A
female
age
30-35,
*ean93
writes:Hi all, I'm in a bit of a quandary now. From where I come from (Asia), my parents have some form of expectations that when I get a job in future, I'll provide for them, or give then "allowances". They weren't joking about it when they mentioned it either. I asked around if my friends have that too, and they're all expected to give their parents allowances once they start working too, with one of them being as high as a thousand dollars. These friends are still living with their parents (it is normal for us to live with parents until we get married) and hence see it as giving parents "rent" money. I am moving out in August to study abroad for a masters degree. I told my parents besides school fees, I don't need them to give me allowances anymore. I will also be taking over the payment plans for my own health insurance and savings plans. My boyfriend thinks it is ridiculous for my parents to expect allowances from me. He is from Europe and his parents don't expect him to financially support them. He thinks that unless it's an emergency, or if my parents are unable to provide for themselves, then I shouldn't give my parents allowances. Bear in mind, this is someone I am planning to marry once I complete my degree. So it will be a source of conflict if I do give my parents allowances. My dad still gives my granddad money every month. I think up to a thousand dollars even. My parents have no debt and they have a lot of savings. Hence I am in a dilemma right now. On one hand, I want to repay my parents. So I don't see allowances as an issue. On the other, there is an opportunity cost involved because it is a substantial amount of savings annually (perhaps up to 4 thousand dollars), which could be put aside to start a family or to start saving up for a downpayment for a house. How should I approach this situation? To give allowances or not to give?
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (6 May 2016):
 I'm from South Africa and although we're mostly westernized here, there are still some people who expect allowances from their children so I get both sides on this. Personally I don't think that an allowance HAS to be paid to parents once you've moved out of their house and kick started your own life however, since you see no problem with it, why not negotiate an amount that suits both you and your partner, as well as your parents (after having a talk with your guy of course). Maybe this is an opportunity to educate him a bit about your culture. I'm sure that if you come up with a reasonable amount that doesn't break the bank for you, everything will sort itself out. I'm sure it will all be ok. Talk.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 May 2016):
 I am afraid that this is one you will need to decide for yourself. Where I am from we don't do this, so I can see your boyfriends point of view, but also that is the norm where you are from and how you where brought up. Therefore it has to be your decision to make.
Where do you and your boyfriend plan to settle down? Will it be in Asia or his country? I think you both need to sit and talk about this before you think about marriage, as it is things like this that often tear a marriage apart.
If it was me I think I would talk to my parents and ask them about it. Tell them about your future plans and how you will need your money to raise a family, ask them have they enough money to survive, if they have savings then surely they can meet you in the middle. I am afraid it might end up coming down to you picking between your parents and your partner.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (6 May 2016):
 In western culture, as I'm sure you are aware, you don't owe your parents anything. Of course if they are struggling to manage financially then many working couples might choose to step in and make arrangements for them.
One question for you is where you intend to live. If you are stepping into western culture then you should adopt the norms of that society. If your parents are able to look after themselves then you have nothing on your conscience to worry about.
If they are barely surviving and in impoverished conditions, the kind in which you wouldn't wish your loved ones to live, then help them. It is only natural.
As for your partner you must explain that, if the situation demands it, you will spend the money you have earned according to your conscience.
I hope that helps.
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