A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi aunts and uncles. I have a big problem and was wondering if anyone can refer me to some good websites, or help me to find information on this. Basically, my husband and I got in a fight, and I hit him. This has happened before, and I went to counselling. I have had anger issues since I was a little kid and never really learned how to deal with it. Its now developed into full on rages. I have thrown things at walls and also hit my husband. (open hand) It typically happens in 6 month periods. I don't mean to do it, and certainly don't want to hit or hurt him. I also tend to "escalate" situations and turn them into arguments if Im upset. Again not something I do purposely, but it does seem like a pattern. I dot want to be this way and I certainly don't want our kids to ever see me this way, its a horrible example. I went to counselling for 9 months in 2011-2012. She thought I no longer needed counselling but did say to go to a free anger management class if I ever felt like I needed to, but didn't insist on the classes nor did she recommend more counselling. Im upset that I let it continue because I honest to god believed I had a good handle on it. Unfortunately I think our relationship is at an end, which kills me, but I understand. He doesn't deserve this. I just want to set a good example for our children and not let rage control my personal relationships. Thankyou in advance.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 July 2014):
 I am ruling out bipolar personality disorder here. If you think you might have bipolar personality disorder then see your doctor, because you will need medication to help you control your moods. The following advice is if you have no personality disorders.
First step is to realize that you ARE doing this intentionally. You raise your voice, you raise your arm. It's not something that happens to you, it is something you do. You are in control.
Letting go of control feels good at the moment. If you have the type of anger rages I can have, and I think you do, then you will recognize this description:
It's like a fire inside you, that eats you up unless you let it out. Others harm you, this is the way to protect yourself. It feels good, and you enjoy it, because it gives you a sense of power, or being in control. When someone is angry with you, you think it isn't fair, you feel treated poorly, and they deserve to be treated with the same disrespect. In the moment, all the things you say and do are justified, because the other person started it. They started the argument. They started the fire. And with every word they speak, the fire grows bigger and bigger until it's an inferno inside you. Throwing things, screaming, hitting, it is all just a release of the inferno that is inside of you. The anger inside is so big, too big to contain, it needs to be released or else you fear it will burn you alive.
Hitting, smashing, shouting, hurting, it's like getting high. It calms you to get it out. It is the only way for you to breathe when this happens, it must be released or else...
Do you recognize yourself in this description? That is how I feel it, anyways. But it has been about 4 years or more since I last felt it. The satisfaction of the rage, the blind anger, is gone very quickly. Then what you are left with are broken relationships, broken bonds, broken hearts. Broken marriages. Broken friendships. There's nothing good about that.
The clue for me was to just decide to NOT do certain things. Not hit. Not throw. The screaming continued a while longer, the anger continued, the cruel words continued, the storming out of the house continued. But then I came to a point where it wasn't difficult to not hit, or throw. I didn't get that urge any longer, because I had just not done it. I had come to realize what exactly happens when I DON'T release everything of my anger. Nothing happens. It doesn't eat me up alive, it doesn't linger inside me to torment me. It vanishes. Even if the energy was there, the lust to throw and hit, it was there, but when constrained to stay inside, it just went away, it didn't stay behind. So I realized, it wasn't dangerous to not follow the urge. Nothing happened.
So I set myself new goals, personal goals, which I can't even name. There are levels of anger, and I can feel the different levels inside, but I can't name them.. I wouldn't know how to explain each level or how they feel. But throwing things and hitting things are somewhere up at the top level. Now that I mastered that level, I attempted to try and master the next level. And the one under that level again, and so on and so on.
My ultimate goal is to never be angry, simply. I have reached the point where I barely raise my voice in an argument. I do not say hurtful or mean things any longer. The rage has calmed inside me, and arguing is boring these days. Boring and dull. I don't get that high any longer, that feeling of power. I still am stubborn and wont let anyone win an argument, but I have come a long way. So can you.
You must also learn to let go. Your marriage is most likely beyond all repair. Your husband doesn't deserve this, and you need a clean slate in order to know that you are getting better. Or else it will be so easy to fall back into the old routine. But before suggesting divorce, I would advice you to talk to your husband about a separation, so that you can work on yourself without continuing to hurt him and your children.
I say your children are being hurt, because they are. It hurts children when you hurt your partner, in front of them or not. They have most likely seen how you treat him, and this anger is something that is constantly there, not just when it peaks. It is always ready to launch, and when you can't control it, like you currently feel unable to, then surely you've lost control in front of your children too. Or worse, you've been shouting and screaming and them as well. If I had a child back then when I was angry like you, I would have most likely been screaming at them as well. So I think you are hurting them as well, same as your husband. It is best to withdraw now, and learn to calm yourself down, before trying to live with your family again. For THEIR sake.
You can control this. Take small steps at a time. You will get there. Dare to be weak and let your "enemy" (your husband) see your weakness, rather than squish him like a bug under your finger. He is not your enemy, after all. The anger is your enemy.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 July 2014):
 I fully applaud your self-awareness and attempt at counseling.
I was in counseling on and off from age 9 through adulthood with various counselors... some more helpful than others.
Once I found one that REALLY understood my issues (ADHD mostly) I worked with her on and off (mostly ON) for TEN YEARS to get a handle on how to cope with my issues.
9 months is very short term for such deep seated issues.
if you find it cycles... it could be a form of bipolar disorder.
My suggestions:
1. a complete medical workup including hormones etc.
2. working with a competent counselor and a doctor hand in hand to see if any of the available psychotropic drugs have an impact.
Also do a google search on "how to cope with anger" or rage and check out some of the good coping skills.
coping skills are great but you have to practice them.
I used to blow up all the time... (it can be a component of ADHD) and once I got my other stuff under control via good training in coping skills, I find I no longer have blind rages...
they are scary not only for you but for those affected by it.
you say your marriage is over... I'm sure that's not helping your feelings of being out of control, blind as a bat and scared as hell.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 July 2014):
 That's the ultimate kiss of death you know, the moment you feel you have a handle on rage. It's when things are going well that you must be on your guard, and when you are most vulnerable to an attack.
The problem with this is - your therapy and your mental journey don't take precedence over your behavior, your kids' psyches, and your husband's face. In that area, there's only one rule that must be obeyed, and that's "Not even once". There *is* no "I thought I had it under control", or "It was with my open hand" or "escalate into arguments".
You also never mentioned if your anger extended to your children, whether you hit them if you lost your temper. You never mentioned if you love your kids (I'm going to assume that you do), but they hear 10 times more than you think they do, and every time you hit their dad, it's as traumatic to them as you hitting them. They are powerless and terrified. You may not want to hear this, but maybe for their sake, your marriage needs to be over. If you being with your husband causes such traumatic assaults and your children are exposed to that (possibly perpetuating the cycle), the damage to their psyche and emotions is nothing short of profound. You do not have the luxury of "I thought I had a good handle on it".
Anger management isn't some 9 month thing. Counseling for you plus anger management should be for life. If you love your kids, the only attitude that you should live by is the awful fear that your anger crouches always just below the surface, and that your protective instincts as a mother would have you never drop your guard and never allow even one instance of abuse or uncontrollable rage. Not even one. Not even one "I thought I had a good handle" and DEFINITELY never a "my counselor never *insisted*". You should always be self-insisting. Counseling and anger management should be your lifestyle, just like a transplant patient needs to take immunosuppressant medicine for life or risk losing the organ.
In the end, your kids matter the most. Seeing their mom hit their dad (or them), seeing her carted to jail in handcuffs for assault, seeing damage in the home because of thrown items, losing temper on he road and leading to a car accident, doing something irreversible and losing your kids in a custody issue with your husband; all of these things await you if you don't adopt a "not even once" policy. If your husband is the one you feel like you lose control when you're around, then for the kids, maybe the best course of action is to not be around him. In the end, the law looks at your behavior and deals with felony assault and property damage and child abuse (keeping them in an environment of violence is charged as abuse too, even if you never actually hit them).
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 July 2014):
 There can be two reasons, one can be a hormonal imbalance that makes your anger feel uncontrollable, and maybe your last anger management counselor wasn't good at giving you working tools to control yourself.
Or maybe you thought the counseling was the fix, it's not.
Counseling CAN provide you with insight and "tools" to overcome the out-of-control situation. For some meditation can help.
It would a good idea to contact your doctor and go through him to try another counselor.
You are being abusive, you recognize and want to change - those are pretty big first steps - but SAYING you want to change and ACTUALLY committing to the change is different.
http://www.loveisrespect.org/get-help/can-i-stop-being-abusive
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2014): Without reading your age, I thought this had come from someone older, but your problem and solution are the same:YOU have to take responsibility and do what you need to do, like going to anger management. The counsellor recommended it and you didn't act on it - she couldn't insist because it's not her place, unless she thinks you'll cause serious injury or murder someone - then she'd have had to call the police. It was left up to you, an adult, and you did nothing.Now, on the less brutally honest side, I know what it can be like dealing with that sudden rage building because my best friend had it. He would punch walls and cause himself pain , in some of the more serious cases, he desperately wanted to hurt whoever was making him angry (I didn't disagree that they deserved bad karma but wouldn't have condoned him doing anything), but he wasn't willing to actually hurt someone (most of the time) - it helped if they weren't there.You need to find out WHY you're abusive because (I know you'll probably be sure you'll never do it), if it escalates to black out angers, you could hit your children and lose them for good.Talk to your doctor and tell him/her that you desperately NEED Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) because it will teach you techniques that will help you manage and avoid the anger fits.You do need to know why you do it asap though; if you weren't abused, bullied, neglected, etc., it's probably a chemical imbalance that medicine could help control.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2014): It COULD be your temper, but it's more like ego: you have to be "right", you have to have the last word, you have to call the shots, and you have to be the one in control. Lose that attitude in the first place and it'll work out better. It's not just about you.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (16 July 2014):
Seems like you're blaming the counselor here, not fair. This is YOUR responsibility, YOUR fault. Sometimes it takes several years of losing the things we love to snap us out of bad behavior, and make us realize that the only ones who can change us, IS us. Nobody else can stop this. Time to put on your grownup panties and stop being an abuser.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 July 2014):
 Counselors are human, they not always get it right at the first try. Your counselor might have thought in good faith that your problem had been solved and you did not need more counseling, but , obviously she was wtong. You do.
As for her not " insisting " that you go to anger management classes, why should she have insisted ? She gave you her professional opinion, then following your recommendation or not it is your choce. She told you to go to anger managemnt classes if you ever felt you needed to-then, if you kept assaulting your husband YET you still did not feel you needed anger management classes, that would be YOUR wrong judgement call, and your shirked responsibility , not your counselor's.
( I 'd be curious to see what you'd want to see happening BEFORE you decide you NEED anger manamegemnt classes : bloodshed ? Legal charges pressed against you ? ).
You have been shown the tools to work on your problem, it's up to you to use them correctly and consistently for how long as it takes.
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