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How to avoid conflict with someone who does evrything to provoke one?

Tagged as: Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 May 2015) 4 Answers - (Newest, 7 May 2015)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I love my mother-in-law. She has great qualities. Being a good mother is not among them. Repeating a bad relationship she had with her father, she created one with her husband (who's no angel by any means) and in the end one with her son. She simply cannot live in harmony. She needs conflict so that she can be a victim-the only role she ever knew as a child, girl and a mature woman.

At some point, for a period of couple of years, she even abandoned my husband when he was about 5 years old. She send him off to live with his father (her ex-husband by that time) who never wanted a child and never cared for anyone but himself.

Anyway, my husband worked hard to become the man he is today in every sense, and realizing that he will never have a healthy relationship with either of his parents he stopped trying to have any kind of deep, honest conversation about the past.

We take care of his mother financially as much as we can (she has her pension but it's really far from enough to cover the basics). She lives in our old appartment (thus she doesn't have to pay rent), we help her with the bills... I write to her regularly and call her from time to time. We haven't seen her since the last big conflict she created, three years ago. She still gives piano lessons. That way she stays active (she likes doing it) and earns something on the side.

She will come for a visit in ten days (we live in another country, there's an ocean between us) and she has already started "planting the seed" of conflict. How does she do that? Easy...Here's one exemple.

A couple of years ago we bought some new appliances for her and a flat-screen TV. Now she needs a new computer and we wanted to help her buy it at the store where we bought the TV (our friend runs the business and always gives us a good deal, including a long guarantee). She started complaining that our friend sold her (techinacally he sold US) a TV without a USB port (she's 75 yeras old somebody told her that her TV hasn't got one, she has no idea that a computer has them let alone TV's)... implying that she's not satisfied with what we bought her back then. Btw, she participated in the decision and at the time we explained what our budget was, so she could have said she didn't want a TV set at all if we couldn't buy a more expensive one.

I wanted to remind her that our friend wasn't trying to scam us, that is was just a question of money and that we didn't have more and add that she can of course buy a computer wherever she wants and that we will pay for a half.

She knows that we do not lead a life of luxury (we haven't gone on a vacation for three years, we buy our clothes in decent second-hand shops, our furniture si second hand too, we just repair it... I'm not complaining, I'm grateful for the life we have, this was just to illustrate). I work two jobs and we try to save so that we could have have for a "rainy day". It rained a lot in the past few years but we keep our little family afloat.

She's not a bad person and she's not (ab)using us. We don't bend ourselves to her whims. We help her because we want to, as much as we can and that's it. She just needs the drama. She had a difficult childhood herself. She needs to create conflict. We want to avoid it this time at all cost. To be honest, this may be the last time they will see each other. Having lost my parents at an early age I know how important it is to know thay they knew you loved them and you feel loved too. I hope this makes sense...

I thought about avoiding sensitive topics and talking only about the good times... I just don't know how to deal with her ""arrows". Pretend I don't see/hear them?

Thanx in advance and sorry for (descriptive) venting...

View related questions: money, period

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2015):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanx Honeypie!

The thing she craves more than anything is attention. That is teh kind of attention she wants.

I'm grateful for my husband, but neither his mother nor his father should have had children.

He turned out teh way he is today because somehow he raised himself. I can't explain better than that.

But she's not a bad person. She helps people and cares about them, it's just that at the same time she loves his son (us) and is jelous. I neve thought these two emotions could mix.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (7 May 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI think the reason she was/is a sucktastic mother is because she puts herself first ALWAYS. THAT is just who she is.

Like the parents who complain about how they can't DO anything because children are expensive.... Well, the kids didn't just show up...

Trying to reason with her isn't going to work, hence the "kill" her with kindness.

You husband most likely know she is a "lost cause" when it comes to mother/son relationship, but he feels a sense if duty to take care of her. And that is admirable, even if.. she seems to take advantage as best as she can.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2015):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you... I loved that recipe - killing someone with kindness :)

She indeed has an over-inflated sense of self. Give her a finger and she'll bite off your hand.

It's strange how she thinks that the closer you are to someone the more you can test that person's limits. I know she loves her son. She loves him she'd die for him, just not live with/for him. As you say drama-lama...

Now I feel stupid for having believed once that her relationship with my husband can be healed in a way... I feel even "stupider" for still thinking that it could..

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (6 May 2015):

Honeypie agony auntKILL her with kindness.

If she complain about stuff you got for her, suggest she saves up and buy JUST what she wants, and LEAVE it at that. DO NOT take it personal.

I think PART of her behavior is due to her life and part of it is some really misguided anger at herself for having someone TAKE care of her. She obviously think she should live in Buckingham Palace, but that is just not realistic. She just have a over-inflated sense of self.

I think AS LONG as you and your husband have a united front she won't get far with her drama-lama show.

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