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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: How far is too far? My husband got really mad this morning. I'm a house wife and I'll admit I'm not the best at keeping up with everything. I had two loads of laundry in baskets on the floor this morning. I had folded one load and just needed to put it away. My husband couldn't find the pants he prefers to wear this morning. He has about 5-7 pairs but only wears 2 of them because they fit better. I apparently hadn't washed one of the two. He ended up stubbing his toe on something in the closet and then picked up a laundry basket and threw all the clothes around the room and dumped them on the floor. Then kicked in the basket. He grabbed the other and repeated the same process. I was in bed when this happened. It was 6 A.M. so it was a rude wake up call. He finally grabbed a pair of the pants he doesn't care for and stomped out. There was some yelling through his teeth going on while this was happening. This isn't the first time he's done something like this. I cleaned it all up. Then I went downstairs. I guess he had had another fit down there. The tree skirt was all bunched like he had kicked it and one of my favorite ornaments that we got on our honeymoon was broken. It was on the side of the tree so I guess he threw something past it. Our winter hats were also on the ground, having previously been on a hook. Plus some things that had been on the dining room table were on the floor also. My husband left without saying goodbye. I know everyone has bad days but he's acted this way before if the house isn't perfect. So how far is too far? Is this just a hissy fit from having a bad day? Or is this abnormal. This is just another thing in the long list of issues. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2014): It was 6am.Some people get very grumpy and unreasonable in the morning-I know I do and I'm a girl.On top of that he was rushing to get to a job.If the other time was in the morning too I'd let it go but if he does it at other times over nothing I'd have second thoughts,certainly if he ever hits you
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male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (12 December 2014):
 I think that the poster after youwish should post an independent question, just for some rounded feedback if nothing else
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2014): I had a marriage like your relationship. My ex would have the exact same passive aggressive behaviour - didn't say what was frustrating him but definitely showed it in other actions. The passive aggressive became abusive and I was on the end of taunts and put downs and other acts of aggression. I became down and depressed and felt worthless. It became worse and worse. You should not be expected to have this mans pants ready like a servant! Surely he can buy a couple more pairs. You are doing your best and he should know that and love you for it. At 6am you should not be waiting on him hand and foot - this isn't the 200 years ago!!! I tell you this because I am now with a man who would never expect me to be that but it is much appreciated when I help him or we share chores etc. I would suggest you look up emotional or physical abuse traits on the internet (Lundy Bancroft is useful but there is loads of info out there) and see if you can measure the other incidents you allude to against those. I hope you work it out but I have to be honest that I see a red flag as this is not a one off temper tantrum due to stress.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2014): I'm sad for you and maybe it can seem like nothing serious, but it's by no means harmless.
And please, let's not make this about you being a housewife. This somehow gives him the right to treat you that way.
As YouWish has said, this is a typical intimidating behavior. And you say that this is not the first time. You may be in a codependent relationship without even knowing it. I have nothing against housewives. I have nothing against stay-at-home-moms. I am a woman myself and have known, fortunately short, periods of unemployment. Life is too unpredictable and I would be too afraid to let someone else take care of me financially. People leave, people die… but that’s just me.
(if you don’t won’t to read about my exemple, go straight to the last passage)
Even though I work (two jobs), my husband and I have developed a very unhealthy habit when it comes to chores. I literarily do everything, from shopping, cooking, to cleaning and paying bills. He thinks that food grows in our refrigerator, that his clean pants (he too has a thing about “his two favorite pairs”) grow in our closet, that our cat litter is a self-cleaning miracle and that all our papers/documents are arranging themselves.
It’s my fault as much as his. I hate arguments and he’s taller and louder and has no problems using these assets to make me lose my will to confront him. He’s never hit me, but he yells, he kicks stuff around… and even though I love him, I started hating my life and sometimes even him.
The problem is, he’s so used to things to work, that when I don’t have the time to finish everything he’s displeased. He won’t tell me that it’s my job to do it, because we have developed this elaborate game where I do things automatically, and he says I should leave them and that he’ll do them later. He never does, off course.
And there are excuses for him being the way he is. Somebody mentioned her husband’s PTSD, well mine is an abandoned and spoiled child – both at the same time. He has his reasons, but they don’t justify the way I let him mistreat me.
I started leaving his dirty plates on the table and the counter (mostly where he leaves them), his dirty laundry on the floor, I told him I don’t have time to cook or shop (in a sweet way…) and that he’ll have to take care of himself. Basically, I started treating him like an untidy roommate. I still generally keep the house clean, but I leave the sh*t he leaves behind. I’ve been doing it for only a couple of days and I have no idea if he really doesn’t see or if he pretends. I have no idea if it’ll work or not. But, I’m dying inside. I have to do something. I’m too tired to take care of myself, read or go to the gym. I’ve gained weight (which, of course, he minds) and feel miserable.
His behavior is not acceptable, even if you made a clear deal, that you as a housewife are also his cleaning lady, that in some way he pays you and that you must keep your part of the deal. He should have woken you up and told you that it makes him miserable that you can’t do the basic stuff. Are you really happy with the way things are? Are you running away from responsibility for your own life? Are you ignoring the possibility that he may be tired of being the only breadwinner? Think about yourself and your relationship. Try and have an honest and calm (not accusing) conversation with him. Whatever it is you must know the truth and deal with it like an adult.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (10 December 2014):
 If this is a common occurrence where he trashes things when he loses his temper, it's no wonder you hadn't gotten a chance to put away clothes. I would have left the mess he made that morning and demanded he clean it up when he got home from work. If he made it into another angry outburst, I'd call him on it. If he's abusive like screaming at you or hitting you, that's when I'd leave him.
People who do that use anger to intimidate. You can never be clean enough, good enough, fast enough, or perfect enough to satisfy him. Something will tip him off, and there will always be something to escalate it. His pants were clean - they just weren't put away yet.
You've said he's acted this way before?? It's pretty hysterical in a bad way that he'd react to housework by trashing the house.
You're a housewife? How many kids do you have? What are their ages?? Can you afford periodic cleanings if possible?? You don't work outside the home??
Even if you're not the perfect housekeeper, no one deserves that kind of behavior. And if you have children, it's dangerous to see that kind of temper.
I would make this an issue, and don't diminish it because you forgot some laundry. If you've got a bunch of kids, you need help. He can assist. Who cooks, cleans, runs errands, takes care of children?? If he makes a paycheck and that's the end of that, then he needs to shut the hell up. Your job can't be 24/7 and his not be.
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reader, Jmtmj +, writes (10 December 2014):
I've known guys who when they've gotten angry will trash things, but very rarely when not drunk... He sounds a bit entitled to be honest.
Does he work long/stressful hours? Does he need lots of space when he finishes work? Its purely speculative, but i don't think this is just about laundry, something else was on his mind- provided this wasn't a usual occurrence..
But yeah, be careful when frustration turns to physical aggression against objects... just sayin
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 December 2014):
 You know there are days my hubby blows up over little (imo insignificant) things and throws tantrums. It can be that I didn't charge my phone (yeah I'm not ON my phone a lot during the day, so it DOES happen that the battery dies) which mean if he text/call he will not get through. THAT can piss him off to no end, EVEN if it wasn't important. MY husband suffers from PTSD after several deployments and a couple of combat related injuries. There are days I don't recognize him. BUT he isn't violent or abusive, just an asshat.
Like you, I am a "housewife". I have my routines and keep a PRETTY tight ship. I do laundry EVERY day (except Saturdays, that is MY day off) - there are 5 of us so, it needs to be done. It's NOT a FUN job to be a housewife. It's VERY routine and very boring, BUT it still NEEDS to get done.
I'm not saying YOU need to shape up and be the "perfect little housewife" but you might want to look at is AS your job, instead of a series of unending chores.
And you might want to have a chat with him. These outbursts are IMO not OK. It was OVER a pair of frigging pants. I mean, seriously? Personally, if that set him off, HE can do his own laundry a while and see if that works better for him. YOU are not Dobby the house elf.
MAYBE you need to consider getting a job. If you don't want to be the one who takes care of the whole house, there is (or should be) the option to get a job and then SHARE the chores.
Now you mention that there are other issues, what exactly are they?
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (10 December 2014):
 Real men don't throw hissey fits. They get mad and tell yiou why they're mad so that a solution can be found. Irration behaviour can be a sign of deeper problems. You should do two things at the same time. ry to find out gently what the REAL problem is and watch your back. Good Luck but keep your head down(so to speak).
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 December 2014):
 What are the other issues?
Are you afraid he's going to hit you?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2014): Why don't you take him out for a meal and relax together then ask him what happened this morning when you're both relaxed. Don't be confrontational or pissed off when you ask. Be open and let him talk. Hopefully he'll apologise for creating pointless work for you and explain what's stressing him out.
He was a complete moron the way he acted but you don't want to escalate it. Keep your calm and kill him with kindness.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2014): He woke-up on the wrong-side of the bed. Domestic-blowouts or hubby-tantrums are usually indicative of job-stress, financial woes, a culmination of persistent spousal-quirks, and generally bad attitude. The man needs a vacation and you need help around the house; if you're over-whelmed with chores. A messy house is uncomfortable and reflects poorly on the housekeeper. Someone has to do it.
If you work too; he has to share the chores. Even if you don't, you're not the live-in maid. Sometimes others have to chip-in. You don't dirty everyone's clothes in the house, or mess-up the place all by yourself!!! You're expected to run the house,clean it, and pickup whatever is left out of place. Then do things for yourself. However, if you're disorganized, don't have kids, and you're always at home? That's frustrating, and makes him feel you don't care.
I don't like a messy house. I grew up in a big family, and it was always spic and span, clothes were always clean, folded, and put away. Even if we all had to help do it!
Untidy housewives compete with very-organized mother-in-laws; therefore, spoiled-brat husbands expect their wives to perform the same as their old-school June Cleaver mothers did. Regardless of whether she works, the number of kids you have, and the level of household organizational-skills you possess. If your mom also did all the housework; then you're no better at housework than he is. That's a problem! Two messy people in one house is a bad combination!
One clean and one messy is fuel for fights!
I can comfortably speculate that he's worked-up over a number of things; and he took-out all his frustrations on a laundry basket and the Christmas tree. I don't mean to belittle your concerns; but I've witnessed hubby-tantrums; and they look like something from a family-comedy show.
He's perturbed that you're peacefully resting, and he has to get up. He's annoyed that his favorite pair of pants aren't always where he wants them, and apparently he's had the same annoyances piss him off a number of times before. They may seem trivial to you, but that only adds to his list of irritations.
Not condoning his behavior, but think about it. You want home to be the one place where you find peace, can find your stuff, and get sympathy and understanding from all it's other inhabitants. You want a tidy and peaceful refuge to retreat to; when the world is weighing down on your shoulders, and everyone depends on you to bring home the bacon and pay the bills. His boss doesn't care if he's having a bad day, and will only make it his or her business to get under his skin, for the lack of better leadership skills. He may have been overlooked several times for a promotion, and his favorite football team keeps losing.
If he wants his special pants always ready, he can certainly take them off, and toss them in the washer the day he dirties them up. He can also do all his own laundry if he feels it's never done to his satisfaction; or doesn't measure-up to his mother's higher standards of homemaking.
Household chores were shared by everyone under the roof in the house I grew up in. Yes, my dad yelled if he tripped over a bike, or tumbled down the stairs over a stuffed toy, or the cat jumped out screaming and clawing from the top shelf in his closet. It's just that sometimes husband's lose it, and they can't help it.
Don't tell me there isn't a time when you'd like to take a bail of everyone's dirty laundry, and toss it out the window. When you've picked up one too many dirty socks or soiled underwear. When no sooner you mop the floor, he struts through with his muddy boots over your kitchen floor.
You've asked him to empty the garbage, but it's smelly and piling up in the corner of the kitchen. You come home from work, and the house is as messy as you left it. He's stretched out on the couch snoring! Loud! Are you sweet and pleasant about it?
Unless he is physically and verbally abusive; he is entitled to blow off some steam and have a hubby-tantrum.
The house may end-up looking like a hurricane blew through it; if you never asked him what's going on in his day and urge him to vent his frustrations. He'll let it boil and build-up inside until he explodes.
I've never know anyone, including myself, who hasn't lost their temper more than once. We get a lot of posts from under-appreciated wives and girlfriends on DC. There are a few under-appreciated husbands and boyfriends as well. Guys usually act-out in anger when we're frustrated, not saying it's a good influence on your kids, or the way you should treat your spouse and family.
It's sometimes an indication that he needs to feel at least things are under-control at home, and somebody knows that he's dealing with a lot of things that sometimes overwhelm him, and he just doesn't know what else to do.
Explosive temper and destruction of property is also an anger-management issue. If it scares you, you should have a serious talk and suggest he get a medical checkup for his stress; and let him know that tearing up the house is frightening you. If you have, or plan to have kids; you don't want to raise them in that kind of environment. Suggest he take some time-off, and do some of the things he likes to do. If he can't handle the pressure, then you need to know; so you both can workout a plan to share the load between you. If he keeps having these wild tantrums, go spend a few days with your parents or a friend; and don't return until he promises to get anger-management therapy. You don't have to put up with that crazy nonsense!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2014): He sounds abusive. Is he controlling in any other way?
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 December 2014):
 It's sad reading this. I think the broken ornament kind of signifies a broken marriage too. I admit there are days when I was late for work, felt rush and swore some. You said he was doing this constantly and seems to be blaming it on you. He didn't say sorry for the mess but more like he was creating chaos on purpose. Maybe he's making sure you always have something to do, since you are a housewife. No wonder the house can never be perfect, because he's always making a mess for you to clean up. I am sorry to say this is emotionally abusive. You didn't mention he directed his anger at you but it is all evident in his actions, the things on the floor even when you weren't there. It is abnormal. He has anger issues and you are miserable in this house. Being a housewife is like a full time job, but you are disrespected and looked down upon by him.
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