A
female
age
26-29,
*oli
writes:I've been seeking out nothing more than casual sex online and made this blatant on my dating profile.However, getting date raped as a result has become a fear.I'm afraid that, in the situation where I want to take things slow, postpone the act, or not want to engage in anything at all, in a given gentleman's home (or mine even)I might cause irritation which could possibly lead to aggression against me.To try avoid this, I set up my first dates in public places where I get to 'know' and feel out the guy. However, looks can be deceiving.There is a particular guy I'd like to have sex with now, but I've yet to meet him for a first meeting in public.He seems insistent on meeting privately to 'make things less awkward', but I've disagreed. If after meeting him, we set up a date in one of our homes, how do I avoid getting raped if I find I am no longer comfortable engaging in it at that particular moment?*If I make things clear on whatsapp, can the conversations count as potential evidence?*Should I carry my pepper spray with me?*Do I get his personal details beforehand? What is considered important info? Full name/facebook profile? Address? Workplace?*Have a girl friend know of my whereabouts on the night?If you wanted to engage in SAFE casual sex, how would you go about it?
View related questions:
workplace Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (6 March 2015):
You've had some really good answers already, but here's some more advice.
- Please do carry pepper spray. There are a lot of companies out there producing pepper spray and the like camouflaged as perfume bottles and lipsticks, so consider getting those. Carry it on your body, not in your bag, so you can reach for it at all times.
- Some basic self defense tips if things get ugly:
#1. hit the throat. Seriously, this will take down any person, no matter how big or strong they care. And the best thing: one hit is enough.
#2. If he grabs you in any way, don't focus on pulling at his hands or anything like that. Focus on the parts of him that are now vulnerable to attack: eyes, throat, groin. Hit him there. If that doesn't work the first time, do it again. Repeat until he's not a threat anymore and then get the hell out.
#3. Don't knee him in the balls if he's standing close; he'll headbutt you while bending over from the pain.
#4. If your hands are pinned and you are otherwise immobile, bite him. I'm serious. Plus, fun fact: we carry more bacteria in our saliva than dogs so the chance he gets an infection is pretty big. Yay.
#5. Never stand around watching your handiwork. Look around, determine where the exits are, (and to make sure none of his buddies are around to catch you) and run
- When you meet up with him in public and if you two decide you're interested, lay down some ground rules already. This may feel awkward but it'll save you a lot of trouble down the road.
#1.Tell him no means no and that if for any reason, you feel uncomfortable when you guys get together, you expect him to respect that and back off. Of course the same goes the other way around. Make him verify that he is on board with that. Pay attention to the way he behaves when he does. If he is vague at this point, call it off.
#2. Tell him where your boundaries are when it comes to sex. Some people like it rough, others don't. Make sure he knows where the line is for you.
Good luck! And remember, if a guy sets off warning bells, cut contact and look at the next prospect. Might take you a while to find a safe partner, but better safe than sorry.
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (5 March 2015):
 Ok, seriously, i would NEVER get involved with any man, in any type of CASUAL sexual encounter.
There are many reasons as to why it is not highly recommended, nor fullproof, but primarily, bec you are getting together, in the physical @ some point, with a man that you hardly know, a man who may have slept around with many other women, prior to sleeping with you & this would be very likely actually, as if he's prepared to sleep with you, a total stranger, that he's only just met, all for the sake of quick, casual sex & you ought to know the rest...............
Also & very importantly, is he a potential danger, threat to you??
He may very well be, especially if he has nothing to lose. He may get the urge to force you, just to get his rocks off.
What if you guys got togther, you feel a sudden sense of fear, dread, but he then forces himself upon you?
How on earth will you get out of that situation?
Please think about this seriously.
I don't mean to sound rude, nor nasty, but why @ your young age, are you so keen, perhaps even desperate, to want to have casual sex so much?
Is it possible that you have some low self esteem issues that require working on?
Is it that you've somehow been made to feel worthless, or to feel like a sex object, that you must have regular intercourse, in order to feel better about yourself?
Again, i apologise, but i do wonder.
Sex is actually one of lifes most beautiful acts, between a man & a woman, or two people who love one another, but to feel the urge to sleep with strangers on a casual basis, really takes away from the sacredness & the beauty of marvellous & pure lovemaking.
Now i am not preaching, nor criticising your personal choices, however, i feel that someday, as a woman, you will really regret your current lifestyle choice.
I have been in 5 long term relationships, i'm now engaged & in my 6th serious relationship & the past still haunts me from time to time.
I regret my past so dearly, yet i can do nothing to change any of it & yes, regret is such a waste of time, of ones emotion.
I would encourage you very strongly, to work on yourself, abstain from any sexual connection, until you meet that special someone, a man you really feel a special connection with, then you, yourself, would see & you would tell me the difference.
You are so young, you have plenty of time for great sex up your sleeve.
Also, again, be most careful, cautious regarding STDs, unwanted pregnancy, potential rape, as you say.
You are taking way too many risks, by simply sleeping around, just because you feel the urge & it feels good.
Take your life more seriously, not to mention the negative, personal impact, that your choices now, may have on your psyche, in years to come.
My son is now a teenager, i am told by many that he is very handsome, he is very intelligent, @ Uni next year, yet he has no desire to have sex with beautiful young women.
He has always told me that he will wait until he has found that special someone.
Sure he loves, respects girls & he has many female friends, but that's where he draws the line. No need to have sex with dozens of young women.
It is possible to abstain, it is much safer, better for your own sanity, security, self-worth, so please think about this very seriously.
You are human, you are precious & you deserve better.
Stay safe & guard yourself!
All the best & let me know how you go. What decision you made. :-)
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 March 2015):
 I've been doing some research on rape in South Africa. Not very good news, I'm afraid.
Here are some interesting posts I found on the topic.
http://www.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/africa/06/20/south.africa.female.condom/
http://jezebel.com/5536082/penis-shredding-condom-cant-actually-prevent-rape
Holy toledo, South Africa has one of the highest levels of rape in the world!
You say you are a shy woman. Please elaborate on why you would want to have casual sex? Do you have a high sex drive?
This isn't adding up for me. Sorry.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 March 2015):
I think the Rapunzel fairy tale is one fantastical expression of the wish to avoid being a victim of rape.
You say you are a shy girl and are looking to find sexual partners online to avoid getting a reputation of 'slut.'
You don't want to have sex immediately upon meeting the online guy and so say you may want to go slow or postpone the act or decide against having sex at all.
This is called 'dating.'
"I'm afraid that, in the situation where I want to take things slow, postpone the act, or not want to engage in anything at all, in a given gentleman's home (or mine even)I might cause irritation which could possibly lead to aggression against me." Ah, the ages old problem. He gets irritated because he thought your seeming sexual availability means he doesn't have to ask and when he tries, he gets told "no, not yet" or "no, not now" or "no, not ever."
There are one or two aunts here who will point out that it's so much easier for women to find casual sex and other anon aunts who will assume that date rape is the automatic [and somehow 'deserved'] consequence of wanting to find a sex partner.
You say you set up your dates first in public so presumably you have done this a few times.
----
"If after meeting him, we set up a date in one of our homes, how do I avoid getting raped if I find I am no longer comfortable engaging in it at that particular moment?
---
You say no and he leaves. If he's a sexual predator then there's not much you can do to avoid being raped then, so clearly the best thing to do is to have more information on him and a thorough check on this before getting sexually intimate.
--------
*If I make things clear on whatsapp, can the conversations count as potential evidence?
------
That's a great question for an attorney or solicitor. If you have to ask then perhaps you should explore other ways to be safe.
----
*Should I carry my pepper spray with me?
Assuming pepper spray is legal in your area then by all means do so. However remember that if you don't have access to that pepper spray then having it won't help and may in fact be used against you.
----
*Do I get his personal details beforehand? What is considered important info? Full name/facebook profile? Address? Workplace?
----
If you are so worried about date rape then of course you need to have all his personal details beforehand so you can get him arrested and charged when he does rape you. I'd go for driver's license number, and address and car license and make details. Workplace would be good too.
______
*Have a girl friend know of my whereabouts on the night?
I'd go one better and have a girlfriend nearby if you are having sex with a guy you don't know all that well. Now how that might impact your wish to have a discreet sex life, you will have to determine if personal privacy outweighs personal safety in this point.
------
If you wanted to engage in SAFE casual sex, how would you go about it?....
I'd find a guy who was looking for FWB and make sure we'd both been screened for STDs....
In other words, you have to do due diligence. Whether in finances or personal safety, you still have to have a plan.
You do sound like you could cope with that.
One more thing, don't assume that your online dating profile will protect your privacy on your campus. Assume that what you put out there will eventually be identified with you. Having that past be found out is probably way more likely than you being date raped....
---
No one deserves to be raped. Going out on a date with a man you met on a casual sex hookup site doesn't mean that you have to have sex with him nor does it mean that he should expect sex with you.
If you want an honorable guy who will respect your wish for sex only but only after you say yes then you alas will have to do some more due diligence. That's not rocket science.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 March 2015):
 You can't really be safe, you know. That's the terrible thing about it. Most rapists knew their victim very well, and were often friends or even family before the rape. Statistically, NOT knowing the guy at all means you are less likely to get raped by him. But that's statistics.
The truth is, nothing you do can or will prevent a rape, if you run into a rapist. A man who rapes will rape, no matter what you've agree to before hand, no matter what you wear, no matter if you've met him before or not, and no matter if your friends know where you are.
Having friends know where you are, having "proof" in writing that you didn't plan on sex etc, well what good will that do? It wont prevent a rapist from raping you.
It's all down to misfortune, really, whether you run into a rapist or not. You can play by the book and never meet anyone for casual sex, and yet end up a rape victim. The sad truth is... women just aren't safe anywhere.
I've been the subject of unwanted sexual attention, and in both cases where it happened I was with friends. I wasn't even alone, yet these types of men they don't care. In one case the man wanted to sleep with me, even though I had turned him down. He was a classmate of mine, and I thought we were friends. We were at a party with several other guests! One of my friends were even in the bedroom on the bed, yet this man didn't care, and he dragged me by force to the bedroom, and didn't stop until I was screaming and swearing at him. I mean, how much does it take?!?! Put when there's loud music, and people talking, and being drunk, they don't pay attention to what is going on around them, and rapist... well they just don't take no for an answer and will push and push and force themselves on you. It's a myth that they will just attack you and jump at you from the bushes. The reality is more that they are charmers who makes you think you are safe, then try to tell you it is YOU who lead them on, and guilt you into sleeping with them because apparently you wanted it, and they tell you that you actually do want even if you say no, and they will say no one will believe you if you fight it. Women don't kick and scream in most cases, they just give in, because they feel scared and worried of being hurt, and when being manipulated like that you're made to think that everyone will think you're a slut. That's what this man who attacked me said, that apparently I had dressed as if I just wanted sex (I was fully clothed...), and that I looked like a slut, and that if I didn't sleep with him no one would believe me anyway, so I should just do it....
This became a long reply, but Im just trying to give you insight into my experiences. I don't think you should be so afraid of meeting men, because as long as you stay SOBER, and listen to your GUT feeling, then I believe you are doing everything you can do to protect yourself. Whether you meet men for casual sex or not isn't what puts you at risk of being raped. Being a WOMAN is what puts you at risk of being raped. That's the sad truth.
If you don't feel right about seeing this man at his home, then don't do it, no matter what he says. If he was sincere, he would meet you where you suggested. Don't meet him at all now, because your gut feeling is telling you that something isn't quite right about him. Listen to that gut feeling.
...............................
A
female
reader, Noli +, writes (4 March 2015):
Noli is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a lot for taking the tome to answer thoroughly.I think though, some people are missing the real point because of the ONLINE thing.If I changed the situation around and said, 'how do I avoid date rape with a guy I've been seeing who I met at the video store when he comes over or I go over to his' the negative reaction would not be as much.I'm a shy girl, I find it hard approaching guys about sex in normal social contexts. Plus, as a college student, I'd hate to sleep with someone within or close to my faculty as I don't want to Be labelled the campus slut unable to face the dude on a daily basis of something does not work between us. Another thing, at the college i attend, its pretty much preppy, rich, and lots of White guys, who I'd date, IF they found me attractive... Anyway, I'm going totally off track but i'm trying to justify my online dating use. Lots of factors go into my decision to try online.But the point is this could happen regardless of where i meet a man.Then, yes I plan on having a sex friend of sorts, not one night stand, to answer one of the questions.I don't drink alcohol but thanks, I'll make sure to pay attention to what i'm consuming.I'll take the advice about opting for my home instead. At least until I'm comfortable enough with him down the line. I have a clear pic. We've agreed on meeting in public. I can't remember what else I was planning to address from the answers, but they were VERY helpful. I'm considering looking for someone else if my instincts don't agree with this guy, but I'm taking all the advice seriously. Thanks for caring.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2015):
Attractiveness is one thing. Trustworthiness is another. Don't confuse these two.
Your gut instinct about a guy will probably be correct almost every time. But that only helps if you actually listen to your gut's advice every time. Don't let your attraction to a guy override it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2015): I think just buying a vibrator would be more fun and a lot safer.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 March 2015):
 Your submittal reminds me of a story I read about the early nuclear scientists... They knew that if they put small pieces of enriched Uranium near to each other, there would be a reaction.... rather a very small "explosion" - with a "pop" ... that would blow the pieces away from each other and keep anything more from happening.... They called this "tickling the Dragon's tail".... since that knew that forcing large pieces of uranium together would be, effectively, a nuclear blast...
Sooo.... they did this, repeatedly, in their labs.. because it was "cool."
Over time, many of these scientist exhibited all sorts of odd maladies... that we now know were triggered by the radiation to which they'd exposed themselves whilest "tickling the Dragon's tail"
Why would I tell you this? Because YOU, Dear poster, are "tickling the Dragon's tail" relative to being "date raped"... by putting yourself in to circumstances that you KNOW are condusive to such a result....
Sorry, and good luck....
...............................
A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (3 March 2015):
I've done online hooking up.
I always met them in a public place first as it's impossible to tell how honest a guy has been online.
I would NEVER meet a guy who refused to do this for whatever reason.
I ALWAYS take them back to my place. At my place, I know:
-I have full phone reception if I need to call for help
-I know how doors open and where keys are
-I know my escape routes
-I know my address and local area so I can tell police where to come and I won't find myself miles from nowhere in an unfamilar area if I have to make a mad dash
-I know my neighbours will hear me if I scream and they would respond.
Getting a dog might also help.
...............................
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (3 March 2015):
I don’t think you can hook up safely with a person you don’t even know. If you asked me whether you should do so, I’d always say no. But as you have decided this is what you want, follow all your own suggestions to be as safe as you can. If they don’t respect your terms, such as meeting in public, or are hesitant to share any of the information with you, I’d view this as a major red flag and you should call it off. I do have to say, though, that what you’re doing is very dangerous indeed: going to the homes of people you hardly know is very risky indeed. Anyone can turn on the charm for one public meeting if they’re intent on persuading you to go to their home. I would urge you to stop this altogether, whilst trying to advise you on how to be as safe as you can be if that’s not up for discussion. Please, take care.
I wish you all the very best.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 March 2015):
 You know, it breaks my heart that ANY girl HAVE to TRY and avoid rape.
But here is what I would consider.
TRUST your instincts. IF anything seems off with him, even if he is HANDSOME or CHARMING - if he gives you an odd vibe, make up an excuse and leave. YOU DO NOT have to be polite and stay. IF a friend of his (male) shows up, walk away. The likelihood of "bad" things just more then doubled.
If your cell phone can take pictures I might consider snapping one of him. (not a "candid" or "naked" photo but of his face). You can delete it later.
WHERE to have sex? Well, I'll be darned if I know. LETTING him know where YOU live can be a danger. But going to HIS place can be a danger too, and so can a hotel or other public place.
Now if you are talking one-night stands I think the chance of "bad" things happening is HIGHER then finding a guy who is willing to have sex without a relationship.
ALWAYS bring condoms and INSIST he uses one. ALWAYS.
I'd bring pepper spray, yep.
If you decide you want to bail out and not go through with it and he tries anyways, yelling FIRE is actually more USEFUL (if you are trying to get someone to HELP you) then yelling rape. Sad, but true.
If he has on a wedding band when you met in public, walk away.
Stay away from alcohol and like YouWish said DRINKS/WATER you haven't seen poured or opened.
Always let someone you can trust KNOW where you are. If plans change, make sure you text that someone.
DO NOT GET IN A CAR with a guy. GET the address and follow in a taxi or something.
However, there are no guarantees.
Now imagine you had been a guy writing this post... People would have written 2 lines, don't drink too much and have fun.. With a woman you get as much safety advice as we can think off. The world truly NEEDS to change this.
Please stay safe.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2015): DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT go to this guy's home!
You have thought about some things/alternatives, but you seem to have missed a thing: how do you know that he'll be the ONLY one waiting for you there?
And pepper spray, whilst always good to have at hand, is not really much defence against a guy (or several)... Is even meant as a distraction technique (whilst you run away), not a self-defence one.
Meeting people is smart. Why not go to a bar, meet up with some guys,see if there is any sexual chemistry/see if you fancy him and take it from there? If you don't fancy any one you just go home alone. That's that.
That way you flirt in person and get a vibe.
Or how about a friend with benefits?
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 March 2015):
 You could and should do all of these things. Online dating has a danger as well as meeting in person. I have always researched people online that I start developing friendships with (I am married, so I can't speak to online dating), and I have met friends online in person.
Four things I can tell you -
1. Trust your gut. If you're getting an uneasy vibe from this guy, then don't meet him. Never disregard that or override it.
2. Always stay in direct communication with friends or family. Relay the address of where you're going, including a home address.
3. Do not accept a drink that you didn't see him pour. As in, if he goes to the kitchen or brings you something from a bartender you didn't SEE the bartender pour in front of you. Walk INTO the kitchen and offer to pour, or accept something sealed, like a soda or bottled water that has not been opened. Do not overindulge on alcohol as it is.
In the event that your best efforts still get you into an uncomfortable situation, saying "no" and "stop" isn't enough. Shouting loudly "I do not consent. You are sexually assaulting me." or "You will not rape me" takes away the plausible deniability from him. Never go to a place without having an exit strategy, as in you should drive there so your vehicle is at the ready.
...............................
|
