A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How many lies would you put up with before you called it quits?And if you were with a man who lied to you multiple times in the first few years of your relationship, how long do you think it would take to rebuild that trust once the lies stopped?I am in a very painful situation at the moment with a man who I've been with for 6 years... he has lied to me many times and as a result I am always on edge and mistrusting, which leads to fighting. I don't trust him, every time something happens that makes me feel doubtful I cannot give him the benefit of the doubt. I always assume he is hiding something because in the past he often was. My heart is breaking.I gave this man my all from the beginning and was very forgiving the first time he lied but after that I have struggled tremendously to rise above his lies and give him my trust. I feel like he has violated every boundary I laid down for him and he has stomped on every opportunity I have given him to redeem himself. Every time I start to get comfortable something else seems to pop up- small things, minor lies, but in context with the rest of our relationship they feel like huge betrayals. All I ever wanted was for the two of us to be together and I did what I could to make that happen but I feel like so much damage has been done that I don't know where to begin to repair us.He always says he will never lie again, that he doesn't want to hurt me and that he is sorry. But I am familiar with this song and dance.Granted the last 'major' lie was probably over a year ago now- there have been 3 or 4 'small' lies inbetween, which doesn't sound like much but after what we've been through I don't have the strength to keep on forgiving him, or trying to forgive him, for new ones when I am still scarred by the old ones.I have always been honest with him, and faithful to him, though I have had opportunities to be disloyal many, many times, I cannot bring myself to do that to him no matter what he has done to me. His lies were mostly related to other women although I'm not sure he ever "technically" cheated on me, the dishonesty was enough to make me feel uneasy with him.How do you rebuild a foundation with someone under these circumstances? I have so much resentment, anger, sadness, pain, anxiety... but I have a hard time letting go. I keep waiting for the day that he will be as committed to us as I am, and he claims that he is, but as I said, I have my doubts... I feel like if he could just be honest with me we could have a great relationship but at this point my mistrust has gotten so deep that even if he were honest I'd probably not believe him anyway. When someone lies to you hundreds of times it's only natural that their truths start to sound the same as their lies anyhow.I apologise for the length but I am really struggling with this and need some advice on how to cope with this... preferably tips on how to rebuild a solid foundation and how to be sure that he won't ever treat me this way again.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): I'v got experience of very similar to this. Was all about dating sites, cybersexin, textin, and a hidden mobile phone etc. Either denied it or became aggressive with her own made up or imagined counter allegations. Broke up,tears,why would i risk loosin the man i love? etc. The last time i actualy started to believe her. Was a long gap this time,i became a bit too comfortable. Well,guess what? Another discovery,another lie. I am not convinced that this type ever changes. Its the nature of the person. I think they just believe they wont get found out,an if they do they will be able to lie their way out of it again anyway. U have my sympathy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): I would not give him any trust either. It may have been a year since the last major one,but it is more likely its you that hasn`t found out yet. I think he will make your life hell,as a result turning into what will be seen by others as controlling and insecure. The damage mr liar has caused has spoiled the relationship as you can see. You will be happier getting him out of your life permanently.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): This type of thing dont just start an stop,its unlikely to ever be different. He will eventually turn you so insecure and is it any wonder? He dont have any respect for you or your feelings. You gave him the benefit of doubt the first time. Your life will now be a constant game of cat and mouse,he is responsible for your mistrust. Staying with this man is not healthy. Its ruined and i dont know why you dont kick his arse and get a better man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): you`d be a fool to believe him again. he doesnt sound worth the insecurity he is knowingly causing you. i would have got out years ago.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): U probably wont ever trust him again and have very good reason not to. By the sound of things he is not worth the instability he has caused. Theres every chance he's changed his tactics and eventualy,if he has, it will unfold. He doesnt put any value on u. Think u would be better to get away from this person,as u would be foolish to believe anything he tells u,and u know it. Thats why u are posting this. Dont take this mistrust to the next person. You will end up very insecure and paranoid if u put up with it much longer.
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