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How often do exes get back together for their child?

Tagged as: Dating, Family, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 June 2019) 6 Answers - (Newest, 7 June 2019)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I recently started seeing a guy with a young son. I really like him and I think he feels the same. I've never been with a single father before but it doesn't bother me, I'm sure I'll love his kid. We are taking it slow (for obvious reasons) but before I get in too deep, I have this lingering fear that him and his ex will get back together. They were together for four years and broke up six months ago. They share custody, he said they are still friends and broke up because they were arguing and fighting a lot when they had their son. I guess my concern is that because there was no dramatic event that happened (cheating etc) and the fact that they have a child together, they will always be close. I mean they share a bond that him and I are never going to have. I know being a single mother is hard and I feel like once I enter the picture officially, she might get jealous and want him back and for his child's sake, he might go for it. Am I being paranoid or is this a legitimate concern?

View related questions: am I being paranoid, broke up, get back together, his ex, jealous

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (7 June 2019):

Honeypie agony auntIt happens, OP

I'm sorry you got hurt. I'd block, delete and remove him in case he decides to try and hang on to you.

Don't let him hold you back from finding someone who is right for you.

And... you obviously have a good intuitions, so listen to it in the future. I'd just say don't just all single dad's by this guy's actions.

Better luck next time!

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia +, writes (7 June 2019):

Ivyblue agony auntThats got to hurt, sorry to hear. Now you have it, stick to moving forward and make darn sure you resist his advances should he have a change of heart. There is no good coming your way if you allow yourself to become his emotional marionette. Try keep your chin up. Things happen for a reason. Best of luck

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2019):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Well.. what do you know, my intuition was right. He ended things and said they were getting back together. It hurts so much because he was just literally making future plans for us yesterday :( Thank you for your advice everyone

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (6 June 2019):

CindyCares agony auntNot very often. I have met, and heard of, plenty of people who choose to stay in unhappy relationships / marriages

" because of the children ", ( and if this a valid enough reason or not….we'll discuss it some other time ) , but , once two adults who share a child / children already , nevertheless they feel co,pelled to split up- this generally means either that they are totally sick and tired of each other and there are no more feelings / attraction , or else that they realize that feelings and attraction are not barely enough to carry on a relationship, in lack of compatibility and willing cooperation.

It does not mean that it can't ever happen , though. Obviously,some times it does happen, so your concern is to some extent legitimate. Then again- there are no guarantees in life, and in love. If people abstained from forming bonds because they know the relationship may end ( ...and they should know it by now, when divorce rate is around 50 % in some countries !) - I think we all would already have gone nearly exctinct.

You can't have control over everything in life. You can only do your best, and hope for the best. ( And in your case, I think " doing your best " would also involve taking things slow , and not get too emotionally - nor practically / financially - involved until his commitment has been made official and lasted a while more, and the level of energy he puts in this relationhip matches yours … )

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A male reader, no nonsense Aidan United Kingdom +, writes (6 June 2019):

It’s hard to know how often people get back together for the sake of children. I’m sure it does happen, but it’s not a good idea. Splitting up is much harder when children are involved, so it’s likely that responsible and sensible people who decide to split will have given the decision a great deal of consideration, whether they remain on civil terms afterwards or not.

Your fears could come true. He could go back to her. She could turn out to be the nightmare ex from hell! At the start of any relationship there are all kinds of possibilities. Getting involved with another person always comes with risk. You’re not paranoid, but you should ask yourself how much of this concern is your fears and how much is grounded in facts and evidence. You said that you are taking things slowly. By giving it time, you will be able to make an assessment of how enthusiastic he is about your new relationship. If in time he introduces you to his child; seems as excited as you about planning for your future, and invests time and effort in to your relationship, all of this would point to someone who is not looking to get back with his ex.

There is a lot of truth to the old cliché that time will tell. At the root of your question, though, is trust. Sometimes couples realise that they are better apart. Others simply don’t hold on to the anger and resentment that causes splits to be so bitter. This doesn’t mean they’re on an inevitable path toward getting back together. I think that if you focus on your relationship, and what his attitude to that is like, you’ll make a more rational judgement about whether this is someone you trust.

I wish you all the very best.

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia +, writes (6 June 2019):

Ivyblue agony auntits a possibility for sure so I dont think your being paranoid. It would be an epic mistake for anyone to resume a toxic relationship just for the sake of a child. Its a mistake for all involved -especially for a child. However, that is not really something you can control. There is a real possibility there will be some level of jealousy on her part. Maybe not so much to do with him ,rather her feeling replaced by the role reserved and rightfully so, by her. Six months is not long and things can still be quite raw and unresolved. My advice would not in any way let yourself get involved with their drama rather focus on establishing your relationship as bf and gf. You are very wise to take things slow and from an emotional distance for the moment. In time if things work out, you will be able to create a bond with his child just in a different way. I think it wise for you and him to have some serious conversations about your concerns so you can make better decisions for yourself. There is nothing from stopping you two from having a wonderful relationship if thats truthfully what he is wanting and willing. But thats a commitment from him to you to get things in order with his ex and do all that he can to make it work. Hopefully you are one of the lucky ones who experiences an ex with a mature outlook without having to bare witness to messy and destructive behaviour.

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