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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi everyone. I would like to share experiences with every one that is in the same situation that I am. I have been married for 8 years with a wonderful man who unfortunately I have never been in love with him. I married him because he is a wonderful person who loves me very much. When I married I knew I was not in love but I still chose to marry him, because like I said, he was just a great guy. And I thought that with time I could fall in love with him. But 8 years have passed by and although I love my husband but I am still out of love with him.So, I have thought about leaving my husband to pursue a relationship where I could be in love but since my husband is such a wonderful man I feel like I do not have what it takes to divorce him.As time goes by, I find is not too bad to be married with a wonderful person you are not in love with but from time to time I must confess I feel a deep sadness about it. It's like I got used to be in a marriage where I am not in love with my husband. I keep my focus on the great guy he is, on the great husband he is and on the great father he is to my child. So, please... is anybody here who is the same situation? How happy do you feel knowing you will spend the rest of your life with someone you know you were never in love with and you are still not in love? Do you ever think about leaving your spouse just because of the " in love" feeling? How important is to be in love in a marriage for you?I must say I would love to be in a marriage where I could have memories of when I first fell in love with my husband, I would love to be in love with my husband but I am not and although LOVE and COMMITMENT is a choice but be in love with someone is not a choice. I chose to love and commit myself to my husband but I can't choose to be in love with him... I never was in love with him, I am not in love with him and after 8 years we have been married I am not expecting to fall in love with him anymore, if it didn't happen so far so it won't never happen. But overall I think I am happy in this situation but I must say this fact hurts me from time to time and when I see in love couples I feel jeolous.Please, if any of you is in the same situation that I am, share with me your thoughts and feelings about it. Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): Wonderful as your husband is, maybe he's not meeting one of your emotional needs (though I'm sure that once you identified it, he would do everything he could to meet it)http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html
You may also consider that you're not in love because YOU'RE not doing enough... maybe he's doing too much and you're not invested in the relationship because you're letting him do all the work. Do you move mountains for him? Personally I find that I become less interested in people if I don't have to do work to make them happy.
You long for just a little passion. Understandable-- as someone who has been with her husband for over 15 years, I know the feeling quite often, though I channel it into daydreaming. I'd almost recommend spending a couple of weeks away from your husband, so you can see him anew, but I think that you ought to talk to a marriage counselor FIRST as the time apart could backfire.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008): I am in the same boat. I didn't get married until my late 30's. I thought feelings would come eventually, but ten yrs later, they haven't. It is very frustrating. We have one child, so I could never put him through a divorce.
Sometimes it's not so bad, but at hormonal moments-LOOK OUT!
hang in there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Littlebit- thanks for sharing what you went through. You satyed with him for a very long time. There was a time I was being very mean to my husband but that was before I told him the truth about my feelings.Even though now I am lying again to him but I do not feel like being mean to him anymore. When this deep sadness hits me he does everything in his power to cheer me up. He sent me flowers, he tells to go eat out, he tells me to go buy something, to call a friend, etc.Gosh... I care for my husband and I hate myself for not being in love with him.When I first married my husband I was not attracted to him at all but that did grow with time. But not the emotional part. I can't describe in words how it feels to be in love, for me is like the best feeling in the world, is to have someone who caused in you the best feelings and you love everything about them.I feel so sad about my marriage... should I have another child and wait for more 5 years? Deep inside I think I know I'm kidding myself... I will never be in love with him but he does not get that.Sometimes I feel like ending all this but through the process of divorcing I feel so weak... my husband and I have got close to divorce but then he keeps being so wonderful to me even though when we were going through divorce. My husband uncondional love for me makes me weak, it unables me to leave him. maybe what if I start doing things to cause him to fall out of love with me? What can I do for him to fall out of love with me?I don't know... for now I will just hang in here. Like I said before even though this hurts me but it is bearable.But the day another man falls in love with me and I happen to fall in love with him and this man decides he wants to have me and persue me even knowing I am married then I hate to say this but this man will have me. In a way, I feel like I am starving to have a in love relationship.For all the people out there who reads this and don't really understand what I go through, it's simple. Do you have a friend you like very much? Do you have a friend you think he/ she is a wonderful person but you do not have any sort of romantic feelings for this person and you may even think to yourself:" The guy/girl who marries my friend will be a lucky one..."Now, imagine marrying this person, imagine having a romantic relationship with this friend you love but you do not have any sort of romantic feelings for him/her.How does it feel?
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A
female
reader, LITTLEBIT  +, writes (16 May 2008):
Well in my case, I am not married to this man, but I've been in a relationship with him for 2 1/2 years, and I never was in love with him from the beginning to now the present. Just four days ago we broke up because I couldn't take it any longer not being in love with him, he's a good guy, he has his moment of annoying me and being very critical of things about me that I could'nt take, and I felt that it was that way because i did'nt have any physical attraction to him, and I felt that he knew this, so my attitude was sometimes bitchy to him (not on purpose) but that happens when you don't want a person who wants you, so we decided to break it off, and it was in a hostile way that it happened, when you let the relationship linger on for too long. I miss him, but I am not sure if its because he carried me around town in his car to do things I had to do,among other things he has done, but stop because of my non affection towards him, or the little company I had with him, but at times that was annoying to me too.So for my own happiness I had to let it go, I just hope he does not come back to be in a dead end relationship, He was very persistant in getting this relationship that I did'nt want, I will not let that happen again. I know how you feel wanting to be in love with the person you want to be in love with a mutual feeling between the two people. That is why I had to get out of it, for you you're married. I have no answered for that, because I feel the same way you do. If you haven't been in love with him up to this point, I feel it won't happen, but you still never know. Anything is possible. Hang in their.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFemale reader, thanks for your reply. I can relate so much with you. I also want to have another child for the same reasons you mentioned. I'm so lost in my life... sometimes I pray to die... I do fear leaving my husband and then what if I never find the right guy for me, or what if I I fall in love but then this man may be a pain on my ass? I must say that I would rather to have my husband than having a in love partner but then this guy may not be as good to me or my daughter.It's a tough decision. I have come up straight with my husband about my feelings for him, but not even that made him want to leave me... I really don't know what to do... I look around and I have everything to be so happy... but I am not and just because I am not in love with him...It hurts me so much to think about when I will have to tell the truth to my daughter. One woman replied to you that when we have young children they keep us busy and then take the attention away from our problems that is so true. I purposely got pregnant after 9 months I was married to my husband because I could not take what I was going through. After I got pregnant till my daughter was about 1 year and half I lied to myself I had fallen in love with my husband and I was the happiest woman ever. As my daughter got older... I started feeling so miserable in my marriage. I used to cry every day, all day, all night. When my daughter was 3 years old, she made her first drawn of me and she drew me with a sad face and tears... that broke my heart...because she always saw me crying...And to make things worse, after revealing all the truth to my husband and after living a hell during almost 2 years, here I am again lying to my husband... I told him that I have finally grown to be in love with him... Here I am... doing all over again...My husband feels like he is heaven... when the deep sadness heats me I tell him it has anything to do with us... but it is so not true... my marriage with my husband is the source of my deep sadness... This is the only life I will ever have and I am settling for this... what I fear the most is regret later in life. I fear so much being 60 yrs old then I will look back and wish so bad I had left my husband... but well, if that is my fate then let it be then.But I do everything I can to feel happy... How I wish I had the wisdom and the strength to do the right thing for my husband and me... but unfortunately I do not have...:(I may not be in love with my husband but I love him very much and there are times we have great moments together. If I choose to be with him even without being in love is because he made it worthy in other ways, so I think I can never regret later if I never leave him.Sometimes I tell God why doesn't he just allow me to die? Then my husband would be widow, then God could give him a woman who was going to love him like he deserves. I believe in God and I wonder why God allowed my husband to go through this? He is a such a wonderful person...he did not deserve any of this...What I have been through I do not wish to anybody... When people look at my situation from outside it may not seem that bad, but to have a romantic relationship with someone you are not in love it does not bring you any joy...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): Hi there,
I am in a very familair situation. I have written in and a few people have been kind enough to write back to share their insight. If you'd like, could could go to this link to see my posting (my siuation) and the replies I've gotten so far. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-not-in-love-with-my-husband-what.html
Like you, I feel that if by now, after 10 years of marriage, if I am not yet in love with my husband, I don't thnk it will ever happen. I also feel this great deep sadness that I am not in love with my husband, and do feel jealous to see couples in love. Yes,I agree (partially) with one of the replies here is that being in love CAN BE a transient thing. But it can also last a life time. Also, if you are with the person with whom you are in love (AND who is in love with you), it is still better than being with someone with whom you are not in love. To answer your question "How happy do you feel knowing you will spend the rest of your life with someone you know you were never in love with and you are still not in love? ", I feel responsible, obligated, lonely and guilty. I wish you the best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advices.
Neboraic- I must say I do not like your advice very much. What you mean I should keep my eyes open? How can I keep my eyes open when I'm still with my husband? To be honest, I keep my eyes very closed but I must confess that it seems that just the influence of a third party could bring my marriage to an end...but that would be horrible...Cheating on my husband is totally not an option for me at all. If I want to cheat on him I could and it would not be hard at all but I have made a choice that regardless of what I feel for my husband I would never chose to go that path.
We are planning another child, I do not want my child to be the only one... I don't know... it's harder than I can put into words. But because my husband is such a wonderful person to me if I choose to stay with him forever I can never regret, because the kind of man and person he is made it worthy.
But I don't know... I think for now I will just have another baby... I'm 29 yrs old now...let's see how I feel when I am 35. If I still feel the same way then I will leave my husband , I guess and I would still have plenty of time to meet someone and fall in love and have a relationship where the in love feeling runs in both parties. Plus, I'm pretty, healthy, fit and all the time I hear I look 20 yrs old. Some people think my daughter is my little sister...
So, I don't think I have much to loose in having another child and giving 5 more years to my marriage and see what I feel till there. If I still feel the same way then I guess I will have to take action...
I know my husband is a rare man. I have never met any woman where their man literally move mountains for them. My husband move mountains for me. I have a great gratitude for him for all he has done for me. If I was in love with my husband then our marriage would be perfect...but maybe the reason I will never fall in love with him is because in this world nothing can be perfect...
But like I said, overall I am happy... just from time to time I feel a deep sadness about it...I just would love to meet someone who is the same situation. To leave someone like my husband just because you are not in love is the hardest person to leave ever. Just when you go through this you can truly understand how I feel. Leaving my husband involves a range of emotions that are too painful for me to carry on by myself. That's why from time to time I think that just a third party could bring my marriage to an end, because then I would have something to hold on as I would go through the emotional pain to hurt my husband like that... it's so hard... but at the same I really do not want that to happen... but for now things are fine. When I decided to post here I was feeling that deep sadness. The deep sadness comes and goes. There are days I feel I can be truly happy with whatever feelings I have for my husband, then there are days I feel the most miserable person ever.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): I tend to agree and disagree. I'm in almost the same position. My husband and I have been together for 10 years and I'm doubting whether I should stay or go. I find myself wondering if I ever really loved him or has the preverbial flame just gone out? How do you light that flame again? You need to sit down and look deep within, face yourself and your fears. You may never fall "in love" with him if you never had any love to begin with. There has to be a spark to start with. Make sure that 20 years down the line you won't regret the decision you make, whether it be stay or go.
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male
reader, Neboraic  +, writes (15 May 2008):
It is something one can live with but you are missing out on a lot. My advice is keep your eyes open and if you do find someone you love, pounce on him.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (15 May 2008):
 Having respect for your husband is a great thing, look at all the women who write in and say they are in love their husbands but are miserable because they can't respect him for various reasons, ie. porn, cheating, etc... In fact respect is right up there next to love in a marriage. I think you will eventually find true contentment in this marriage, especially since you say he loves you very much. I also think you love him more than you think you do. Relax and give it time, a good man is hard to find.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  + ♥, writes (15 May 2008):
 What is it all about really? Perhaps what you need to do is this. You 65 and you are attending your grandchild's graduation. Who do you want by your side. Your current husband, or the memories of a guy you once had the hots for but they died out and you spend the past decades alone, looking for "love" but never finding it.
Are you not just one of those people who think love is when the violins start playing and with this Hollywood image in mind keep hoping for some rush of hormones that all too soon dies out?
Basically you have a choice, give up what you got for an unknown thing that might never happen, might even exist. But your husband also deserves better then a woman who is constantly doubting how she feels about him.
Examine your own life, is it worth giving up for a dream? A wonderful dream perhaps, but a dream nonetheless?
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