How I Got Here

Tagged as: Online dating

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Article - (23 February 2008)

6 Comments - (Newest, 5 March 2008)

A male age 41-50, GrimmReality writes:

Finally I decided to write a synopsis of how I ended up here some six weeks ago. The following story is true in its entirety. I guess the reason I am writing it is because I would like others to hear my story and how even the most well intentioned of us all can become vulnerable to such things as the perils of online dating. My one and only experience with it was such a horrible one that I feel a need to share it for those that may have second thoughts about who they are dealing with at the other end of the computer screen. I do apologise for the length beforehand, however I feel that the entire story needs to be told.

Early in the fall of 2007 I was approached by a beautiful young lady on my website whom I will refer to a "A". She privately messaged me to tell me that I had quite a great sense of humor. Naturally I was very interested because it is not everyday that a guy like me would be approached by such a seemingly beautiful woman. I reciprocated by visiting her website. Her rundown was this: Student by day... Stripper by night. Quite an interesting young lady.

So with that we began exchanging pleasantries through email. Just usual small talk. Nothing Earth Shattering. After about a month or so of this we decided that we would IM. It seemed very innocuous at the time. Her pictures on her website were quite stunning. She peppered me with questions about myself. I felt like being honest, because I am a very honest person (but don't most of us claim to be when we first seek the advice of the Agony Aunts and Uncles?) She began to lament on how her life was unfulfilled, because she had never really met anyone through her line of work that was a "gentleman". Naturally, I was quite smitten with A, and was quite receptive to listening to her. I felt we were developing a connection.

The IMs began to take the balance of my afternoons, sometimes 5-6 hours a day of just talking with A about our hopes and dreams. She was quite intelligent, and she knew it. It was quite easy for me, a man who has had some rocky relationships in recent years, to begin to fall under her spell.

However, she was loathe to answer many questions about herself other than what seemed to be stock-in-trade answers to questions one would pose to a stripper. She had almost exclusively male friends, had left home at the age of 14 and lived on the streets. I did not feel sorry for her as much as I was attracted to her. She was very sweet and sincere. At this point in time I suggested that we meet. I was rebuffed with "eventually... when the time is right". At that point I should have seen a red flag flying across my face, but did not. Even though a second request was also rebuffed ("I don't think you would be happy visiting me right now, as I have a lot going on") I still pursued this matter.

At this point around Thanksgiving she inexplicably cut off all contact for close to two weeks. I was stunned because we had spent the better part of a month talking through IM and text on an everyday basis. I sent numerous emails, texts, IM's all to no avail. When she did finally return a message she told me that she had been in the hospital, and upon release, had decided to go on a hunting trip for 9 DAYS! Now a red flag did emerge, but against my better judgement I decided not to press the issue, because I was simply happy that she had returned.

Fast forward about three weeks.....

After some very intense discussions between us I decided to "drop the bomb" on her by telling her exactly how I felt. It took her two days, but she reciprocated that indeed she felt the same way. I was ecstatic! Overjoyed that A felt the same way. She told me right then in there that she would make arrangements that day for a meeting between us, so we could see where this would go. That morning was one of the happiest of my life, as we made plans on the phone, exclaiming back and forth how great everything was going to be. After years of heartbreak that morning seemed to be validation of every bad relationship I had ever had. Everything was right with the world, and the sun was shining a little brighter for me.

But only for about 3 hours.

Later that afternoon, she contacted me by phone and said that her mother was gravely ill. I understood when she said that she would contact me ASAP. Later that evening, she blogged on her website about the tragedy that had struck that afternoon and how she seemed to be at the "end of her rope". I was stunned when I read it. She seemed desperate. I tried to contact her. Nothing. A week went by with me trying to find out if she or her mother were alright. Nothing. Not a peep. By the time Christmas arrived I had had no contact with her, despite repeated attempts for close to 2 1/2 weeks. On Christmas day, feeling very sad and despondent,I sent her an email stating that since she had not contacted me, that I would cease any more attempts. I just could not understand how someone could tell me that they loved me, and go POOF!!!! off the face of the earth without even taking two minutes to let me know that they were safe.

Two days later I recieved a viscious email from A telling me that since I was so selfish as to try to contact her that I could go and "F and #K Myself". She had said that she had to sell her house and most of her worldly possessions in order to pay for her mother's surgery. Another Red flag began to arise.

I did not understand how this could be turned back on me. I had tried to contact her because she seemed in dire straits, yet by doing so I was "selfish and an asshole". Something about this did not seem right. Two days later she called me out of the blue as if nothing had ever happened! I was stunned that she seemed to be so non-chalant about everything after the horrible things she had said to me in the email. She told me that everything was going to be fine, and even sent me a love poem for New Year's (which was not like her at all).

As the year began I hoped to get over this and begin somewhat anew. A had said that she was quitting dancing to do modeling for "auto shows" around New England. When she told me how much money she would be making (5000 dollars per event) a huge red flag went up. When pressed she refused to say anything more about it. Upon asking her about the house sale, she admitted that she had indeed not sold the house. I asked her how her mother was. I got a one word response..."Fine".

Something was rotten not only in Denmark, but the whole North Sea!

A had always not really wanted to talk on the phone, however this now became the primary source of communication. Except that whenever she called me, it was always at the same time of day. A told me each and every time that she was on her way to a "party at a friend's house" without fail. Always the calls were short, as she would only call me when she was in her car, or in a store. Away from anyone who may be near her. All talk of any type of meeting had stopped on her part. When I would ask, she would just say she didn't have time to think about it right now, but she "loved me with all of her heart".

Deciding that I was going to find out one way or the other what as going on I called her one evening at an odd time. She answered the phone but spoke in a very hushed tone and from what sounded like a closet. I just wanted to know what kind of game she was playing. I had invested enough emotion into this that I did not want to be played for a fool anymore. After very short yes and no answers to my questions, I asked her if she really loved me or not. Whereby I was promptly hung up on in mid sentence. Obviously A had a SO that I had no idea of. She did call me two weeks later with the excuse that the distance "just got to her" and apologised for confusing me. Our conversations tapered off after that as I no longer believed anything that came out of her mouth. Our last converstaion was on my birthday while I was on vacation where she began berating me for trying to call her ON MY BIRTHDAY! I knew where things stood after that.

All I can say is that I never gave her any money, thankfully, but did give her my heart for a brief period of time. Anyone who reads many of my responses to any Advice questions can certainly tell that I have a lot of bitterness in my heart over what happened to me. I accept the blame that I was too stupid and blind to see GIGANTIC RED BANNERS FLYING.

The moral of the story is that people can be whoever they want to be on that other side of the computer screen. Many, as I found out first hand are not truthful in the slightest, but enjoy playing games to hurt people. So be careful the next time you think the other person you met online is THE ONE. If he or she just seems "too good to be true", they most likely are!

View related questions: christmas, her ex, met online, money, period, stripper, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2008):

I have used internet dating sites for about 3 years now, and I met my last boyfriend online and was in a relationship with him for 19 months. I don't have any problems like the one you've described, or anything like it. But I just wouldn't have believed her story right from the start. And I think you can tell pretty early on whether a person is genuine or not - the signs were all there for you to see and you just ignored them because you wanted to believe that she was for real. Don't let it put you off in future - just be more cautious about who you speak to next time. Like you say - if it sounds too good to be true it most probably is!