A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Just wondering... I'm sure it's important, but I wonder to what extent.I'm not the kind of person who says thank you for every little thing... I'm not sure why. I had an ex after dating for a few years tell me I didn't really say thank you when he paid for dinner or something... he wasn't really upset about it but he had obviously noticed over time. So I got to thinking maybe this is holding me back and read somewhere that men and especially men in their 30s and beyond really wanted to be respected and appreciated. Maybe they aren't getting that sense from me right off the bat because I'm not vocalizing it. But it's not just thank you's...it's other little things that maybe I think about but just don't express. Like maybe I really liked the restaurant he chose... I don't say "Nice job picking this place. It's amazing!" even though that exact thought might cross my mind. And that's just one example I'm sure there are so many more little things I think about but I just am not using my words to convey... I'm thinking darn it, I'm 38.... I need to use my words! lolHonestly, I have waited tables and I am always VERY appreciative of wait staff. I say thank you every time they refill my water class and often it's "Oh, thank you so much." not just "Thanks." So I have no idea why I get tongue-tied in that moment when a guy pays the check for example... a thank you seems odd or uncomfortable.... I feel embarrassed... Or I'm not sure exactly what I feel that shuts me up. I usually end up sending a text later to say "BTW thanks for dinner yadda yadda"Anyways.... guys what are your thoughts.... is this something you never really thought about? Do you consider this a deal breaker? Could it be a red flag? Is there such a thing as too appreciative?
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (11 March 2016):
 Dear original poster,
I see that you have specifically asked for men's opinions. Not that the experienced opinions of women are not as valuable, but since you asked I'll throw in one mans opinion.
I was in a class on manners with a bunch of teenagers, when one awkward young man in the group asked "can you be too polite?" I pretty much flubbed my answer but on later thinking, and applying to your question, you can be obsequious, and no one likes that. Obsequious means overly flattering, or kissing up. Usually it gives you a slimy feeling. I'm sure this will never be a problem for a shy person like yourself.
Men are more difficult to complement than women, in my opinion. We also don't need it as much. Among men all we really need is a High five and the occasional "nice one". Your example about the restaurant choice is a good place to start. The right way to express appreciation for this is to enjoy your meal. It would also be ok to say something like, "The food here is wonderful, how did you ever find this place?" This is an indirect thank you, and a complement. It is also an open ended question that could lead to more conversation. Being indirect is ok with men, we like it actually.
When I was 20 I had a good friend who was retired. He used to tell me to Smile more. He said Smile, it brightens peoples days, and it costs you nothing. Share your smiles generously. It's the best advice I've ever been given. And it works very well on men.
FA
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (11 March 2016):
 Why don't you say it? If you know that this is a problem then what's stopping you from being appreciative? If it's there in your head then why not be graceful and say it out loud?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 March 2016):
 I am the opposite to you, I say thank you for everything, maybe sometimes a little to much, I am the same when it comes to saying sorry, if someone bumps in to me I will be the one to apologize.
Obviously you feel this might be an issue when you have noticed it. It is clear you are not a rude person, as you do appreciate what others do for you in your head, you are just not vocal.
You just need to try and say thanks more. If someone pays the bill, offer to pay half if they say no then tell them it is very kind of them and you appreciate it, you can go as far as saying the next time will be your treat.
I think it is mostly about habit and getting yourself in to a routine just. Some people are just more vocal than others. I get thanked everyday for making dinner, and it makes me feel like my efforts are not being taking for granted, when my other half does the dishes I thank him in return, again yes it is manners but also habit.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 March 2016):
 I think it's about manners. Think of it this way, would YOU not like to be appreciated if you spend 6 hours in the kitchen preparing a dinner? 2 hours getting the right outfit on and hair done?
I'd say don't overdo it, because THAT can become fake sounding but do consider that IT IS nice to be appreciated for putting in an effort.
And I agree with Ivyblue. It should become a habit to APPRECIATE your partner. Just like he should appreciate you.
Manners are getting to be a rare thing, and I guess that makes it a bit more special when used.
One of my kids had to stay late at school for rehearsals til 5.30 pm, and ALL the kids were practically "starving" (you know teens) so my husband and I stopped by with some fruit, nuts and cheese trays. Every single kids there were very appreciative and said thank you (more than once). And there were a few OH I'll have to ask my mom to do this too!.
If a bunch of 13 year old can be appreciative, SO can you.
I have taught my kids manners since they were little (now they are not perfect, mind you) but we have NEVER had trouble when going out, when they stay at friend's houses for sleepovers, birthdays etc. And I have 3 kids.
Manners may not *seem* like a big deal, and in a way they aren't - but.... it's often the little things that makes a difference. Maybe think on that?
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (11 March 2016):
 I think it is important not only in the first couple of dates but throughout a relationship in general. Not continuing to make the effort to show a little appreciation can turn in to feeling that you are being taken for granted. Not being acknowledged for the simple things is something I would not like to become the norm.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (11 March 2016):
 Hi,
i also forgot to mention that, actually, it's those first few dates that'll be the make or break and do you know why?
Because "first impressions count" and this is your chance to show the wonderful you and sell your personality and make the ultimate connection with someone.
If you don't show your BEST side, you cannot expect anybody to show you their BEST side.
Again, all the best! :-)
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A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (11 March 2016):
Hi,
i think all important manners and being "appreciative" should never go out the window and be thought, out of fashion, or be thought of as, not really necessary, or even "over the top".
I don't think you can ever really be "too appreciative", but some people may say thank you one too many times.
Most times, saying thank you once and being heard, is all that's required, but it must come from the heart, because people can see when we're sincere vs un-sincere.
If you're aware of these thoughts in your head space, then this means manners and appreciation are important to you, otherwise they'd be the furthest thought in your mind.
Men, most men and not just older men, appreciate a well mannered lady, one that shows him she has appreciated the effort he's put in and when he feels appreciated, he'll be much more inclined to pamper her again and put in more effort, but if not, he may cease to, because she didn't tell him so and because he didn't feel appreciated by her.
Why don't you practice saying thank you, plus other nice, appreciative words out loud in front of your mirror and within the privacy of your own home and get a feel of what you sound like and look like when saying so.
Continue to do this, until you feel comfy enough to say any one of these kind words in the presence of your partner/date.
Really practice key words such as, "thank you", "please", "sorry", "that was a great night out", i really enjoyed your company", "you're great company", "you make me laugh", "yes, i'd like to see you again", "thanks for everything", etc;.
(I'm sure you get the drift.)
Remember that manners are one of the nicest old fashioned virtues and let's face it, most of us, if not all of us, like to be around well mannered and well meaning people.
Unless a persons self-worth and self-esteem is really low, most people won't ever hang out with a person who is always unappreciative.
I remember my Grandma always saying, it costs nothing to smile at someone and you never know, you could just have made a sad or lonely persons day. :-)
Also, treat others as you'd like to be treated and if you treat others well, most times, they'll treat you well too.
Most of us learnt the importance of manners at a young age and we should always endeavour to practice those manners in our daily lives and especially when we're with those whom we like, care about and love.
I suspect you may suffer from a bit of self-doubt and self-confidence, when in a one on one type setting.
I think you may be a bit nervous or shy, or worried about expressing yourself fully, however, i'm sure if you continue to practice and use those special words regularly when you're with a partner, or with anybody, you'll gain more confidence and it'll become 2nd nature.
It'll seem more "normal" to you.
You'll also notice that you'll reap the rewards, from having done so.
All the best and let me know how you get on. :-)
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