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How to be secure in love...

Tagged as: Teenage<< Previous question   Next question >>
Article - (11 October 2008) 5 Comments - (Newest, 6 November 2008)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, MissKin writes:

How to be secure in love...

When you enter a relationship, it opens up hundreds, thousands of uncertain feelings. Little potholes in our sanity and they can easily make their ways into becoming tunnels.

I was the most confident person in the world, whether or not you agree that I had reason to be, the reasons didn’t matter, it was just the feeling that meant everything. Being confident, completely sure of yourself in every aspect of your life, is an amazing accomplishment. And yet... it all came tumbling down with the one thing that every little girl is supposed to want. To find love in the arms of another.

As wonderful as this feeling is, being loved and being able to honestly love in return, it broke down my defenses. It shattered my never ending assurance that there was nothing wrong with me and gave way to a tidal wave of negative thoughts, feelings and emotions and now I have lost the person that I once was within myself. I can think of only a fingerful of positive things about myself, though I must admit that is a lot more than quite a few people I could mention whose self-esteem has lowered itself even less than my own upon entering a relationship.

Though my rational side tells me I’m being insane, that my guy loves me or else he wouldn’t be with me, my emotional and irrational, realistic I dare to say, side tells me he could hurt me and I can’t forget that. Now I compare myself to every other female he encounters and I happen to be with a guy who makes friends with females far more often than with males, though I’m not sure why. Often this doesn’t threaten me but when I realise how close friends can get, it terrifies me. What if he wants to be with another? He wouldn’t tell me, for fear of being seen as the bad guy and breaking my heart. And yet, I can’t be selfish and obsessive and tell him he isn’t allowed to be friends with who he wishes and talk to them. Though if he had equal interaction with the male equivalent of the species, would the female side still worry me so?

My insecurities more than his desire to be with another, will end up pushing us apart so I’ve decided to do something about it. Just what I want to choose to do about it is the predicament. I’ve come up with several options.. but I’ve also thought of what the outcomes and the problems with it could be.

My mission : How to be secure in love.

Possibility one:

Think positive thoughts. He loves me. He’s with me and nobody else. I was wonderful before him, now that I’m with him I can only be greater. He chose me out of everybody else, so I must be what he wants.

However... he never really seems happy. He doesn’t know “what he wants” and does this quote include not knowing if he wants me? Though when questioned directly he states that he does, he would not say no for fear of hurting me without being sure of his true feelings. His inability to decifer what he wants is beginning to tear me apart, but telling him so is doing nothing but putting more strain upon us both. So getting him to really know what he wants is impossible and heart breaking.

Possibility two:

Tell him how insecure I feel.

This one should work shouldn’t it? Get him to tell me mushy gushy things that will make me feel better and fill me with warm-scented thoughts and feelings. This should work shouldn’t it? If only temporarily, knowing that he’s just telling me what I want to hear. But eventually the insecurities would come back, if they ever left to begin with. It is not the debate of if he thinks I am amazing or not that is the problem, it’s knowing how much I dislike myself compared to others that causes my negative thoughts and feelings. Besides, he’s not the type of guy that gets that message. He’d just sigh, give me a kiss and not know what to say.

I think perhaps the problem partly comes from how things change as you go through the relationship. They don’t change for everyone, and it leaves the rest of us wondering if what we have is wrong if their relationship stays the same and ours moves into more familiar, less original territory? I remember the first days, the sweet talks, the sweet things he used to do and say. And I don’t feel the same, I still say and do the same sweet things I always started off doing but now he doesnt has he lost his sweetness? When I mention it to him, this is what he seems to think. But I don’t want new sweetness, I want the same old sweetness time and time again because that was part of what made me fall in love with him to begin with. I miss it. I’m sorry to say.

Nostalgic? Am i? Missing the way things used to be to the point where it hurts and stabs when I think of the way things are different and the reason for it?

When we first got together there was no doubt. I loved him, he loved me, that’s the way it was. His sweet ways confirmed it. He was happy with me, I was happy because of him. But now, I don’t know how he feel sbecause he never chooses to say unless I ask and I really need more than that sometimes. Not always. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against all around attention and sweetness, but I’m not demanding it all the time, just every now and then to be made to feel as special as he always used to make me feel would be nice. Just to remind me that he doesn’t think of me any differently than when we first fell in love. God how it kills me that he doesn’t love me the same.

As for possibility three:

I could build my self-esteem. Tell myself I don’t want to know what he’s thinking. He’s with me and that’s all that matters. Try to pull away from things a little and care a little less. So if anything bad happens I can just tell myself I don’t care, so I feel less vulnerable.

This one might as well be a joke. I’m too busy freaking out and making myself feel awful to pull away. And I could pretend to be fine and not care, but if I cared any more my heart would explode from sheer pressure.

The truth is.. there is no real set way to stay secure in love. That’s what love is all about. Feeling vulnerable and insecure but knowing that your other half isn’t going to take advantage of that but is that the problem?

In order to feel secure in love there has to be a security in the relationship coming from both sides. There has to be boundaries and support form both partners, keeping the other one stable. And if I’m putting all my effort into holding his sideof the boat up, and he’s not supporting mine enough, I’m going to sink below him, and he’s not going to save me. And maybe I’m worried about the fact that he feels so secure in this relationship. Is that fair? Why am I so insecure about every aspect of everything and yet he seems perfectly capable of going about his life and having me here and there.... I can’t even finish my thought. I don’t know how to stay secure in love but I do know I can’t stay insecure in this love. It’s going to tear me apart, but I’m too afraid to leave. There’s no way to tell him how I feel and I guess that’s the problem to.

To be honest. I’m not sure I’m cut out for love but there’s no escaping it now.

How do you stay secure in love?

I just can't figure it out.

View related questions: fell in love, insecure

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A female reader, annonymus1000 United States +, writes (6 November 2008):

Well I dont have any answers either, just some advice... maybe... I too can't explain how I can feel so confident get hit on by every guy at a bar/club and yet find myself (more so around that time of the month) I become jealous,suspicious, etc. I am in a fairly new relationship, was in one for 6 years he left me for a 21 year old, I myself am 25... anyways I am totally in love with my new bf we take things veryyyy slow...and back to the point here when I do get these horrible jealous feelings I tell myself to be positive and realize that if he wants to cheat/leave there is nothing One can do to hold someone back and there would be a reason for it down the path... Just be happy and Thankful for each day you two are together and sharing love I am going to try and take my own advice.

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A female reader, accused United States +, writes (23 October 2008):

accused agony aunt A PERSONS INTENTIONS, ARE BEST JUDGED BY THEIR ACTIONS.... Best of Luck

Accused

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A female reader, youloveit Canada +, writes (14 October 2008):

I do not have a particular answer for you but I have the exact same problem like word for word in which you described.. I think that it is a natural part of relationships especially at our age, but also it is the impact of the society on our lives telling us how to be, how to look to be loved. I know its definitely a challenge, but its better to have loved to have never loved regardless of all the emotions and insecurities.. just dont over think it.. just wing it.. lol sorry slang term but really it is honestly the easiest solution do what makes you happy..

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A female reader, lonely101 United States +, writes (13 October 2008):

Life is that hard! And relationships have rough spots, they go through trouble and if ended every relationship when it stopped being fun, you'd never have a real relationship.

That being said, it's true there is no real way to stay secure in a relationship. The best way in to be secure with yourself, know who you are and what you want. Guys are more secure in relationships when the girl is more secure in the relationship. I think possibility 3 is your best bet.

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A male reader, prof_orr United States +, writes (12 October 2008):

prof_orr agony auntLife is not that complicated.

Rule of thumb, "Do it so long as it's fun. When a relationship is no longer fun, end it."

I'm thinking you've been watching too many Dr. Phil Shows.

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