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male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello,Here is an interesting one for you. I am married (with kids). My wife is very beautiful (former Miss), we have great sex - I can get it on demand, whatever I want, I think I love her, surely I wouldn't want to hurt her. Yet, I can't stop paying attention to other women, on the street, at work, on Twitter, you name it. I'm not a player and I wouldn't approach another woman on my own initiative. I'm not considering myself good looking, though apparently I project some sort of calm confidence. Yet some women give me hints of their interest and that gets me nuts! Sometimes they are from work, sometimes women I meet at friends' parties, etc. The thought that if I would just play along a little bit I could have that woman it's tantalizing! It happened many times. Even today I got a message from one on my Facebook account asking "Hi, how are you?" (this made me ask this question here). Why would a woman that barely knows me and that I didn't encourage with anything do that? I am tempted to start a chat because she's kinda hot but I know that would be a mistake. Yet, my imagination now is going crazy. What is wrong with me?!? I need to find a way to stop being tempted or I'll go crazy. Any advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2016): Loving the answers to this! I'm in a similar situation myself and find most people just want to shout their opinons on cheating rather than help!Being male and driven by hormones is as bad as... well, as bad as being a woman and being driven by hormones. What makes it funny is that men 'cheat' and women 'have affairs!'Saying no is easy. Always saying no becomes difficult. Telling your wife about what's happening is both brave and a sign of the strength of your relationship. But, as I've heard it put before 'it's not the ones I tell you about that should you be worried about!'In my quest to understand the biological and mental conflict, I've found a little solace in the following advice: whenever temptation arises, ask yourself what's in it for you and for your wife. We all know what you'd get out of it, but what about your wife? Hopefully the answer will lead you to step away from the temptation and have a cheeky smile over the fact girls still like you. This way, your ego still gets fed (we all like our egos fed). Or the answer will lead you to realise something isn't quite right in the relationship.
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reader, Eagle'sfan1986  +, writes (19 November 2016):
I think you just answered your own question. You wouldn't want to hurt your own wife at all since you're unavailable to other women. I know you must be tempted but glad you're refraining from doing something that will ruin your marriage to your wife. That is what a good husband is all about being faithful to his spouse. Keeping the family together. You can ignore or block if you don't want to talk to the woman at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2016): Life comes with challenges, obstacles, and opportunities. Building character and trying to be good is a minute to minute challenge for all human beings, period.
The point of my advice is to stimulate thought and to educate. Not to humiliate or degrade. It may not go down easy, and it isn't only intended for just the OP. I offer wisdom from my own experience, and feel an obligation to pass it on. Hoping to help and contribute something to the common good.
Fidelity is refusing to compromise the trust you build to establish a meaningful and lasting relationship. It's only one element of a successful relationship. There are far more serious challenges to being a man, than keeping our penises in our pants. Temptation isn't the hardest, my friend.
I disagree with the commentary that implies there are no real good men. You are incorrect that they live in a bubble, we all have to face everything life can throw at us.
It's a daily battle. You can't kill, exploit, or steal. These are great temptations as well. We do our best, and we usually win! Most temptations revisit, over and over. You do get better at resisting them, if you have the balls to face the challenge.
Sir, there are men who are faithful. Good and bad. All married-men are tempted. All married-men do not succumb to temptation, if they value their marriages. Yes, it is tough. So what is the point of marriage, if we don't feel obligated to be faithful? How does going outside of the relationship constitute improving the relationship?
Most problems men face come from inflated egos, an over-developed sense of entitlement, greed, and a dick that has no conscience. We don't win every challenge, but love gives us the extra strength and armor to face the war of sexual temptation.
Replies and rebuttals to advice usually alter the original context of an original post. Suddenly the OP doesn't mean what they've said, and have a totally different perspective. Clarification may shed new light, but a total contradiction is entirely different.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 November 2016):
 "What is wrong with me?!? I need to find a way to stop being tempted or I'll go crazy. Any advice?”
vs.
“Being cerebral doesn’t mean that you don’t get tempted - in my case it means that I'm trying to analyze it logically, find the cause and a solution."
If you’ve hit the age of 41-50 and haven’t realized that you can and will find temptation for the rest of your life, well, here’s the newsflash: you can be tempted by someone at any time in your life.
A close relative is in dementia care and guess what? Those people are sexually aroused, even at age 60 or 70 or 80!
It happens.
What matters is what you choose to do with that temptation.
You initially stated that you were going to go crazy. If you know something is a bad idea, why go down that road?
I knew in my 20s that men (and one or two women) would find me attractive and make advances. I also knew that when I did commit to my husband that I would not act on any such advances.
Married men chased me. I had one go so far he actually lost his job. It was a pathetic show of hormones over common sense on his part.
Perhaps it would help if you told your wife to withhold sex until you’ve earned it in some way? You said you could “get it on demand,” so if it’s the frisson of excitement (“will she say yes?”) that you are lacking in your sex life, then let her keep you guessing. Make you work harder and earn her favors.
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reader, jls022  +, writes (14 November 2016):
That's exactly it OP - there will always be temptations for both men AND women. It's what a person does about those temptations that determines their character.
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reader, Slippers +, writes (14 November 2016):
May I ask a q's .. how is hi how are you? A come on ?? I mean your wife must be gutted when you show her that message .. The reason I ask this .. is I ask my postman the same thing and maybe my gp .. and yet if they were to make even the slightest move I'd be disgusted by it .. its a friendly opener that's all .. but you've convinced yourself it's something more
And the reason why we are jumping to your wife's aid ..is you use words like "I think I love her " .. " surely I wouldn't hurt her .. surely .. is an odd word to use .. I wonder if your wife thinks so .. Durley is unsure whether you would as is think .. your either know you do or you don't .. everyone sometimes wonders .for a brief second as they weigh up their life ..their love and their future and like poof it moves on
You have on the other hand ..sat and pondered .. I'm a thinker a fretter a worry wort .. I like desecting stuff .. In my head .. However this I never would ..
And you say you discuss this with your wife .. I'm sorry but I truly doubt it .. not what you've put in here today .. and nobody on here has name called you .. I did say you have a ego and you do .. you think hi means bed .. It does not it is just being nice and friendly .. There is nothing in your post that shows me any female hitting on you .. when left to give your own example that was the best you could find .. hi how are you ..
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reader, Slippers +, writes (14 November 2016):
May I ask a q's .. how is hi how are you? A come on ?? I mean your wife must be gutted when you show her that message .. The reason I ask this .. is I ask my postman the same thing and maybe my gp .. and yet if they were to make even the slightest move I'd be disgusted by it .. its a friendly opener that's all .. but you've convinced yourself it's something more
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2016): Just hope your wife doesn't get tempted either, OP!
It's not just men, you know!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clarify because it seems to come up over and over again. My wife knows all this and we discuss it. I show her all the messages. We talk about male vs female fantasies, we talk openly about everything, including ways to spice up our relation (as I mentioned, I'm not complaining about that part). Being cerebral doesn't mean that you don't get tempted - in my case it means that I'm trying to analyze it logically, find the cause and a solution. I am a researcher and I develop mathematical models for a living. In math, name calling doesn't resolve the problem, but it's fine, I can discard that part from the answers and read between the lines. I wasn't asking if I should cheat - of course that's a bad idea and inevitably bound to be discovered. What I'm hearing is that either "good" men don't get tempted and live in a bubble of perpetual bliss or they do get tempted but they use their will to stay on course. Simple enough, I guess.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2016): It doesn't sound to me as if you love her at all. I've seen man when they're in love and they can't get enough of the one they love. They seem blind to other women. And very happy with who they're with.
The opposite of what you're experiencing right now.
I think if you admit you don't love her, you just love being seen with her and being able to 'have 'her, then you could set both of you free and you can dick about all you like and she can be with someone who deserves her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2016): Sir, you contradict yourself by claiming that you are cerebral. You haven't used logic at all, this is purely sexually-compulsive behavior. A matter requiring self-control and restraint. You're easily seduced by stupid flirtations from random females.
Be that the case; then intellect should overrule your sexual-impulses. You got all philosophical about what the definition of love is; as if it's some kind of theory you ponder over. This is only because you simply want to screw around, and you don't honor or respect your marriage. Nor the coherence of your family unit. Ponder over that!
Don't try to rationalize your behavior by claiming others aren't immune to temptation. No one is. We fight some of our raw urges and wild impulses because we weigh the consequences. We earn trust through loyalty, honor, and fidelity. Simple decency. Some of us do know what love is, without having to define it in intellectual terms. Some of us know how to give and receive it; yet always being aware of the feelings and trust of our chosen mates.
Never say never; but giving-in too easily is just being an assh*le. To put it bluntly.
The point is resisting temptation. Why would anyone bother committing to a monogamous-relationship, or taking vows of marriage; if their intent is to go f*ck anyone you please whenever you please? Just because you're tempted to?
Your mind is quite made-up apparently, and maybe you're not so cerebral, but more apathetic towards your wife. She was a pretty thing you simply had to own. Now that you have her; time to go out and chase some random tail. She means little more than a piece of property, if you only "think" you love her. Either you do, or you don't!
Perhaps this is all just the prelude to your divorce. Sex with random women is more of what you want; and no further responsibility for a wife and family. It has nothing to do with temptation; it's all about your dick.
Cerebral?!! Dude, seriously?!!
Deal with midlife like a man. Don't behave like some horny kid who just discovered why he gets a boner!
Sometimes you don't know what you've got until it's gone.
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reader, singinbluebird +, writes (14 November 2016):
 I didnt want to say anything because I WiseOwl and Brownwolf said it all and everyone else had a good input. But I think youre wife is giving it to you too good and shes allowing you to have it all time. Time for her to pull back and have you work a bit, it sounds like the sex is great but youre looking for a chase and you have her already and can get it anytime, but once she pulls back I think youll be begging for her again. And Ive seen this plenty with men. If they are still chasing the wife, they dont have much time to chase girls around them. Your wife is spoiling you too much and above that you said you 'think' you love her. Maybe your marriage is far too cerebral, either you do or you dont. If you have to think about I wonder how in love you are. Love is an act, its not a thought honey. Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2016): You're an idiot!I can tell you one thing for sure...You are going to give up the best for the rest.You will find that out the hard way.The great sex you have with your wife will NEVER be duplicated with other women. It's just a FANTASY in your OWN head that it will. And once you get out there and see what kind of women are lingering around and how they are in the bedroom, you will see that they don't measure up. You will still feel empty and yet still unsatisfied. But add guilt and self hatred to that mix. And REGRET. You would regret every single moment you betrayed your beautiful wife. It will live within you for the rest of your life. DO NOT CROSS THAT LINE. You are dangerously close.Keep the fantasies to yourself. They will never be what you think they are in real life. THIS IS THE TRUTH! Men are generally so sex driven that they are willing to lose the best thing that ever happened to them for something sub standard. She would find out. And you cannot have it all! Something will give and you are going to pay for it. Do not think for a single moment a woman scorned is not going to chew you up and spit you out once she's done with you. In every which way possible. So, be prepared. So many men think they can get away with it. That it was just a moment of fun. It meant nothing. Just thrills. Nobody will ever know. They are entitled. Blah blah blah. But never underestimate a woman's intuition and intelligence. We are quite a formidable force! And you will find that out!I am not sure how you would be able to cope losing this beautiful woman who can have any man on the face of the earth. And she CHOSE YOU. You should feel special and honoured. To have what all men want. And to treasure it. Not toss it away like trash.Trust me, once you go for the scraps at the bottom of the garbage can, you will miss the gourmet meal that you have had all these years. And what's worse? She will be giving it all to another man. He is going to be enjoying her body. F#cking her day and night. On demand. Like you used to. But oh no, you were interested in crumbs. Reap what you sow.Just know that I worry about my partner doing the same thing as you. I am also beautiful and have men following me. He is away and I have been loyal. Because that it what you do when you love someone. I could have sex with any guy right now and my BF is overseas. I am not interested in any other man. Nor would I ever entertain the thought of any other man. I would never hurt my boyfriend like that. By sharing my body. What is HIS. With another person. How would you like another c#ck inside your woman? Don't think for one moment there is not BETTER than you out there! THERE IS! Don't think for one moment she cannot FIND BETTER than you out there! SHE CAN! Maye a bigger c#ck would satisfy her more than yours? But has she gone out looking? NO! Why? Because she made a commitment to you. And you to her. Now, grow up, BE A REAL MAN (Yeah, we need more REAL MEN IN THE WORLD WHO ARE NOT LED AROUND BY THEIR DICKS)and honour your commitment to your WIFE!You, her own husband, the man she trusts and is her rock in life, should NEVER, EVER be the one RESPSONSIBLE for DESTROYING HER!I suggest doing a marriage check. Having a good talk. Getting it out. And working on it. Even if you need the intervention of a marriage counsellor. Something is missing. You need to solve this and things will get back on track. Men keep it inside and fix it somewhere else. Do not do that. Be open with her. Vulnerable. You need to be. Give your wife a chance to make you happy again. But you need to TELL her how you feel. Honesty is KEY in a marriage. ALWAYS.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirstly, I appreciate all the answers and your time going through my dilemma. When I said that I "think" I love my wife, what I mean is exactly that, I do think I love her and I'm troubled that I'm tempted by others when I shouldn't be. Quite often, I discuss with my wife the "definition" of love and it's not easy to find one, especially when the infatuation phase ends. We are both very cerebral and have long discussions on this kind of stuff - and it kills me that I cannot snap out of the other things. The ladies don't always understand this, but the normal state for men is the equivalent of getting a shot of powerful aphrodisiac on daily basis. It affects everything you do. You may think that "good" men are immune to temptations but they just haven't been really tested. Anyway, I guess I'll heed to the advice of counting my blessings and stay out of trouble, maybe is just a phase, midlife crisis, etc.
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reader, N91 +, writes (14 November 2016):
 I think wiseowl and brownWolf put it brilliantly by flipping the situation if it was your wife doing it to you. Not such a nice thought anymore is it?
Sure it's easy to become bored when youre with someone for a long time, but you've given your marriage vows to this woman and fell in love with her for a reason.
If things have gotten boring, then spice things up and start showing her more affection. To throw away what you have to sleep with another woman would be the most foolish and reckless decision of your life.
I think you have a lot you need to think about.
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reader, Slippers +, writes (14 November 2016):
I totally agree with wise owl and brown wolf and I was cheering through every passage they wrote .. here the thing though Mr knowitall. . saying hi is not flirting .. I say hi to lots of people and it means nothing .. I'm not on Facebook so couldn't say .. but it's just a hi .. you hit the jackpot with your wife the creme De creme and I think you think your some kind of God .. With an ego as the boys say to boot .
I agree with wise owl thinking you love someone isn't love. .your wife doesn't need your pity .. maybe you should allow your wife to have someone who really does love her .. While you end up with egg over your face and nothing ..
As that's what you deserve .. or maybe someone who treats you the same way .
I'm not normally hard and I do try and see both sides to any who write .. but honestly you so full of yourself and self centred .. that it's hard to advice other than
LEAVE your wife .. your not happy
Leave your wife ...let her be happy with someone who will love her .
You are not some stallion believe me she will have a queue waiting for her attention.. I wonder if you will ??
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reader, Slippers +, writes (14 November 2016):
I totally agree with wise owl and brown wolf and I was cheering through every passage they wrote .. here the thing though Mr knowitall. . saying hi is not flirting .. I say hi to lots of people and it means nothing .. I'm not on Facebook so couldn't say .. but it's just a hi .. you hit the jackpot with your wife the creme De creme and I think you think your some kind of
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reader, BrownWolf +, writes (14 November 2016):
Imagine your "former Miss" laying on bed with some other guy enjoying her in every which way. Imagine her having the time of her life with him, because she wants every thought of you cheating out of her head.
Then imagine you re-reading this part of your post....
"My wife is very beautiful (former Miss), we have great sex - I can get it on demand, whatever I want,"
...And you lost it all for what??? The same thing your wife offers you.
People always want what the don't have. But you....You have what many men would want...and you say thank you by doing what???
Oh I hope you cheat...I really hope you do. To look back and see some other man enjoying what was once yours. To have your children call another man daddy, to see your EX wife more happy in the arms of another man who took his vows seriously, knowing that he is having her whenever he wants.
What will you do then? Would you be jealous? Angry? Resentful? Full of hate? Full of contempt? Spread bad rumours about her? Tell your kids hateful things about their mother? All because you wanted what you already have. Greed is a very dangerous thing. It has ruin countless men, families, and whole countries.
That saying "Be careful what you wish for"... is very true. Those who plant trouble...they always get a bigger harvest than they expect.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2016): Temptation is something else but I would not allow it to destroy my marriage.When you married your wife she became one with you so if you hurt her you hurt yourself .Don't allow self seductive actions break your family up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2016): This is bound to happen over the course of any type of long-term relationship at some point. The point of monogamy is being committed to one person. We remain single when that isn't possible.
I guess you have to use an old-fashioned exercise not widely practiced these days. Self-control. Let the mind have it's way as far as fantasy goes, but the body and feet don't have to follow. I guess I seriously consider what I have to lose, and remind myself of how it feels to be cheated on. It felt like crap, and I was mad as hell.
You're human and a man. We sometimes miss the freedom and having a variety of partners; but the point was to settle-down. To find someone we're satisfied to be with. Nature designed us to couple. Unlike lower animals who can wander about randomly screwing any available hole when the urge hits them.
Midlife crisis got you by the balls, mate?
Image that beautiful wife of yours moaning in the arms of another man. Enjoying his touch and the feel of him inside her as if you didn't exist. Surely she gets her share of stares and propositions. She may not share or talk about them; but has to ignore them all for your sake. Key-point, all for your sake, and your babies. She has urges and desires too. Doesn't mean she has to yield to every impulse just because the opportunity presents itself. Even worse, go looking for it.
Unfortunately; there are going to be times we get tempted and start weighing the consequences. In the heat of the moment a bad decision could be made.
Still no excuse, you're a married-man.
It is already a widely accepted male-stereotype that most men are pigs and can't keep our pants zipped. We throw away everything we have on a whim and a boner; and heartlessly listen to the smaller head. Feeling no guilt or responsibility for where we dip our wicks. Caring not for the trust and love bestowed upon us.
"She (or he) will never know!" Well, same could happen if she's thinking like you are. How would you feel about that? Do you have the most pleasurable joy-stick on the planet? The only one who can please her? For now, she probably thinks it is. Thus, your ego is so big that it overshadows your heart.
Don't be a legend in your own mind. She got you, but could have gotten better. Still might, someday. Why not speed up that process, if your head's where it's at right now.
It struck me odd that you said you "think you love her."
Perhaps your ego has runaway with you, giving yourself far too much credit for your trophy-wife, and having it all.
What is given can surely be taken away, my friend. We reap what we sow.
Think with the larger head and get a grip man. Throwing away a family is becoming far too easy. Does no one treasure having someone who has taken a risk and given it all to be with just you? Trusting us, and building a life and family together. Now all of a sudden other women seem more important than that?
Go ahead. listen to your dick. I may as well be blunt about it. Be like so many other jerks who cheat on their wives, girlfriends, and boyfriends. Then want to comeback and pretend like everything is normal. Oh, but when the shoe is on the other foot and they meet their karma. Who's more pissed than anyone??? Ready to blow the roof off the building or kill somebody? Nobody's more pissed than a cheater who has been cheated on!
Let the fantasies stay fantasies. Don't respond to flirtations from random women. If you can't control your dick, start filing for divorce; and planning to split it all down the middle, right now.
Did you mean the vows, or were you just kidding with your fingers crossed behind your back?
There is nothing worse than a married-man who doesn't value his wife/husband and family. That reflects badly on all us other guys who appreciate what we have. While a legion of cheating assh*les make those worthy of love feel insecure in trusting our gender.
Why? Only because one too many of us have to follow-through on every impulse to hump a leg like a stray mongrel dog; regardless of promises and vows made that is supposed to bond our unions with trust. Being a real man, and making wiser choices than a stupid horny adolescent boy!
Now think about that.
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reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (14 November 2016):
 Steady tiger! You see a message asking "How are you?" as someone coming on to you? Seriously? Blimey, I have people "coming on to me" every day if that is the standard!
Firstly, I think you need to realize there is a BIG difference between polite friendliness and someone wanting to get in your pants.
Secondly, just because we are in an (allegedly good) relationship does not make us immune to others' attractiveness. What we CHOOSE to do about that is what defines us. The CHOICE is yours.
Just remember, you can do anything you like but everything comes with a price. You CAN go out and get close to these women who you think are coming on to you (although I suspect some of them may be horrified that their friendliness is being misconstrued to this degree) but the price for doing this could be losing your lovely wife (who you "think" you love - what the hell is THAT about?) and your kids.
Man up before you make a fool of yourself and lose your family. You can be polite and friendly while staying "off limits". How would you feel if you wife was thinking the same way as you?
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reader, Betty Blue Eyes +, writes (14 November 2016):
 You really need to weigh up the pros and cons of chatting to this other woman. In my opinion the only pro I see is an ego boost and a bit of excitement but would that really be a good enough reason to possibly ruin a marriage you obviously are extremely happy with?It's clear that you wouldn't cheat but your wife could never be completely sure of that if she found out you were enjoying flirty chats with women you think are interested in you. If everything was reversed and you were married to somebody else, then your wife was this other woman messaging you how would you feel about it? the way she looked, would she give you an ego boost? You've admitted that you think you are punching above your weight with your wife as she's beautiful and you're not exactly a looker. If you are lucky enough to be married to somebody many men would kill for then stop looking for a thrill in the wrong place. . You can have great sex and a great relationship with the person you already have, count yourself lucky with what you have.You aren't a bad person finding other women attractive, we all have eyes and we all look, just try not to make your wife aware of it.How would you feel if your wife was chatting to other men, knowing that she's attractive? You need to put yourself in her shoes and think how badly you would feel if she did it to you. Even if she knew she wouldn't cheat you wouldn't know that for sure would you.If you feel like your life isn't as exciting as you want it to be, try thinking of ways to spice your current relationship. You could suggest some kind of role play? Pretending that your other people or something?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2016): Either they are neglected by their partners or unhappy in their marriage and seekig attention or they are jealous of your wife and they are out to prove that they are better than a former beauty queen. I hope you are not neglecting your wife and pushing her to look for outside attention too.
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