A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for nine years. We have a nice house together, lots of shared friends, we get on well and life is generally ok. He's sweet, generous and affectionate. Everyone likes him. So do I. We got together after lots of short-lived relationships with unreliable people, and it was a relief to find someone so steady. But... I don't fancy him. If I'm honest, it was never really fireworks - he does not have a high sex drive, and it was usually me initiating anything in bed. So he's never really made me feel sexy. We split up for eight months last year, but I returned because I missed him and also (if I'm honest) missed my house (I was the one who moved out and rented somewhere while still paying the home loan on our shared place.) In many ways my boyfriend is quite childlike. I can't imagine him ever proposing marriage. Splitting up with him would fill like abandoning a small puppy, yet increasingly I feel it is something I must do. How do other people do it? - Especially given the practicalities? My boyfriend could not afford to pay our home loan on his own, but I would feel awful kicking him out. Your advice would be much appreciated.
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moved out, sex drive, split up Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2012): Hi, I'm the original poster and I really appreciate your advice and insights - thanks to all who have replied. I absolutely agree I need to think clearly about what I want from life. I have down played the sex problem in our relationship. To be fair this is and always has been the biggest issue for me. Its the reason why we don't have kids and never will have. I'm struggling to work out if I'm ok with that - if just being with a nice guy I'm good friends with is enough. Ive tried to raise my feelings with him, but he cries. When I raise my concerns about our relationship's future, he cries. This is what I mean about childlike - I don't mean to insult my boyfriend, I love him very much, but yes, it does not feel like equals. I guess I need to find the courage from somewhere to follow my instincts. Thanks once again for all the advice.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2012): So you're basically only with him because you're too afraid to be alone, and too afraid to hurt his feelings and be made to feel like the 'bad guy' because he's a likable person.well, maybe it will help if you stop thinking about relationships as being something that you bestow on someone to reward them for being a nice person, and take away as punishment to hurt them. That's not how it should be. A relationship should be continued if it's mutually beneficial, and ended if it's not. If it's only one-sided that's not going to cut it long-term. After 9 years you know this already. Disastisfaction and unhappiness are the result."Splitting up with him would fill like abandoning a small puppy, yet increasingly I feel it is something I must do. "OK you need to take a step back and gain some perspective here. Your bf is a grown adult who is where he is in life due to the choices he himself has made. A small puppy is totally helpless and dependent on his mom to take care of him. The two are not one and the same. Treat your bf like an adult, because he is one. That means, respect his ability to take care of himself, an ability which may have been hidden til now if you have been the sort of person who would step in and 'mother' him. Well, don't do that anymore. You need to find a way to end this relationship, it's unfair to him to be continuing it simply because you want to keep your house and you don't have the heart to ask him to move out. I'm sure if you told him of your true feelings (I suspect you haven't yet?) he would not want to continue living in your house.It's not fulfilling to be in a relationship with a man who is "childlike." you want and need someone to be an equal partner, not someone who is only with you because of what you can do for them. The longer you stay with him, the more you'll end up losing respect for him. Tell him that the relationship is over. If you both own the house jointly, then the house will just have to be put up for sale, same as with married couples who get divorced. Don't let the fact that you have shared friends keep you in this relationship when you no longer want to be. It's your life, not theirs. your friends will get over it, in the end they don't care nearly as much as you do about this relationship. Just conduct yourself graciously and dont' badmouth your ex to your friends. Don't fall into the trap of explaining to anyone "why" you're breaking up with him. It's no one else's business because they are not the ones IN this relationship in the first place feeling the things you feel and dealing with the issues you have to deal with. They are not you. Once you go down the road of explaining or justifying to outsiders "why" you are breaking up, they can become judgmental and it gets ridiculous. So if any of your friends want to know why, just say it's a private matter, or you both have just drifted apart or some other equally bland and general statement and just leave it at that. Do not complain to your mutual friends about your ex. Choose your own friends (whom he does not know) to do that with.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (18 August 2012):
 Hi
I dont think you should JUST finish it, I think its worth fighting for. You sound bored in general to be honest and have already left but then gone back.
If its a better sex life you want then talk to him. If there is no spark then why have you stayed together so long, you dont share your life for 9 years with a guy who does nothing for you, you don't have children so could have split anytime,most would have years ago if there was no chemistry.. Have you never talked marriage or where your going? I dont think he's childish just comfortable as things are, "If it aint broke....."
What did he do when you left for 8 months, chase you, or leave you be? What was decided when you went back, did you talk over your problems?
As for your home, if it does come down to ending the relationship, you may have to sell it and split the profit 50/50 which is what friends of mine have done in your situation, or offer to buy him out.You would be best getting legal advice on it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2012): Hi sweetness.It sounds like he is a one big child, and life with him is impossible for someone like you. Confront him, break up with him, and move on. He had whole nine years to appreciate what he had and he still didn't, so he'll never do! You are a young beautiful princess, and you shouldn't waste the most beautiful years of your life with a total loser like this guy. Be firm, and kicking him out of the house would actually be an experience he probably needs to grow up and be A MAN, not a kid! Do it for your own sake, and stop caring about what he may feel or think. In due course you will meet someone who actually deserves you, and if this guy kept bothering then report him to the police. This should suffice to deter futureless child losers.I sm sure that he, on the other hand, won't find anyone who'd want to be with him, which is exactly what he deserves. Get a good lawyer first, and make sure you get all your rights sorted. Once this is all dine and you feel free like a bird, you'll start to breathe, and close this sad page entirely and for all.Good luck xxxEmily
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2012): Have you had an honest conversation with him about what's lacking?
To me you seem restless, bored, and feel as if you might be missing out on some sexual fulfillment that you don't get with him. Perhaps that's enough to justify breaking up a good relationship...but you've already demonstrated you'd rather be with him than be alone after just a few months of going solo, so I feel that perhaps he's not the entire source of these feelings.
Do you feel as if you're not the same person you were when you met him? Perhaps it's better to figure out where you want to go and what you'd like your life to look like rather than make him the focus of your ennui?
Maybe some counseling solo to figure that out?
Maybe some couples counseling if you want to go there?
I would try these things out before splitting only because I know people who've been in your situation and decide to split only to enter sexually fulfilling, but ephemeral or totally dysfunctional relationships and sour their relationships with people and circles if friends they've known for such a long time. I'm not saying you should merely be grateful, but ending a 9 year relationship isn't something to decide on a whim...and if you do end it he deserves to know the real reason why.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (17 August 2012):
 Well, if you have zero intention of wanting to be in a relationship, you are just using someone you like because you refuse to deal with the unpleasant feelings that come with making grown up decisions.
In this way, perhaps you need to consider that he might not be the only person in the relationship that is child-like?
You really need to come to terms with whether or not the good out ways the bad or vice versa, and if you are willing to pay the price of whatever decision you take. That will require some maturity on your part as well.
It is hard for a woman to feel like a lover, when she has to be her man's mother. If this part was worked on, would it be enough for you to feel fulfilled?
Here are some links to help you:
http://www.franktalks.com/emotionalneeds/
This link is to teach your BF about the emotional needs of women and how he is violating them that is causing your lack of attraction. At that page are links to media interviews I have done that you can listen to for free.
Next,
http://www.franktalks.com/break-ups/
This link is to help you both through the break up process with articles and media interviews that you can study for free, if the situation does not change.
Good luck!
-Frank
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