A
female
age
36-40,
*hloebabeechick
writes:I feel really ill and responsible for something terrible. I have been dating someone on and off for about a year and a half. He has a roommate that has been his friend since he was four years old. Just incidentally from being at his house so often I became close to his roommate, on a strictly friendly basis. His roommate is warm and funny, and he asked for my number after a while and I gave it to him (of course letting the guy I'm seeing know immediately). We texted back and forth and I found his roommate very entertaining, but soon his texts became sexual in nature. I didn't tell the guy I'm seeing immediately, bcause although they were sexual I found them mostly harmless. Then he really ramped it up by sharing a detailed sexual dream he had with me in it. At that point I felt I had to tell K (the guy I'm seeing). K was very upset and told me that he had told J (the roommmate) to stop texting me and J had said he had stopped a long time ago. I think he then stewed for a while because he texted me the following day demanding me to forward the texts. I was hesitant because I know he has an anger problem but I also wanted to exonerate myself of any wrongdoing in the matter. So I forwarded him the texts. He didn't respond for the longest so I feared the worst. Then he thanked me and said he is kicking J out of his house. Keep in mind, J lives in K's house rent free since his wife kicked him out, has a pill problem, has stolen from K to support his drug habit and stolen his prescription medication and THIS is what he decides to kick him out for???!!! Now K is planning to confront J with the texts, making me look like a rat and responsible for J being homeless. This upsets me greatly. I told K to leave me out of it, but K is so infuriated by the texts he cannot help himself. I don't understand why this little issue is a deal breaker for their relationship seeing J has taken advantage of K in so many horrible ways. K says it's the worst thing a man can do to another man. I think that's ridiculous, there are many more horrible things people can do to one another and the things J has done already are far worse. Also this whole matter offends me cause K keeps using the word "steal" as if I'm a piece of property and also told me this wasn't about me. If it isn't about me then what the heck is it about? His ego? The whole thing just makes me sick. Question One: If I'm to blame, how much of the blame is mine? Question Two: How rational is his degree of anger? Question Three: Does J deserve homelessness over this issue, (cause I don't think he does)?
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female
reader, silenced +, writes (13 August 2011):
 Just because he has some issues doesn't make what he did excusable. He was thrown out once by his wife, but then started stealing from his friend who saved him from homelesness. He screwed over the one person trying to help. It's his own fault that he's getting kicked out again. I think you feel sympathy for him because you see him in a different light. He hasn't stolen from you, he hasn't wronged you. He made you laugh and flirted with you, so you believe he's a good guy. Your boyfriend has seen him for what he is and has made his choice to no longer deal with it, and none of us can blame him for that. This guy isn't going to turn his life around and become a responsible person until he learns the errors of his ways, and he's not going to if he has people enabling him.
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (12 August 2011):
 You can feel compassion for the man, but stop enabling him to continue his behavior. Sometimes a person has to hit rock bottom to finally see that their own choices got them there.
If people stop rescuing J he has to rely on himself.
Just because someone is in a PIT of despair does not mean you get IN the pit with them. You encourage them to climb out on their own power.
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A
male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (12 August 2011):
Its the empathy and those feeling sorry for him that perpetuate his behavior. His friend K helped him out from that feeling and things got worse.
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A
female
reader, chloebabeechick +, writes (11 August 2011):
chloebabeechick is verified as being by the original poster of the question I am surprised I guess that no one has sympathy for J. I guess you'd have to know him to feel empathy for him. He has a prescription drug habit and his wife has all but abandoned him and now his best friend is going to leave him on the street. I'm not excusing his behavior, I guess I just have compassion...even though K told me he threw me under the bus when confronted. Guess I don't figure anyone should have to wonder if they'll have a roof over their head tomorrow.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (11 August 2011):
J is not being kicked out over you.
The incident with you was the last straw that broke the camels back. The last thing on a top of a huge pile of "burden" that caused a break.
The incident with you was probably more personal and K's eyes were opened to seeing what a loser was living in his house.
Now that you know the first sexual messages were not harmless. When someone crosses the line the first time, you call them on it.
Should you feel sorry for J? WHY? Some one finally called him on his BS and there are consequences for it.
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A
female
reader, silenced +, writes (11 August 2011):
Obviously your boyfriend is protective of you.
This is the last straw because this guy has already stolen from your boyfriend among other issues, and now he is trying to get in his girlfriend's pants. It's not over this sole issue that your boyfriend is kicking J out; it's the other issues underlying this issue. K obviously figures that J has no respect for anything that is his, and that includes you.
It's not your fault. You did the right thing by telling your boyfriend. He's furious that his friend would take advantage of him so greatly, so he's kicking him out. I don't think there's much you can do but ignore any texts that J sends you or calls you get from J. He took advantage of a person who gave him a rent-free home. It's nobody's fault but his own.
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A
male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (11 August 2011):
None of this is your fault. J is big trouble. The texts were the straw that broke the camel's back. And K does not have an "anger problem" per se, he is being righteously driven mad by his so-called best friend.
Once J is out of the picture, K will probably be so relieved and much happier that you and him will be happier together.
BTW, those initial sexual messages are not "harmless".
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