A
male
age
41-50,
*oris Grushenko
writes:After a relationship of 10 years, I'm getting divorced. As I manage to put the pieces of my emotional puzzle together, I will probably be addressing an issue from time to time. One thing has been bothering me for a few months.When we started out 10 years ago, very soon stories of numerous one night stands - as it appeared to me, all with kinky experiments - kept coming. I suffered from this: I had one one night stand myself, had my first relationship starting when I was 25 until I was 28 and had been single for 8 years after that. I suffered from anxiety, ended up in a depression, lost my job and family over my depression, ...And then, a year into our relationship, while I was struggling to maintain or even get an erection, while I was having nightmares over past lovers dealing out low scores for my performance (think of the jury at the Olympics for gymnastics before scoring was digitalized), while my days were filled with visions of perfect male bodies whose mere touch spared of a series of intense orgasms and while every attempt at sex pushed me further down the hill, she suggested to stop using condoms.Whereas the relationship I have with my family - and which partly lay at the basis of a series of depressions - to a certain extent explains why I did not leave her, I did not really oppose to this. I was hoping that indulging her desires would make me feel more adequate. She said she was hoping it would make me feel more comfortable as - to her knowledge - she had never done it without and this would set me apart from the others.We had ourselves tested. I did my test through a GP and had a letter to acount for my health. She had her test done at the hospital; there would be a phone call if something was wrong. Nobody called. Well, as of now, I am no longer sure about that last statement.It took me two years before I started to feel somewhat comfortable having sex with her. After three years, we reached a point where I was not really bothered by her past anymore.I had a good therapist and I had the opportunity to go back to university. This probably played an important role as well.Eventually, three years ago our relationship started deteriorating. I believe this was mostly triggered by external factors; she became quite verbally agressive, I grew scared of her outbursts. My tendency to draw back only made her more agressive.Oyur sex life dwindled: from once in +/- 2 days, we quickly got down to once in three months. There has been nothing for the last year. Being turned down of course set off a spiral of negative thoughts: I'm not a pleasant person to be with, I'm physically repulsive, It's due to my lack of experience and hence my lack of skill. Over the years, she has always stated she was not sure whether she wanted kids. I have always regretted this but on the other hand, I had already accepted that I would not have kids when I turned 35 and was looking back on a period of 7 years without a relationship.Three months ago, she went to see a gynecologist. Turned out she can't conceive. Apparently, according to the doctor, she had gone through a chlamydia of gonorrhea infection. She claimed this was due to endometriosis.Somehow, I started re-connecting the dots: I've never seen her test results, she never clearly wanted to say yes or no when people asked her about kids, there's her past, ...Thing is, I am not so sure about my own health anymore. I have never experienced any symptoms, but regardless, I still worry.All this also makes me wonder about the reliability of these tests. Are there a lot of false negatives? Are there infections these tests can't show?Worst of all, I'm starting to believe that - even though I've only had three partners and before this I have always used a condom - I have somehow become off-limits in sexual terms. In a way, I feel as if getting involved with me has become a form of risky sexual behaviour and as if it wouldn't be right to put somebody I might love in the future at risk.Would it be wise to get myself tested as soon as possible? Or will I - even if nothing is found - never feel at ease? I have already thought that I might end up in a situation where I will get myself tested every once in a while, even if I never have sex for the rest of my life again.There are - of course - many emotional things playing a role. Thoughts of this are too chaotic to talk about as of now but I'm sure I will get back to these. It seems that, as of now, tying to take care of my physical health is the only thing I can really do.
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conceive, condom, divorce, erection, her past, one night stand, orgasm, period, sex life, std, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Boris Grushenko +, writes (7 August 2019):
Boris Grushenko is verified as being by the original poster of the question I just went to the GP's replacement.
His answer: you can only test HIV and hepatitis A&B in blood. You've had vaccines for hepatitis (when I travelled to a remote area in the Himalayas). And as you're a regular blood donor (that is, I've stopped that the moment I started to doubt my own health), you have probably passed a number of HIV tests anyway. In case of chlamydia or gonorrhea , you would have noticed the symptoms.
I'm going to have to move anyway and will probably go to another GP. I'll just have to try again within a few months I guess.
In the meanwhile: no more blood donations. Sad because these are among the small things that give meaning to my life.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (6 August 2019):
 If you HAVE to live together for a while longer, then yes be civil. Whether she is or not. Don't let her goad you into anything.
3 months might feel like a long time, but keeping busy might help pass the time. I'd say find a hobby, interest or spend time with friends AWAY from the home. Exercise might also help, so a gym membership can be a nice "escape" from being around her, all the while helping you focus on YOU as well.
As far as having to wait for an available doctor's appointment, it happens. I'd suggest you WRITE down your question and queries now, that way when the appointment time rolls around you will be extra prepared. Same for therapist sessions. Keeping a journal can also help putting thoughts into words, and perhaps even help you sort some things out on your own.
Set some goals, stick to them. Whatever she wants or does is just not important. YOU are the important one for YOU.
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A
male
reader, Boris Grushenko +, writes (6 August 2019):
Boris Grushenko is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Honeypie,
I'd say my health is most important. Sadly, I can't rush things since my GP is not available at the moment and I'd hate to discuss this with somebody I don't know/trust
On the other hand, I believe that a certain understanding of what has been going on 'on the other side' might play a rol in the mental part of my health.
We (i.e. she) decided to get a divorce only three weeks ago. We have a first appointment at the notary tomorrow to see how we can divide things. I've moved to the guest room. So far that's the main difference. Apparently it's not easy to find an appartment on such short notice and all the advice I got from professionals was the same: "Try to get along for the two or three months that lay ahead of you." I might be able to buy a small house but even when my bid is accepted, it will take at least two months to get the paperwork done.
It's clear there's no way back. For me, it seems feasable to behave decently for the coming weeks but she behaves as if she believes that once a decision was made, I'd be gone for good the day after. It unleashes the worst in her, but to an extent I would never have expected.
So far I've mostly struggled with my mental health - I tend to fall for these dominant types, with all the evident consequences - which is probably why I tend to over-focus on this aspect.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 August 2019):
She might be a narcissist. The thing is, what is more important- trying to figure out WHY she made the choices she did OR YOU and YOUR health?
I'd say the latter, which is what I would focus on.
Are you still with her?
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A
male
reader, Boris Grushenko +, writes (5 August 2019):
Boris Grushenko is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Honeypie,
I'm thinking along the lines of narcissicm (on her behalf). I've been reading a thing or two about it because she has been so self-centered the last few years. Or rahter, she's always been self-centered but things turned nasty when I needed some space for my own. Everything that happened just fits the description.
I guess, if my gut feeling is correct, I'll have a load of luggage to sort out.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 August 2019):
Good on both accounts.
Even if you DO show up positive for whatever STD, it's NOT the end of the World or your potential sex-life.
Just CHOSE to do differently than your ex. And BE upfront with a potential partner. Listen to your doctor's advice on how to keep both YOU and your partner safe.
I will cross my fingers for you that you are negative on all STD's. And that you with a therapist will find a way to NOT let this ex OR her past define the rest of your life.
And thank you for your update.
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A
male
reader, Boris Grushenko +, writes (5 August 2019):
Boris Grushenko is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Honeypie
Will do. With the summer holidays going on, the first available slot in the GP's agenda is by the end of next week.
As for seeing a therapist: psychological care in Belgium is notoriously bad. Especially in terms of availablilty; one you find a therapist, things are quite ok. I've survived this hell without any follow-up for six months. I recently found a therapist; my second apppointment is within 10 days.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 August 2019):
Definitely get re-tested.
You CAN have an STD and not have symptoms. Chlamydia can render a woman infertile if not treated in time.
I think you NEED to cut yourself some slack here. YOU and her got tested BEFORE having unprotected sex, you were in a committed relationship. Now, SHE might have lied about her taking a test or the results (but you are NOT a mind-reader and couldn't know).
So before you swear off sex completely, get tested and if need be, get treated. TALK to your doctor about how reliable these tests are. Personally, I think they are pretty reliable, except for HPV which can't be tested in men UNLESS they have an outbreak, but that isn't about being reliable, that is just how it works.
I don't think there are a lot of false negatives, I think there are a lot of people who LIE about their status. Like your GF/ex GF. People who CHOSE not to get tested because they don't WANT to know. They think THEY won't catch any STD.
Go see your doctor, talk to him/her. And talk to your therapist too.
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