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How should I act towards him for the best outcome?

Tagged as: Crushes, Flirting, Friends, Online dating, Social Media, The ex-factor, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 January 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 10 January 2017)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

A while ago I kissed someone from work who I had liked for a while.

He told me he had feelings for me and we began texting. -But then later said because his ex works at the same place nothing could happen.

And then kissed a different co worker on a night out after I confronted him about his flirting with her.. I kind of ignored him at work after that but didn't want it to become awkward or stressful so gradually became civil again (we're kind of in the same work-friendship-group).

Once we had left work for Christmas break, he started texting me which I kind of thought was him getting the friendship back on track.

Then he asked me to go for coffee with him. He apologised for his behaviour and said he had behaved badly and hoped I would forgive him. He also reiterated that he would want to take me out if he didn't have to work with his ex and that it was a horrible situation for him and he'd probably be leaving in the summer so this wasn't an issue. Nothing happened but it felt quite intimate.

I didn't push to get in contact with him after that because I was still wary of him but glad he had apologised.

Then he messaged me on Christmas Day and we continued to talk daily through the Christmas break. He tried to persuade me to go back to the city for New Year's Eve and said it wouldn't be the same if I wasn't there. Then, just before we were due to start back at work he stopped texting me. I didn't push this-as I said, I was still wary of him.

The first Friday back, me and him and another friend were due to go to the pub to spend a bar tab we had won.

He had brought it up earlier in the week, and also on that morning spoke about it still happening. Then just as it got time to be leaving, he suddenly said he wasn't going any more because it was raining.

This was a poor excuse because we were driving there in my friend's car and he had to walk home in the rain anyway if he didn't come with us.

As j was waiting for my friend to leave, he left work with his ex (she was waiting for him so they were obviously going somewhere together).

I feel like it was really rude to to use the RAIN as an excuse then blatantly leave with her, having said everything he said to me and texting me all through the break.

Anyway I feel quite angry as I feel like if he is dating his ex again he should be honest and respectful towards me about it, not sending mixed messages. I don't want to be seen as over reacting though if ta just my hurt feelings clouding my judgement. .

What do you think? What should I do and how should I act towards him for the best?

View related questions: at work, christmas, co-worker, flirt, his ex, mixed messages, text

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (10 January 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntThis guy sounds like a real droob .... playing all the single women off each other.

The best way to act around him is professionally, be polite and courteous, but don't indulge in casual chit chat or office gossip. And NO flirting.

Look for romantic liaisons outside of the office in future, and you should be okay.

Good luck!

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (10 January 2017):

N91 agony auntJust forget about him.

Don't text him or speak to him about anything unless it's work related, look at the amount of drama it's caused. He clearly has something still going on with his ex so just leave them to it.

Let this be a lesson to never date someone at work again.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (9 January 2017):

This is why I enforce ethics and conduct rules around the office. People start these little liaisons, and your business is turned into a set for a soap opera; and the next thing you know someone wants to sue for sexual-harassment.

You have to keep your personal-life far from where you earn the money to pay the bills, buy groceries, pretty clothes, and pay your rent.

Office Romeo's stir-up a lot a trouble, and their victims forget they're on paid-time; and get caught-up in the drama. Everyone is distracted and some kind of trouble ensues due to scorned females who got played.

I have been trained to observe employee behavior, keeping tabs on people pushing the envelop and setting the company up for liability.Until somebody has to get the boot. I don't tolerate this stuff; because everyone gets more enthralled with their dating-game than what they were hired to do. Forgetting this is their workplace not the local club or bar. One mess-up makes it bad for everyone. Only the company doesn't have to put-up with it. Right to work policies allow us to fire people who disrupt productivity and bring their personal-lives to work.

Diss the jerk! He's nothing but an office-player, preying on the single females; while also playing his ex. He was insulting your intelligence, and you knew it all the long.

Give him the distant cold-professional treatment. Be cordial and courteous; because most jobs require employees to be polite to their co-workers. Let him know you are now strictly business. Don't even hangout with him after work. He'll just play his charms and take advantage when your defenses are down. Don't blame that on the alcohol.

Many modern progressive businesses try offering their employees a less formal, casual, relaxed atmosphere. People have made us regret it; and the law requires larger businesses to offer mandatory seminars on appropriate behavior, give yearly sexual-harassment training, and issue manuals that clearly outline the company's code of conduct policies. That's due to exactly what you've described going on at your job.

I hate sitting through those ridiculous mind-numbing meetings being told how I should treat a female employee; and what constitutes inappropriate behavior. Or what might be determined to be sexual-harassment. All the men are on pins and needles; and the ladies are edgy, not sure what is too forward; or giving the wrong signals in their actions.

Make it easy on yourself, try dating outside your job and you can avoid awkward and upsetting situations like you're now experiencing. I hate firing people, but I'm often not given any choice.

He told you from the start his ex worked there; so that was your warning that he'll play, but don't expect anything more.

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia +, writes (9 January 2017):

Ivyblue agony auntClearly this guy doesn't know what he wants. Unless the ex is some kind of bunny boiling psycho he really should man up and get on with things. But I think that is not the case. It sound like he still hold hope that they will get back together. In the mean time he selfishly plays with you like a toy. How do you act? With dignity and confidence. Next time, as seems to history repeat there will be, tell him your no longer interested and that his flaky behaviour is actually is not that of someone you would consider a friend let alone anything romantic. Personally I wouldn't try to engage with the who's,where's,whys and what's of his ex- why bother you'll just get some story to fit his need of the moment anyway. Instead for your own sanity, ask that he not be in contact with you other than in a professional sense. That doesn't mean you shouldn't go out and socialise with colleagues if he's going to be there. You should, just don't be making any attempts to approach him and be chatty.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 January 2017):

Honeypie agony auntAccept that he is NOT someone you want to get involved with in a relationship. NOT WHATSOEVER. No matter the cute and nice texts he writes, no matter how much he apologizes for whatever....

NOPE, write him off as ANYTHING besides JUST being your co-worker.

IF you do not HAVE to have contact outside of work with him (in regards to work) BLOCK his number, there is NO need to be texting buddies with him. He sounds like a guy who got the "gift of the gab" Someone who is GREAT at spinning words, at being charming but doesn't REALLY back it up. Basically... his words doesn't match his actions.

My guess is he KNOWS you have some feelings for him and he is hoping to somehow exploit them to HIS benefit.

So when you met him, just be polite and professional, don't SHARE your private life because it's really none of his business as a coworker and THAT is all he is.

IF you are looking to find a partner, BF - look elsewhere - and may I suggest NOT in the workplace?

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A female reader, singinbluebird United States + , writes (9 January 2017):

singinbluebird agony auntThe lesson here is do not date your co-worker. Keep it professional at the workplace.

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