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How far can a stripper go during a lap dance?

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 January 2009) 13 Answers - (Newest, 4 December 2014)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hello all!

Something has been bothering me about my boyfriend's past that isn't really important in the big scheme of things, but despite knowing this it still bothers me. Here's the deal:

My boyfriend went to a (fully nude) strip club right before started seriously dating and he got a couple of lap dances. Well, I can't knock him for that! Who cares, right? Well even though we have been going out for 2.5 years, I just found out that during the lap dance, he was masturbating and the stripper was grinding her naked vagina on his bare penis until he finished! This happened in San Francisco and I don't know what the laws are for that sort of thing but I'm quite sure that's illegal. He thinks that this is "normal" and is mad at me for suggesting that it is anything but. Needless to say, after hearing of what really happened I told him that I would like it if he would refrain from buying lap dances at strip clubs in the future.

The fact that my boyfriend did this doesn't bother me...what bothers me is that this (highly regarded) gentlemen's club allow this sort of thing. People are telling me that I should just get over it and realize that it happens and I agree with that.

I guess my reason for posting this is to see if anyone else has heard of this happening in the supposedly "classy" establishments in San Francisco and more importantly, if it is legal.

BTW, I'm going to a gentleman's club with my girlfriends this weekend so it's not like I am jealous that he was at such a place.

View related questions: jealous, lapdance, stripper, vagina

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A female reader, JuneBuggy United States +, writes (4 December 2014):

In Massachusetts where I live, there are few areas where strip clubs are legal. But for the ones that are, it's all about the money. Most strippers will do whatever you pay for. Some strippers will do what is called "Rounds". They will go table to table inside the club, asking for a certain amount of money, to give guys blow jobs under the table. If the guy isn't embarrassed & has the money, the job gets done. For guys who want to be more discreet & pay more money, the stripper will take you to a private room & give you whatever you want..a hand glide up & down the stalk, a tongue & lip encounter & even a dip in the pocket pony ride. So take out your stick, take your pick & get a lick before dipping your wick. Yes even a stripper will turn a trick. Oh, and for more moohla & even less embarrassment, the stripper will meet you outside & go somewhere else with you to do the dirty deed. I am a woman, purposely being nasty because the strip clubs that I know about are completely nasty. My husband went to one of these clubs for a bachelor party. He told me that the strippers danced behind the bar, far enough away so there was no touching. Yah right! Another friend of ours told his wife the truth, & here it is. Our guy friend said that he didn't do anything & I believe him because he did tell his wife. My husband lied, and his friend said that he wasn't sure what my husband did. If my husband had done nothing like the friend, the friend would have said my husband did nothing. But what he said was, "I don't know for sure what he did". Not good, is it? I'm filing for divorce. I would never stay with a cheater & this is cheating in my book.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011):

Sorry but truthfully the one who wears the username "The What" is dead on the money. Strip Clubs are just adultery.

She has said Strip Clubs are all Whore Houses, and that is entirely correct. For the right price, strippers will do it all. They are only there to make money, not exactly would know that if you visited these "Clubs."

Also the high class Stripper/Prosti is not going to care who's "man" it is in most situations. They can carry on a fake relationship with whoever they like, if means $40,000, as that's the way the world works. She is definitely not going to hold back, the ones who try to never make it "big". Likewise, you should understand this is a business transaction before you even started marrying the guy. You can accept it or not, but the guy is more interested in other things like being single since he enjoys Adult Clubs.

Your boyfriend is the hugest liar in the world to tell you he just did it for fun. because if that was even close to true he would have brought all his friends including you to the "Club" to see what goes on because he obviously would care enough to make sure everyone knew. Apparently he did not even give a phone call, probably for all sorts of reasons.

"Stuff" happens when you are dealing with the world called business.

I do not have any sort of problem with Strip Clubs at all. Everyone understands the purposes. However I have seen the trauma that some girls have at those places, who are someone's younger sister that I know and they shouldn't even be working there in the first place. I know it is illegal to work there being under 18, but the amount of places that break that law is chilling.

I just do not believe that Strip Clubs/Adult Clubs are the right sort of environment for certain girls to work in, particularly and in specific the really young ones. Many of them are not wanting to face that sort of emotional trauma, especially those who were abused in the past. (So I feel that they should all be barred from working at such a place if under 20/21, like any typical alcoholic bar, that's all)

As for my last sober comment regarding your situation, I feel that we as men pretty much just need to admit to ourselves why the Strip Club exists. If guys want to be single and free to do what we want, then we ought to hang out at Strip Clubs and Escort lines since the truth is some of us were just not cut out for relationships. And the truth hurts but its time to accept. After all I can drink whatever I want, have a fantasy girlfriend for about one week and then just move on to something else like an Escort or Russian bride. In the real world this is just how things work, both professionally and otherwise there are obviously men who desire no strings at all. IMO, they should feel no guilt and be free to enjoy partners who understand them.

For married couples on the other hand, I would pretty much say that it is the worst mistake to visit Strip Clubs, Escort services or Nude Bars. Time to see the writing on the wall. If you are doing that you are entering the thorn bush...if you actually "value" your relationship you pretty much would never attend. If you do, I'll tell you the obvious, go in groups so you can actually see what goes on. If you friends trust each other, then you'll stop any trouble at those "places" before it ends the relationship.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2010):

Well my husband and i been together for well over 12 years and said he will never full around on me and just october of this year he told me that he in fact did and while he was deployed in 05 when i was pregnat with his son he said he had a lap dance and had intercourse with the stripper although he said he couldnt touch her that hurt me and im having a really hard time trusting and forgiving him how can i get past this am i that ugly not enough for him makes me feel so insecure

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010):

I think your boyfriend is lying and the reason he told you that is so that you would think that he is that desirable, that even a stripper would do this for him. Seriously this is not going to happen. First of all no one would be stupid enough to do this, not him or her, without a condom that is. That is very difficult to do in a club. Trust me on this he is absoloutely lying about this. It would be easier for me to believe that he offered her money for sex and they hooked up a hotel later, but that story is ridiculous. Really.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2010):

Further more.... Strip clubs are directed to single men...It´s for single men...Single woman entertaining single men..

If someone´s boyfriend or husband ends up there it´s nobody´s responsibility but that man that can´t find a reason to be faithful...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2010):

Okay okay okay.... All the complaining about woman being woman and being there for the men just HAS to stop!!!

Who builds the streets in our world? who builds the houses? who are the cheffs? who are the head masters? who makes the best clouthing? who makes the shoes? Who are the doctors? To all these questions and more the answer is MEN.

It is a woman´s duty to stand by the man while he builds the world we live in.

I´m not saying woman aren´t intellegent or not capable of being doctors or cheffs or dentists or any of those things..

I´m just saying what crime is there in a man seeking out a woman to dance for him be it whatever way or to have sex with him or make love to him and for him to give her money..


What happens in a private show should stay private.

Love is something looked for and needed in this world and honestly-to the females who look for better job oppertunities-money is not love.

Being an escort or a striper, erotic dancer is a better job.

People are capable of liveing decent full lives and there is good natural giveing and receiveing in both the client and the worker.

How can the law have a say in what happens between a man and a woman there is no such right nor will there ever be such a right!!!!

To all the females that complain about things that happen in strip clubs.

You are all a bunch of men haters and if you hate men so much stay away from them don´t use them for their ´hard on´and throw all your sh@t on the woman that are there to help make life worth liveing.


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A male reader, Daveeeeeee Australia +, writes (11 February 2010):

Daveeeeeee agony aunt You certainly cant do as described in Australia , we certainly have fully nude ( for the dancer ) and the grinding of the virgina into the errect penis , however the man is always clothed .

I do like the sound of the dance you describe and would love to visit a like club to try it out .Sounds great !

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010):

I'm not sure but I may have been at that same club in SF. Some buddies "treated" me to a $100 dance (long story) and I had NO idea that's how far that was going to go... I was thinking "is this cheating?" and... if $100 hadn't changed hands, it definitely would have been cheating, so I guess it's still cheating. (There were definitely rules, actually, but not the type that would mollify an angry spouse or partner-- and probably not a cop, either.)

I will say, though, I never figured out the appeal of strip clubs before I wound up at this place. Now I totally, totally get it. If I had discovered that 10 years ago I'd be bankrupt today.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009):

I understand exactly what you mean. You don't mind the lap dancing, because you thought there was rules to ensure it's pure entertainment and no sex is involved. What's the difference between what your boyfriend did and if he had hired a prostitute to satisfy him. I can only tell you about British rules, over here lap dancers have to stay at least 3ft away, they are not supposed to touch the customers at all. I have no problem with lap dancers, or strippers, good entertainment by people that are skilled at dancing. But masturbation goes too far for me, and over here it's too far for the law. Lap dancing clubs can be shut down over this kind of thing.

When men strip for women they often play at pretending to have oral sex. No contact is made, it's just pretend. Tell your boyfriend, since he has no problem, when you go out with the girls, you'll be masturbating and doing sexual stuff as well. Since he has no problem when he dose it, there should be no problem when you do it. Problem solved.

As you say, your boyfriend has been naive, lap dancing and stripping is pure entertainment, and should be a case of look and don't touch. He should find some better friends.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hi, I appreciate all of the quick replies!

Well I guess I didn't explain the whole situation the first time around so I guess I should add a couple of things.

The masturbating thing happened one time. He was a virgin and his best friend decided to take him to a strip club for his 18th birthday. He was an extremely sheltered virgin who didn't know what what a lap dance even was. I know this because we were friends when this I said, we weren't seriously dating at the time. So when his friend took him there, his friend dropped $100 for my boyfriend's lap dance and I guess he got what was paid. Standard lap dances at that establishment run at about $60. My boyfriend honestly thought what happened was absolutely legal and normal because that is what his friend (who used to frequent the place before he met his fiance) told him.

When we were first together, he got a little paranoid about it and got tested. I thought it was odd that he would get tested for STDs and HIV since he was a virgin so of course I asked about it. He told me that he went to a disgustive dive where a stripper gave him a lap dance and he was worried. It wasn't until much later that he told me what really happened...he was embarrassed and ashamed. He, in all honesty, was too sheltered for his own good and I'm a little ticked that his friend told him that the sort of thing that happened at that strip club was anything less than a normal lap dance even chastised my boyfriend for being an idiot in front of his current fiance.

So I blame my boyfriend for being an idiot and his friend for causing and manipulating the situation as well as lying to his fiance about it. But I wrote this "question" in order to find out if this is normal or legal. To the poster who said the San Francisco is lax about the rules, I'm guessing that is probably true, but I have watched O'Reilly and feel that that man is an idiot, but that's another matter.

So thank you for the replies I now have a better grasp of the situation.

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A female reader, TasteofIndia United States + , writes (7 January 2009):

TasteofIndia agony auntIn Oregon, where I used to work at a strip club, strippers have to stay at the bare minimum, 6 inches away. You can't touch or else you'll be fired in a hot second (at least, if you're caught and strippers can be tricky). Places of more questionable rapport: any place that sells itself as "lingerie modeling" - completely sketchy. That is where strippers who are looking for more cash and more touching... pretty much, that's where the hookers hang out.

Your boyfriend is a sleaze. What he did isn't "normal", totally cheating and dirtbag-ish. I would have him checked for STD's too, because bare genitals rubbing up against each other? And a STRIPPER at that? Honey, strippers share poles to dance on, clothes to shake in, they are grinding up on the same things and cooties get passed around fast. A quick but disgusting story: a stripper at the club I worked at had Scabies and two other girls got it before they figured out the source and had her fired. But gross shit like that is lurking around so I would definitely not hesitate to get your BF's junk checked out!!

Your boyfriend is seriously dense if he thinks what he did wasn't cheating. He belongs in the doghouse.

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A female reader, LIERIN United States +, writes (7 January 2009):

LIERIN agony auntI broke up with one of my exe's because of strip club .. and I am everything but jealous. I love sex, stripping and even porn. I am not a frigid little girl, but strip clubs where someone elses vagina is in my BFs face? ABSOLUTELY NO-NO!

Guys can be horrible pigs. The worst thing is, they don't understand how much does it hurt you. They think, that because they did not have the actual sex with the stripper its ok. They are just looking, they are not touching .. but SHE IS TOUCHING THEM .. same thing isnt it .. maybe worse.

Strip clubs broke lots and lots of relationships and marriages. And thats a fact

Men will not agree with me (most of them), but I find this very disrespectful to the woman they are actually with.

I don't think your guy would like you being in a MALE strip club, paying for some extra Weiner dance in your face .. take pictures .. so he has fun looking at them. Even tho male strip clubs are not as sleezy and disgusting like female strippers, its kinda the same thing.

If your guy thinks that masturbating on strippers naked cooch is normal, than get rid of him. I am sorry, but you are wasting time with someone thats F... up in his head.

That is considered as big time cheating, and I don't care how money he payed for it ... its cheating/

My ex went for a bachelore party once, where they had 3 girls getting off on each other .. which whatever, thats cool, but than they were giving all the guys tripple blow jobs .. and who payed .. could have more in the back room ... EVEN THE GROOM WENT!!!! ...

So go figure !!!!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (7 January 2009):

Honeypie agony auntHow far can a stripper go? I'm guessing as far as she was paid for or as far as she wanted too. I know there are rules for how far they officially can go but I have been to a couple of places where it's "illegal" for them to engage in anything then dancing and they surely crossed that line in plain view of everyone. Some go to "private" areas and what goes on in there .............

I don't get the whole hoopla over strip clubs, personally I find them stinky, nasty and lame..

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