A
female
age
51-59,
*OBell
writes:I was estranged from my abusive BPD mother for eighteen years, because I could no longer take her abuse. My brother, who likely also suffered from BPD, saw this as a personal rejection and wanted nothing else to do with me. He threatened me with physical violence if I came around, and I knew he was capable of it as he'd hurt me years earlier. He wouldn't let me see his kids. I tried to send gifts a couple of times, but they were returned.All of this was very painful for me.My brother died in the fall, following a long and horrible illness. I got to see him one last time. He was unconscious, but I think he could hear me when I told him I loved him and was sorry for all the suffering he'd gone through. I truly meant it. Despite everything, I still loved him.Understanding that my mother was mentally ill and couldn't help some of the things she'd done, I reconciled with her. She's 80, frail, and has bad health, and I'm all she has now. Two of my brother's kids, now adults with kids of their own, came around, told me how much they loved me and wanted me in their lives. We talked, hugged, laughed, and had a great time. I wanted to get close to them and to their children, make a positive difference in their lives, make up for all of the time lost between us. I hosted a big Christmas party and we all spent a magical Christmas together. It was a very healing and happy time for me. And then, after Christmas, to my shock, everything went back to the way it was. My nieces completely lost interest in having a relationship with me. They quit calling, quit coming over, quit following me or commenting to me on social networking. I have been so depressed about this. I sent birthday gifts and received no response. When I see them on Facebook, I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. It's so painful to log in now, that I rarely do. I'm not sure how to deal with this. I'm trying to distance myself emotionally, because I can't handle the pain of being rejected by them. I have reached out many times all to no avail.My mother doesn't call me either, but I call her, visit her, and occasionally take her and her husband out to dinner. All she does is talk about herself and seems to have no interest in me or my life. If I mention any kind of success or problem, she interrupts and tops it with a story of her own. It is all very hard to deal with. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
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female
reader, MOBell +, writes (3 June 2018):
MOBell is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie and Wiseowl, I agree with all you said. I don't plan on giving her money again, but I would get food for the kids. Perhaps, she doesn't really care about me, but my concern is the kids' welfare. When I was putting groceries in my niece's car, I could see appreciation in her little girl's eyes and knew that the food was truly needed. I called my mother last night to see if she knows what's going on with my niece. She said that she too had given my niece money during the past three weeks. In fact, she'd given her money the day before my niece begged me for money. My mother and I both, however, are in the dark about what's going on in my niece's life. She said that asking for money isn't normal for my niece. We are both worried about drugs, but have seen no indication that my niece is on drugs. We're also worried about this mysterious man who's suddenly in my niece's life and what his motive is. He doesn't even have a job, and so I don't see how he can support my niece and her kids.When I ask my niece about him, she doesn't say much, but insists that he treats her like a Queen, and yet, she and her kids had no food.My niece is definitely making poor judgment calls. Like you said, WiseOwl, I also think that it will be a matter of time until she has no place to live. Then, she'll probably come knocking at my door. My husband has already said that he won't let her move in with us.Another thing about my niece that concerns me is that she frequently puts Satanic and graphically violent images and videos on Facebook. She has always been a "goth" girl, but this is extreme. She has an arsenal of guns, which she also posts photos of on Facebook. Whether this is all just to make herself appear unique, a mere reflection of a morbid personality, or an indication of mental instability, I have no idea.Thanks for your insight. I'll keep you posted about what transpires.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2018): Children, the poor, and the elderly are my week-spots. Honeypie is correct that you should only give your niece food, not cash. You can also give her super-market gift-cards; so she can only use the card for food. Most are not exchangeable for cash; and depending on the supermarket, you can only purchase food items or sundries. No cigarettes or alcohol.
Having the children with her put you in a spot. That's where she'd get me too! I'd cave-in worrying about the little-ones being clean and fed. I'd lose sleep over that!
You did the right thing to allow compassion to overrule your judgement of your niece for the sake of the children; but offering her cash allows her to use the money for something other than food or transportation. The craving or withdrawal of drugs would be stronger than concern for a child's hunger. Smokes are a luxury item; when you can't even afford to buy food. She doesn't have a thing to do with you; until she wants to ask for money. Don't ever do that again!
Call child-protection authorities if you see any noticeable symptoms that she may be mentally-unstable; or showing signs she may be high. I wouldn't attempt trying to hold the kids yourself; if she isn't high or unstable, that could cause some legal issues.
Rather than money for gas, you can also provide her with a bus-pass to get to the market; or to a shelter in bad-weather. It's only a matter of time before she has no place to live. Don't volunteer anything; but to care for the children. I suspect that she'll be temporarily homeless until this guy takes her in. How can she pay rent or a mortgage payment without a job or income from her husband?
I suspect she's taking drugs, if the children were dirty. I would also venture to speculate that she probably didn't quit; she may have been forced to leave her job. Why would she quit a good job to live with some guy she hardly knows? Doesn't make sense.
When children are in the middle of an unstable family-situation; and their safety and well-being is in jeopardy, you have to think more in their best-interest. It may come-down to reporting her to child-protection services; after you get some idea where she can be found, of course. If she goes into hiding, those kids could end-up in some god-forsaken crack-house; or living with some drugged-out scumbag. My sympathies for her troubles; but the kids safety comes first! Even if you don't do anything about it; someone else will!
You can't fix anything; and shelling out money is all she wants from you. Stop trying to make them like you. You have to come to terms that they don't care about you. I'm sorry if that hurts your feelings; but you can't buy love.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 June 2018):
 Don't give her money/cash. If her kids go hungry and you money to spare FOOD/Groceries should be PLENTY. That was SELFISH of her to want cash. Either it was because she LIED about not having food for the kids... or she wanted cash so she can spend it on whatever SHE wants and not food for the kids.
As for the move and her kids.. Yikes. It doesn't seem very well planned out by her. Not saving up, lining up a new job and then moving.
Also a LOT of churches help out with food/food bank so maybe you could look some up and give her that info IF he asks for more. And there is food-stamps too.
It's OK to say no, OP
Sometimes we have to let these "supposedly" adult kids figure life out.
You can't fix her life. And as far as her kids, well if you see neglect I'd call CPS.
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A
female
reader, MOBell +, writes (2 June 2018):
MOBell is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just thought I'd update you all. I'm doing much better--though another problem has surfaced. I took a step away and decided to let my nieces come to me if they want me in their lives, and I'm reclaiming my own dreams. One of my nieces remains distant but contacts me on FB. The other one, after ignoring me for months, suddenly visited, hinting that she was moving and needed money. She had been cheating on her husband of 15 years, and he caught her in bed with another man and left her. He's now in Florida, reunited with an ex and not contributing financially to my niece--he didn't hold a job before this. After a series of lovers, my niece is with another man and decided that she's going to move an hour away to be with him, a man she barely knows. She has a good job and works many hours a week, so it makes me wonder where her money is going. Also, she gave her employer her two week notice in anticipation of her move. I don't think she has another job lined up. It all sounds extreme and crazy. My grandniece, whom she brought with her on the visit, was hungry and looked dirty.I'm very concerned about the kids, but I don't know what to do about it.I don't know if my niece's destructive behavior is due to her grief for her father's death, which could be bringing out some mental illness, whether she's on drugs/alcohol, or what. I told her that I couldn't help her financially as my husband and I are having financial troubles as well. We're having to put a new HVAC system in, and it's going to wipe out our savings. In addition, one of our dogs is racking up big medical bills. We were planning on being on a very tight budget this summer, including low cost meals.But she wrote to me a couple of days later, saying she has no food for her two kids. Consumed with worry and guilt, I told her that we'd get some groceries for her to help her out. I placed an order for about $150.00 worth of groceries.Before we even picked the groceries up, she wrote to me and said to forget the groceries, that she needs cash. She said she has no "gas and smokes." While I was pondering this, she sent me several impatient messages. "Where are you?" "Are you alive?" "Hello?"I reluctantly agreed to give her $50.00 in addition to the groceries. I understand that sometimes people go through tough times and need help, but I worry about whether this is going to be a habit, and whether she's manipulating me. She's reminding me of her mentally-ill father. I helped her this time, but I'm going to have to say "no" in the future.Today, I'm upset about it all. I just feel used.Anonymous, I'm so sorry about your mother and the abuse you suffered. Thanks for your thoughtful reply. You've given me much to think about. Your family sounds much like mine. I understand how you feel and what you've gone through. Wiseowl, Thank you. I appreciate it. I'm a person of great faith. I have a very close relationship with God. Perhaps connecting with others of faith as you suggest would be a positive thing in my life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2018):
I really don't want to rock the boat, here, but alarm bells triggered for me when I read - if I read this correctly - that one of your sons has autism? I wasn't sure from how your phrased this, whether this is a blood relative or not.
If that is the case - or even if it is not - you may want to consider the possibility that your mother has autism. I found out only after my mother's death that it is extremely likely that she had this condition. She was extremely emotionally abusive, mainly by neglect and or abuse to me about my emotions, all of which were scorned and 'disallowed'. I see very strong autism traits in my two sisters now, and this has helped me to understand their behaviour - one has been diagnosed as mental ill (I think wrongly) and the other sister basically mimics my mother's treatment of me - she is heartless.
This is absolutely nothing against autism sufferers. What I am saying is that it can sometimes be VERY difficult to tell the difference between the outward behaviours of someone who is mentally ill and someone who has autism traits. Having autism also does not mean you will be an abusive person, but in my experience it can make it easier for the person's behaviour to slide into abuse and can lead to massive problems in carrying out the role of parent in a healthy way - mainly the difference in how emotions are processed (or not processed at all) can be very problematic for children growing up with autistic parents. Is it possible that this is what happened with your mother?
I also wanted to say that, whether a mother is mentally ill or autistic (or both) this can mean that there is almost NO scope for them to develop and encourage team work within families or in any other situation. Instead, there are fractured and broken relationships and the inability to know how to heal them; very often the siblings simply haven't been shown the mechanisms and processes for this and have not been rewarded for it. If other children in the original family also have autism (as I suspect my two sisters have) it can complicate this further.
I don't think I will ever really fully heal from the pain caused to me by my mother and family, but I know it is better for me not to get involved, any more, with my original family; I am not autistic and I am the kind of person that tries to sort out problems as and when they arise - but with my family this has been impossible, too painful to survive, and this feeling of an impossible, unresolved situation can be the thing that depresses you.
My way of coping with this is to keep as busy as possible, to find other things that I can resolve and feel rewarded by, to stop GIVING - this was my weakness too, and I know is yours - when there is no reciprocation or inappropriate reciprocation, and to remind myself that families are, in the end, not necessarily the loving units they are made out to be - it may sound cynical but it has helped me to remember that governments like to organise people into family units in order to keep the economy running smoothly - whilst we, on the receiving end of this organisational structure, might prize family love as the point of this all, from a governmental perspective, it's actually just a way of ensuring a steady economy - the aim is to keep everyone in their units, in their homes, with their jobs, and we all 'comply' with this because we're conditioned into thinking that family love is the 'be all and end all'.
Thinking in this way doesn't mean you can't love people - quite the opposite, actually - but it can really help to give a more flexible and expanded idea of what "family" can be, when an original, nuclear family structure doesn't work - it won't be the same as that nuclear family ideal, but it doesn't mean it's completely worthless either, and could even be better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2018): Some people turn to their faith, and seek comfort through spiritual worship. In fellowship with their congregation; they find closeness through a spiritual-family in faith. I hope you are not offended by the suggestion. Let's consider all possibilities. Your posts are very touching, and loving people like you are underappreciated these days.
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A
female
reader, MOBell +, writes (6 April 2018):
MOBell is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, I'm married to a wonderful man. He and I are very close, but he has been working long hours the past few months. I also have two adult sons, and I'm close to one of them. One of the others has autism, and it's impossible to get close to him. I try though.
I will never have grandchildren from either of them.
As I view my nieces and nephews sort of like my own kids as I helped raise them, I'd thought that maybe their kids would be like grandkids. And, honestly, I really think they need my positive influence in their lives. They've been around drugs, crime, and other negative influences. One of my nieces is a recovering heroin addict.
My health is too bad to foster children. I would have to give the Big Brother and Sister program some thought. I had a "big sister" from one of these programs when I was a child, and it broke my heart when she decided to quit and cut off contact with me.
I agree that I need to let my nieces and nephews contact me if they're interested in a relationship. I've done my part.
Thanks for all of the advice.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 April 2018):
You did nothing wrong in wanting to spoil them and show them love. Don't feel bad for that. You reached out and open your heart to them, don't feel bad for that either.
Let THEM do the work if they want to continue getting reacquainted again. I'd still stick with the cards for now.
Chin up and don't feel bad for being a nice person.
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A
female
reader, MOBell +, writes (6 April 2018):
MOBell is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all of the input.
Yes, I'm very heartbroken and wanting family closeness, but I'm truly trying to move on.
I do want to add that they do know me. They stayed with me often when they were young and even lived with me for a while up into their teen years (their mother and father abandoned them for a while.) And yes, their father and my mother devalued me to my nieces and nephews. My nieces told me that they'd said terrible things about me, which they now know wasn't true. Nevertheless, I think you're right that something here is permanently broken and will never be how I wish it would be.
I can't even express how much I regret getting them all of those gifts. I think part of it had to do with dealing with my grief. I'm still grieving, and I believe it's a "complicated grief" due to the estrangement. Also, I just wanted to make them all feel loved and happy.
I agree that I need to start focusing on my own life. I've put my own personal dreams on hold these past few months. I'm so behind on everything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2018): Have you ever thought about joining big brother and big sister? You can really make a change in a young persons life.There are alot of disadvantaged kids and you could really make a positive and wonderful difference in their life's.Family is not always about DNA.Another possibly is to become a foster parent.My 30 something niece who is single does that and now she has 2 wonderful children because of it.Family can be made love knows no bounds.Think about it would you rather buy a birthday or Christmas present for someone who would be grateful because it is the only thing they got?Make a family be happy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 April 2018):
I'm sorry, this has got to be very hard on you and I will try to be as gentle as possible here.
You are a stranger to them, regardless of a lovely Christmas. They grew up not knowing you, maybe with some curiosity and maybe with some negative stories from their dad but overall, you were not a part of their lives.
They have made their OWN lives, their own little families, friends and circles of people whom they feel "belong" and are supportive and important to them, unfortunately, you are not one of those people.
And that is something you can not change with gifts. Just like you really CAN NOT buy love.
I fully agree with WiseOwlE that you should STOP with the gifts and just stick to cards for those special occasions where you want them to know you think of them.
I know it would have been lovely if they had made room in their lives and heart for you, but again... you can't MAKE people do that. They chose NOT to. Maybe they don't realize how much it meant to you or maybe they don't feel they have the time or inclination to make "room for you". which is a shame. For them AND you. Who knows maybe in time they will. In the meantime YOU need to "move on" with life. Do things that makes YOU happy.
You mother is who is ALWAYS was. People with BDP are usually VERY socially inept, often lacks the "willingness" to GIVE (that can be attention or emotions) but want to RECEIVE regardless.
So IF I were you I would stick to NEUTRAL subjects with your mom, make the visits short and sweet - so they don't stress YOU out or make you feel unwanted.
Just know that SHE can not give you what you want. Positive attention and affection. It's just not part of who she is.
I would also suggest you find some social group of people your own age, do fun activities with your own peers, MAKE friends. You can do it!
The whole Facebook thing, well, I don't DO Facebook mostly because I chose NOT to get involved with family drama (my husband's side of the family) and it was simply JUST easier to not be on Facebook. So maybe not being on Facebook can encourage you to GET out of the house and meet new people. Pursue hobbies, try new things, see places you have always wanted to see etc. etc.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (6 April 2018):
My suggestion is you forget these people and build a life for yourself while it is not too late. Your brother’s children are behaving toward you as they were taught to behave by their father. And your mother will not change.
You say you are all your mother has but that is not true, she has a husband and she has grandchildren. Not expending emotional energy on someone who continues to hurt and reject you.
You don’t say if you are married or have children. If you do look to them and the future and stop trying to create relationships that are not going to happen.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2018): You're a marvelous auntie; but your loneliness and desperation to make family-ties is making you too sensitive. Your mother is in her 80's. She's too old to change; and you'll have to accept her as she is. How much can a frail and sickly elderly-lady hurt you?
You may have to reach-out to make other family-connections. I might suggest you stop trying to bribe your brother's kids for attention. You had a great Christmas; so be reminded that holidays are when most families get closer. People try to be nicer.
Your age-differences has a lot to do with minimal social media responses to your comments. Christmas-time is different from any other time of the year. If you come with gifts in tow; you more or less bribed them all. You don't really know your brother's kids, or their kids, that well at all. You're a stranger to them.
You may need to make friends outside the realm of family.
You need some counseling to smooth the jagged-edges that were made by early family-life. Otherwise; you must face the reality you don't have the kind of family that gravitates towards one-another.
You seem very lonely, and you're trying to create family unity; which is a good thing. It will not happen on your terms, and you may not be dealing with personalities who value family-traditions and closeness.
They live in a different era and generation. Your nieces were not taught from younger children to bond with you. Whatever your brother felt about you was likely passed on to his kids; so you may have to just take what you can get and be grateful. They don't really know you. They were being polite to auntie; so she wouldn't have a lonely Christmas.
Plus you came bearing gifts.
I think you should stop with the gifts and send cards instead on holidays or birthdays. They're not as close as you want them to be. So stop forcing yourself on them. Let them come to you. If they don't, it is because they don't really want to. You can't make people feel what they don't feel, and you can't recreate people to be what you think they should be.
Love has to be offered with free-will; and any further effort to be closer is now theirs to make.
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