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How should my boyfriend and I deal with a girl who is trying ot get between us?

Tagged as: Dating, Long distance, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 January 2009) 4 Answers - (Newest, 30 January 2009)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hello aunts and uncles, I have a question and the answer may be obvious to some, but I have never dealt with a situation like this before and I don't want to do the wrong thing and blow things out of proportion, I want to deal with this correctly.

Well my boyfriend started college last fall and I'm very proud of him. He told me sometime in the fall that he met a girl (we'll call her P) because she had a picture of a guy riding a BMX bike which my exboyfriend used to ride. My boyfriend asked her if she knew my ex, we'll call him M, and it turns out her best friend is actually married to M now. She asked my boyfriend what my name was and he told her and she said something along the lines of "wow, that's your girlfriend? M's wife found out that he has been trying to contact her online when she searched through his computer" This concerned my boyfriend because M cheated on me a lot and would have no problems trying to cheat on his wife with me (if I allowed it, of course I wouldn't). Well I had to reassure my boyfriend that I had never even been contacted by M in years, so I was a bit confused about why P was telling him this when I haven't even heard from him. I let it slide and put it out of my mind.

Now fast forward to the new semester, my boyfriend tells me P talks to him any chance she gets and he thinks she is flirting with him. She knows we are still together, I asked him the types of things she says to him and it seems pretty neutral, she could just be being friendly. But my boyfriend's friend also thinks P is flirting with my boyfriend. Now when I look back I realize she made up that whole thing about M to cause trouble between us. Yesterday my boyfriend's friend gave P my boyfriend's cell number because their professor told the class to exchange numbers because she doesn't want anyone emailing her blah blah. Well apparently P was trying to get my boyfriend's attention so she could get his number but he didn't realize it, so she asked his friend for it and he gave it to her.

She started texting him last night and flirting with him. My boyfriend kept it short and friendly, but what should I do? This girl has already made up lies about my ex and me to cause trouble and I want to let her know that I don't appreciate the way she is behaving towards my boyfriend, but how do I go about it in a mature way? I'm sorry if this seems a bit trivial, but I have a history of making a big deal out of nothing and I want to move past that type of behavior. I don't really mind if my boyfriend is friends with girls, but I do mind if girls are blatantly flirting with him and trying to cause trouble between us for their own good. My boyfriend asked me how I think he should act towards her also and I don't really know. Should he just be friendly towards her and eventually she will get the point that their relationship will not move past the friendship level? Or should he say something to her so she gets the picture? And should I stay out of it and let him handle it or should I send her a friendly text message asking her to remember that my boyfriend is in a relationship? I am still fairly young and I don't really have friends who could give me proper advice on how to handle this .. they would probably just tell me to send her a nasty message .. and I don't want to handle it that way. I would like advice from some mature and level headed people, so thanks ahead of time!!!

View related questions: best friend, cheated on me, flirt, my ex, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hey Scythe, thanks for the reply. I am VERY proud of him and I'll be sure to let him know. I did not mention this before, but there was a time in our relationship when another girl did kind of the same thing and that time my boyfriend actually flirted back with her. He told me he never had feelings for this other girl, but like soft_letters said, it flattered him I guess. I found the texts in his phone and it was heartbreaking. We stuck through it after a few huge arguements and an initial breakup (we've been together 3 years now) and there have been times where I've wondered whether staying with him was the right thing. Now that this is happening it makes me realize not only that people can change but that my boyfriend really does love me as much as he always tells me he does. It has brought us that much closer now that this is happening and I can see that he's a different, more caring and more mature person now.

I'll keep you updated!! Thanks again!

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A female reader, scythe Australia +, writes (29 January 2009):

scythe agony auntHiya,

I wrote you a longer reply but I closed the page, so I shall make this concise :)

Well done on handling the situation so maturely. It seems your boyfriend is actively trying to discourage her since he worked your name into a conversation she was listening to. Since this is the case, perhaps the smartest, yet hardest thing to do is to let him handle it. Sending a message to the troublemaker seems too confrontational and may make her try harder. She doesn't sound like a very sensible person so I doubt she would respond nicely to your polite request.

By all means, talk to your boyfriend about how this is making you feel. Tell him you are very proud of how he is handling it, give him encouragement to keep doing the right thing. If all goes well this will be a great exercise in trust in your relationship. I'm just trying to point out a positive in this unpleasant situation.

Keep us updated on what's happening, and good luck!

Take care,

Scythe

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hey girls, thanks for your answers. The other day I was actually going to reply and say that maybe what I said came off wrong, because she isn't actually doing it in a dramatic way, but I would have spoken too soon. He told me what she said the other day how she even teases him across the classroom DURING class and I saw a text she sent him last night and it was way more flirtatious than I thought the texts were before. Not only does her flirting piss me off, but to be honest my boyfriend isn't the brightest guy in the world and he needs to work extra hard in college, and here she is distracting him while the professor is teaching. I don't understand why she's being so immature.

I trust my boyfriend and I'm about 99% sure he isn't flirting back. Even he is annoyed with this girl. He told me yesterday while he was talking to his friend and she was listening he brought me up several times purposely but he couldn't tell her reaction. I'm thinking about giving it another week and seeing if it calms down and if not just sending her a text or something saying "hey, this is Xs girlfriend, I would appreciate if you kept your contact with him strictly to a friend-to-friend basis" or something liket hat. What do you think?

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A female reader, Emilysanswers United Kingdom +, writes (23 January 2009):

Ok, so the situation right at this moment is:

1. You and your boyfriend are fine and happy.

2. Dramatic girl is being dramatic.

Really I don't think you have to do anything at this point. If she wants to flatter his ego and make a fool of herself in front of people then let her do it. I find it hilarious when other girls chat up my husband because I take it as a compliment and then watch him try and fight them off.

If she texts him then he can just ignore it and tell her that he was having a massive night of diarrhea so didn't get her text till too late. There is no way she can turn that round and flirt with a guy who says that.

This girl loves causing trouble for what ever reason and if you get involved and try and text her then it will just prove to her it's working. If you sit back and laugh at her messages and flirting then what does she get out of it? Nothing.

Get your boy to ignore a few more of her texts and let him have a bit of an ego boost when she floats around him at college. If you point out that it's funny because it's pathetic then he'll probably see it like that too. Make jokes about it with his friend and he can sit and giggle at her when she's flirting at college.

She'll give up as soon as she realises she's not getting what she wants.

Good Luck!! xx

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