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anonymous
writes:So basically, I've spent the past two years working towards my masters degree as well as working full time. Up until this summer I've been doing really well (average grade 75, on track for a distinction), only to choke in my last few months and throw it all away and I'm absolutely devastated. I've honestly never been in this situation before, but I just choked. I think maybe the fact I was paired with a mentor I really admired contributed towards it, but whatever it was, despite working solidly for 5 hours a night for 4 months and literally writing hundreds of pages (214 in total), I still couldn't get my story to work (I've been studying creative writing) and eventually had to hand in a poorly constructed first draft with no mentor feedback that I doubt will even pass let alone do well. Writing used to come so easily to me but with this it seems like the more work I did, the more confused I got until I reached the stage where I could barely string a sentence together or make even the simplest creative decision.Logically I've been trying to remind myself that it's not the end of the world. I can learn from this, still keep writing and even try to pursue it as a career eventually if I want to (that was my original plan but now I'm not sure I'm cut out for it). But I'm just really down just now and so disappointed in myself. I feel like I've worked myself into the ground for 2 years and spent all my savings and then some and it's all been for nothing :( Writing has always been 'my thing' and now I'm not even sure who I am.Has anyone else ever been through anything like this? I feel like I'm doubting my talent and ability and just generally feeling really crap about myself at the moment and I could be doing with some words of advice to pull myself out of this funk. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Code Warrior.
You're right of course, a MA isn't necessary at all for writing. It's actually a screenwriting degree I did so I took the course more to learn about proper formatting techniques as well as the overall craft and to make contacts within the industry. But no, it's not something I technically need to keep writing so that's another thing I'll keep telling myself over the coming days. Thanks again :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the clarity Mr Owl. I too apologise if I came across as snappy, it wasn't my intention.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2017): I wasn't being dismissive, I was reassuring you that sometimes matters are not as bad as they seem. Especially when we're talking about matters about creativity; and issues concerning our talents and academic disciplines. I've been there and done that, my dear.
Sometimes we reach a point of difficulty, and we labor or toil over something; but nothing seems to change. My advice was not to allow your emotions to overtake you. No one can control your brain or force your mind to work. Thoughts can be swayed and challenged; but it's really you at the controls. Frustration can take hold and become paralyzing.
You took it differently from how I meant it. I won't change what I've said. I do owe you some clarity on the meaning behind it.
Don't give-up. Stick to it. If you've hit a snag. Maybe you need a rest. Creativity sometimes gets plugged-up. If you've tried everything; then rest. Don't become disappointed in yourself or conclude you're not able to succeed at writing.
Our minds have limitations and they also get tired.
Sometimes we are challenged beyond our ability. Even if that is the case academically; that doesn't mean that you don't have a natural talent. The most successful authors didn't all come from academic backgrounds. They have a raw and natural talent.
Don't let your mind tell you that you can't do this. It will freeze your flow, and you'll get caught-up in your frustration. Snapping at me won't do you any good. I made a point, and I'm sticking to it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2017): You CAN learn from your mistakes.
Find out what were the reasons, REAL reasons for you block. Were you expecting too much? Were you afraid that the mentor won't like your work? Were you negatively comparing yourself to others?
I am a (hopefully) recovering perfectionist. Unlike you (for the moment) at a tremendous cost I have gotten my Masters degree in writing, in a prestigious university, in a foreign country, writing in a language I had started learning only a year before. I showed myself and everybody else that I could do it. Write, I mean. Right? Wrong... I burned out. I was so stressed and miserable that I started hating writing. I did everything but write. I would get this solid ideas, write them down, try to work on them a bit and shut down. And I wasn't alone. It turned out that
A piece of paper saying that you are a writer does not make you one, what does is the piece you write something on. And fail. And write again. And fail. Repeatedly.
Failure is pretty much part of the bargain when you decide to write. So in a way it is a good therapy for us perfectionists if we dare to take the challenge and stop taking ourselves so seriously.
Call your mentor and see what's what. Own up to everything good and bad that came out of your work. Anyway, it doesn't matter. If you feel like writing, you'll write. If you stick to it, you may get good enough to get published and become an author. If you don't have the need to write, there is no praise in the world that will make you do it.
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again everyone.
To answer a few questions, yes I am working at the moment. I have a management position in a life assurance company so I have a decent and well paid career, but that is actually the main driver for wanting to do this - I can't imagine working in a job I hate for another 35 years. I think this situation has knocked my dreams of eventually leaving which is why I've been struggling.
I've thought about it a bit since I posted this, and I think the main issue is it wasn't a normal issue to overcome. I've had issues in my life before like illnesses, bereavements, breakups and the rest of it that have set me back and I've been able to accept those fairly easily. This time though, there was no reason for it. The issue came from within me with no warning. I just found myself creatively blocked and paralysed by fear. I wrote another story of a similar length a year ago, on my own, and got my best grade of the course for it. Yet this time no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't get a coherent story down on paper. So I guess it's thrown me a bit as I've always had faith that no matter how difficult the task I'll always manage to get there in the end, and this time I didn't.
That being said, I am feeling better today and I know I'm in a fortunate position compared to others so I'm going to start thinking of that more and trying to remind myself that I've still achieved a lot over the past 2 years regardless of the outcome. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger eh?!
Thanks very much to you all for your kind and thought-provoking answers. It's not often I have 'wobbles' like that but you all helped me get through it :)
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reader, Phil052 +, writes (4 October 2017):
 Whilst you are being hard on yourself for struggling with the pressure of getting your studies completed, I read it and was full of admiration and respect for someone who combined working full-time with studying for a masters degree. How many people would be able to even attempt this? Relatively few. I think you were unlucky to hit problems at the critical stage, but you have still achieved so much, you should be proud in my opinion. I'm not sure what happens next, your post suggests that you haven't actually had the results yet, and your follow up says you will find out shortly. Just wait for the outcome and then take it from there. I'm sure your tutors will be there to give support, and I wish you well, not only for this particular issue, but for the future and your writing to come!
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reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (4 October 2017):
 "I'm a perfectionist"
You can try to be as perfect as you want...But you have no control over where life wants to take you.
Many make plans for the rest of their lives. But LIFE itself has no master...It is our master.
People believe they have control over their lives. NOPE!!! You have control over your OWN actions in this life...but not life itself. If we did, we would be able to choose exactly how we live, how rich we would be, and how we die.
There would be no random deaths, because everyone would have control over their life.
There are some who make it to where they want to go. Others do not...why? Because LIFE may need you somewhere else, not where you thought you should be.
I went to school for computer networking and programming. I was dead set on being such. Life had other plans for me. Better plans than I saw for myself. The computer crash of the year 2000 happened, and no one was hiring computer programmers.
I ended up having a career that has nothing to do with networking or programming. At first, I was depressed that I was not doing what I wanted to do. But after a year, I saw that I would be completely miserable sitting at a desk programming all day. My job now, allows me to walk around and meet people...so much better. Did I see that? Nope...but life knew better for me...so not complaining.
Some people get so focus on the career that they forget to live their life. Years go by as they strive to be successful, only to realise they have no idea how they got to be 40 years old, no kids, no real relationship, no real friends...Just a nice house, nice office, and more work on their desk.
Take a step back...and look at yourself...then think of the next five years.
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reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (4 October 2017):
 I would like to share my experience with you OP.
I have a PhD in Sociology and there was a time I was very keen on a prestigious fellowship for the Masters level and I was really sure that I would get it. I didn't.
My world came crashing down, I too had a writer's block and made terrible decisions in my personal life. I was absolutely, well and truly broken. But then, as a wise man has said, whatever happens is for the best, so my life took a different turn altogether and I started teaching. I absolutely loved it, I met someone amazing at the place of work who I ended up getting married to and now my life is completely different to what it would have been had I got that fellowship.
Don't let one setback get you down and allow you to question yourself. Life will hand out hundreds of bumps and scratches. You have to persevere nevertheless and carry on, keeping your target in mind. You've just had a huge jolt and are being very hard on yourself. Allow yourself to feel bad but then shrug it off. Think of Plan B. Education never goes waste and all the work that you have put in will never ever go in vain.
Are you working as of now? What are your career plans? I'm sure your grade will not be as bad as you're thinking; you're a perfectionist so you're not going to be happy with anything other than the best but I can almost be sure just reading your question that you will not fail.
Let us know the outcome and chin up please! It's not going to be that had, trust me!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello it's the OP here. Thanks to those who have taken the time to answer, I do appreciate it.
Youcannotbeserious - you're absolutely right when you say I'm a perfectionist. It's something I've been struggling to overcome for years and I think actually might be why I struggled so much. Expecting my work to be perfect before I even put pen to paper. Thank you for your kind words and I hope so too. I should find out this week so I'll keep you all posted :)
Wiseowl - I have spoken to my mentor several times but there's nothing he can do. The way it works is we're supposed to send our mentors the first draft, then they'll act as an editor and give us lots of notes which we implement. That is repeated 3 or 4 times until the story is tight and many of the issues overcome. However, it took me so long to get my first draft down on paper I didn't get any of that input. This will undoubtedly affect the grade as creative works like this need edited by a second pair of eyes and it is being graded on the assumption this has happened several times.
I have spoken to my academic tutor too, first to ask for a deferral then to ask for advice. While he was sympathetic, he was unable to let me defer as there were no extenuating circumstances (bereavement, illness etc) and his advice was just to keep plugging away. Which is all it could have been really. So I've done all I can do until I get my grade.
Finally Mr Owl, while I appreciate you taking time to answer, I felt your answer rather dismissive. I realise there are much worse problems to have, but questioning my decision to seek advice then dismissing my feelings as melodrama is a bit uncalled for. If you didn't think my problem worthy of answer why respond? I suspect you like to think of yourself as a 'straight shooter', but perhaps you might remember that you are dealing with a real person with a real problem and although it might seem trivial to you, it's likely to be a big deal to them.
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reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (4 October 2017):
 Sending hugs.
We are often our own worst critics and, hopefully, it will not be as bad as you fear. However, even if it is, just because you don't have the qualification you want does not mean you cannot keep doing what you love. I doubt there are many fiction writers out there who went to the effort of taking a degree in creative writing. You sound like a perfectionist with an "all or nothing" outlook, but it really doesn't have to be like that. Sometimes life does not go according to plan but that does not mean it doesn't go well and we cannot be happy with what it offers instead. Your two years of study will never go to waste.
There is probably little you can do now (this is typical "did I do everything I could" nerves after the event) so try to stop worrying (although I do appreciate that is easier said than done). You cannot change anything now so start making plans for the future while you are waiting for your results. Fingers crossed you get a pleasant surprise.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2017): Get an appointment with your mentor and advisor.
Why did you come to us? Your mentor is who you should be talking to. If there is no response, you keep trying until you get one!
You've got a case of burnout and academic-exhaustion. It happens. Money is never a waste on education! If you "choked," it was because you're either too busy competing with others; or you're juggling too much at the same time.
Go talk to your mentor and advisor. Don't be so melodramatic! You didn't get feedback; so now you're jumping to conclusions.
If writing is what you love to do; you'll keep at it.
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