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How to live with a liar and a cheater? Do they change?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 October 2009) 7 Answers - (Newest, 1 March 2012)
A female France age 41-50, *rench woman writes:

I love my husband and my 3 children dearly. I thought we had a happy family in 23 years. We are both French and live in US. He is 56 and me 43. I am a teacher at school. One day I found out my husband had a mistress in Asian in years. He went to online dating website chated with many women there. He chosen one nice girl to built relationship and felt in love with her. He spent so much time to chase her and sent her gilfs, love letters to move her heart. One day his mistress found out he was married, she found me in face book and wrote to me told me all the story and left him.

He flew there to meet her several times in person and stayed with her about 10 days each time. They traveled and made love together.

I could not believe this is true. But it is true. I alos found out before this girl he also had other mistress in other Asian country, but I do not have real proofs. How can my loving, caring husband can be a cheater and great liar? When I confront of him, he still tried to lie and hide the truth and blamed all on his mistress.

Do you think a my husband, who have wonderful to cheat and lie to me in years can change? He made love and loved other girls and played a happy family with me?

How do you think about this kind of man? He bestrayed me 23 year marriage, and he said he felt so sorry and guilty when he got caught. Why he did not felt guilty before he got caught? If his mistress did not tell me the truth I will never know I have been living with a great cheater and liar in 23 years.

Please help me through this nightmare. How can a husband I love so much bestrayed me and my children like this?

I could not trust in him now. How can I continue spend the rest of my life with him? He destroyed all the sweet memories between us.

Why I am so hurt????? Do you think the man like him can change? Honestly I can not trust in him when He said to me he was so sorry and guilty and love me so so much and wanted me give him a chance to come back a good husband and father.

I tried to trust him but I can not? This happened 3 moths and I think I can not forgive him. Please give me an advice.

View related questions: liar, mistress

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2012):

It is very hard I am dealing with a liar and a cheater, who say he is sorry for the hurt and pain. I don't think a cheater and a liar will change they don't have a reason to because the relationship is destroyed by lies and cheating.

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A male reader, Cheater rx United Kingdom +, writes (29 August 2010):

I am so sorry for what you are going through, the thing about it is I am married to the best looking girl in the world and she made 3 beautful girls for me.Why people cheat, I don't know but I been cheating on her for the past 9 years with this younger person and I only know the hurt when after nine years the girl cheated on me.Why?? I was cheating I really can't tell you but what you have to do is get the strenght to move on. yes leave him, i beg you we cheaters don't deserve women like you. I am sorry and in the UK we have a saying what goes around comes back around. you will learn to love and live again it will be very , very hard but you must, must do it. I am sayng sorry for all the sick men like me. trust in God for the strenght and he will give you.

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A female reader, Jayney Y Australia +, writes (25 October 2009):

Jayney Y agony auntYour 'wife' (you seem to be the same person?), posted yesterday. The only person you really care about is yourself, and if the wife divorces you and you end up with nothing, it's exactly what you deserve. You need to get some perspective on your own behaviour and stop treating other people as accessories to your self-delusion.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2009):

I feel very sorry for you after reading your story. I know exactly how you feel because i am going through the same nightmare. After twenty years of marrage my wife had an affair with a married man and it has dstroyed our once very happy marrage. Personally i think cheating is one of the most despicable hurtful things one human being can do to another and there is absolutely no excuse for it. For me the saddest thing was the fact that my wife was not the person that i thaught she was. When the person you love the most in this world can betray you like that things can never be the same again. Once that special trust that a loving couple have is gone then there is noting left. My wife says that she deeply regrets all the hurt she has caused to me and our children and that she still loves me. I have now come to the conclusion that i am better off out of this bullshit marrage so i am going to end it. Life is to short to live with a soulmate that can stab you in the back. Whatever you decide to do i wish you well

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A female reader, Jayney Y Australia +, writes (24 October 2009):

Jayney Y agony auntA lot of men think that they have the right to deceive and manipulate their wife into living a lie, having a comfortable, loving homelife whilst giving a huge part of themselves to someone else. What makes it worse is that they often can't understand why what they're doing is so wrong, they have a "what the wife doesn't know won't hurt her" attitude. They're unable to understand the devastation that their behaviour causes to their spouse because their own feelings are so shallow. Personally I think that sort of behaviour is bordering on sociopathic, and it's unlikely that the person will change their ways. You can look at it in either of two ways, it can be twenty three years of marriage that you don't want to throw away, or it can be twenty three years of deceit and manipulation. You could try counselling if you thought it might help, but forgiving someone who shows such contempt for their marriage vows and such disrespect for their spouse is an uphill battle that can go on for years and then still end in divorce.

I hope you manage to find your way through it :)X

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A female reader, harlebabe United States +, writes (24 October 2009):

I wish I could help you !! I been reading this site and seeing the same thing that I am dealing with. But me and my husband are sleeping in separate bedrooms and we are going to see who we want to. I don't like it, but he is not going to stop seeing her. Its like he cant make that choose. We both can not make this house payment ourself. So we are being room mates. But in the end I am going to get me ducks in a roll and I am going to figure out how I am going to keep this house by myself. And I will kick his ass out !!! I love him and I wish that he would stop, I would love to try to find away to trust him. And I do believe that I could if I could see it in him.

I wish I could help you. I feel your pain !!

Pam

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A female reader, sunnycomet Canada +, writes (24 October 2009):

sunnycomet agony auntAnd you can't forgive him then you need to let him go. (They only change if they want to. Usually be staying they won't change.)

Good Luck!

(If you feel he is really trying then give it a little more time and see how you feel.)

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