A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,I just broke up with my boyfriend because I cheated on him and had a one night stand with a guy friend. Long story short, my boyfriend was a rebound and he knew it. Before my boyfriend, my ex cheated on me and it really broke my heart. So when I met my boyfriend, we immediately jumped into a relationship. We talked about it and he was ok with it until we couldn't resolve our conflicts and I cheated out of frustration. I also ended the friendship with this guy friend who I known for years. I know that I need to be along for a while to fix my own problem before I jump into a new relationship. I realized I have become a toxic person and was really ashamed of my mistakes. I don't want to ruin any friendship or relationships anymore. I wanna know how and what I can do be a better partner in the future. How do I avoid someone I like a lot but do no good but harm to me? How I do draw clear boundaries when I'm tempted? How do I know when I'm ready for a relationship? If I ever find someone again, should I be honest with him about my past and mistakes? Or should I just keep those histories to myself (not telling people) and focus on making right actions?Sorry I asked a lot of questions, but I'm curious what you have experienced and have to say regarding these relationship problems. I just want to stop hurting other people, letting others hurt me, and start doing the right things. Thank you.
View related questions:
broke up, cheated on me, my ex, one night stand Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (11 May 2018):
 If you tell people you’ve cheated in the past that’s a sure fire way to get dumped before your relationship has even began.
LEARN from what you did. You know it’s wrong, so don’t make the same mistake again. How do you resist temptation? Let’s be serious now, you’re not a child, you’re at least 26 years old. How hard is it to say no to someone? Especially if you have a partner, it shouldn’t even be a thought to stray from them. Stop acting like it’s a hard decision whether you should become intimate with someone else if they offer.
How to be a good partner? Be honest, compassionate, DONT CHEAT. It’s not hard, just be a good person.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (11 May 2018):
 From your post, it sounds (to me) like you stumble from one man to another, looking for validation of your worth. A relationship ended to you quickly dived into another one, knowing it was a rebound. Then, when you hit a problem, you dived into bed with a "friend". Do you only feel like you are "worthy" if you have a boyfriend, or if you are having sex with someone? In your shoes I would be working on my self esteem first and foremost, because you don't seem to value YOURSELF. You need to tell yourself that you ARE worthy as a stand-alone lady. You do not need a man as a prop. You do not need to be having sex with whoever comes along to make you feel better (it's a temporary fix at best).
The only way you can guarantee someone will not hurt you in the future is by not getting close to anyone ever again. That is a very high price to pay and, for most, not worth the cost. Relationships with other humans NEVER come with any sort of guarantee. Everyone is fallible. But you CAN help to minimize the risks by listening to your gut instinct and heeding alarm bells about someone. You can minimize the risk by being very honest and honourable yourself and making it clear where your boundaries are and what you will and won't tolerate. Most of all, you can minimize the risks by keeping in mind that you are worth someone who treats you well and not settling for less.
Relationships are hard work and come with many risks but, ultimately, they can be rewarding and "worth it".
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 May 2018):
 My advice?
No, I don't think you should tell a new potential partner ALL about your past and mistakes. It's OK to say I have made mistakes in the past but you don't owe a guy a play-by -play of all the dump stuff you have done.
A new guy is dating you.. not your past, right?
How do you avoid temptations? By using common sense. By knowing what NOT to do. You were hurt when your ex cheated on you, YET you turned around and DID the exact same thing to the next guy... And then you seem to excuse it away with... well, he knew he was a rebound... THAT doesn't make it OK. That doesn't make it hurt him ANY less.
TAKE responsibility for your actions.
Learn to say no, thanks. So what if a guy who hits on you i a total hunk and is offering some pleasure? If you have a partner you tell the lovely hunk, no, thanks I have a partner. It's NOT hard.
And maybe.... live by the "golden rule" of ... DO unto others and you would have them do to you. It's not hard. But it DOES take effort.
How do you know when you are ready for a new relationship? That one is really hard, but I think when you have processed your OWN actions and culpability, when you can see where you REALLY went wrong and work on NOT repeating that mistake.
Your mistakes was not JUST cheating. It was dating a guy you weren't that into. A rebound. And... having sex with a "so-called" guy-friend. People don't have sex with their friends. That is the WHOLE point of friendships. It's platonic. SO, you didn't just make ONE mistake, you made a series of them. And YOU are the one who has to figure out WHY you made those choices.
Having a standard in life is good. What you WILL accept from others and what you don't accept. What you want in a partner and what you don't. What you have to offer and what perhaps you NEED to work on to not only be a better person but better partner.
Relationships are not simple or easy. They can feel that way in the beginning but they ALL take work. They all take effort.
As for not hurting others. Well, THAT is a start. Remember that you CAN NOT control what other people say, do, think or feel but you ARE in control of yourself and how you act and react.
...............................
|
