forever, not until they are eighteen or old enough to care for themselves. Once you are a mother, everything changes and it's not about you anymore. Are you ready to handle that? To put another person's everything before your own?
I am 23 and I have two small children, a boy and a girl. My son's father abandoned us and then died when he was 18 and I was 19. I'm with an amazing man now, but I struggled there for a while, but I wouldn't trade my kids for the world.
The decision to become a mother is a profound, personal and life changing decision. There is a lot that goes into being a mother. You have to decide what is right for you. Not your mom, not your boyfriend, you. You are the one that is going to have to be there for your baby, should you decide to keep it. Don't be pressured. This is your decision.
What do YOU want?
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (6 June 2013):
Ignore what your mom and boyfriend want for a moment and focus on yourself. You're the one who is going to take care of this child for +/-20 years if you have it. Your boyfriend may stay, he may not. So don't factor in his wishes into the equation, since he's not a guaranteed stable presence in this child's life. My sisters boyfriend promised her the world and kept babbling about being a dad during her pregnancy. He left her when her son was a month old. Your mom may be pro life and all, but she's already raised you and she may not want to shoulder much of the care for your child.
In the end it's going to be you. So what is important right now is that you do what YOU want. You're not just deciding your child's future, but your own as well. You are going to have to live with whatever you decide.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): Since your bf and his mother want this baby so much, ask them if they are willing to be primary caretakers for the baby while you go and find work and continue to develop your career or other life plans? Something tells me not. Something tells me they are not going to support your wishes for your own life or respect your feelings, and they want not just for you to have this baby, but they also want you to live your life a certain way too and fit some roles they have in mind for you (like being a stay at home mom, whether you want to or not). Why do I think this? Oh, I don't know, maybe it's something to do with how they are right now invalidating your feelings and wants and replacing it with their own, when you're the one who is closest to the situation and going to bear the greatest burden and pay the highest cost to give them what they want.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): It sounds like everyone wants you to keep the baby, except you. Well, it is your body, and you are the one with the most to gain or lose by having this baby. Not your boyfriend (as the father, he's not the one taking health risks, and after the baby's birth he likely won't be the one whose life will be affected to the degree yours will as this society is still unfair towards working mothers but not towards working fathers). And certainly not his mother.Do what YOU feel is best. You can always have kids later in life, when the circumstances are better. Also realize that if you have THIS baby, you are tying yourself to your boyfriend and his family forever, even if the relationship between you two goes sour at some point in the future. Also, IMO people who would pressure a woman into giving birth, are only in it for themselves and what makes them feel good and don't care about you, even though you are the one who will bear the most burden, for the longest time, and will pay the highest cost. such people are not respectable.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2013): You've found yourself in a very tough spot and I really do hope you have the strength to make it through this...Biggest question - are you emotionally ready to be a mother? Are you in a place where you will give your all to raising a child?If the answer is yes, then I'd say have the baby. As someone else has already said, financial situations change. I'm sure your boyfriend and his mother will do everything they can financially and practically for the baby. So you will have support from them at least. Would your own family be in a position to help?As for your own situation, have you considered online learning? Depending on what you want to study, that's increasingly feasible. If not, then you also have the option to study part time. Again, family will rally around to help you out for a couple of years while you get back on your feet.Regarding what your friends are up to - that's not a big deal where they're at in their lives. As we grow older, our paths start to diverge and we make different choices at each stage. It's ok not to conform. Don't let that influence your decision. It's your life, not theirs.As for your relationship with your boyfriend are you both ready for marriage as it stands? Have you reached that stage in your lives where you know you want to spend forever together? If that is the case, I'd say get married - that way you have some peace of mind about finances because you will be pooling resources and you will have some level of stability. You will also have somebody to look after the baby with.I think you should keep it if forgetting everything else, you feel emotionally ready to look after another life with no resentment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2013): Please do what is best for you. I was made to have a baby, then when my son was only 18 months old, my husband left me.In my case he did not even want to see his son nor pay any maintenance.So I ended up raising my baby all on my own without any financial or moral support. I love my son but he has suffered from depression due to rejection from his dad.Children do not keep parents together and they suffer at the end of the day.I agree with Auntie PERSON12345; babies are for life but there is no guarantees that your boyfriend will be with you. Please follow your heart and do what is only best for you, do not listen to anti-abortion people. It is your body, your life.Only have a baby when you are ready.All the best.
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female
reader, kirra07 +, writes (5 June 2013):
It's a really tough decision, and either choice you make will be hard. I had an unplanned pregnancy and I went back and forth on what I should do. I debated back and forth between abortion and having it. When I thought I had settled on one, I started thinking the other choice was better. Because either way wasn't a perfect option. If I kept it, it would be financially hard for me, I felt too young to have a baby. And if I had an abortion, I felt I would be wondering about what would have been my child. In the end, I did settle on abortion, but it was hard for awhile. Even now, I do wonder what it would be like if I had kept it. I know now that I could have handled it, but I think it was still the best decision for me.
My point is that, this decision will be hard. But you are running out of time to make it. You need to make your decision, whatever it is, and stick to it. And don't listen to his mom, it isn't her body and life, it's yours. She really shouldn't even have known about the pregnancy, unless you and your bf had decided to keep it and then tell her about it.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (5 June 2013):
Okay. Stop for a minute. You're focusing on the wrong things.
Studies, mother in law, finances, jobs etc.
Take all that out of he equation. Those things are to be considered if you're PLANNING for a child. Should we have a child now? Yes, no? Pros, cons? That's where these things fit in. But you're not PLANNING for a child, you're already pregnant. You're past that stage. So forget those things.
This is the question you need to answer now:
Can you live with having had an abortion? You are already feeling down by being pregnant, but many women suffer depression after an abortion. It is a big deal, and it can haunt you for life. Or, it could be something you will feel okay about. But I'm thinking, if you were the type who would be OKAY with an abortion, it wouldn't have been a question. You'd have had one already. Because of the reasons mentioned above.
The reasons mentioned above are still the same, but your question now is more about: Will the benefit of a child compensate for the financial mess I will be in? Which is the wrong question. The question is: can you live with having had an abortion? Or will you forever wonder what eye colour your baby would have had?
You're 26. Your financial status will change. Finances are not static, they change. You might end up being broke for several years. You might be fortunate and land a great job in 5 years. Your 4-year old would then have everything you want to give him/her. So, take the finances out of the equation. Financial situations CHANGE. Do you think all those who are bankrupt with children wish they never had children? No? Then if they don't calculate children as a cost, neither should you. You can do that calculation if you are planning to perhaps get pregnant, not when you already are.
The question is only this.. if you can live with having an abortion or not. And you know the answer. I think you are worried you are making a big mistake, because you worry you will regret having had the abortion. And in that case, I would encourage you to do the right thing for YOU: keep the child. Fix the finances later. But of course, only you know the true answer to that question.
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reader, Relationship.Chef +, writes (5 June 2013):
 There are couple of scenarios.
One, you keep the baby and the boyfriend.
Two, you lose them both.
Which one will you choose?
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (5 June 2013):
 It seems pretty clear you know what is best for you in this situation and you should do it. A boyfriend might not be forever, but a child is. You need to make the choice that is best for you here. If your boyfriend can't cope with that, he's not the right boyfriend for you.
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reader, Got Issues +, writes (5 June 2013):
I'm sorry for you. You're in a very difficult situation and the pressure of time doesn't help. This is probably the hardest decision you'll ever make and you need to make it fast.If you keep this child, you will struggle financially. You will no doubt love the child and once it's in the world, you'll never wish him/her gone. But life will be tough. How much money has your boyfriend got? Does he earn enough for you to bring a child into the world? What state benefits are available to parents? Would you still pursue your studies? There are many people who have children and bring them up with the help of grandparents/extended family while they work or study. If you choose to give the child up for adoption, you will have to go through pregnancy and childbirth and then push all your instincts aside and let your baby be taken away, knowing that someone else is going to bring it up. It might have a better life than you can offer, it might have a difficult life. You wouldn't know until your child came looking for you with some very difficult questions to answer. If you choose to abort the pregnancy, you will have to live with that. You can't know how you'll feel about it until it's done. There may be complications and there is a small risk of future infertility. If you choose abortion, then be prepared that you might lose your relationship, depending how strongly your boyfriend feels about it. I know people who have gone down all those roads for whatever reason. I know a girl who found out she was pregnant on the same day as she found out her boyfriend had been cheating on her and had got at least two other girls pregnant (that's Britain for you) and she kept the baby, despite having two other children and struggling for money, and she has a hard life but she is happy and her daughter is lovely. Another friend, same age, fell pregnant and had an abortion and says that, although she has to live with the what ifs of her decision, she made the right choice. I don't like abortion (does anyone actually like it?) but I'm definitely not against it. I see it as a necessary evil. I remember a friend I had at school. We had to debate abortion and euthanasia and she just kept repeating "It's wrong because only God can take away life". She had no argument beyond that, nothing solid at all. Does your boyfriend's mother have an argument beyond God?Your boyfriend has more say in this than his mother, who has no say. I'm sorry, I'm sure it would be devastating for her if you were to have an abortion because that would be her grandchild, but this is NOT about her at all. Your boyfriend is the father and you should definitely take his opinion into account, but ultimately you have to make the choice. I thought I was pregnant last summer after a relationship ended and my first thought was to have an abortion. There was little hesitation and, though it turned out I wasn't pregnant, I'm fairly certain I would have gone through with it. I'm not saying that's what you should do, I'm just saying that if you decide to have an abortion, it doesn't make you a bad person. It might be selfish but you have to be selfish sometimes. Your boyfriend and his mother are also being selfish. They're thinking about what THEY want, not what might be more sensible for you.Whatever you choose it will change your life in some way. Just don't let yourself be pressured into anything.
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