A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 31 year old married woman. We have had a difficult time of late because my father-in-law is visiting and while he loves his family, he hates everyone else. He calls other people "outsiders". He gets upset with my husband when other people come over because he lets "outsiders" on family property after all he has "been taught" to the contrary. When our neihbor walked over to talk to us, my father-in-law was getting upset as he approached our property line, saying "He's about to tresspass". This is not some older man thing. My husband says his dad was always like this. He will be cool with other people in public just as long as they are not on his or our property. He refuses to set foot on other people's property too. I don't know how my late mother-in-law put up with him. How do I deal with this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): It sounds like your father-in-law has an excessive and irrational obsession with the idea of territory. Having a strong sense of one's home and family is a natural, healthy thing, but when it's taken to such an extreme that it works to isolate eveyone who isn't related by blood or marriage, it becomes extremely burdensome and detrimental for everyone else.
You and your husband need to gently but firmly tell your father-in-law that although you respect his feelings with regard to this issue, in *your* home, your rules apply - after all, I'm sure he expects visitors to adhere to his principles when they're in his house - and there, all are welcome. I know it can be an awkward sort of matter to have to bring up (especially for your husband, still finding himself on the receiving end of a "this wasn't how you were brought up" lecture at his age!) but if it's causing you distress, you owe it to yourselves to do so. Alternatively, if he doesn't come over often, perhaps you can afford to grin and bear it for the duration of his stay for the sake of keeping the peace; it's up to you and your husband to gauge. People have their idiosyncrasies, but they don't have the right to impose them upon others - parents or not. Good luck and take care x
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