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How should I tell my new boyfriend about my breast deformity?

Tagged as: Dating, Health<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 September 2015) 5 Answers - (Newest, 9 September 2015)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

This is very embarrassing, but I have tuberous breast deformity. It means my breast don't look normal and did not develop properly. My case is severe. You can research it if you are unsure of the condition.

My breast are very small and odd triangular shaped, my nipples point completely downward, and they are naturally saggy because of my condition. It's really no way a 21 y/o females breast should look.

This has of course always heavily affected me psychologically. It's also the reason I've avoided dating. I had one boyfriend in high school and he saw them and made fun of me and told his friends. It was the worse thing I've ever been through.

Well I unexpectedly met a wonderful man and I've been seeing him for about 5 months. I have not told him about my breasts. Eventually I have to talk with him about it. Of course I will be emotional and embarrassed. I just don't think I will ever be comfortable showing any man my breasts when even I don't like them. But at the same time I want this guy to like me and my body.

What should I do? Is this something that will affect my relationships forever?

View related questions: breasts, nipples

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (9 September 2015):

YouWish agony auntThey DO correct breast deformities. You have to build the case of the surgery being constructive to heal a defect rather than a cosmetic augmentation. You have to start with your primary care provider signing off on a referral with a proper diagnosis. Then insurance will approve it.

I had to wait until I finished high school, as they don't like to perform surgery on a developing figure.

Your mother and grandmother are seriously wrong. It's not something you "get over". I was lucky my mom was understanding. In high school, I was lucky that people were awesome and actually protective of me about it. I had a friend who tried to insult me about it, and she was berated by several other friends of mine.

I dated. I just didn't take off my shirt/bra. The prosthetic felt real.

Anyways, become really knowledgeable about your health insurance. You'll have to work your case, but they DO cover reconstructive surgeries. You may want to look into health care law to see if a lawyer can argue if you don't feel like you can. I get embarrassment!! I hate even talking about it, which is why I didn't on here. I fought for a normal life. In Jr. High, I fought people. I don't believe in violence, but punching guys who sexually grope you or getting into it with mean girls who ridicule you? My mom knew I was struggling.

You'll be okay!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2015):

Hi youwish I thank you so much for telling your story. I can relate to a lot of what you said. If insurance would correct my breasts I would probably consider it down the road, but they don't.

My mother and grandma know about my issue. They just basically told me to get over it as they feel it's just a cosmetic concern and I'm over reacting. I don't necessarily agree with that. I understand I can't do anything about it, but it's hard to just get over it when I see my breasts daily. I don't think people who aren't going through this understand how we feel.

After the incident in high school happened I didn't dare to ever date again. But then I met a man who I really care about. I don't want this issue to prevent me from being happy in a relationship you know?

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A male reader, devont United Kingdom +, writes (9 September 2015):

devont agony auntMy girlfriend also has tuberous breasts. I didn't know there was anything 'wrong' until she told me, I just thought they were an unusual shape. I wouldn't go as far as to call them deformed, they are just different. And I adore them regardless!

That little cretin you met in high school based his idea of 'breasts' on what he'd seen in porn rather than real life. I am so sorry he hurt you, what a complete moron.

To any guy that is even vaguely decent, it's not a big deal. If you're super self conscious about it, wear a bra when you first have sex.

I am sure it will be just fine if/when you decided to take the next step with the guy you're seeing now.

All the best.

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (9 September 2015):

YouWish agony auntI've been on here for 5 years, and I've never shared what I'm about to say to you, but I can't in good conscience not help you out on this one.

I was born without a right pectoral muscle. As a result, I have only one natural breast. The nipple on my right side was inverted until I reached puberty. Until I had corrective surgery as an adult, I wore a prosthetic similar to what breast cancer patients use. It was so horrible, knowing that while others could shop for bras at Macy's or Victoria Secret or any regular intimate apparel store, I had to go to a medical supply store, which isn't given as much attention to beauty.

When I was in Jr. High, my teacher forced me to shower in the community shower. When I did, it subjected me to massive public ridicule and bullying that I don't know if I would have recovered from had my father not been transfered to a new state and I to a new school. Boys would call me "Cyclops" or "deformed" and a couple grabbed my breasts. I totally get how you feel. My doctor told me something I would never forget... he said that there will be a man who would love me for me.

My new school was much better. I was popular. I dated! It was fun. I didn't have lots of sex though, both because of my deformity and also even if I was whole, casual sex wouldn't suit me.

After high school and before my surgery, I met the man who would become my husband. Like you, I didn't tell him right away. You couldn't tell from my outside, because my prosthesis made me look 100% normal. I remember when I knew, like you do, when it was time. I'll never forget it for as long as I live. I told him, and he was stunned. Then I showed him. He started crying and told me he loved me more after I showed him.

My doctor was right. We're about to celebrate our 17th anniversary. I got my surgery for me. Insurance fully covered it. But my husband accepted me as I was. That will happen for you no matter how you proceed or don't proceed medically.

I know your embarrassment. I shared it. It's really hard to type this. But you WILL be okay. I promise. Message me if you want to talk about it further.

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A male reader, no nonsense Aidan United Kingdom +, writes (9 September 2015):

I think you’re scared because of that horrible high school experience, and who can blame you? The thing to remember though, is that kids are cruel. It’s often not until we’re fully mature that we realise how hurtful throwaway comments or seemingly harmless teasing and joking can be. Perhaps that boy would never do that today, or perhaps he’s one of life’s ignorant fools, but either way I think you’re basing your future expectations of how people will react on that experience and you shouldn’t. You say your boyfriend’s a wonderful man, and in reality you’re not going to be able to hide this much longer if your relationship is going to physically progress. It’s easy to say that you’re just got to bite the bullet and tell him, but really that is the only choice you have unless you’re going to push him and anyone else who comes along away. I think the best thing to do is find a private occasion when you have space and time, and tell him that as you’ve been seeing each other a while and things are going well, there is something that you find difficult to talk about but feel you need to tell him. Explain the condition you have and what it means. Give him some time to take it in and if he’s the kind of man you think he is, he should reassure you even if he doesn’t quite know the right words to say. If you are prepared to show him then and it feels right, fine, but even if not, if you have prepared him then you can both allow the physical progression of your relationship to take a pace that feels natural to you, without him seeing your breasts stopping you going any further. I’m afraid you are going to feel scared and vulnerable when he sees them, because this is something you’re insecure about, but if he wants you and has good intentions, his support and acceptance will richly reward that bravery if it allows you to enjoy the feeling of being in a relationship which so many others take for granted. It’s difficult, but something like this isn’t a life sentence, so tell him and things will start to get easier.

I wish you all the very best.

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