A
female
age
41-50,
*iffers
writes: I have been driven to the point of almost insanity because my ex could not be honest. I later found out he was extremely sociopathic, was a pathological liar, and that every time I had an instinct that he was not telling me the truth about something I was always right. He lied several several times about his ex fuck buddy and said "I only had sex with her one time and that number isn't going to change no matter how many times you ask me!" Well, turns out that was a complete lie and he had had an extensive ongoing relationship with her. He lied because he assumed that if he told me the truth about his involvement with her that I would want her eliminated from our lives. He also lied because he knew it was not an appropriate relationship that should have been keeping around, but sociopaths feel a huge sense of entitlement, no matter who gets drug through the mud along the way. Honestly, I don't believe that a truly respectful man is going to keep those things hanging around and would have gotten rid of this past ex on his own accord. I tried very hard to give him the benefit of the doubt but he was not a good man, and wasn't an honest man, at least not to me. He lied about another girl and said she had only given him a bj once. I found out that was a lie and that he had slept with her several times and she would offer sex, and in return he would do work on her fireplace. Also lied about another girl and said he had only gotten a back massage from her because she was a masseuse. That turned out to be another lie and found out he had slept with her in the past. His past started to unfold before me in a very ugly light and although it sickened me to find out what a pig he had been in his past, every time he lied to me about these things it just made me want to dig deeper and deeper. I never wanted to judge him on things he had done in his past to be clear, I would not want to be judged for my past, for I have been no saint. But what I can't accept is that he couldn't be honest. He would lie to cover up another lie. I think he started almost believing his lies they got so bad. He said to me once, Well then I intercepted his ex calling at 3am, texting him non-stop, and he got a facebook account that I was the last to know about. When I did get his facebook password which he was stupid enough to give me; sure enough, here was his ex, the first person he had friended in there, and messages saying how much she loved him and missed him so much. Me, his own gf was the last to know! But this was just his "friend" and that he had the chance to be with her and they didn't work in a relationship, and that it was me he wanted and not her, blah, blah, blah. Well it never was a relationship he ever wanted from her in the first place, it was sex. I was lied to thousands of times, lies on top of lies. I ended up dumping him because I just couldn't function with all the lies that had been told in our relationship. Then I was stupid enough to take him back after he had apologized for having had lied to me and promised he was going to be "brutally" honest from that point on. Needless to say the lying continued, he said he had not contacted her while we had been split up and I found her number in his phone bill after having snooped through it. If you think you are being lied to, chances are you are being lied to. That feeling isn't there for no reason and I can totally relate to this feeling of wanting to know the truth. I cannot say I would have been thrilled had he told me the truth of his past involvement with his ex, but its the lie that never sat well with me. I would rather have the brutal, honest truth and be hurt, just as long as its the truth. I can work with the truth, I cannot work with a lie. Lies to me are worse because I cannot wrap my mind around them because I am not a liar. I could not lie to save my life. I had always trusted him and believed in him up until I was lied to. Once that seed of deception had been planted very bad things grew out of it. I turned into a person that I normally am not, looking through his phone when he would be outside, intercepting his phone bills, checking his facebook account, etc. When that is not how I want to live my life. You shouldn't be with someone that you cannot be honest with and you shouldn't be with someone that you cannot trust. I later found out he had cheated, banged married women in his past, and basically was nothing that he had claimed to be. What saddened me the most is if he had really told me the truth about these things I would have respected him and had a lot of forgiveness and understanding. This wasn't brought on because I was insecure like he continually accused me of being,accusing me of being jealous and crazy, it was brought on by being furious about having been lied to. I am an extremely honest person and expect the same in return and did not get that from him. He could have told me the truth. If you really love someone you will not be capable of hurting them with lies. That was hard for me to accept, the realization that I had never meant the same to him as he had meant to me. Another thing I have learned is that lies go hand-in-hand with cheating. Where there is one there is always the other. If you have a liar you have a cheater as well. Very few exceptions to this rule. If you believe otherwise then you are an idiot. I cannot believe if you look someone right in their eyes and lie right to their face that you would not cheat as well. I was blinded with my rose-colored glasses for waaaay too long. I have been so hurt in so many ways and am suffering greatly in all of this nonsense. It is really hard for me to get closure from this because I just cannot understand it. Why is this so hard when I know in my heart I deserve better than what he put forth in the relationship? Is it possible that it was just me he felt couldn't be honest with? I just want closure and it has been a really long time and it keeps coming up in my heart, the anger, sadness, betrayal...I wish I had never met him. Any helpful insight? I thought of showing up at his house and asking him for an explanation but fear he would only continue to lie, so what good would that do? How do I resolve this in my heart and move on?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tiffers +, writes (10 November 2010):
Tiffers is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for this response. I needed to hear that and need to keep reminding myself he will never change. Never. He had literally every characteristic of a sociopath and had several on the abuser also. But he is so cunning, he was always careful not to show his true violent side. It very seldom came out but i knew it was lurking inside. Yeah, I really am not losing anything with losing this guy. He was a real loser all around, broke my heart a million times. So, thank you so much for all the kind words and thoughtful responses! This has really helped me sort through this. He is some other poor girls problem now, not mine! Karma will come back around and bite him in the ass someday. He will never feel guilty or sorry for what he did to me and is already lying to his new girlfriend, so I can hang up the towel that he would ever be man enough to apologize. Thank you!!! Somehow an apology would never be enough for what he did anyways...
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (8 November 2010):
 As academically High Honor Student, you might not be used to 'failure' and may be viewing this ending as something which you failed - this just isn't the case for you here! "I'm a smart girl, how could I be so stupid?" is probably the question that you are thinking, Right? Well, he never showed his true face until you were in love with him. It's not something that you had under your control at any time; he was manipulating - as are all sociopaths.
Blaming yourself isn't going to let you move on; just let it go.
This list might help to point out some of his abusive behavior and I'll bet there are a few more on it that give you a little "aha" moment...
http://www.familyshelterservice.org/what-is-abuse/assess-your-situation/
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A
female
reader, Tiffers +, writes (8 November 2010):
Tiffers is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou have no idea how spot on this was with him, he really is a true sociopath in every sense. I'll never understand it, ever. It's like dealing with someone with no soul, very sad:(
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A
female
reader, Tiffers +, writes (8 November 2010):
Tiffers is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, you are right, entirely right. A leopard never changes his spots! And he never did. I took him back 3 different times, every time I became more involved in his sickness. I started almost thinking along the same sick line as he did,accepting really inappropriate behavior, accepting lies I knew were lies as truths, was very manipulated and ruled by him. He continued to lie and would start new lies and extensions of the lies he had already told me. Never the truth. Everything was swept under the rug when it came to dealing with my issues I had and normal issues that I should have been able to go to my bf and talk about like adults. I was never able to reason with him, he dealt with confrontation by running as fast as he could from being caught or being held accountable for something he knew he had done wrong. He would avoid the truth coming out like the plague which made it hard to ever prove anything because of his avoidance and sneeky tactics. Also very spot on about his mother, he had a very unloving relationship with her and only went to see her if he needed something from her, i.e. to use her internet to get on his facebook account behind my back. She was a druggie and a bad mother, had men constantly in and out of his life as a young child. I am a person who tries always to help, i am a giver, never a taker, and I thought I could show him love and happiness and it would heal his heart and he would see everything I had done for him. He really isn't capable of being loved or loving and proved that with me time and time again. I would burst into tears and he would never be sorry for having made me cry, never said he was sorry, very cold, cruel and rotten to me. Started making me think I was crazy and jealous, when in reality these things he would try and get away with that he sickly thought should have been accepted by me, were not things any girlfriend would ever tolerate. Like he actually expected to be able to continue this relationship with his ex gf/ongoing fuck buddy and would say he was not going to be told what to do and if I didn't like it I could get out. This manipulated me into thinking i was the one doing wrong. I am a naive person with my heart I will be the first to admit, but I am otherwise such a smart woman, always academically a High Honor Student. Makes me angry with myself for being so unable to deal with this. Something that bothered me the most was the way things were ended, there was never a goodbye, we never spoke, and the police were there when i came to get my things out after catching him in more lies. i feel like it's impossible to stomach and fathom that I will never get an apology for what he did. he has never once tried to contact me or say he was sorry. How can anyone be that heartless? I also wonder if he will be the same way with his next girlfriend and feel really sorry for anyone who has to go through what misery I endured with him. I entirely agree with this, thanks for this insight, this has been very helpful. I was just a pawn in his game, everything was games with him.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (7 November 2010):
Well, You answered a lot of your own questions within your letter, and now it's up to you to stick by your own insights and not take him back again or ever believe him again. There's no point of asking him for honestly or an explanation when you know that he is incapable of telling the truth.
Next time, choose a man with your heart AND your head, and do it with your eyes WIDE open. The only thing that dilutes the pain is time and distance from him.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (7 November 2010):
 Oxymoron question. You get closure because he is indeed a sociopath, and an ex of yours, and he will never change. You can't reason with him. You can understand sociopaths by reading books about them. You sacrifice too much by being a guinea pig of how much more mental abuse you could take. Sociopaths can't love. No one can love them, even their moms. Their only concern is being taken care of. Other people are just extensions of them, tools to be used.
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