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How should I handle our post break-up issues due to us now living in the same place?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Faded love, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 January 2013) 4 Answers - (Newest, 8 January 2013)
A male Denmark age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I have a 'break-up' problem.

3 weeks ago I broke up with my girlfriend of 6 months (plus the year we dated). It was mutual, since I didn't feel she was quite herself around me anymore.

It all started with a sort of alternative education we both were interested in - a boarding school of sorts with a lot of different subjects - that we both found fascinating.

She found a school quite fast - because of the subjects I wanted, I chose the same school thinking she wouldn't mind anyways, because we'd be together. Boy was I wrong. For an entire month she stressed over the fact that I'd be there (she was looking to start in a new place, without friends, independent woman and what-not) and I probably seemed really clingy even though it wasn't my intention, I trust her completely to be on her own and see her in the weekends.

Anyways, we are here now, both of us. We've been talking with each other, acting like good friends (never brought the relationship up). But I can't stop thinking maybe if I give her space, we'll get together again, because we both seem to have feelings for each other still.

How should I act? Should I carry on acting like a close friend and get my hopes up, or remain neutral and try to socialize more with the other people here?

My stomach is filled to the brim with butterflies, but she probably didn't notice how nervous I was...

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A male reader, anon_e_mouse United Kingdom +, writes (8 January 2013):

anon_e_mouse agony auntA mutual breakup? Breakups are never mutual. One person is the dumper and the other one is dumped.

You got dumped my friend. I'm sorry to say it.

"Boy was I wrong. For an entire month she stressed over the fact that I'd be there (she was looking to start in a new place, without friends, independent woman and what-not)"

Rubbish. She's looking for a new life without you in it. But you went and followed her there. That's why she "stressed over the fact I'd be there".

"We've been talking with each other, acting like good friends (never brought the relationship up). But I can't stop thinking maybe if I give her space, we'll get together again, because we both seem to have feelings for each other still."

The relationship has never been brought up because she doesn't want it brought up. She wants to be seen with you as nothing more but friends.

Give her space? That's what she wanted when she was off to her new life, new friends, independent woman and all that.

However, you might have a chance. I doubt it but here's how you find out for sure, back off and don't see her as much. Talk and laugh and joke with other girls. Don't spend all your lunches with her and don't go to all the activities with her. Do this and if she suddenly starts to ask you questions and asks you to spend time with her you can go ahead. Only a bit though.

You cannot be on call for her any time and every time. For the next 2 weeks just back off. If she'd like to meet for lunch or whatever just say you're busy doing something else.

Make sure you talk and laugh and joke about with the other girls there.

If she isn't interested she'll not even care and you'll make new friends and maybe even meet someone nice who wants to be with you. However, if she does care, she'll be interested and ask you questions like "who was that girl" and "you don't spend any time with me any more" that sort of thing.

Beware though, this can go either way. Personally, I suspect you're already OUT. But this will show you for sure.

Give it a go.

If she is interested then still back off a bit and keep laughing and joking with the girls and spending time with new friends and see her for the odd lunch/activity here and there.

At the moment you're her safe bet, wimpy, side-kick. Time for you to man up. If it doesn't work there will be other girls that like you, especially when they see you making other girls laugh.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2013):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

We both share rooms with different roommates, in different locations of the school. The only time we see each other would be when eating breakfast, lunch & dinner - and perhaps in some of the evening, socializing activities.

I'll continue acting 'cool' and being natural, and if I do get the chance to talk to her by coincidence, i'll take it on intuition from there.

I've been talking to other people every time she spots me, so she knows that I'm out with a lot of other people than her. I even notice her glimpsing, but I don't react on it.

Thanks for the answers!

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A male reader, CMMP United States +, writes (7 January 2013):

You should get out of there, find a roommate for her or something. If you two were meant to be, a little bit of time wont change that. But staying in the same place wont help either.

If leaving isn't an option, be nice to her but don't be a wimp. Do fun things outside of the house with other people. Make her wonder where you are and who you're with.

Don't act like a close friend unless that's what you want to be. Don't get her flowers.

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A male reader, fzald United States +, writes (7 January 2013):

You probably did make her feel a little clung to. Even if your intent wasn't to choose the same school, if you were already broken up, she probably saw it as an attempt to get her back.

One thing I've learned about girls is when they say they don't want you back, trying to PERSUADE them to change their minds will always, always fail.

Your best bet I'd say right now is to not totally avoid her, but do get out and meet other people, do NOT make her your focus or you'll only confirm, in her mind, that you're there to get her back.

What brought you two together? What sorts of things attracted her to you? Try to bring those things back out when you do see her, but don't overdo it or seem like you're forcing it - girls see through that too. Just act natural, don't pine over her (at least in any way she'll see) and see where things go.

Be careful how much you make yourself available to her as a "friend". Relationship gurus talk of the "friend zone" - when a woman sees you truly as "just friends" and you get none of the benefits of a relationship, and in worst cases are her go-to guy when she's having problems with the new boyfriend. (You don't wanna be there if you hope for her back!)

Just be cool, act natural and don't be clingy, whiny or "needy" to her, and try to re-attract her, and you may still have a shot. It might take some time, you can't rush it. You just have to make sure you're focusing on YOUR education and not on getting her back, and she'll eventually see your strength and maybe, just maybe, you might get another chance

Best of luck!

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